"Elliot I need you to trust me."

"I do trust you."

"No, no you're not listening to me. You're just saying words. You're talking because you think it'll make me go away."

"Humph."

"I don't want you to tell me what you think I want to hear…." said Olivia, sitting in a chair in the corner of the hotel room in which Elliot had ensconced himself since she'd found him in the garage two days earlier.

"No?" he asked, lying face down on the bed. Beached. Washed up. The tide lapping around him as he lay on the shore line unable to fully commit to drowning, nor haul himself any further up the sand. He was in purgatory and it was a darker shade of hell than he had ever known.

"I need for you to trust that you can tell me things I don't want to hear."

"I can't do that."

"You can't trust me?" she asked, because that had never been true before. Not once. Not throughout the entirety of their relationship. She had to push him. She had to go there. They had to go there because if they had lost their trust then they had lost everything. The battle was already over and all that would remain was bitter defeat and a two half souls drifting out onto the horizon.

"I'm pissed as hell at you Olivia!" came the muted cry as he lifted his head from the pillow and she sharply took in breath.

"Good."

"Good that I'm angry?" yes, in a way, she smiled with profound relief. Feeling her heart relax a little of his contracted agony she felt hope again. He did trust her. Not only that but he still cared, deeply. As long as he was angry she had something to work with. The devil was in indifference.

"How far does this go back, El?" she dared to ask, because if they were going to do this then they were really going to do this. She wasn't paddling. She would wade in over her head if she had to. "Sam's accident? The diabetes? San Francisco?"

"All of it."

"Okay."

"I'm supposed to protect you. I love you. You're my whole life Liv."

"Elliot….."

"How many times can I just stand by and let life fucking rip on you? I couldn't do a damn thing. Not when Sam was born and I nearly lost you, not when you lost Cragen and the 1-6."

"My God you've been carrying this all that time?" she gasped, because the notion quite literally stole the breath from inside her.

"My family has lost so much and I just let it happen. My son lost his legs. My wife loses her health. My little girl loses…." his eyes held more pain than he could bear as he found himself unable to finish the sentence as he thought of Eve.

"Oh El, oh babe, no, no don't do this to yourself…." she murmured, getting up from her chair and coming to sit beside him on the bed, "… don't you do this to yourself."

"What was I supposed to do Liv? We had no idea how to manage your levels. You were sick. You looked like hell, you're blood sugar was all over the place, you were a wreck and you really expected me to sign off on a flight that put you twelve thousand miles up in the air for seven hours against medical advice?"

"I…."

"And you have the audacity to blame me for you not being there for Mouse."

"I was wrong for that."

"Yeah, yeah you were."

"I was upset!" she rasped, reigning herself in because her own regret served no purpose in allaying his. This was his pain. Hers had no place here. "I was out of my mind and saying things I didn't mean. I apologise. I am sorry that I put that on you I just didn't have anywhere else to put it and….." swallowing, hard, she confessed, "… and I think that maybe I've been guilty of doing that far more than anyone has a right to. I've put it all on you El and…..."

"It's my job. Being there for you? That's why I am."

"No, no that's not true. That's not true at all. Being here for each other is why we are. I just can't believe I've leant on you so hard for so long."

"You're stronger than anyone I know Olivia. You don't lean on me. That's part of the problem. You fight your own battles. Alone. You're a lone warrior you always have been."

"Is that what you think?" she asked with disbelief. "Do you really have that little idea of how badly I need you?" as she looked at him, so open, so honest and so raw he fell in love with her all over again. For all her bluster and bravado, for all her wilful resistance she was vulnerable. She fell the way everyone falls. He could not have been more grateful to her for reminding him of this in that moment when he himself felt so low.

"Honestly?" he asked, blue eyes fixing hers through the dim lit hotel room. "Yeah."

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine."

"No."

"Olivia what kind of man can't keep his own family safe?" laughed Elliot with a grim, bitter acid on his tongue. "No kind. I should never have put Sammy in that car. I should never have let Mouse go to California."

"Babe Sam was on a school trip. You could never have known what was coming. Car accidents happen, all the time. I'm not saying that to be flippant or dismissive. You know I'm not. It's just the truth. Every single time any one of us gets into a car it's a risk, there's a danger, but you can't live your whole life afraid."

"And Evie? What kind of Dad lets his little girl move across the country on her own?"

"A good one, a trusting one. A Dad who trusts that at twenty one his smart, tough, wiseass kid can handle anything life throws at her. Including a curve ball like what happened in San Francisco. Elliot sexual assault doesn't discriminate you do not need me to tell you that. What happened to Evie could have happened to anyone no matter how careful or protective their parents are and it could just as easily have happened her in New York."

"My Mom said something once."

"Bernie?" said Olivia softly, moving closer to him and stroking lightly at his tensed temple. "What did she say, babe?"

"She was talking about her meds. It isn't the same. She said that she felt like someone had reached in and scooped out her insides. Scooped. I always thought it was a strange word. Like ice cream. That's what I feel like, like a gutted fish, Liv."

"Will you let me lie with you?" she asked, because she knew enough of abject despair and desolation to know that they were not going to fix him today.

What was broken in him was going to take a long time to repair and words were not going to be enough. She could not find enough words to even scratch the surface of what she knew he needed. So, when he made no signs of protest, she lay herself down next to him. Draping an arm over his torpid frame she stroked a hand at his back and rested her cheek on the mattress a hairsbreadth away from his face.

"Hi…." he mouthed, managing to find a smile with the strength he gained from her closeness.

"Hi."

"Thank you."

"For what?" she asked, because it seemed to her almost laughable that he would have anything at all to be grateful to her for in that moment.

"Picking me up."

"El I should never have let you fall in the first place…." she whispered, her brown eyes heavy and sad as her lashes caught on the mattress and he saw tears threaten, "… I'm so ashamed I was too blind to see this coming. To catch it. To catch you."

"We gonna be okay?"

"Yes."

"I'm serious Olivia. I mean it. We're not good right now, we're not in a good place and it scares the hell out of me."

"Elliot?" she needed his full attention, his eyes, his soul looking into hers before she spoke again. When she had it, when she could see she had his trust she smiled confidently and nodded, "We are going to be okay."

"We have to be."

"We will be."

"Okay."

"We've lost a hell of a lot, all of us, but we still have what matters. We still have each other. Sammy is just getting stronger and stronger and Evie? She'll be okay, she will, she'll come back from this…." he could believe it because he could see in her eyes that she did, and he felt a peace wash over him as she added, "… and so will you."

"Promise me two things?" he asked, and he could see in her face she would. "Promise me that no matter how tough things get, what crap we have to wade through, how close we come we won't ever break. You and me, Liv? Promise me."

"I promise."

"Don't let me turn into my parents. Either of them, swear it?"

"On one condition?"

"Sure."

"You don't let me turn into mine….." and with that she said it all, all that needed to be said, all that could be said. After that they lay quiet, side by side, just breathing.

"Could he have picked a worse time?"

"Sam don't do that. Don't be like that, don't pretend like you don't know how hard your Dad has found the past few weeks. He needed this trip. He needs to go spend some time out of the city and take a beat."

"But what about Vee? She needs him here. You need him here."

"Please, son?" entreated Olivia, too tired to argue with her painfully astute Sam. Despite being the younger of her two children he was mature beyond his years and had far more sensitivity to nuance of emotion than Eve did. He knew something was wrong in his parents' marriage and consequently despite Eve being the more vulnerable at that particular time it was he who had taken Elliot's sudden absence harder.

"I just don't think that it helps when we're all trying to bail out this family for him to go to Chicago. That's all. That's all I'm saying."

"And I'm hearing you say it, I am. I just wish that you would try and see this from his point of view."

"What about your point of view Mom?" he asked, staring blankly at her from across the living room and twisting the cap of his soda bottle. That was what mattered. She was what mattered. He loved Elliot, very much, he was loyal to him too and he cared deeply but she was his mother. She had given him life and breathed love and light into him every day since. Yes, he loved his father, but he would protect and defend Olivia to the death even against him. "Is he just, like, gonna leave you here holding the fort?"

"And how many times have I left him holding the fort in the past Sammy?" she said, testing the bounds of their relationship. In many ways she was coming to realise she could talk more candidly, more honestly, more equally with her son than she could with Eve. Sam held his father's quiet, resilient strength and it was a profound comfort to her in that moment to see how he didn't flinch or recoil from her challenging question.

"Is he okay?" she couldn't lie to him. She couldn't be any less than brutally honest with the little boy she had seen become a man at fifteen years old.

"No…." confessed Olivia with a reluctant swallow and steady shake of her head. She needed this. She needed an outlet for all the insanity charging around her head and where Eve was all fire her son was the calm, the water, the steady flow of sanity in their family.

"I guess I already knew that."

"He doesn't want you kids to know. I shouldn't have said that. I gave him my word."

"I'm not a kid anymore Mom….." said Sam quietly, holding her eyes and smiling a soft, loving show of support, "… and you have my word that he won't know we talked."

"I don't want Evie to know either. She just thinks the world of her father. She thinks he's invincible and it won't do for either one of them to lose that right now. She's lost so much already….." lowering her eyes Olivia choked slight on the words, "… so much."

"Dad really in Chicago?" he knew his mother better than he had realised previously and that became clear to him in that moment. The inflection in her voice, the stories in the kind lines around her eyes and the way her strong cheekbones struggled under the weight of it all.

"Honestly?" of course, came the answer in Sam's face as the two grew closer with each second, each minute, each hour in which he grew in his new role as her quiet solace. "No, no he's not. He's not in Chicago. He's in a hotel about two blocks from Fin and Melinda's place."

"Are things really that bad between the two of you?"

"No, no that isn't why he's there."

"It isn't?" he had to ask, he had to push. He knew she was stubborn and wilfully determined to ensure he was protected but in that moment what he needed was her honesty. Honesty she respected and trusted him enough to give.

"It's not about us, not really."

"How'd you mean?" she wasn't prepared to talk about her marriage to their son. It wasn't right, no matter how adult he may now be. What she was prepared to do, however, was ensure that Elliot's relationship with his son wasn't damaged by his current state of despair. The kids had to know enough to trust that his love for her and indeed for them was not in question. It never would be.

"It's him. He just needs some time. Some space to breathe and get his head together. You know your Dad, he just carries it all. He's carried the load for all of us for so long and he's just exhausted. He's bottled everything up for so long he's just feeling it all at once."

"What can I do? How can I help?" asked Sam, as Olivia got up from the sofa and moved toward him. Reaching to his face she stroked at his cheek, bent down and kissed his forehead and smiled widely. By God she loved this incredible young man she had been blessed with.

"You're already doing it…" kissing him again she affirmed, "… you're already helping more than you will ever know Sam. I love you, I am so grateful you're my boy."

"Mom?" he asked, reaching to her arm and wrapping his hands lightly around her wrist. "We've got you, you know that right? Me and Evie? We've got your back: always."

"You too old to let your old Mom take you out for something to eat? We used to go for burgers at The Firehouse when Evie had cheer practice?"

"Firehouse burgers sound awesome….." grinned Sam, meeting her eyes and adding, "… but they're on me this time."

"So basically selling the apartment is our only option?"

"No, no that isn't what I'm saying Mrs Tutuola."

"Dr Warner."

"Nice, real nice…." muttered Fin darkly under his breath as Melinda reverted to her former name in a very deliberate stab at both him and their shaky marriage, "… classy."

"Don't even go there Fin. Don't even try me."

"Selling the apartment is just one of a range of different ways in which we can ensure the pair of you remain solvent. It's the clearest cut, the path with the least roadblocks. Raising capital from other assets will incur penalties and the need to overcome the various stipulations associated with…."

"Fine, fine then let's just do it."

"Are we not even gonna have a conversation?" asked Fin, astonished that Melinda could be so calm and decisive. This had been intended as an information gathering session with their financial advisor and legal representation not them signing away their life one on one fragile dotted line.

"I don't see why. It all seems fairly easy to me. The way out of this is simple."

"Simple maybe…." said Fin with a quiet, regretful mutter, "… but easy? Nah."

"It was easy enough when you were bailing Ken out without consulting me. You didn't seem overly concerned about us having a conversation then. I'm just getting us out of what you got us into, darling."

"Don't do that, don't patronize me."

"Are we done here? Do you need me to sign anything or do we just need to liaise with a realtor and…."

"Sit down."

"Pardon me?" smarted Melinda, her usually wild curls slicked back in a tight bun and her features angular and sharp after a stress indulged plummet in her weight. "What did you just say?"

"I said sit down."

"Then you must have me mistaken for dog Odafin."

"I made a mistake. A big one. I apologised for it. I have been apologising for the past…."

"I am quite sure that neither Fiona nor Harry here want to be party to our domestic quarrels Fin so let's not do this, okay?" pinching the conversation and tying a knot in it's neck she flashed a bright, red lipped smile and dismissed him. "I'm going to meet Rachel for our lunch. Thank you so much to both of you for meeting with us and I look forward to this whole unpleasant business being put to rest."

"Mel? Melinda?" asked Fin, shifting awkwardly in his brown leather seat as the two professionals smiled uncomfortable smiles as Melinda stalked from the room and left him sat alone in disgrace. "Sorry about that, sorry this is so…."

"Trust me I've seen worse."

"We both have."

"You two are hanging on in there far better than most."

"Yeah?" he doubted, with a slope of his mouth that came as close as he could manage to a weary smile. "Excuse me…" said Fin, gathering up his coat and document wallet and making to go after Melinda, "… I'm just gonna…."

"Of course…." smiled the financial advisor, a little embarrassed but, as a mistress of professional integrity and discretion, she never let her face slip.

"I just read here 76% so who's right? I think I trust my source more."

"Lee I'm getting kind of over this I won't lie….." sighed Sam, tossing aside the handful of pamphlets in his lap and throwing his head back. "I'm done reading all these stats."

"Over wanting to have sex with me?" she challenged tartly, narrowing dark, dark eyes and fixing him with a stare. "Because this is the price, buddy. I hate to tell you but stats are the only way I'm gonna feel comfortable doing it. I mean it's not just logistics for me."

"Like it is for me you mean? Great, well, thanks for that. That makes me feel like a real bro."

"If you care about being a real bro, asshat, then this whole thing is DOA."

"You know what I meant."

"No, no not really I don't. I don't think I do. It's fine for you. All you have to worry about is getting it up and we're good to go."

"Thanks, again, thanks for that."

"I don't care about your damn pride Sam!" cried Leah emphatically, struggling to impress upon him the deep roots of her fear. "I'm a freakin' nineteen year old virgin scared to high shit of doing anything on the sex spectrum in case I give you God damn HIV so suck it the hell up bro and stop being a dick!"

"All I have to worry about is getting it up?" he smarted, not willing to lie down and play dead. He was in this too. He had had a voice and thanks to his sister he had learned to use it. "Do you have any idea what a douche you sound saying that to a T-9'er?"

"Okay."

"Okay what?" shot back Sam, spoiling for one of their spats. Yes she looked good today. Yes he loved it when she had her hair in cornrows and off of her face and neck. Yes that fuchsia pink shirt made her dark skin so alive he had spent the best part of the past hour ignoring the words on the page and wanting to touch her but none of that mattered if they couldn't figure out how to safely transition friendship into a physical, romantic relationship.

"Okay, you win. That was a bitchy play. I apologise."

"Wow."

"Wow what?" she asked, pulling a face in anticipation of not liking his answer. Watching him flash that smile that left her quite defenceless Leah rolled her dark, naturally curled lashes and laughed to herself. "Oh, that."

"Yeah, yeah that. I think I just saw a flying pig. They're shivering in hell. Leah Bell just admitted she was wrong. I think that's the red sea that's parting over in…."

"Oh shut up you jackass!"

"Pass me back those pamphlets."

"You know those wheels don't negate the need for you to say please…."

"Please? Please will you pass me back those leaflets so I can break the glorious act of love down to a very unsexy mechanical operation….." watching her glare at him Sam smirked, "…. please? Don't be a Bell end?"

"Samson!"

"Don't call me that."

"You do know, don't you? You do get that a massive part of me just wants to jump on you right now and say to hell with spinal injury and HIV?"

"A massive part of me wants that too…." he grinned, laughing with a guttural cackle.

"You're hilarious you really are."

"Seriously though? No, no I did not know that….." said Sam, his voice and manner falling to a sincere and wistful smile and grateful nod of his head, "… but I'm sure glad I do now."

"I'm into you Sam Stabler."

"I'm into you to Leah-belle."

"Oh, well that's new…." she smiled warmly. Though they may not have managed to physically cement their relationship it was those little moments. Those quiet intimacies like the one in which he coined his pet name for her that allowed her to believe they stood a chance. A fighting chance.

"I brought you some things."

"Bambi you didn't have to do that."

"I know I didn't….." said Eve quietly, lingering in the doorway of the home Texas now shared with Gil Amaro and clutching a box of various treats and candies, "… but I wanted to."

"Even after I was a giant ass to you the other night?" smirked Calvin, holding the door for her and beckoning her in.

"Even after."

"I…."

"You weren't an ass. Well, at least not a giant one and I guess I wasn't exactly lovely myself."

"You were, you are….." said Calvin quickly, his eyes lingering as he lifted the corners of thin lips to a smile, "… you're lovely."

"Well, thank you…." she smiled back, a little coy when he was so painfully earnest, "… for that."

"How's it going? How you doing?" he asked, because he always asked, because it mattered. She genuinely believed, she held a strong faith, that no matter what happened between them or how much water passed under the bridge he would always care deeply about her. "You had a session yesterday, right?"

"Yeah, yeah I did. It was fine. It was okay. It was….." hesitating a moment she looked up, found his eyes, and smiled tiredly, "…. it is what it is."

"They any closer to finding the bastard?"

"I don't know. I don't care."

"You will do though. One day you'll care more than you know right now."

"Calvin all those things I said the other night…." quietly, hesitantly, she felt her way through the dark, "… just know that I meant every word, okay? I know you think it's giving up but maybe it's just giving in: to the inevitable. We're inevitable. I really do believe that."

"You'll keep going to your sessions, right?" he asked, not dismissive of the notion, but equally not willing to talk about it in that moment. "You'll talk to your Mom. Keep talking to Livia. Talk to Sam. Hell I don't care who you talk to, just talk Evie, just as long as you talk."

"It's not about you being the last resort."

"No?" he tested, eyes narrowing slightly. They were not having this conversation, not really, but she couldn't let him leave under a false impression of her heartfelt sincerity.

"You're the one thing I'm sure of. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't concentrate. My head and my heart are so full of all this blackness and fear and confusion and I just have no idea what's going to happen to me. All I do know is that I love you."

"I love you too Evie G."

"From the bottom of my broken heart Arliss….." she choked, her face crumbling as she stepped forward and grabbed his face, kissing him tenderly.

"Baby…." he murmured, cradling her gently and kissing at her nose and cheeks.

"Even when the whole world has turned to shit and I don't believe in anything anymore I still believe in you. I still believe in us."

"Write me?"

"Count on it."

"Evie….."

"Let's not, okay?" she said quickly, murmuring hot words against his cheek as she kissed it lovingly and repeated. "Not now, not today?"

"We both know it's there, it's always been there. It's never gone away. It's the giant fucking elephant in the room."

"It's not just in the room….." she whispered, her face so sad and so broken but also so breathtakingly full of love for him and hope for them, "… it's sitting on my chest."

"Mine too…." he said, nodding slowly and holding back a sigh. Eyes filling with tears she could not have loved him more in that moment: the grace in his surrender and the tenderness in his patient, unconditional love. "I get it Bambi. I get it and it's okay. It's okay."

"No it isn't, it isn't and I know it. I just can't, right now….." voice cracking she bit hard on her lip and mouthed, "….I'm so sorry…."

"Don't be, don't you dare say you're sorry….." he countered quickly, squeezing her in a tight hug and kissing at her hair, "… just keep fighting, baby, just keep swimming and you'll find the surface and you'll be able to breathe again I swear."