I START EXAMS IN A WEEK AND I WANT TO THROW MYSELF OF A CLIFF
X. Jerome
Jerome stared at the ceiling of his hotel room.
His mobile was laying on his stomach as some 90s playlist played. His parent had earlier gone to his room and had told him they were going to some fancy restaurant, they asked him to tag alone but he refused. His parents didn't force him to go, they allowed him to have what he desired.
He had been waiting for Joy's reply for fifteen minutes, which he didn't consider much but he was growing worried. He felt bad for Joy, while he was in an expensive Italian hotel and was exploring, for the third time, Italy's beauty she was stuck in her parents house which he had recently learned she wasn't really fond of. She had also told him about her mother, she joked about her a lot but Jerome could see that there was some truth to her jokes.
He wished he could be back in England. Even if he loved travelling and he genuinely adored Italy, somehow Joy had grown in him. Just like Joy, he lived in London. He lived in Mayfair and by train it would take him 40 minutes to get to Joy, not really that far if you asked him. He hoped to get to visit her before classes started again, just to see if she was okay.
His phone vibrated and he instantly took it away from his prior location. He looked at the ID and as he had hoped it was from Joy. It was a simple answer, quite short if you asked him. It had a few mistakes and she had repeated letters like most teenage girls seemed to do. She never did that. He tried not to worry but all he could think about was his sister's drunken or crying texts.
He decided to call her. He had been meaning to call her before but he knew she wasn't really comfortable speaking on the phone. He understood, he knew it wasn't easy for some people to talk on phone.
The phone rang and rang and rang and she never picked up. He tried once more and he had the same result. He considered giving up and just replying to her text but he decided to try one more time. He called again and now someone picked up on the fourth ring.
"Hey" she said timidly.
"Hey. How are you doing, Joy?" He asked a bit cheerfully, trying to make her more comfortable.
"I'm doing okay" she replied, her voice sounding a bit raspy
"Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah, I-I'm okay Jerome" Her voice sounded as if it was caught up in her throat "Don't worry about me"
He considered not pointing it out but before he knew it he had already said it "Are you crying?"
"I'm okay Jerome," she repeated but she didn't sounded okay and Jerome knew things weren't okay and she was certainly not okay. He would let it go but last time he did that things didn't end up right and he's not in the business of repeating the same dumb mistakes.
He took a deep breath and said, "What's wrong?"
"I already told you everything is okay" her voice gave her away. Her words got cut and she seemed to be on the verge of hyperventilation.
Jerome sat up and said one more time "Joy, what's wrong" before she could say anything he continued "and don't tell me everything is okay because it sure as hell isn't"
She stayed quiet for a while and he thought that maybe she had hanged up on him but he heard no peep so he supposed he was fine for now.
Finally she spoke "My mum… uh… she's being a… a bitch"
"Good word choice" he said and let out a little laugh and he hoped she was at least giving a small smile to whatever was in front of her "Uh... what did she do?"
"My aunt called. I talked to her and then my mother started yelling at me because of how pathetic I was" her voice cracked at the end and he was now completely sure she was crying.
"Hey, Joy, you're not pathetic okay? She probably didn't even realise what she was saying" He wasn't a good psychologist, there was no doubt in that but he was willing to try.
She didn't say anything but he could hear her breathing starting to get faster and heavier and he felt so goddamned useless. He couldn't help her, he had no idea what to do and his brain was going 300 miles an hour trying to find a way to be there for her. All he could think about was 9th grade when his sister had a panic attack and about how useless he felt at the time too. It had been two days before New Year and they had been alone home since his parents had left to Brazil because his mother wanted to spend New Year there. He almost panicked but 9th grade Jerome managed to remain calmed and help his sister. He remembers having to seat in front of her, reassure her everything was going to be fine and help her breath. It wasn't pretty, as he had seen on that one TV show. It sure as hell hadn't been pretty seeing his sister's tear stained face as she struggled to breath and she moved her shaking hands up and down calling him over.
He whispered Joy's name a couple of times trying to get her to talk to him but he knew it was pointless. Barely 30 seconds later the breathing stopped.
"Joy" he whispered again "you've got to breath"
"I-I can't" she stuttered on that simple two word phrase. Jerome really wished he could be face to face with her right now; it would be so much easier to help her if that was the case.
"Uhh you got to breath with me okay? Everything is going to be alright" he tried so hard to remain calmed himself. He wouldn't be able to help her if he was panicking too. "Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale", He repeated until he heard her breathing stabilize.
She didn't say anything for a while and he knew she was just recovering and that he shouldn't push her to talk right away.
"Thanks" she said sounding exhausted.
"My pleasure" he said in a 'funny' accent hoping to lighten the mood. He's not sure it worked.
He talked to her for a while longer and purposely avoided anything related to what had just happened fearing that she'd have another attack. He had no problem helping Joy and he sure as hell wasn't scared of what had just happened to his friend, he understood that it was common and that it was actually scarier to the person going through it, still he felt that Joy having two panic attacks in one night wouldn't be good for her at all.
They talked about school and how their classes were going and he told her about his trip and she told him a bit about hers. Her voice still sounded a bit uneasy and he didn't blame her at all. Sometimes it's harder to speak on a phone that it is face-to-face and he got that. He didn't push her and he accepted the recurring awkward silences that tended to happen between them.
He heard her yawn and then she said, "I'm going to sleep Jerome. If I'm not wrong you're an hour ahead therefore you should sleep too"
"It's not even midnight!" he exclaimed and he wasn't lying. His clock said 11:43PM and while he was tired he didn't want to leave Joy just yet.
"No, but its close. I'm going to sleep though so I'll talk to you tomorrow okay?"
He smiled and nodded before replying "Sure. Sweet dreams Joy"
"Good night" she said in a sleepy voice and he hanged up because he knew she didn't like hanging up first (something about the other person trying to say something and she cutting them off)
He was, once again, alone in his hotel room staring at the vast ceiling with his phone lying on his stomach and his mind occupied by Joy. He decided he was going to pay her a visit. He had this urge to talk to her, to see her and to actually be there for her instead of being present through a mobile phone.
He heard a knock on the door and he opened it to reveal his mother who smiled at him and told him they were back as if it wasn't obvious already. She told him to go to sleep and then she left to her hotel room.
Jerome had never been close to his mother and much less to his father. They sent him to a boarding school at the age of 10 (he knows that was his dad's idea) and when he went back home for the holidays he mostly only found his mother. His parents (mostly his dad) had never made great effort to be there for their kids and he's sure they wouldn't have brought him to their trip if it weren't for what had happened 2 years ago. They had been trying to be better parents since then but they weren't really succeeding. They acted the same as they had done before, there was a vague difference but it was the same nevertheless. And even if they did change Jerome thought it was a bit to late to fix their endless mistakes. He was 18 and they did wrong the first 16 years of his life, he's not sure they can be able to fix it in 2 years.
He still blamed himself for the events from 2 years ago and he didn't enjoy thinking about it at all so he changed his clothes, turned of the light and went to sleep ignoring every thought about what had happened the years prior and concentrated on what was going in that moment.
i'll like to apologize like i do in every chapter bc you know i never update. also i had this really important french exam today and yesterday and i'm sure i nailed the speaking part (i probably fucked the writing one tho) and i'm 60% sure i'm getting the diploma.