Disclaimer: No.
A/N: Okay so I decided to update this. I'm in college now, I don't have much free time. It's currently one in the morning and I just finished my homework. I wrote this earlier today and almost completely forgot to post it because I'm now exhausted. Since it's super late, let's just ignore all mistakes in this, okay? No. Kindly point them out if you catch any and I'll fix them. I tried to proof-read it but all the words are beginning to blur together.
This is kinda the chapter where everything starts to fall into place.
So that's important. :) And this is also the chapter where you'll learn why this fic is nicknamed "Sparring" between Sav and I.
It's become their thing. She won't leave him now. She won't sleep alone so they end up like this every night. From the moment she stepped up and made him lie down with her. Four nights, she's been pressed between his body and the back of the couch. It's cramped for them, they're both tall and this isn't like their couch at home. But they make it work.
Except it's not working now. She's woken roughly by his body jerking, twitching. Her eyes flash open from the discomfort. It's dark, she can barely see, her vision blurred from sleep. But then his hand is in her shirt, gripping tight, pinching her skin. She's sleep fogged, it takes her a few minutes to realize what's happening and then she's sliding her hand over the back of his, trying to make him let go.
"Castle." It's too quiet, her voice small and hushed. She swallows roughly, grips his hand and tries again. "Rick?"
That's when her brain clears enough to know he isn't awake. He's having a nightmare. His chest heaving with it and her heart shatters for him. For the way he clings at her and the sound he makes when she presses her mouth to his ear and shushes him gently. She twines around him, first her thigh over his hip and then her arm around his waist. She presses impossibly closer and speaks in a soothing tone.
Beckett knows how bad nightmares can be. She's experienced more than her fair share and she does her best to soothe him, to rock him gently into waking. His name a mantra on her lips and it works. His breathing is labored, his muscles tight but in a flash, he's knocking her away and he's up. Sitting and seemingly unaware of her, of the fact that she followed. He's trembling when she touches him.
"Castle..."
"Go back to sleep, I'm fine." He isn't. His voice is shaking too and she knows that whatever he'd dreamt must have been awful.
"The hell you are."
"Beckett -"
"Stop. Just stop. It's not even daylight and I'm tired of pretending so just be honest with me. I'm supposed to be your fiancée." She still wears the ring. Every single day. Even with him retreating into himself, she wears it because she loves him and he loves her too.
It's time he stops punishing himself for this.
"You are." It's rough. Accusing but then something snaps and changes. She can feel it shift when he whispers it this time. "You are, Kate."
"Then why doesn't it feel like I am?" Those are the magic words. The ones that make him reach for her.
She doesn't know if it's the nightmare that broke him or if she finally just got through but it doesn't matter because his palms are warm on her neck. His mouth hot when it melds with hers. Tongues and teeth. A battle of wills because she's still angry and he's still...something. She doesn't know. She just knows this is the closest she's felt to him since the incident. Since he started slipping away.
With his mouth rough on hers and his teeth tugging at her bottom lip. This she can do. She can handle this side of him. And she does.
She grips his shirt, pulls away just long enough to raise it over his head. It's forgotten the moment it slips from her fingers. She's missed this. She's missed touching him, being with him. He tugs at her clothes as if he doesn't have the patience nor the time to dispose of them properly. He growls, abandons shoving her pants down the moment they're thigh level.
His hand slides between her legs before she can even get her shirt off. His fingers quick to stroke, his mouth blazing hot breath and wet kisses down her neck. He's lost in a haze of need but this is the closest he's been to himself in weeks. She isn't about to stop him. Not when the want curls in her core, not when she's wet and just as desperate to have him inside her as he is to get there.
She's the one to undress them both. The one to grip his hip, urge him down with her when she lays back against the cushion. Her hands clench when his teeth find a nipple, biting and sucking until she's rocking against him. Chanting now, Castle, please, over and over until that first thrust knocks the air out of her lungs.
It's quick and rough. Their bodies starved for one another. A moan dies in her throat, nothing more than silence slipping past her parted lips. And then it's a rush to nirvana. Her body chasing his with every jerk of her hips. Needing to be filled, stretched around him. Desperate to feel close after feeling so shut out. She's selfish, wanting more when he's suffering. But with every slap of skin and grind of their bodies, the shadows that have loomed slowly drift away.
She feels it first, feels the change from the fast, rough thrusts to the long, deep lingering ones that have him pressed in all the right places. He fits here. Like this. Inside her. Wrapped around her. With his forehead pressed to hers and his breath hot over her lips. She's the one to kiss him. To arch into it when he slides just right and her spine bows. He breaks first.
Emotionally. She can feel something wet on his cheeks, she still can't really see but it doesn't matter because seconds later, she can taste the tears.
And physically. His body giving out when she twists her hips and rocks up into him. He shatters, nothing left but pieces. She doesn't care that he's groaning, spilling into her or that she's not quite there yet. A few more seconds rocking against him and she follows. She comes quietly, with her mouth pressed to his jaw. Fluttering around him as her body shivers with it. It was never about longevity. Not this time.
The desperation eases. The heaviness straining between them disappears and she presses her palm between his shoulder blades. He takes the hint. He lets her pull him down until his face presses against her neck and his chest meets hers. And this is all she's been wanting. The chance to be there for him when he needs her.
She holds him, slides her fingers through his hair. And gives him a few minutes to settle himself. Shifting to get comfortable. He doesn't move a muscle. He stays buried against her, still inside her. Not ready to lose this moment and neither is she. Not after everything the last several weeks have brought about. They've been on the run longer than she'd ever wanted to be.
Between his guilt and her own, they make a fine pair tonight. Or this morning. Whatever hour it is. It's still too dark. But their breathing slows, calms and she hugs him a little tighter.
"I missed this." She whispers it in his ear. Letting him know. "I missed you."
"I'm sorry, Kate." He's steadier when he raises his head. She can barely make out his features even with him being so close.
But she doesn't need to see.
"We can talk when it's daylight, ok? I really would like a few more hours of sleep. In a bed." The unasked question lingers. Will you join me?
And he doesn't answer. Not verbally but his actions speak volumes more than words ever could. He disentangles himself from her hold and after a second of clinging too tight to try to make him stay, she lets him go. She's glad she did because as soon as he's up, his arms are sliding under her. One around her back, one beneath her knees.
They don't search for their clothes, they don't say anything as he hoists her up. She doesn't squeal at him to put her down. They aren't quite back to that yet. But she bumps her nose against his jawline as he carries her toward the bedroom.
"I feel like I should be carrying you." Because he's hurting, because he's broken, because he just cried. She doesn't mean physically. Though that thought does bring a smile to her face out of sheer ridiculousness.
But the smile is erased the moment she feels him kiss her hair.
"You are." He whispers it as they cross into the room. Her ankle hits the door frame, making her yelp and him apologize.
They should have turned on a light. But then they're falling onto the bed and light doesn't matter. They don't need it to twine around each other and sleep. It's the first night he's back in the bed with her. The first where he's the one to pull her closer and kiss her goodnight.
And she's going to get answers once daylight comes. She also has some things she has to share.
They slept late. Beckett doesn't know if they were actually that tired or if the boredom is finally getting to them. But she woke to him watching her, and she'd been a little stunned to see him there.
He stayed. And he made breakfast. And he hasn't been in their room of theories once. Not even a glance at the closed door all day. Which makes her want to ask what changed but she doesn't yet. She waits until they're outside.
They both came to this conclusion. The cabin is getting to them, making them irritable. The lack of human interaction, lack of TV, lack of everything is hard to deal with. They're used to the bustle of a city. Not the crickets and coyotes out here. So they're hiking. Walking the trail that extends into the woods from the back of the cabin. With a bag of snacks and water, she's already feeling better. They have no plan.
They're just walking until they decide to turn around. They're both quiet at first, but it's peaceful and the fresh air is nice. She smiles at him when she sees him checking the trees. He's still hyperaware. And that's good. She is too, she's just more subtle about it. They've grown comfortable inside the cabin. Lax on security. That probably needs to change.
She might make a trip into town, buy more locks. Upgrade the deadbolt. But she's not leaving him like she has the last two times. She'll make him come too.
"Being out here makes me understand cabin fever." She starts the conversation off light. They'll get to serious aspects soon enough.
Castle steps over a log, offers her a hand as she does the same. He doesn't let go once she's over and she's the one to slide her fingers through his to strengthen the contact.
"Most would still bring their computers or smartphones. Not that they would work out here." Their surroundings are thickly wooded area, there's a stream somewhere because she can hear it. But all she sees is green. Lots of leaves, lots of hiding places.
"I doubt most people vacationing in a cabin are wanted by the FBI." She means it as a joke, she does but it falls flat. Still too soon.
She keeps her eyes on the brush and the trees. Listens for any steps that are not their own. He's back to being quiet, pensive. And she squeezes his hand to let him know that anything he needs to say, he can.
"I don't know how to say sorry when I still feel like..." He trails off, and she stops walking, tugs until he does too. He's fighting for the words that just don't seem to come and she's watching the struggle.
"Castle, you killed a man. With your hands. I'd be more worried if you were fine with that."
"I am fine with that. He was- he was killing you." He's lying, to himself more so than to her and she hates it. She presses their entwined hands to his chest and sets him straight.
"No, babe, you're not fine with it. I see you. And it's okay not to be okay."
"He was hurting you...he was -"
"I know." Then it clicks for her. His self destructive behavior, how he's distancing himself. "Rick, is that why - you're feeling guilty because it bothers you and you think it shouldn't."
"He was gonna kill you. He was sent to kill us both. So why do I -"
She cuts him off with her mouth against his. Pressing up into a kiss that's equal parts hard and soft before she breaks away just as quickly.
"Because you're a good man."
"I don't regret it. And I would do it again. Easily. Anyone comes for us and I'll do everything I have to."
"That goes both ways. Just...talk to me?" She feels relief wash over when he nods in promise.
"I didn't think I was that bad, honest. I just wanted to solve this so we'd be safe and I could take you home." He lost himself a little and she knows. His eyes tell everything. They always have.
And she needs to be honest with him too but first, she wants one more answer.
"What made you realize?"
"The nightmare. I didn't kill him and he killed you instead. When I woke up and you were there, I knew I had to find a way to deal with this. And mostly because of you. You pushed." The hand she isn't holding captive comes up to touch her cheek. Warm and soft touch. She leans into it, feels her heart thump steadily with the knowledge that she helped. "I needed you to snap me out of it."
She has to come clean. She has to tell him what she's kept secret for days. Because now that his thinking is a little clearer, she needs him on her side and not upset with her for keeping secrets.
"I called in some extra help. I'm waiting to see if it comes through but I didn't know what else to do - "
"Can we just put it aside today and pick it back up tomorrow?" That's not what she expected but he's still a little on edge. Still tense.
"Okay. I'll tell you everything tomorrow." She'll tell him about her call to Will and how she hasn't heard anything since. She's still hopeful. "So uh, what other things did you learn from the CIA?"
"Basic fighting skills. But I didn't keep up with that. I don't know how I even - I just saw you couldn't breathe. And he had his hands on you. I snapped."
"No. You saved me and I love you just as I did before." This doesn't fix everything. Last night didn't fix it and this won't either but it's a start. He's being open. That'll help. And he's not miraculously healed yet but she'll make sure the clouds lingering in his eyes eventually dissipate to the clear blue she adores.
"Could you -"
"Shhh." She hears something, movement. A snap. And rustling. Something is close. "Something's coming."
They're both paranoid. With every right to be but she still rolls her eyes when he tries to step in to shield her. She's the one with the gun tucked into the waistband of her shorts. But her heart races, adrenaline pumping as they wait, as she reaches for the weapon.
She prepares for bullets, for knives, for anything relating to the chase they're part of.
She does not prepare for the long legs that step out of the brush, the hooves attached. Or the face of a doe. She opens her mouth but Castle shakes his head, motions for her to stay quiet. So she does. And they watch as the deer cautiously makes her way through the trees.
Only when she's gone do they resume their conversation.
"Well that's not something you see everyday." He's smiling again and she slips her hand back into his. "Not where we're from anyway."
"Come on, Castle. Let's find somewhere to sit and eat."
"Before we have our day of just pushing everything aside and enjoying each other's company, I want to ask you something."
"Okay."
"Help me brush up on those fighting skills?"
"You want me to spar with you?"
"And teach me new things too. If we're out here, running from an unknown enemy then I want to be able to do more than shoot them or kill them by sheer luck." Part of her wants to say no. Because she doesn't like thinking of anyone coming after them and him needing to fight hand to hand with more skill than it would take in a bar brawl. But she nods anyway.
Just not today because she's fully on board with his idea of taking this day for just them, for their mental health.
"Starting tomorrow. We'll start everything tomorrow." And as she squeezes his palm, she offers what she hopes is a reassuring smile. They needed this. It isn't possible to completely relax out here. Not when their circumstances are so complicated, twisted. But a day to pretend to be normal, to step back from the case and give their brains a rest? They need it. He needs it more than she does but both will benefit.
They haven't caught a break. They've been running, theorizing, cleaning, hiding, working themselves into exhaustion trying to find some string to connect everything. A break is necessary at this point or they'll both lose their sanity.