Tales of The Awkward: Evasive Maneuvers
Fireworks should be lighting up the hazy August night sky. Futuristic visions of lovers kissing underneath the starlight should be igniting inside his head... Well, maybe not exactly that. Even without the futuristic visions, he had knew that it had finally happened... for the first time in modern history... Forget modern history, this was history in the making; Ron Stoppable. The Ron Stoppable: Former stumblebum. Former loser. Former froob with absolute flying colors, had himself a date!
An actual real-live date… strange and crazy it was.
And it wasn't one of those pity deals either. This was for real. Complete with nervous silence, the surprise, and the all-important victory lap that was to be run afterward...
...well, that victory lap was to follow.
The blond still couldn't get over who was on the other end of the line. He was almost been told everything by the blonde over the telephone, and yet, he could still barely believe it... Whoever thought that in a million years that Tara, one of the more attractive Middleton High Mad Dog cheerleaders... Well, all of them were fairly attractive... except maybe Liz... Either way, who would've known that Tara had eyes for him?
Wait a minute, don't answer that.
It might not have come off as a surprise to those few who actually knew, but for the blond-haired mascot of Middleton High, it came off as an utter kick in the face. Well, actually, a good kick in the face. Actually, a kick in the face was never good, no matter which way you spun it. OK... It was like a nice Hawaiian Punch... except without all of the Citric Acid. He should totally be bouncing off the walls by now. He wanted to tell everyone of his decisive victory over... whatever he was going up against. Above all that, he wanted to do his victory lap, followed by climbing up a flight of steps Rocky Balboa-style and proclaim to the entire universe Ronald Stoppable had himself a date for the first time in his adolescent life.
Being fifteen going on sixteen had never felt so awesome...
"Yah-Boo!" He raved to no one in partcular
Hold the phone, that didn't come out exactly right...
Speaking of holding phones...
It had been about fifteen minutes since Ron had hung up, and sure, the sound of a telephone off the hook was mildly annoying with all of that buzzing and what-not. But nothing, and by nothing, not even mindless New England-biased drivel from Bill Simmons could bring Tara down from her emotional high right now.
Not that kind of high. But the high that one gets when the person that they happen to be crushing on actually acknowledges you.
It was kind of that high that left her hyperventilating, nervy, and as giddy as a schoolgirl.
Wait, she was a schoolgirl.
She knew that she could do it... Though she didn't know what the result was going to be. When she called up, though, it seemed as though Ron was caught off guard from her call, which was strange. Sure, he was a bit quirky, but that certainly stop the girls from turning their heads recently.
But the other girls didn't matter right now, for Friday, she was all his, and everything was going be... stereotypically perfect.
"Mmm," Tara swooned at the thought of one lanky blond-haired boy. This was going to be the Friday night that dreams were made of.
That is, if people dreamt of Friday nights, of course.
For as great as this occurrence was, there was just one particular hitch to this sitch. Even past the victory speech, and the running of a mile, and the telling everyone he knows... Telling everyone he knew would mean...
...telling Kim.
Wait a minute, who was this Kim anyway?
Ah, yes... That acquaintance of his... The girl with the red hair who saved the world on occasion... The girl that didn't have his... undivided attention, up until... One second ago.
All thoughts of utter glory of getting a date quickly dissolved back into Kim. Most likely in the vein of 'What in the heck was he going to tell her'? Would he give her the straight and honest truth, or would he make some sort of obscene lie about what was going on? How was she going to take this? Would she be in favor of her best friend finally getting a first date for the first time... or would she be against it?
Hm... These were several questions that would remain unanswered, for now.
But then again, there wouldn't be any reason for his best friend in the whole world to be against him going out on a date...
...Unless she was really trying to tell him something with that near miss earlier that afternoon.
Oh... Goodness! What if he did miss something? What if she was trying to tell him something? The boy nearly turned pale at the thought of it.
She had almost kissed him, and here he was thinking about a date with another girl?
Then, at a moment's notice while mounted on the headless horse, returned the knight of confloption.
Confloption?
All of a sudden, all the victory lap business began to fade away. Every time he had previously thought that he had erased the girl from his thoughts, she would creep right back in. He figured with that phone call from the unexpected, his misgivings about his best friend would be forgotten, but instead, all it did was open up a brand new can of worms. It was three nights before his date with the flaxen-haired young woman, and Ron's thought process was going to be stuck on something else.
This was not boding well for the Ron-man, not a-tall.
The next morning didn't bring any further answes for the dilemma that he was in. As he entered the bathroom for a shower, he quickly realized that there was nothing funny about double jeopardy unless a contestant blew all his or her money away on a Daily Double.
The greedy fools...
As he turned the knob of the faucet, another nasty realization knocked on the proverbial door; Friday nights were usually the nights Kim and himself did things together... Well, not things like that, but they would do things like go to the cinema, watch some TV at his or her house, or hop over to the carnival when it was in town. Fun and entertaining stuff like that...
But don't you dare call it dating, though.
In fact, Kim began to coin Friday nights as "Ron Nights." Whatever that meant...
Breaking that stuff up this Friday Night would be like breaking tradition...
...Breaking tradition, like what Kim almost did that Fourth of July weekend. Hmph, Vince Vinson didn't let a little thing called 'tradition' stop him from asking Kim out for the Fourth, and her saying yes... Hey, wait a sec!
Yes! Ron had something!
Ammunition! (am-yuh-nish-uh) n.
1. The material fired, scattered, dropped, or detonated from any weapon, as bombs or rockets, and esp. shot, shrapnel, bullets, or shells fired by guns.
2. The means of igniting or exploding such material, as primers, fuses, and gunpowder
3. Information, advice, or supplies that help defend or attack a viewpoint, argument, or claim.
4. Something that will guarantee Ron Stoppable a date this Friday Night... Boo-Yah!
He had himself something in the form of ammunition. Good old, trusty armaments... Ammo that he had that time when he was trapped in the Janitor's Closet that entire weekend, due to his best friend's negligence and her being totally drawn to Mankey-boy... He chose to let that flap slide because he didn't want any confrontation... and besides, Kim was so joyous that Monday afternoon, he didn't want to spoil that for her.
But this time around... Yessir! He had beautiful, gorgeous ammunition. A trump card to keep his best friend at bay if she didn't approve of his upcoming date with Tara... She would accept it, one way or another, or else...
He took a look at himself in the mirror... This was no good, and he knew it too.
Ron Stoppable wasn't the type to hold a grudge, and he wasn't going to begin holding any now that he was going out with a girl. He stepped out of the bathroom feeling like his stratagem was right back to Square One. 'Honesty was always the best policy,' he thought to himself. The age-old proverb was the sage words of his father and many others before him...
Hopefully, honesty won't leave him with a broken nose...
The Pep-Talk: Version 7.3e Build 4402
"So what do you think, Monique? Do you think it would be safe to...?"
"That's your problem, Kim. Everything's gotta be safe with you," Monique chided from the other end of the line. "I don't know how someone who..."
"I've heard that one before, Mo," Kim cut in.
"Ah... What I'm saying is, you've got to put yourself out there once in a while."
"Yeah, but I'm going to be putting myself out there to Ron," The redhead replied, a trace of fear in her voice. "I mean, do I really have to ask him out?"
"Whoa-Whoa, Kim," Monique countered. " Rome wasn't built in a day. Since Ron is still in that 'zone,' you may want to start small... Like say, if there a day where you two exclusively hang out or..."
"Like Friday nights?" Kim chimed in.
"You guys hang out on Friday nights? Are you sure you haven't hooked up yet?"
Kim laughed dryly. "Very Funny... And yes, I'm sure."
"Anyway, during that night, what you might want to do is go little by little as you along."
"But what if he doesn't respond to my advances? I mean, this is Ron we're talking about here."
"Eh... Then you'll want to do what you did yesterday..."
On the Possible end of the line, Kim could almost see the sardonic smile painted on the face of her female friend.
"But... From what you've told me, I think he would know,"
"How can you be so sure about this, Monique? I mean--"
The fashion store clerk sighed. "Look, Kim... You're not going to go anywhere with this if your going to keep questioning yourself... and me, for the matter. Now, remember what I told you, there are two rules to this game; Number One is to react and don't think all of the time, and number two is thinking of this process like the Major League Baseball regular season."
"Wait... You mean, it's boring until the final two weeks?" Kim asked.
"No," Monique replied, her eyes rolling toward the sky.
"Oh... You mean, it's just a matter of when the Red Sox will collapse?"
"No, Kim!" The professional wrestling enthusiast shouted. How dare she say that about her Red Sox...
"Oh! You mean it's a marathon and not a sprint."
"Correct," Monique replied, shaking her head. "Since there's no direct competition with anyone else..."
Little did either of them realize...
"...This can take as long as you want it to... Besides, Ron would be absolutely out of his mind to not hook up with you. So, don't overdo it, and after some time, he'll be putty in your hands... I think."
"Where do you get all of this advice from, Mo?"
"Oh, I watch a lot of Grey's Anatomy," she replied.
Ah... That explained it.
(Pssh, No, it didn't.)
"Thanks for the talk, Mo... I really appreciate it," Kim said gratefully. "I feel a lot better about this now."
"Well, you should," Monique replied. "Now, go get 'im."
"If there's anything I could---"
"Uh... Yeah. If things between you and Ron don't exactly pan out, try not to act surprised if you see me going after him. 'Cause you know, 'Once you go..."
Monique then heard the familiar sound of a click, then a dial tone. Hmph, is that the thanks she gets for providing invaluable advice?
"Ingrate..."
It had been the middle of the afternoon, and Ron still didn't have himself a course of action to deal with his current state of affairs. Right about now, nothing was coming up in that big, blond brain of his... Well, his brain wasn't exactly blond, but by the way he was thinking, it was kind of hard to tell. Kim was due back in town any hour and his right mind was drawing an absolute blank. He hoped that by now, something would come up... But that was yesterday's excuse.
Then again, he had an idea of what may give his cerebral cortex a jump start.
Rushing over to his room, he scooped his best friend that wasn't a human being.
"Hey, Rufus, ol' pal... Ready for a daily dose of greasy, fattening Tex-Mex fast food?"
Who wouldn't be ready for that?
The most famous naked mole rat nodded affirmatively. Within minutes, the blond whisked the rodent away to their favorite greasy, fattening Tex-Mex fast-food joint...
No... Not Taco Bell...
Delay... Delay... Delay...
What was a gawky teenage boy to do? Night had fallen, and still, he had absolutely nothing... Heck, being that it was the summertime, it took a long darn time for night to fall, too... In addition to that, Kim left him a message whilst he was stuffing his face at Bueno Nacho (Not Taco Bell)... The gist of the message was the fact that she was coming over later tonight! And worse yet, she didn't specify the exact time, effectively leaving the blond without time for preparation! Was the blond addled about this matter?
Of course not! The blond possessed nerves of steel... Nothing ever rattled him. How ready for the redhead's arrival was he?
Oh, come on! Hiding underneath the covers in his bed? Well, that's just uncalled for!
He was bigger and better than this. This was all about growing up and being a man about matters like this. And blast it, he could handle this! He was Ron Stoppable, for crying out loud! There was no reason for him to react to all this in the manner of...
Ding-Dong.
As if Jason or Freddy Krueger rang the doorbell, Ron ducked underneath the sheets once again. Guess that courageous spurt of his disappeared like the legend of Tony Romo.
What was taking Ron so long? It was freezing cold out here!
To tell the truth, it wasn't freezing cold out as it was late August, but Kim was getting impatient at the time it took for the boy to open the door. He couldn't be sleeping already as the sun has just set about thirty minutes ago. What was taking him?
On the other side of the door, Ron took one of those 'deep, cleansing breaths' that one would take before, during, or after seeing a psychiatrist. He could do this... Besides, Mama Stoppable ain't never raised no punks... did she?
He turned the knob quickly. No surprise - it was Kim.
Surprise - One second after he had opened the door and before had a shadow of an opportunity to greet her, the slender redhead immediately squeezed him like a can of... disgusting Easy Cheese.
"K.P.," he wheezed after being squeezed. "What was that for?"
That question caught the girl off guard.
"Can't a girl be happy to see her best friend?" She asked in an even tone.
"Uh, yeah..." Ron replied, taking in valuable oxygen. "With or without squeezing the oxygen out of so-called best friend, give or take..."
Kim shot him a look that was enough to make him back off of those words. "Eh, I mean..." He apologized. "I-uh... missed you too," he corrected himself with a silly expression on his face. Lucky for him, the world-defending girl didn't keep her countenance after his little crack, because that look would have certainly killed… namely him.
Was it the silly joke, or was it the silly look on his face or was it both that made Kim crack a grin in her best friend's general direction?
"So, K.P., what's new?"
"Oh nothing," she replied. "Just thought I'd hang out," she added as she took a seat on the couch. "You know?"
"Yeah, I do know... But I can't really hang right now," the blond replied, his hand massaging the back of his neck nervously.
"Why not?" Kim asked, clearly disappointed.
Do it, Ron, Do It!
"Uh, well, my parents are due back from Florida any hour now and I've gotta clean the place up," he said quickly and bit quietly. While his parents were due back in town soon, his E.T.A. was early at best.
The auburn-haired girl took a look around at the interior of the Stoppable home. She didn't see much wrong with the place.
"The place looks fine to me," she stated.
Uh-Oh... Follow-Up, Ron. Follow-Up!
"Eh, you know how it is with the 'rents," he said with a nervous chuckle. "Total neat freaks... Am I right?"
She couldn't exactly put a fine point on it, but Ron was acting a bit strange at this point. She, however, wasn't going to question his reasoning. With a shrug, she got up from the couch and went toward the door.
"We are still on for Friday Night, right?" The redhead asked turning toward him.
She would have to ask that. Furthermore, why did she ask the way she did? It's not like they were dating or anything, right? Right? Right?
"Uhh... About that.. I don't I'm going to be able to make it..." he replied, avoiding all eye contact with her.
"Really? Why not?"
"I think I might be catching something... I think I got a fever..."
At a moment's notice, the teen super heroine placed the back of her hand on the boy's forehead. Bad Idea.
"You feel fine to me..."
"You're right, K.P., I'm not sick"
"So what's the problem, Ron?"
The sidekick remained tight-lipped. He was caught between a rock and a hard place, contemplating on whether or not he should tell his best friend of over a decade of his good news... or bad news.
Kim was puzzled at what may have been going on with blond. This day he seemed to be devoid of his usual self... whatever that was. Still, it was bothering her why Ron wasn't telling her why they weren't hooking up in two days.
"Ron..." She began, taking the boy's hand. The redhead was even more surprised why the freckled boy attempted to pry his hand away, but ignored it. She also attempted to look into his eyes, but he kept looking away. What was up with him?
"...Ron, we've been through almost everything, right?"
"Uh, well, yeah."
Ron knew full well that he was headed for the dreaded Guilt Trip Talk between friends... or did he?
"And we've told each other everything without judging one another, right?"
The boy sighed. "Yes," he answered lowly.
"We're best friends, Ron. You can tell me anything, just like I know that I can tell you anything," she said with a friendly smile. If the smile on the auburn-haired girl's face or the fact that she turned his head to face her didn't rattle Ron, then the fact that she was squeezing his hand certainly did. Rattled or not, Kim was right. Usually, they never kept anything from each other... Except that certain July weekend earlier in the summer. Then again, two wrongs never made a right.
Looking into her eyes, he decided that she deserved to hear the truth. Even though that Independence Day weekend... Never mind.
"You're right, K.P.," he said, shaking his head.
"I know I am," the redhead retorted with a cheeky grin. "So, what's the reason why you're canceling on Friday night?"
"Uh..."
Remember, Ron... She deserved to hear this.
"Well, last night, after you went off to stop Drakken's take-over-the-world scheme, I got a call from ..."
He stopped in his tracks... Should the truth really be told?
(Yes, damn it!)
"... Tara."
Kim raised an eyebrow. Why would Tara call Ron? In fact, where the hell did Tara get Ron's number from?
"So we talked for about twenty minutes, had a few laughs, reminisced about the good old days of junior high school... that kind of stuff. Man, that Tara is really cool, and a real nice person. I don't know why they say blondes are stupid, because she seems pretty sharp to me. Sharp like a knife... speaking of knives, don't ever take sharp end of a knife when someone is handing it to you... I've been there before, and it wasn't pleasant. Speaking of pleasant, wasn't it a pleasant day here in Middleton today?.. Not too much heat, not too much humidity, it was real..."
"Ron!"
:"What?"
"You're rambling... Get back to the Tara thing," Kim commanded.
"Oh! Uh... Well, after we finished talking about the good old days, she asked me if I wanted to hang out with her on Friday night and boy, was I taken by surprise... real surprise. No girl has asked me to hang with them in like... ever."
Infractions with the Awkward Referee.
1. "Illegal Procedure, Rambling on the blond freckled boy. Still doing it after best friend told him to stop. Five yard penalty, repeat your reasoning."
2. "We also have a Common Knowledge False Start on the blond freckled boy for passing off pertinent information without emphasizing it. That's a ten yard penalty."
3, "Finally, we have a personal foul on the blond freckled boy. Failing to recognize his best companion, who happens to be of the female sex, asks him out almost every Friday night. That's a fifteen yard penalty and a loss of down. The penalties will all be assessed and it will be fourth and fourty-five."
"...I kinda didn't know what to say to her..." Ron trailed off.
"What did you say?" Kim asked a slight, itty-bitty, microscopic, smaller-than-Mission Impossible 3's plot air of jealousy in her voice.
"I said... er... I kinda said..."
Ron took a deep breath. There was nothing to be ashamed of here, even though he thought that there was.. "I said, Yes."
And that's when the volcano erupted... but what kind of eruption?
"Oh..." The redhead simply replied. There were no questions, no anger, and most importantly, no molten hot lava. The blond was partly relieved from her reaction.
"S-So, you're OK with that?" Ron asked, fully aware that the roles were simply reversed that fateful Friday night.
"Of course I'm not OK with it, Ron! Are you kidding me! Asking a stupid question like that. I oughta pull those ears of yours right off and feed them to you, you little..."
"Yeah... of course," Kim replied. "We're best friends, right?"
It's strange... Maybe it was the fact that girls matured faster than boys, but Ron was certain that he didn't and wouldn't have taken this as well as K.P. was taking it.
"Yeah, we are," the sidekick replied, his lips curling upward.
"I knew it was about time before my Ron grew up," she said almost wistfully. "So go get 'em," she added, giving the blond a playful nudge to his jaw.
Oh, did she want to chin-check this boy right now...
"You sure you're fine with this?"
"Yes, I'm fine with it., Ron."
Hold It!
Critical Error 323B: The Deadly Two Words
Description: "I'm fine (with it or just by itself).", "Everything's fine.", "It's OK."
Symptoms: When girls say words of this nature, it means it means the exact opposite. In other words, homeboy, whatever you did, you screwed up big time, Big Boy.
Treatment: Hope you like kissing feet for about three weeks.
No lie to Kim Possible had stung as much as that one. If she stayed here for a moment longer, the nasty, jealous truth was going to come out, and it was going to come in a hurry. She had to get out of this immediately.
"Hey, Ron... I uh, gotta go... Family stuff," she quickly said.
"Oh... Well, OK." replied Ron.
"I guess I'll see you on Monday then...?" Kim asked. 'Or does Tara have you booked for the rest of next week and the summer?'
"Yeah, Monday... And don't worry, K.P. I'll fill you in on all the details," the freckled-faced boy joked, a wink in the redhead's direction.
"Yeah..." Kim only managed to say before she let herself out of the Stoppable home. In her haste, she didn't bother to close the door on her way out. Surprised at the girl's haste, Ron went over to door and shut it slowly. When he heard the click of the door, he exhaled deeply.
'Wow,' Ron thought to himself. Kim is some kind of best friend. He was truly lucky to have a girl like that in his corner... if she wasn't, then things would be catastrophic for him.
Simply catastrophic.
End of Chapter Nine
Questions? Comments? Concerns? Can Eli Manning lead the Giants to a playoff berth? God, I hope so. Anyway, review... and review often.
S-Chrome.