2/3/11

Ok... Hiya ^^' We've not spoken in awhile. Well I'm writing this entry from a beautiful seat, basking in the afternoon sun. It's so peaceful and tranquil, every now and then I see a dog and handler walk by and I smile, the trees rustle comfortingly in the breeze and the sound of birdsong washes over me.
These moments are different from the ones I usually treasure, normally human interaction with my friends is all that concerns me, but today seems different. I haven't been having the best time with my parents, my fault really. I sparked it by lying, as usual, except this time my friends unintentionally sabotaged me. Long story short my parents knew I had lied to them about where I was and consequently took away things of importance to me. I s'pose I haven't learnt my lesson, I mean I'm supposed to be at home now, but I just couldn't bring myself to go.
The present situation may well have been a result of the fact I didn't talk to anyone for the second half of the day, in fact I'm pretty sure it was. What bothered me was that my 'friends' didn't act any differently when I didn't speak. They laughed and joked as usual and generally had a good time. This wasn't even my weird off mood. People that I hardly know were asking if I was ok, while my so called friends just shrugged it off, saying "yeah, she's fine"
I don't know if it's just me, but when one of my friends is upset I can't have a good time knowing that they're not well. The same as if someone is left out, or abandoned without reason. I know that I am overly protective and that my friends shouldn't mean so much to me, but really, I didn't think I was that far apart from everyone else's standards.
On another note I've realised why I keep changing the way I look. I found a quote online that summed it all up
"And I'll keep trying 'till I'm perfect, even if it's only for tomorrow, just for you."
I think that if I look good enough then maybe I will be. You may call me stupid, but our society values image very highly and we immediately judge people for it, as much as anyone tried to deny it.

I don't want to keep talking, but there's so much on my mind. So I apologise in advance for the stupidly long nature of this entry. So on we go.
I'm getting pretty close to Near now, I think I'm almost trusted. Near's great to talk to... about anything. Be it the smallest of jokes to the most terrifying of secrets, but he has his problems too and sometimes I feel a little helpless. I'm considering sharing my secrets with him, I'm sure he'd understand, but I'm not sure... how would I even go about it? Just hand him this book and say "here, there's my soul, take good care of it"?
I don't know, but he helps keep me sane on the nights demons haunt me. The other night I had a really bad case of it. I turned on my straighters (yes, I kill my hair, nobody looks this good without trying... actually... nope, not starting on that argument)and burnt into my arm.
There's still a red line there as I write this. It's the first time with heat and anywhere so obvious. I won't do it again, I'm terrified that someone will see and know what it is.
Here's the interesting bit though, I felt guilty. I've felt guilty before but never acted on it. This was always my release, something no-one would know. Yet here I was, making it blatantly obvious. What if someone found out? They might want to support me, try and deal with it. I'd become a worry and a burden. So, in my state of sleep deprived stupor what did I do? I picked up my phone...
Not a good idea.
Because, of course, the next thing I did was text "you" Yeah, the person most, if not all of this Diary is about. You worry me, make me happy, make me safe, support me, amuse me, confuse me. So to the person that means the most to me, what did I say?
"I'm sorry"
Thats it. It could have been longer, it could have been worse, but in the end it summed it all up.

Yeah, I probably am mental
I probably care too much
I probably need help

But for the minute I'll sit here, in the beauty of nature and know that at least I have a life to live, where the birds sing in harmony on a sunny afternoon.