Sanji tapped his foot angrily as he stared down at three of the biggest morons he's ever met. Luffy, Zoro, and Usopp all sat on their knees next to each other. Zoro stared at a spot on the floor while Usopp twirled a screwdriver around in his fingers. Luffy was pouting angrily and staring at Sanji.
"Why doesn't Chopper have to-!"
"Cause Chopper was doing his homework!"
"THEN WHY AM I GETTING IN TROUBLE YOU SHITTY COOK?!"
"BECAUSE YOU WERE SLEEPING! YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST TRIED TO STOP THEM DOING… WHATEVER THEY WERE DOING!"
"Chopper could have tried to stop us too!" Luffy interjected.
"Chopper is a thirteen year old among sixteen year olds. Chopper shouldn't have to babysit you!"
"But-!" Usopp attempted to counter Sanji's argument.
"QUIT TRYING TO THROW ME UNDER THE BUS YOU ASSHOLES!" Chopper screamed from his spot at the table, where he was still trying to do his homework, interrupting Usopp's attempts.
"Usopp! What were you doing to my TV?" Sanji looked to the first person in the row of dumbasses that he now had to chew out.
"It's a piece of shit! You can barely see anything on the screen, I was trying to fix it!"
"You couldn't have waited until I got home to ask?!" Usopp grimaced but nodded. Sanji then turned his attention to Luffy, quirking a curly eyebrow and leaning down to meet the black-haired boy eye to eye.
"How much of my kitchen did you eat you little prick?" Luffy smiled innocently and then made a face resembling somebody who was thinking extremely hard, which Sanji knew wasn't actually the case because Luffy didn't have enough brain cells to think.
"Mmmmm… I think-" Sanji slammed the heel of his socked foot on top of Luffy's head, halting him in his musings.
"You don't need to answer that, I've already checked. You ate nearly all the food I had ready to last us the entire night in what I'm guessing was ten minutes. That means that you get to go down to the corner store, buy us more shit to eat, and you get to pay for it all." Luffy whined loudly, rubbing at the bump on his head and scowling at the blond.
"But I don't wanna! Seven is when all the creepy guys come out… and it's raining!"
"Well then you can take the Marimo with you! He's even creepier than all of them and he'll scare them all off for you, now go!"
"OI! I'm not going shopping again shit head!"
"Quit complaining! You'll be gone for twenty minutes, that is, as long as Luffy's the one that leads, not you. And as long as you run you won't even get the perfect little lawn you call your hair wet." Zoro growled and stood up, gripping onto the collar of Sanji's dress shirt.
"I didn't even do anything!" Sanji snarled in response and dug his fingers into Zoro's tee, his eyes narrowed as he glared angrily into hazel eyes.
"You wanna go fuck face?! I'll kick your ass all over again!" The two stood there, boring into each other's eyes with their intense stares. Sanji could feel the muscles of Zoro's chest tensing right beneath his fingertips. The two boys were a bit… stumped at this point. Nami usually came between them here and they'd back off. Of course, they did have their fights where they would actually start to punch and kick… and bite and scratch and claw at each other. But more often than not, it ended here. Sanji really didn't wanna fight in his own house though so he shoved Zoro off of him and turned his back, walking towards the kitchen.
"Whatever… I'm gonna start on dinner right now, if you guys aren't back by the time it's done, you're not getting fed tonight." Luffy wailed and ran for the door, hurriedly yanking on his shoes and coat. Sanji heard Zoro scoff behind him and follow behind Luffy.
"Yeah right, there's no way you'd actually make us go hungry." Sanji scowled to himself as he rolled up his sleeves and started to pull ingredients out of the fridge. He'd have to feed five tonight so burgers made the most sense, but he'd been too busy with work yesterday to make any raw patties, and he didn't use that frozen, store bought crap.
"Oi! Get me ketchup chips!" Usopp called out to the two boys as they left. Zoro waved half-assedly and closed the door behind them. Chopper looked back to see the long nosed boy was still sitting on the floor, as if waiting to be dismissed.
"You can get up dumbass. Pretty sure Zoro brought over his game cube so if you wanna plug that into my shit TV, you can play it with Chopper while you wait for dinner." Sanji heard Chopper cry out gleefully and hop off his seat, scurrying over to sit in front of the TV while Usopp set it up. Chopper began to shuffle through the games and giggled happily when he found one he liked particularly.
"You have Ninja Turtles?! That's so awesome!" Sanji smiled. He remembered Zoro picking that one out himself when they were at the blockbuster earlier that day. He'd specifically mentioned how much Chopper loved Ninja Turtles and that the kid would most likely kill him if they didn't buy it. It wasn't like it was a special, limited edition game or anything like that, but Sanji knew the feeling of loving everything to do with certain characters.
Sanji hummed thoughtfully to himself as he tried to figure out what he should make. He didn't have enough of one certain food in the fridge to cook anything. Well, he could probably make pasta, he had plenty of dried noodles. But he'd have to make a sauce and the only thing he could possibly have enough ingredients for was tomato sauce. Making spaghetti with Luffy in the house would just end up a huge mess. Ah fuck it, tonight would have to be pizza.
"Usopp, can you text the endless stomach and ask him what he and the Marimo want on their pizza?" Sanji asked as he yanked his Laptop out of the wall charger so he could look up the number for the nearest pizza place. Usopp nodded and paused the game, causing Chopper to whine and pout.
"Oh shut up, it's not even that good of a game. What do you want on your pizza?" Usopp asked as his thumbs danced across his phone. He set it down for a minute as he waited for a response.
"I want pepperoni!" Chopper chirped happily and picked back up his controller, jumping up and down slightly as he waited for Usopp to un-pause the game. Sanji smiled to himself when he finally found the number of the pizza place nearby, he could probably ask Luffy and Zoro to pick it up on their way home, but their hands will already be too full with the stuff from the corner store. He could send Usopp to get it with Chopper.
"I'll have vegetarian, and make sure there's mushrooms on it." Usopp said as refilled his orange crush. Usopp's phone vibrated and he swiped his finger across the screen to check it. Sanji began to punch the numbers of the pizza place into his phone as he watched Usopp scan the text.
"They say what they wanted?" Sanji asked hesitantly.
"Yeah. Luffy said he wants every kind of meat they have and Zoro said he wants sardines and mushrooms." Sanji nodded as he put the phone to his ear, writing down the order on a scrap of paper with his free hand. He ended up ordering three pizzas. One pizza that was half veggie and half sardine and mushroom, one that was half pepperoni and half ham and pineapple, and a meat lovers, cause god knows that Luffy can put away an entire pizza all on his own. He gave his address and they told him they'd be there as fast as possible.
Sanji heard the game start back up as he started searching his cupboards for the paper plates he'd bought.
"You know, if we were Ninja turtles, Luffy would totally be Mikey." Usopp pointed out as his fingers flailed wildly on his controller.
"You'd probably be Donny." Chopper countered.
"What! No way, I'd totally be Leo! I am the great leader Usopp after all!"
"But you're so smart and you're always inventing things!" Sanji chuckled to himself as he listened to their conversation. He finally found the paper plates and threw them on the counter so he could unwrap the plastic.
"Well… I guess you're right! I am the smartest one out of all of us after all!" Usopp boasted.
"Hmmm… But then who would be Raph?" Chopper asked, his eyes still glued to the screen.
"Obviously Sanji. He's always angry at us for something and Raph always hits Mikey when he's being a dumbass, just like Sanji with Luffy. That and Raph is always challenging Leo's leadership skills so they're always butting heads. Leo of course would have to be Zoro then."
"OI! You asshole, I will rip all of that curly fucking hair right outta your head! Besides, there's no way Zoro could be Leo, he'd always get us lost."
"See?! This is why you're Raph!" Usopp barked back in response, leaning around the TV to look at Sanji briefly before returning to the game. Meanwhile, Chopper was giggling madly as he attempted to continue playing.
"Okay, if Zoro can't be Leo, who is?" Chopper managed out as his fit ended.
"I think you would make a fantastic Leo Chopper." Sanji smiled over his shoulder and watched as Choppers face lit up like a damn Christmas tree. His eyes shone and a grin spread across his face as he tilted his head from side to side in an obvious attempt to brush off the comment.
"Oh Sanji you bastard~! It's not like saying that makes me happy or anything so just shut up~!"
"Well, then I guess Nami would be April and Zoro would be… Hmmm." Usopp seemed to be thinking deeply about who Zoro would be in this alternate universe where they were actually the turtles that had been irradiated and trained by a rat to be ninjas.
Sanji heard the front door open and turned to see Zoro and Luffy walking in with arms filled with junk food and water dripping from their hair. Luffy had two plastic bags in each hand while Zoro was carrying two bottles of pop and a third bag. The boys toed off their boots and plopped the food on the floor next to Usopp and Chopper. They then returned to the front door to remove the rest of their outdoor clothing and Zoro shook his head as he tried to get some of the rain out of his hair. Luffy took off his thickly rimmed glasses and whipped them off with a cloth he had in one of his pockets.
"Yo! Zoro, did you get my chips?" Usopp asked as he reached for the bags next to him. Zoro scooped up the bags and plopped them on the couch, placing them just out of Usopp's reach. Usopp frowned and Zoro reached into one of the bags, tossing a snack size pack of ketchup chips to the long nosed boy.
"Yeah, we got your chips! Shishishishishi!" Usopp glared at the green-haired bastard and threw the chips back at him. Zoro ducked just before they hit him in the face and laughed.
"Told you, he always makes the funniest face when you fuck with him." Zoro said as he plopped down on the couch. "Oi! Cook! I got your shitty snacks now feed me!"
"Fuck off you caveman. You already know I ordered pizza and if you keep complaining, you're going to be paying for it!" Zoro growled and picked up another game controller so he could join Usopp and Chopper in the TMNT game. Usopp attempted to pick back up their previously dropped conversation as Luffy took the fourth controller and sat down cross-legged on the couch next to Zoro.
"So, Zoro, who do you think we would be if we were ninja turtles?" Zoro gave Usopp a quizzical look but hummed thoughtfully.
"Well Luffy would be Leo, since he's always been the leader…"
"Yeah! And Zoro would be Raph since he's my left hand man!" Luffy mumbled through his mouthful of chips. "That and he's always angry about something." Zoro scowled and slapped Luffy in the back of his head, his character on screen spazzing out as he slammed on his controller.
"It's right hand man you moron. And it's funny you should say that since I was just saying that Sanji would be Raph since he's always mad." Sanji kicked at the back of Usopp's head, laughing as the long nose's character made a series of spastic movements similar to Luffy's.
"Well, we can't have two Raph's, one of you will have to be Splinter or something." Chopper said as he twisted his body as if to make the turtle on screen turn in the same way or kick just a little bit higher.
"Fine, I'll be Splinter and Nami will be Shredder." Zoro slurped loudly at his drink while the other three burst out into laughter. Sanji, on the other hand, wasn't so pleased.
"YOU ASSHOLE! DON'T YOU INSULT MY BEAUTIFUL SWAN! She would obviously be April O'Neil! The beautiful and intelligent reporter." Zoro snorted and Sanji's frown deepened as he slammed his elbow into Zoro's gut. Zoro slapped his hand over his mouth to keep from spitting up all of his soda and groaned painfully after he finished swallowing down the fizzy liquid. Zoro looked like he was about to scream when he was suddenly interrupted.
-We gonna rock down to electric avenue! And then we'll take it higher! Ho! We gonna-
"Oh shit, that's mine." Luffy pulled his phone out of his pocket and dragged his thumb across the screen, accepting the call and placing the phone to his ear. "Oh hi Nami! Shishishi! We were just talking about you! Who do you think you would be, April or the Shredder? … Why? Cause Zoro says you're the Shredder and Sanji says you're April and I can't decide which is funnier."
Sanji slapped the palm of his hand to his forehead as the conversation continued. He picked up Luffy's controller, taking over his profile to keep the game going. Zoro was playing as Raph, Chopper as Mikey, and Usopp as Donny, leaving Sanji with Leo, which used to be Luffy's character.
"No, I didn't say you were the bad guy! Shredder is badass! If he weren't the bad guy, you would definitely be him, that's why it's so hard for me to decide right now… well I'm Leo, Usopp is Donny, Sanji is Raph, Chopper is Mikey and Zoro is Splinter."
"Dude, now that I think about it, it kinda makes sense for you to be Mikey." Usopp said as he looked over at Chopper. "I mean, if we look at it personality wise, Luffy is more like Mikey while Sanji and Zoro are tied for Raph. I'm Donny but you don't really match any of the characters personalities. But in terms of position, Luffy is obviously Leo. Sanji and Zoro would still kinda be tied for Raph-"
"And you're still Donny since you're such a fucking dork."
"Thanks for your input Sanji." Usopp glared at the blond before returning back to his screen. "Anyway, Mikey's like the little brother of the group, just like you Chopper. Nami would totally be April if we looked at it in terms of position but personality wise-"
"Watch your mouth Long-nose, I can still kick your ass from where I'm sitting." Usopp scowled again at Sanji.
"Can we just not talk about this anymore? Being the ninja turtles just doesn't work with us since we're so different from them." Zoro interrupted as he mashed at the buttons on his controller. Sanji looked over at Luffy, who was exiting the room and locking himself in Sanji's bathroom, phone still held up to his ear and free hand scratching the back of his neck.
Sanji furrowed his brows as he watched the boy leave, giving the rest of the group a similar look. Zoro shrugged while Usopp and Chopper continued to star at the screen, completely engrossed in their game. Sanji was surprised they hadn't gotten board of it yet. It was just a Mortal Combat style fighter game except they were in a sewer and they were turtles. Every once in a while, Mikey would yell "Kowabunga Dude!" or Raph would yell something that sounded like a damned war cry.
"Do you guys wanna switch to a different game yet? I have more we could try, we don't have to play Ninja Turtles all fucking night. Or we could watch a movie?" Nobody said anything for a while, still staring blankly at the screen and Sanji attempted again. "A Ninja Turtles movie?"
"YES!" Chopper cried out as he jumped from his spot and dropped his controller on the ground. Sanji sighed in relief as Usopp and Zoro agreed with the child and Sanji was finally able to shut off the stupid game. Zoro was unhooking the game system from the TV so he could replace it with the DVD machine while Usopp and Chopper pulled all of their sleepover gear from the corner of the room to begin spreading it all out. Zoro pushed the coffee table out of the way while Usopp made a thick layer of blankets just wide enough so they wouldn't have to be too close to each other while they were sleeping but they could still all watch the movie. One of them would probably end up on the couch anyway so there was still plenty of room. Sanji heard the bathroom door open and shut and turned to see Luffy.
"Oi, what was that about Luffy?" Zoro asked as he popped the DVD into the player under the TV. Luffy grinned broadly at him as he strolled into the kitchen.
"Nami just got me a job! Shishishishi!"