Chapter 10

Elliot, I'm a widow.

The words were barely more than a whisper, but still he heard them. He heard them, but he had no idea how to process the impact behind them. And suddenly he wished the floor would just open up and swallow him whole. Because he saw her. He saw the uncertainty in her eyes, the tears she was desperate to mask, and the almost imperceptible shift in her breathing as she waited for his response. And he had no idea how to handle that.

He had no idea what to say to her, had no idea which emotions were appropriate to display. Empathy—Olivia Benson would kick his ass for showing empathy right now. Acceptance—she'd challenge it in a second. Anger—goddamn her for making him respond in that way. The sheer responsibility resting on his shoulders frightened him in a way that made him hesitate.

It was just long enough.

The heart-wrenching look on her face solidified into the one thing he knew he'd never forget. Her eyes pierced through to his soul with a pain he had never felt before. And he wanted to take it all away. He wanted to tell her that everything was going to be okay, but he knew he never could. There was no way to take away that kind of pain.

There was no way to take back a truth that he knew she needed to keep hidden. Because suddenly he saw it—saw that the words she had just let slip were only a small portion of a secret that was now consuming her with guilt. A guilt that blended with new emotions—a guilt that began with a hidden marriage and ended with Lowell Harris. It was an all-consuming guilt, one that could only be possessed by Olivia Benson. Because it was the one thing that had always tied them together. It was the one thing that he understood without question, the one thing that somehow enabled her to understand him without ever saying a word, understand him in a way that Kathy had always needed to.

It was that unspoken sense of responsibility, the instinctual need to protect others around them. It was the only thing that propelled them through every day. And it was the only way they could ever move past a case. It was also the one thing they both knew would tear them apart in the end. Because with that sense of responsibility to protect came the burden when one failed. And every failure became a part of them. Every failure became a little piece that they carried around with them, a piece of guilt that never seemed to dissipate. A piece of guilt that words could never take away. And yet, he knew he had to try.

"Tell me what happened." When he spoke, his voice was raw with emotion.

And just like he knew she would, she vanished. She turned around and walked away. And he understood. He understood that somehow, sometime, somewhere, she was blaming herself for her inability to save a man whose name he didn't even know. And the guilt of that knowledge was pulling her apart piece by piece.

Because she blamed herself for everything that had happened.

And everything that followed. Including a story that he knew was waiting for him downstairs. A story that he had seen reflected in her eyes. Because in the midst of everything else, Olivia Benson had finally learned who number six was—and once again, she'd felt that failure at not having been able to protect.

He knew he couldn't take away that failure. He knew he couldn't take away that guilt. But he was not about to let that stop him from doing the one thing he did have control over. Elliot turned toward the door to get a report from Cragen. The man who had hurt Hannah Leawood was going to wish he'd never touched her. And Elliot was going to make sure he ended up behind bars even if he had to drag him there himself.

"Olivia, what are you doing here?" Huang snapped on the light next to his desk and turned back around to face her.

Olivia took a seat in the chair sitting across from his desk and folded her hands in her lap. "Hiding from my therapist," she answered matter-of-factly.

He raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

She studied her hands. "Hear me out," she responded simply. "I am not about to let some therapist throw me in the nut house just because I started carrying a gun again."

Huang nodded slowly. "Does your therapist think you're a danger to yourself or others?" he asked tentatively.

Olivia shot him a glare. "Do you really think I'm going to answer that?"

His lips curved upward in a small smile. "Okay," he agreed quietly. "Then why don't you tell me why you're here, Olivia?"

She closed her eyes. "Where exactly do you want me to start, Doc? Because there's a lot to tell."

"How about Sealview," he probed gently.

Olivia's eyes shot open. She studied the expression on his face carefully. "You know George, what happened at Sealview isn't your fault either," she managed quietly.

His eyes widened in surprise. "Are you shrinking me now?"

"No," she sighed. "Just clearing things up before we get started."

"What do you mean he's not at work?"

Fin hesitated. He glanced back at Munch before turning back to his captain. "I mean he disappeared after we pulled Hannah out of there and hasn't been seen or heard from since."

Cragen rolled his eyes. "Well, has anyone checked his home yet?"

"Elliot's on his way there now," Munch added. He hesitated. "Captain, there's something else. I ran Pasha's name through the system and got a match. He was brought in for questioning a couple of months ago when one of his other students confided in another teacher that he'd been forcing himself on her."

Cragen sighed. "Oh, this is great. What the hell is this guy doing still teaching?"

"Same old, same old," Fin answered. "The girl dropped the charges. She said she made the whole thing up, and the school believed her. They tried to keep it quiet so the rest of the parents wouldn't find out."

"And the school let him continue to teach there?" Cragen shot back incredulously. He reached for the file in Munch's hand. "Why don't I remember any of this? It should have been our case."

"It would have been our case," Munch agreed. He handed the file over. "Had it happened at Hudson."

"Yeah," Fin added. "But it didn't. It was some private dance school out in Brooklyn."

Cragen studied the file carefully. "She was fifteen years old," he managed grimly.

Munch nodded. He turned back toward Cragen. "Apparently she went through with the exam at the hospital, but afterwards she changed her mind and claimed nothing happened. According to the report, the physical evidence was a little shaky to begin with. When she recanted, they didn't have much else to go on."

Cragen raised his eyes up from the file in his hand. "Munch, go pull the report from her rape kit. Find out what was in it, and then use that to try to get her to talk." Cragen hesitated. "Fin, go meet Elliot at Pasha's just in case there's trouble. He's out for blood so for God's sake, do not let him out of your sight on this one. The last thing that we need is a brutality complaint when we finally get this guy."

"Melinda, can I get your advice on something?"

Melinda glanced up from her computer. She absent-mindedly pecked away at a couple of keys before finally turning her full attention to the source of the voice. "Sure John, what's up?"

Munch slid a report across the desk to her. "Tell me what you make of this."

She scanned the paperwork in her hand. When she finished reading, she laid it down gently. "What do you want to know?"

"The kit was done on a fifteen year old girl. She claims she had never had intercourse before her assault."

Melinda nodded. "Okay, so what's the problem?"

"The lab report shows a torn hymen," Munch added.

"Yes," she began slowly. "That doesn't necessarily prove intercourse took place." She sighed. "The report also says she was a dancer."

Munch furrowed his brow. "Why would that matter?"

"Because dancers rarely have an intact hymen. Tears or stretching out of the hymen are very common with dancers and gymnasts. The only way to prove that intercourse actually took place would be the presence of prostatic acid phosphatase or spermicide."

"Neither of which were present," Munch added. He sighed. "Have you got anything else?"

Melinda skimmed over the report again. "Sorry, John. I wish I could help, but there's nothing here that's going to help you get the guy." She handed him back the file. "If you get anything else, let me know."

"I don't know how to help him deal with it."

Huang shifted slightly in his seat. "You mean Elliot?" He watched her nod in response, and he hesitated. "Olivia, Elliot will be fine. He just needs time to process what's happened."

Olivia turned away from Huang's steady gaze and stared out the window. "No, you don't understand. It's not just that I didn't tell him about Sealview. It's that I didn't tell him about…" Olivia's voice broke, and she threw her head back in the chair. She rolled her eyes up to stare at the ceiling and took a deep breath as she tried to pull herself together.

"You didn't tell him about what, Olivia?" Huang's voice was gentle, coaxing her to continue.

"It's that I didn't tell him about my marriage."

For a brief moment, he thought he had misheard her. His head shot up in surprise. And then his instincts kicked in, and he forced a blank look on his face. "I didn't realize you had ever been married."

Olivia sighed. "No one did," she admitted reluctantly. "I don't like to talk about it."

"So why are you bringing it up now?" Huang searched her face for answers, for any clue as to why she would have chosen to hide the truth from all of them.

"Because my niece needs my help. One of her teachers took advantage of her." Olivia swallowed the knot in her throat. "He raped her, George." She let her eyes flutter shut. "He raped her over and over again."

"Olivia." George's voice was suddenly soft. "Why did you come here?"

Olivia didn't answer. She stared back at him silently before she finally spoke. "I don't know. All I know is that he'll never hurt anyone else again."

Fin slammed the car door shut, glancing across the street at the brownstone in front of him. He double-checked the address on the slip of paper in his hand and briefly made note of the fact that Elliot's car was parked across the street. He sauntered up the sidewalk and took the first couple of steps before he noticed the door that was propped open just a couple of inches. There was an eerie quiet within. He hesitated for only a brief moment before grabbing his radio from his belt.

"SVU portable to central."

"Go ahead SVU portable," came back the clipped response.

"This is Odafin Tutuola, badge number 43198. I need back-up at 411 West 46th Street," he responded quietly.
As soon as he heard confirmation that his message had gone through, Fin flipped the radio to silent and drew his Glock. He pushed the door open quickly and stepped through the entryway, his body alert for the slightest hint of movement.

The main foyer was empty, but he was quick to notice the overturned bench just inside the door. Shooting a quick look over his shoulder, Fin cautiously turned toward the living room area.

And that was when he saw it.

Fin dropped his gun to his side and felt his shoulders fall forward in defeat. He swallowed hard. "Elliot, what happened?"

Elliot turned around at the sound of the familiar voice. "He's dead." His voice was hollow, empty.

Fin nodded. "Yeah, I can see that. What happened?" He pulled Elliot's gun from his hand gently.

Elliot raised his eyes to look at him, startled at his response. "I don't know, Fin." He shook his head. "I don't know."

Olivia, tell me about your marriage."

Olivia averted her eyes away from Huang and searched for something, anything else to look at. "I told you I don't like to talk about it."

Huang nodded. "I know, but Olivia I can't help you unless you talk to me. What happened?" he probed gently.

She stared out the window, her eyes distant. And for a long moment, he didn't think she had heard him. When she spoke her voice was quiet. "There was an accident," she finally admitted. She raised her eyes to meet his again. They were damp with tears. "Can we please not talk about that right now?" she begged.

"Okay." Huang took a deep breath. "How old were you, Olivia?"

"Young."

"How young?" he probed gently.

"Really young." She took a deep breath. "I was sixteen. He was one of my mother's students. I was in her office waiting for her to get out of class when he stopped by to get some help on a paper."

Huang sat back in his chair and let the words sink in slowly. "Olivia, a minor can't legally enter into a marriage without parental consent. What did your mother say?"

"My mother tried to kick him out of college," Olivia responded. She sighed. "Trust me she wasn't consenting to anything."

"Then how did you…"

"There are ways around it." The first tear slowly slid down her cheek before she turned away from him.

And that's when it hit him. She was right. There were other ways. And suddenly he understood the loss that had kept her quiet all these years, the heartache she must have felt. He closed his eyes. "Olivia, I…"

"Please, don't. Don't say you're sorry, George." Olivia's eyes were pleading. "It doesn't change anything, and I can't listen to it again."

"Have you ever told anybody?"

Olivia shook her head miserably. "I told Casey I was engaged once when we were working a case, but I…I couldn't tell her the rest of the story." She turned to face him. "George, until now, I've never told anyone the truth. Not even my own mother."