The next morning, Doctor Patchingo, Seedos, Eddie, Sparcticus, Bart, and Yoto were all loitering in front of Arfur's Inn, waiting for Dastardos to arrive. Patch was holding a little tied bag in his hands and beaming like a fool.
"Whatcha got there, Doc?" Yoto scampered to Patch's side and eyeballed what he was holding.
"It's for Dastardos," Patch stated as he held it away from the nosy tinker-in-training.
"Wait, what?" Yoto jumped backwards, his eyes wide. Eddie and Seedos mirrored Yoto's expression and goggled at Patch.
Patch looked down at the bag, rather than face three pairs of questioning eyeballs. "H-h-he helped me with Alejandro yesterday," He fiddled with the bow, "And we've called a truce."
"Hot damn!" Yoto said as he crossed his skinny arms, "Miracles do happen in this village!"
"I actually got some work done yesterday, too," said Bart as he cracked his knuckles, "I asked everyone who called me out that afternoon about Alejandro!"
"Yes, and you did tell me the delicious tidbit that he absolutely freaks if you pull a camera out on him," Eddie tapped his rainbow clipboard with his palm. "I feel like we certainly could use that!"
"He's a vegetarian," Sparcticus grumbled, and when Eddie turned to look at him, his eyes narrowed to icy slits. "Sahari told me over Alert last night."
"And I've learned that he only raises the most expensive piñata," said Eddie, flipping through the stack of papers on his clipboard that had grown at an alarming rate for a single day, "I'm sure our resident piñata smasher can help with that."
"You talking about me?" Dastardos seemingly popped out of nowhere and glided up next to Eddie. Eddie jumped and edged away, but he bit his lip and nodded.
"Sorry, pal, I only kill sick ones, killing healthy ones is a bit too cruel for my liking, even if I do hate this guy…" Dastardos shrugged and Eddie sighed with disappointment.
Seedos quietly lit up. Perhaps his brother did have some good in him after all!
"I can ask Pester to help us out, though," Dastardos smirked.
Seedos sighed softly. He knew it was too good to be true.
"Oh, no, I refuse to be in the same organization as that bloated buffoon!" Bart folded his arms and pointedly looked away.
"Relax, Bart, I wouldn't ask him to join us," Dastardos grimaced at the very idea of spending more time with his boss. "I just know for a fact that he can't resist smashing up rich people's piñatas!"
"It's true…" Eddie sighed. He had to pay Pester quite a bit of money these past few weeks just to keep him away from his prized Fourheads.
"Hmph, as long as I don't have to speak with him…" Bart sneered and waved Dastardos away. Dastardos was surprisingly sane, but Bart had suffered through enough P-Factor rounds with Pester to know very well that the Professor was hiding behind the door when they were handing out sanity.
"Fair enough…" Dastardos felt Patch's eyes on him and turned in his direction. Patch was beaming like a Fudgehog in a garden overrun with thistles. Dastardos couldn't help drifting backwards a few paces, "…why are you looking at me like that?"
"I-I-I made you these!" Patch scurried over to Dastardos and offered him the bag he was holding. "T-t-to celebrate our truce…"
Seedos and Yoto both leaned forward with interest. What on Earth could have happened that would make Patch willing to make Dastardos something? Patch was pretty much the kindest person in the Village, but if someone so much as mentioned Dastardos' name Patch would shout his hatred from the rooftops.
Dastardos cocked a brow as he opened the bag and chuckled in disbelief at its contents. "Cookies. Really? You made me cookies?"
"You made HIM cookies?" Seedos squinted at Patch and Patch turned bright red.
"W-w-well, I wanted to do s-something…" Patch rocked back and forth on his feet. "I never expected us to make up, so…"
"I don't eat, you moron," The nose of Dastardos' mask wrinkled.
"You don't eat?" Yoto's hands flew to his mouth and his eyes bugged out. "I'm so sorry…!"
"O-oh! You don't? Then how-!" Patch was about to pelt Dastardos with questions but he was interrupted by more of the reaper's criticisms.
"Not to mention these are horribly burned. Are you trying to poison me?" He plucked a blackened cookie out of the bag and gave it a very scrutinizing look. "These are practically charcoal!"
"N-n-n-no! I just-" Patch protested. Dastardos tossed the cookie over to a nearby Sparrowmint. The Sparrowmint promptly pecked it up, coughed, and then fell over ill. Dastardos put his free hand on his hip and looked at Patch accusingly.
"I-I never really was a g-g-great cook…" Patch sniffled and hung his head.
"I'll be the judge of that!" Yoto swiped the cookies from Dastardos' hand and ate one before anyone could say anything. "These aren't bad! I don't know what the hell's wrong with that Sparrowmint…" he said around the cookie, crumbs tumbling down his chin.
"T-those weren't for-oh, forget it…" Patch sighed and reached under his helmet to rub his temples.
Yoto couldn't hold in his energy any longer. "So," He sprayed crumbs everywhere, "Now that the creepy guy's here, I feel like now is the perfect time to get you guys' opinion on my poem!" He said with the biggest grin on his face a sane person should have.
"Oh, not this again," said Bart as he buried his mask in his hands. He had listened to Yoto muse on this aloud for hours the night before, and had quite enough of listening to all the different little ways Yoto had devised to describe Storkos' face. "Yoto, I've told you before that this should under no circumstances be recited to anyone, let alone a lady that you want to bed!"
Yoto pointedly ignored his uncle. "Ahem," Yoto cleared his throat as he proudly unrolled a grubby little scrap of paper he had been keeping in his back pocket. He flipped it out with a flourish and ran through the words in his head before launching into:
"Oh, Storkos, you fly so fast and far
You help all the piñata
And you don't even own a car!
You're the most beautiful girl
Here on this Island
You make my head spin and whirl!
I want to go out on a date
Ditch that jerk Alejandro
And give me a kiss before it's too late!"
Yoto stopped and looked up at all the guys for approval, his manic grin still lingering on his face.
Bart groaned a little and hunched over even further. Why was he cursed with a nephew with little to no literary talent?
A stunned silence fell over the men. Yoto took that for a compliment and smiled confidently.
Seedos broke the silence with: "Yoto, if you read even one line of that to my poor sister, I am going to kick your butt."
"PFFFT, what are you going to do? Seed me to death?" Yoto mocked. He never took Seedos' opinions too seriously. Seedos was a recluse who barely understood the differences between men and women, what the hell would he know about love poems?
"Try me," Seedos opened the top of his bad seed pouch so Yoto could see the contents. Seedos had an excess of prickly pear and thistle seeds that morning. Yoto swallowed loudly when he saw them.
He shook his head to regain his senses and glared at Seedos. "Well, you don't know the first thing about good literary…stuff, so I'm not trusting your opinion!" Yoto turned up his nose at Seedos.
Seedos let out a tiny growl as he closed his pouch with a sharp tug.
"Yoto…" Eddie wrinkled his nose. "I could write several essays on why that poem was abysmal, but we have more important things to talk about than your complete inability to use the English language gracefully!" The other guys nodded in agreement and scowled at Yoto.
"All of you are jerks," Yoto sniffled and stuck the poem back into his pocket. "I'll show all of you! I'll revise this and it'll be amazing and Storkos will fall for me for sure!"
Eddie shook his head and walked into Arfur's without a word.
"Just keep telling yourself that, kiddo," Dastardos snorted and patted Yoto on the arm as he floated by.
Yoto pouted pointedly as the other guys passed right by him and headed into Arfur's. Patch stopped next to Yoto and gently patted his shoulder.
"D-d-don't worry, Yoto, there are plenty of other ways to impress a g-g-girl besides poetry…" Patch reassured.
"I bet Alejandro's poem sucked worse than mine…" Yoto's pout entered territory that no pout had ever gone before as he stomped into Arfur's Inn.
"So, now that we're all here," said Eddie, while everyone shuffled and sat down in their usual spots. Patch didn't scoot all the way over in his chair when Dastardos chose to perch next to him… somehow that made Eddie proud. They all were putting away their differences and uniting together to fight this cause! "I think we have more than enough information gathered in the past day to finally come up with a perfect plan to scare this man away for good!"
Sparcticus fished something from his pocket, and placed an apple in front of him. "We could stop wasting time and give him this," Sparcticus crossed his large forearms.
This was no ordinary apple. Instead of the usual large and bright apples that Sparcticus carried around, this one was a bit shriveled. A dangerous pattern wrapped its way around the apple, and it smelled sour.
"HA!" laughed Dastardos a bit too loudly, "you're still carrying that thing around with you!"
Sparcticus gave a glare so keen that Dastardos shut up and sat up straighter.
"I still think that's a bit too harsh, Sparcticus…" said Eddie as he chewed the end of his pen, "I don't want to kill anyone."
"Speak for yourself," said Sparcticus.
"S-S-Sparcticus, if you w-w-want to know a less p-p-permanent way to h-h-hurt him…" Patch stopped speaking and looked over at Dastardos when he turned slightly transparent and ducked under the table. He followed the reaper's wide-eyed glance and followed suit.
Soon the entire Man's Army meeting was hiding under the table that was obviously too small for the entire congregation. Poor Sparcticus sighed in exasperation as his large form was crushed against a wall, Eddie practically seated in his lap.
Seedos accidentally backed into Dastardos, who sneered "Watch it, four eyes," before floating right through him to a spot with more room.
Seedos hugged his knees, his teeth chattering. Dastardos floating through you feels something akin to plunging your entire body into ice cold water. Yoto shushed him and pricked up his ears to eavesdrop.
"Avalon, you're up bright and early!" said Arfur as he reached up behind him and grabbed her a glass.
Her boots clicked along the floor as she made her way across to the bar, "Sadly," She said as she leaned over the bar with a sigh, her dark hair pouring over her face.
She was dressed up this chilly morning. Avalon had on a dark orange frock coat, with giant cuffs and trimmings in various shades of brown. Her giant gardening boots had been traded in with a more delicate pair, and her hair was done up in a big ponytail. A green scarf with sharp patterns completed the ensemble.
Dastardos gave a soft, low whistle. "Wonder what she's all dressed up about…"
"I've never seen Avalon wear so many colors before…" Eddie stroked his chin. "I would assume that this outfit is to catch Alejandro's eye…"
"Oh, of course it is…" Dastardos seethed. He should have known.
"Tell old Arfur about it," He said as he started pouring various things into the glass.
"Ah, something caffeinated, please, Arfur," said Avalon before she sighed again and stood back up. "It's Alejandro."
"I've heard a lot about that man recently."
"There's a lot to be said," said Avalon as she shoved her hands in her pockets, "We're going on a makeup date in an hour and I'm still not sure 'ow I feel about it."
"Go on," said Arfur, still concocting Avalon's drink. "I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'makeup date'… was there something to ruin the first one?"
Eddie realized that Arfur just might be on their side! He was milking Avalon for answers when they were hiding not 20 feet away! He quickly grabbed the pen from his clipboard and began frantically scribbling down notes, using the back of Yoto's head as a desk.
"Well, our first date was interrupted by something unusual: an entire pack of Mallowolves went after him and I escaped without a scratch!" Avalon gestured to herself, "I 'ad to drag 'im to Patch's to keep 'im from bleeding to death!"
"Ooh, that's unlucky," said Arfur.
"It was a cowardly move," hissed Avalon as she looked down her nose at the bartender.
"…'cowardly?'" Patch whispered, his lips barely moving. "You don't think she…?" he glanced at Dastardos.
"No," Dastardos shook his head. "She couldn't know it was me…" his tone betrayed his stubborn expression. "Besides, I couldn't exactly go in there swinging, there's nothing cowardly about sending the Sours to do my dirty work…" He cracked his knuckles. "It's just more convenient."
"That's one word for it…" Seedos grumbled and was pacified by a glare from Dastardos.
"That's certainly nice of him, wanting to continue things even though there was an obstacle," said Arfur as he handed the mug of hot drink over at Avalon.
"I thought so," She took a drink and couldn't help a rare grin from creeping over her face, "Oh man, Arfur, this is EXACTLY wot I needed."
"I always get my drinks right. But it sounds like you have your doubts, though," said Arfur, happy that Avalon was happy with her drink. She took another sip and Arfur motioned for her to keep going.
"Yes, 'e's nice but… well, I'm racing this afternoon and… 'e can't make it."
"Can't make your race?" Arfur's eyes grew as wide as his mask would let them. "I hope he has a good reason for that!"
"… 'E's taking Gretchen on a date right afterwards," She said before taking a long pull on her drink. "Says it's more important than seeing a dumb race."
"What an idiot!" boomed Arfur, "He doesn't want to see you race? That's like not wanting to see Jardiniero's garden back in the day!"
Avalon's expression grew more morose and she swirled the drink around in her mug, "Yeah, I know. I just… really wanted 'im to be there, yew know?"
"Why not ask one of the other village guys to come along?" Arfur said, leaning over the counter, "I bet any one of them would be pleased as punch to do so!"
Avalon laughed a little too loudly, "Are yew kidding?" She tried her best not to choke on her drink, "None of them 'ave any interest in me!"
"How can you be so sure?" said Arfur, leaning in even closer.
"Arfur," said Avalon, giving him a dead look, "I've been on the market for MONTHS and I 'aven't gotten a single good word from any of them. I find it 'ighly suspicious that someone would care now that they 'ave competition."
Bart had put his hat over his face to prevent any shouts of anger from slipping out as soon as he heard Gretchen's name.
"This is…good…!" Dastardos smiled. "Glad that douche is leaving Avalon alone."
"M-me too, but now we have another problem…" Patch looked over at Bart with concern.
"Uncle Bart, you okay?" Yoto jostled his uncle's shoulder and Bart shook his head, his grip on his hat tightening. "I think he's mad, you guys…" he whispered to everyone else.
"Don't worry, Bart, we'll make sure he doesn't lay a finger on Gretchen," Eddie reassured. Bart shifted his hat to give Eddie an aside glance. Eddie frowned when he saw Bart's expression; he could tell that he really didn't believe him.
"Maybe this is the incentive they needed?" Arfur offered, but Avalon cut him off before he could say anything else.
"That's a shitty excuse for finally being interested," Avalon sneered, sticking her hip out and planting a hand on it, "Yew know 'ow 'appy Gretchen is? She 'asn't been on a date in nearly a whole year."
"What, her?" Arfur said, reaching for a glass to clean, he needed something to distract him from this intense grilling. "That's news to me! I thought her schedule would be filled with hot dates!"
"She told me she suspects most people are intimidated by 'er, lord knows I understand 'er problem all too well," Avalon shook her head and placed a gloved hand to her chest.
"Ooh, Uncle Bart, you aren't the only one!" Yoto exclaimed as quietly as he could as he elbowed his uncle in the ribs.
"An entire year?" Bart finally came out from behind his hat, his eyes wide with disbelief. "Gretchen is very well-known! She was Miss Piñata Island twice and has been in more magazines than I can count…I figured she would have men knocking down her door!"
"Apparently not…" Seedos bit his nails. He was among the many, many men who found Gretchen inexplicably intimidating. He had a feeling Gretchen could toss him across the street further than he could spit.
"M-m-maybe you have a chance, B-B-Bart!" Patch encouraged, grinning at the tinker.
"Heh," Bart snorted. "Gretchen choosing a Transmorgrifiable Item Technician who's old enough to be her father over a famous actor…that's a laugh."
Patch's grin disappeared as quickly as it had come.
"Maybe the guys in this village aren't as savvy as you ladies think they are?" Arfur offered.
"It's their loss," said Avalon as she tossed her head back and downed the last of her drink. "And, to be quite frank, it's far too late for them to step up their game," She handed her mug back to Arfur. He immediately started to clean it with his nervous hands.
"Now, Avalon," Arfur said, keeping his attention on his mug and not Avalon's fierce eyes. "I don't think you're giving the men of this village enough credit! I mean, we have some very talented men living here! Bart's a very accomplished Tinker, Doc Patchingo's extremely good at what he does…"
"I'll cut Patch some slack because one, I like 'im and two, 'e's busy enough for three people," Avalon said as she fished around in her pockets, "But I 'ave no respect for boys 'oo sit around on their butts all day and expect things to be 'anded to them," She handed Arfur a Chocolate Coin that was obviously much more than her drink cost.
"Uh, let me break this for you," Arfur said as he groped around under the counter for small change.
"No, keep it," Avalon held her hands up, "And you're also free to tell that information to the rumor mill, by the way. Maybe it'll get some guys busy doing things they should be doing."
Arfur held his hand out to Avalon, and dropped the Chocolate Coin back in hers. "Since you're racing this afternoon, put this money on you. Shows at least I have faith in you. But don't you disappoint old Arfur, you hear me?"
Avalon gave Arfur a two-fingered salute before she spun on her heel and left the Inn.
"And that, boys," Arfur said a little louder, "Is how you get your information."
"Avalon's such a bitch!" Dastardos exclaimed as he flew up from under the table.
"Dastardos…" Eddie looked at him accusingly as he straightened his tie. He walked right up to the bar and gave Arfur his best grin. "We really appreciate you helping us out, Mr. Stout! I got so much information from that conversation!" Eddie practically squealed as he riffled through the papers on his clipboard.
"No need to thank me!" Arfur winked at Eddie. "I just think you boys deserve the girls a lot more than some show-off actor does."
"I'm glad someone thinks so…" Bart folded his arms as he thought of Avalon's speech to Arfur.
"Avalon does have a bit of a point, though…" Arfur mused. "Why haven't you fellows made moves on any ladies yet?"
"W-w-w-well, I…" Seedos stuttered worse than Doctor Patchingo and his gaze fell to the floor. He fiddled with his pouch and suddenly went very quiet.
"I'm married to my job," Dastardos grinned so wide Arfur expected his mask to crack.
Bart barely resisted making a comment about how he didn't want Dastardos to breed.
"I-I-I'm too b-b-busy to t-talk to too many girls outside of b-b-business…" Patch spluttered, his cheeks pink.
"Storkos is busier than you, Patch!" Yoto frowned and attempted to run a hand through his messy hair. "I actually get nervous around her too, can you believe it? Me? Nervous?" Yoto laughed as if he made the most hilarious observation on the planet.
Bart shook his head at his nephew before turning his attention to Arfur. "I was excellent with women back in my prime, but something about Gretchen makes my knees knock…" He huffed. "No woman ever had that effect on me before…"
"I have to be subtle with my advances towards Maxime…" Eddie sighed her name. "If I try anything flowery, she gets angry with me!"
"I love Sahari, Arfur," Sparcticus finally found his voice for the first time in a while. "I love her so much. I don't think she realizes what her talking with Alejandro is doing to me."
"Have you done anything to show her she's been hurting you, Sparcticus?" Arfur asked, crossing his arms and narrowing his already small eyes. "All relationships are founded on communication."
"She's been so scarce these past few days…" Sparcticus sighed. "She's probably following this guy around like a baby Barkbark…"
"I'm pretty sure the whole female population in and around the Village is…" Eddie sighed as well.
"I t-t-think your f-f-feelings are fairly obvious, Sparcticus…" The brow of Doc Patch's monkey helmet furrowed to mimic his expression as he turned to the towering man. "I-I'm surprised she hasn't n-n-noticed…"
"She hasn't been around to notice…!" Sparcticus' hands clenched into fists.
"Sparcticus, I think it's about time you take charge," said Arfur as he hung up the freshly cleaned mug, "You've tried being subtle, but something tells me Miss Sahari isn't the type to pick up on subtleties…" He mused as he remembered the few P-Factor rounds he had shared with her. She never needed a microphone, especially when Sparcticus was the object of her judging…
"Hmm…" Sparcticus mused and suddenly went very quiet. "There's an idea…" The corners of his mouth lifted up into a scheming smile and Eddie quietly edged away from him. Sparcticus was a friend of his, but he'd been acting so strange since Alejandro came to town…Eddie was starting to worry.
"Arfur," Yoto placed his palms on the counter and rocked back and forth. "All of these other guys say that my poem for Storkos sucks every kind of ball imaginable-"
"None of us said it like that!" Eddie protested.
"I sure was thinking it…" Dastardos scoffed.
Yoto ignored them and resumed talking to the bartender. "…and they think I shouldn't read it to her. Well, I think I should!" Yoto fished the poem from his pocket and placed it on the counter. "I think she'd appreciate it…I mean, that jerk Alejandro probably didn't even write the poem he recited to her!"
"Alejandro recited poetry to Storkos?" Arfur reached for Yoto's poem but Bart snatched it away before he could take it.
"You don't want to subject your eyes to this, good sir," Bart crumpled up the paper and Yoto opened his mouth to protest. "I don't want any lip from you, boy; you'll thank me one day!" Bart snapped at him and Yoto shut his mouth.
"Let's just get rid of the temptation," Bart said as he waved his hands around the ball of paper a few times. A glowing light surrounded the paper and in a flash, it was a paper crane!
"Woah," Yoto gaped. "Can I-" He reached out to touch it, but the moment his hand got close the crane flapped its wings and became airborne. It flew across the inn and out an open window before Yoto could do anything about it. Yoto's jaw dropped down to the floor and he stared after the crane, a single tear falling from under his mask.
"…I think you should try a different method, Yoto," Arfur offered with a sheepish smile at the tinker-in-training. "I think all of you should at least show some interest in your ladies! Especially you, Bart, now that Alejandro is closing in on Gretchen."
"I can't just approach her!" Bart folded his arms. "I'd need time to mentally prepare myself! Something about Gretchen is just so utterly…stupefying!"
"We can help psyche you up, Uncle Bart!" Yoto bounced, completely forgetting about the poem incident.
"Ha, you freeze if you hear fabric flapping in the breeze!" Bart's gaze swept over the other men. "And the rest of you don't exactly have a good record with women, either!"
"And you do…?" Dastardos challenged.
"Almost got hitched four times!" Bart nodded.
"F-f-f-four?" Patch's eyes widened with surprise.
"I had cold feet every single time," Bart said nonchalantly. "But…that's all behind me now." His expression suddenly became distant. "Not a single one of them could compare to Miss Fetchem, I can tell you that much."
"Let us at least try to help you!" Eddie felt a small tug in his heart when he saw Bart's expression. He didn't want someone like Alejandro to get in the way of Bart's feelings! "Gretchen deserves better than that…that…"
"Bastard?" Dastardos offered.
"Yes, what he said!" Eddie pointed at Dastardos.
Bart was quiet for a minute, carefully observing all these different guys. All united in one cause, and it seemed like every single last one really did want him to do his best. He looked down at his sandaled feet as he realized that this might be his one and only chance to have a shot at Gretchen…
"Fine, you ruffians," said Bart as he crossed his arms and frowned even harder. "You have permission to try and 'psyche me up,' but I am in no way making any promises!"
All of the other members of the Man's Army (minus Sparcticus) burst into enormous smiles. Yoto and Eddie let out a cheer and actually hugged each other in delight.
Bart shook his head. "You are just like a bunch of children…something has to be said for enthusiasm, though."
Yoto and Eddie finally realized what they were doing and broke apart. Eddie made a big show of brushing himself off.
"D-d-don't worry, Bart," Patch brightened like the sun bursting through clouds. "We'll do our b-b-best to help you!"