Chapter 10
The squad room was eerily quiet when Munch strode through the double doorway. His eyes scanned the room, searching for some sign of life. It was just as well. He wasn't ready to face anyone else. Wearily, he collapsed in his chair, tossing his notebook on the desk in front of him. He watched it fall open to a page full of notes he had jotted down, but knew he would never need to consult. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't erase the words from his memory. As if operating on instinct, he reached for the keyboard. As his fingers flew over the keys, he felt each one punctuating the silence, screaming out a reality he wasn't ready to face. No, he corrected himself silently. None of them were ready to face.
He didn't know how long it had been when he finally finished. He was frozen in that moment, willing all time to be suspended until he could finally find some way to make sense of it all. He was desperately seeking to understand what none of them ever could. After another couple of keystrokes, he heard the printer whirring to life. Tentatively, he crossed over and pulled the sixty-one from the printer.
Staring back at the page blurring before his eyes, he hesitated. This couldn't be happening. For a brief moment, he considered balling it up and tossing it in the trash, or better yet, watching as the shredder erased every semblance of its existence. But nothing could erase the reality of what had happened. Nothing could erase the fact that Olivia had become the one thing she had fought like hell to avoid her entire life…a victim.
His footsteps were heavy as he approached the door to Cragen's office. The blinds were drawn, and there was nothing but silence on the other side. Munch knocked lightly and heard a muffled response. His hand paused on the doorknob, and for a brief moment he stopped dead in his tracks. He was torn--torn between a job that demanded he turn over the report in his hands and seek justice for the victim, and the harsh reality that the paperwork in his hand was about to irreparably change their lives forever… for better or worse.
Munch felt the doorknob turning in his hands. There was no going back now. Drawing in a deep breath, he stepped forward into the office. Cragen's desk was empty.
Fin's voice rose out of the darkness. "Captain is in the interrogation room with Tucker."
Munch whirled around at the sound of his partner's voice. He stepped forward, barely recognizing the weariness in Fin's eyes. "Then he's going to want this."
Fin nodded and reached for the file Munch had in his hand. "You got her to talk." His voice was quiet, tired, and filled with something Munch had never heard from him before…complete and utter resignation.
Munch nodded hollowly. "Look, tell the captain…I need a break. I'll be back tomorrow." He turned slowly, retreating into the shadows and slipped out of the door before Fin could respond. Blindly, Munch stumbled through the squad room. He felt as if he were suffocating, felt the distance between each breath becoming increasingly pronounced. His footsteps quickened past Elliot's desk, desperate for an escape. He started to turn toward the hallway to his left, but he was frozen in place. His eyes were riveted on the empty desk in front of him, and for the first time, the tears began to fall.
Olivia scrawled her signature on the paperwork in front of her. She shifted her weight from one foot to the next. She was so close.
"Olivia, are you sure?"
"Sara, I appreciate the concern, but Doctor Pierson has already cleared me to go. I just need to get out of here."
"At least let me call someone to get you," Sara begged helplessly, ignoring the determination in Olivia's eyes.
"Sara, you've done enough for me already. I can take it from here. There's a half dozen cabs circling the hospital. Really, I'll be fine." Olivia's voice was firm.
"Just promise me that you'll call someone when you get there."
Olivia avoided her eyes. "Fine. I'll call someone when I get there," she echoed quietly. Olivia turned quickly and slipped into the awaiting elevator before Sara could say another word.
Her footsteps were brisk and confident as she stepped out of the elevator and turned toward the main exit of the hospital. She was so close to escaping from it all. Only a few more steps and she could leave this place and everything that it represented behind. A few more steps, and she could finally escape the overwhelming concern and pity. A few more steps, and she could have her life back.
Olivia slid into the first cab she saw. Letting her body melt back into the leather upholstery, she closed her eyes and inhaled the scent of the city. Like hell she'd call someone when she got home. She could take care of herself.
"Can I get another one?" Elliot pushed aside the empty glass, ignoring the steady gaze of the man who stood before him."Surveying him carefully, Ray grudgingly slid another drink over in front of Elliot. "Care to talk about it?" he asked gently.
"Nope." Elliot's fingers curved around the tumbler, and he tilted his head back, allowing the rushing liquid to communicate an end to a conversation he wouldn't allow to begin.
Another voice called out from the other end of the bar. "Hey, Ray. Help us out here, huh."
With one final look back at Elliot, Ray reluctantly turned toward the voice. "I'm coming, boys."
As the voices faded to laughter, Elliot realized he was alone again. He stared down into the seemingly endless pool of liquid. How many more would it take before the silence finally won out over everything else? There were no words to describe the reality he was living in now--no words that could possibly communicate the emotions he couldn't even begin to identify. There was only the promise of impending silence, a silence that reminded him of a conversation between those who never needed to speak, but instinctively understood. He wanted that silence. He needed that silence to make sense of it all.
"Are you satisfied?" The words that rolled off of his tongue were dripping with pure contempt, but Cragen didn't care. He crossed the room, stopping only inches from Tucker's face. "You had no reason to suspend him."
Tucker met his defiant glare with a smug smile. "It's a temporary suspension," he emphasized icily. "And we have every reason to suspect Detective Stabler. Just because your unit can't do their job…"
"This unit is perfectly capable of doing their job. But we're not going to trample on the rights of a perfectly innocent detective to do it."
"Excuse me for not being entirely confident in your abilities," Tucker shot back heatedly. "You've been on this case since early Sunday morning and don't have a single lead yet. At least the evidence I have is tangible."
"That evidence," Cragen spat out emphatically, "could have been planted there by whoever brought Olivia to his apartment."
"Oh, I have no doubt it was," Tucker sneered. "But you're assuming that person is not Detective Stabler." He allowed his words to sink in before continuing. "That evidence is all we have right now. If your people could do their job, you'd already have a statement that may or may not back up our allegations against Detective Stabler. But until you're able to do that, someone has to be held responsible."
"Don't you dare accuse my squad of not being competent," Cragen retorted. "You've called us dozens of times to clean up your mess. I don't need you telling me how to do my job."
"Well, someone around here better because you're supposed to speak for the victim."
Cragen stepped back, the color draining from his face. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"It means you seem more concerned with protecting Elliot than finding out the truth about who attacked Olivia."
When Cragen found his voice, his words were punctuated by an intense anger he didn't know existed. "Get out of here right now before I do something that we're both going to regret."
Tucker glared back at him for a long moment before turning on his heels and walking out the door. As the door slammed shut behind him with a resounding thud, Cragen realized his entire body was trembling. Dropping his head in defeat, he allowed himself to slide into the chair beside him.
How the hell had a case that he had clung to so desperately managed to fall through the cracks? And of all people, why did Tucker have to be the one to catch all the pieces?
Cragen heard the door swing open again, but he didn't bother to look up and see who had entered. He didn't need to. Fin's voice called out softly. "Captain?" The tone in his voice spoke what would never be voiced aloud.
"Yeah." The single word was barely more than a whisper. Cragen fought for a control he wasn't sure he possessed. He raised his head slowly. "What have we got?"
"Olivia's statement." The words were empty, hollow. Fin hadn't realized he had crossed the room until he found himself tossing the file on the table.
"And…" Cragen held his breath, waiting for an answer to the unspoken question.
"Elliot's in the clear, but we still have no idea who attacked her."
Cragen exhaled slowly. "Where's Munch?"
"He'll be back in the morning." The silent admission behind Fin's words didn't go unheard.
Cragen drew himself up to his feet wearily. So this is what it took. They had seen the unimaginable, had been witness to acts of violence that threatened to disrupt everything they believed in. It affected them, but they pushed forward unrelentingly. Standing beside each other, they somehow managed to right a scale that always seemed to be teetering on the edge of destruction. Their job was to precariously balance that fine line between caring too much and not enough. When you crossed that line, there was no one to fall back on…and no going back.
Staring at the file in his hand without seeing it, Cragen raised his eyes to meet the only one that still managed to be holding it together. "Fin, go find Elliot. I want both of you back in here first thing tomorrow morning."
"But Captain," Fin protested.
"That's an order, Fin." Cragen's voice softened. "Go home and get some rest. There's nothing more we can do tonight."
Silently, Cragen watched Fin walk away with a helplessness he couldn't control. His eyes fell to the watch on his wrist, the only sound that seemed to be left in the world. He had exactly fourteen hours to figure out how to piece together what he was afraid could never be repaired.
Cragen turned slowly and retreated back into his office. He flipped open the file.
Case : 2006-16-003482
Incident: Aggravated Assault upon a Police Officer S 120.11
Kidnapping in the First Degree S 135.25
Rape in the First Degree S 130.35
Complainant: Olivia Benson
Cragen's eyes fluttered shut, and as if by instinct, he found himself reaching for the only thing that seemed to make sense any more. Cragen raised a glass to his lips and let the burning liquid that slid down his throat envelope him, pushing him toward the one thing he needed more than anything else…oblivion.