Unlike the past two nights Will had a terrible time trying to sleep.
Tossing and turning, more than once he considered going on to check on Mac to apologize or just check that she was still there but each time he stopped himself, telling himself he didn't care, that he had a right to be angry and that certainly any conversation would just yield more yelling and hurtful words.
He finally dozed fitfully and when he woke it was his typical 7am, significantly earlier than the past two days.
His system demanded coffee but he checked himself, not looking forward to what ever interaction faced him when he eventually left the room. He knew he was being a coward and berated himself for it which did nothing to help his already frayed mood.
After spending an hour pretending like he might actually fall back asleep he pulled himself from the bed. He was pleased to find he wasn't dizzy and the incessant pounding in his head has decreased to a barely noticeable hum. He was sure the tension he felt in his neck was much closer related to the phantom pain in his chest than his head and although he still felt slow and sluggish he wasn't sure how much of that could be attributed to the concussion versus lack of sleep.
He padded into his en suite bathroom and stopped, looking himself in the mirror. He certainly looked like he felt worse than he did. His shoulders were slumped which pushed out his stomach, his eyes were red rimmed and his face was haggard. He hadn't shaved since Wednesday and the stubble was coming in grey. All in all the portrait of himself just made him feel old and sick.
He suddenly remembered Mackenzie's words, "You can't fire me from caring." and on Wednesday she had actually said she loved him. He looked himself over again. How could she possibly expect him to believe that she, sprightly, beautiful, energetic, lively, gorgeous Mackenzie, could possibly be in love with...this?
He straightened up, sucked in gut and jutted out his chin. He turned sideways and looked himself over. He let out a disgusted breath and slumped again. He still didn't get it. He knew he looked better than some men his age but they made up for it in personality. And she was a good deal younger than him; she could be with anyone, why was she working so hard to convince him that she cared?
She did seem awfully sincere and although Mackenzie was many things, she was never cruel. She wouldn't say something like that if she didn't mean it, she wouldn't do that to him.
Unbidden the little voice in the back of his mind spoke up, 'She did once. She said she loved you and then she crawled in to bed with Brian. You can't trust her when she says things that.'
He hung his head, avoiding his own eye contact. The memories of her begging him to fire him came back and her anger in his office earlier that night. She had seemed awfully sincere then as well.
But she had come back. When Charlie had called she had come back and had not left his side since.
He thought back to Wednesday and how gentle and caring she was. He pulled up the feelings from yesterday morning and her hands in his hair and the joy of their simple day together.
He closed his eyes. She seemed happy then. Just being with him. The only times she appeared unhappy was when she was concerned for him.
So what the hell does any of that mean?
"Fuck it." He muttered and slammed his hand on the counter top, the physical sting from the impact pulling him out of his confused thoughts. He glared once more at his reflection and turned on the shower.
As the warm water pounded on his tense back he tried to think relaxing thoughts to get himself in to a proper mindset to deal with Habib's visit. Unfortunately the only images his mind would supply were Mac.
It started with when he was watching her laugh at the television screen yesterday and then moved to her sitting in his bed, surrounded by the paper, animatedly debating something. The images transformed to her stroking his hair and then her stare and blush when she had walked in on him changing. He pulled forth the memory of her on her knees, looking up at him and biting her lip as he thanked her for being there for him, the feel of her lips on the side of his head, her helping pull his pants up...
Then his imagination took over, blending the memories from the past few days with memories long pushed dormant.
It became her laughing at the screen while sprawled on top of him on the couch. Sitting in his bed surrounded by the paper, animatedly debating something before he silenced her with a kiss, pushing her back to the mattress. Her stroking his hair and waking to see her lying next to him, a smile on her face. Her blush at walking in on him and then launching herself into his arms, her looking up at him hands on his belt, the feel of her lips...
He opened his eyes and forcefully turned the shower temperature knob, letting out a yelp when the freezing water came out of the shower head.
He left the shower brushed his teeth, shaved and put on a pair of jean and a blue sweater all the while trying to straighten out his head. He tried to convince himself he was bothering to look better than a hobo just because Habib was coming over and that he was still angry at Mackenzie for inviting him.
He angrily shushed the part of his mind that pointed out he picked out what Mackenzie had once remarked was her favorite sweater, nor did he allow himself to dwell to much on why he returned to the mirror after he had shaved and changed, squaring his shoulders and looking himself over. It was natural to not want to look old and unattractive he repeated to himself as he brushed his hair. It had nothing to do with anything or anyone.
He looked at himself one last time and frustratedly ran his hands through his fresh combed hair, returning it to it's mussed up bed head.
He didn't want to look like he tried too hard.
He shook his head in disgust. Why did he care?
By the time he left his room he was feeling so confused that a part of him was actually looking forward to Habib's visit.
Will took a deep breath and opened the door, uncertain as to what to expect or if Mac would even still be there.
He released a minute sigh of relief when he heard the familiar sound of a spoon clinking against a mug.
He found her in the kitchen sipping on a coffee and speed reading through the front page of the paper. She didn't look up when he entered and he silently made his way to the coffee pot, pouring himself a cup. He leaned against the counter and looked to Mac who had still yet to acknowledge his presence.
He knew that did not necessarily mean anything, she rarely allowed herself to be distracted when she was going through the paper like that. It was annoying at the moment only because she was a blank slate, there was no way for him to judge her mood or have any idea as to what to say or do. He settled for silently observing her.
Eventually she reached the end of the page and looked up at him, eyebrows arching as she noticed he was showered and dressed in something other than sweats and a t-shirt. "You're looking better." She commented evenly.
He shrugged, "I'm feeling it. Not 100% but better."
She gave a short nod of approval and then returned her attention back to the paper, opening it and trying to force it to lie flat.
"Want me to make you some breakfast?" Will shot out, before she had time to get focused again.
Mackenzie just shook her head, "I'm having brunch with Charlie."
Will tried not to let his surprise show, nor his hurt at not being invited, "Oh. Okay. When?"
She looked up at the clock, "After 10. I figured it would be good to give you some privacy."
Will winced as he recalled his words and demand for privacy the previous evening. Of course. He had only assumed that she'd be around for Habib's visit. Of course she would be more sensitive than that and come up with a reason to not be around. He wasn't sure why he felt disappointed by that.
"Of course." He nodded. "You coming back after?"
Mackenzie looked up at him, for the first time that morning it felt like he actually had her attention, "One of us is. The doctor said you shouldn't be alone 72 hours and that bring us to early tomorrow morning. Do you want me to come back or do you want me to send someone else?"
Will's eyes went wide and he opened his mouth but unable to find the words he dropped his gaze to the mug in his hands. He shrugged, "I just figured that we still have all those movies and we never made it around to 'Man of La Mancha'..."
He raised his eyes to see her looking at him with a mix of annoyance and frustration. "Will, you have got to stop this. It's killing me."
He straightened at the unexpected response and shook his head, "What? What am I doing?"
She rolled her eyes, "You need to just be straight with me. It's bad enough at work when I don't know if you're going to compliment me or yell at me and then this week it's been holding my hand and inviting me to share the paper in your bed and then last night you flip out. I will give you that you had a right to be frustrated about me making arrangements with Dr. Habib but it was more than that. You were mean and hurtful. Then, just now, I asked you a straight question and you answer about a movie. I get that I was supposed understand that means you want me to come back as opposed to someone else but why not just say that? Just say 'I'd prefer it if you came back.' I have been nothing but honest with you, hell I even told you that I'm here because I love you and I don't expect anything in return but damnit Will, can't you just be honest and direct with me? I don't know where your head is and I can't handle your games!"
He set his jaw and breathed deep through his nose, forcing himself to not speak without thinking.
Mac watched him and slowly deflated herself, "I'm sorry." she spoke before he had a chance to speak, "I told myself I wasn't going to go off on you like that. It's certainly not what you want to deal with first thing in the morning. I'm just...I'm sorry..." She breathed out, closing her eyes and rubbing the tips of her fingers along her brow.
Will swallowed, fighting the internal desire to go to her and pull her to him. "I'm sorry too." He managed to get out and she opened her eyes to look at him.
He shrugged, "For last night. I stayed up half the night knowing I was an ass and I'm sorry."
She blinked rapidly and bit her lip, "You want me to come back after I meet with Charlie?"
Will forced himself to maintain eye contact with her and he nodded, "Yes. Only if you want to."
"I do." She nodded.
He nodded again, silently, and returned his gaze to his coffee mug.
She took a deep breath, "You had trouble sleeping?"
"Yeah." He muttered.
"Why didn't you come back out and talk with me then?" She pressed.
Will just shrugged again.
"Will!" She demanded.
"I don't know!" He shouted back. "I just don't FUCKING know. Okay? I don't know why I'm seemingly randomly cruel to you and I don't know why I hedge around things and I don't know how I feel about you or what I want or what I should be doing. I just do not know Goddamnit!"
His frustration had him breathing deep and he was gripping on to the counter behind him with such force that his fingers were beginning to hurt while he stared unblinkingly at Mac.
The buzzer rang and Will moved to the intercom and thumbed the mic without waiting for the doorman's inquiry, "Yeah, let him up Manny."
He turned around to see Mac folding the paper and gathering her jacket. He sighed, "Mac, I'm sorry. Again."
She shook her head, "Don't be, I asked you to be honest."
"I still feel like I should be apologizing." He mumbled shifting his feet and not liking the anxiety he was feeling, watching her get ready to leave.
She stilled and encroached on his personal space, "You want some advice Will? You don't need to apologize, it's okay that you don't know. But you better figure it out, one way or another because, and believe me when I say this, I DO love you but I also have some self respect and can only expect myself to put up with your games for so long. So figure it out or sort it out or what ever you need to do but get yourself some goddamn answers."
The elevator pinged it's arrival and she glanced over to it for a moment before returning her gaze to Will, "Luck for you, your therapist is here right on time."