I'll Be Watching You Chapter 10
Summary: Sam comes face to face with his past, and must deal with his buried feelings over the trauma he suffered eight years ago. Sequel to Every Breath You Take. Takes place directly after Home. Co-written Sendintheclowns and beta'd by Floralia.
Heather had come to a difficult decision. As much as she wanted Sam, wanted to stay with Sam, she needed to leave.
At the moment she was still linked to Sam. It felt wonderful, and with Sam spouting his love and devotion it felt right. It was what she had been waiting for since she met Sam all those years ago. This was her dream come true. But it was all an allusion.
When she had been in contact with Sam earlier, before they had truly connected, Sam had shown his true feelings to her. He was angry, hurt and confused. After all of those years, he hadn't healed over what had happened. She could tell he had feelings for her pushed deep back inside him, but they were buried feelings that he hadn't truly explored or understood.
Right now, Sam was feeding off her emotions, reacting to her needs, and thus unable to think straight. Sam's emotions were intertwined with hers and as long as they were linked he was addicted to her and the need to be with her. He wouldn't be able to think clearly until that link was broken.
If things had been different, if they had time to talk alone without Dean Winchester, there might have been a chance to get to know Sam's true feelings. She would have been able to end the link and actually talk to Sam, but now that was impossible. Dean was not going to let her talk to his brother, let alone near his brother ever again.
She could feel how much Sam loved his brother and needed his brother, so there was no way she would make the same mistake again. Taking Sam from Dean had almost killed the boy before, and she felt it would still destroy him.
That left one option. A farewell talk, and then she would leave. Distance would break their link and allow Sam to think clearly. To be Sam again.
-0-
Heather, we have to be together.
Sam was becoming panicked and it killed Heather to be the cause of the panic and emotional pain.
Baby, I love you and things will be okay. I just need you to listen to me.
I'll listen, but I need to tell you something too. After we were together before, I couldn't get you out of my head. I felt guilty. My family had saved me from a creature that fed off me, and I was dreaming of you. Of being with you again, how good it felt. I never got over those feelings and now I understand why. I need you. I've always needed you. Don't let my brother scare you away, I can talk him into listening. Please.
But Sam, what I did all those years ago was so wrong. It was going to be a simple snub to your father- a hunter. Feed on his youngest right under his nose. I thought I'd feed off of you a couple of times, you'd have no memory of it and I would have the satisfaction of getting one over on a hunter. But after I tasted you Sam, you were so special. I think you know now, you understand that as a psychic vampire I was addicted to your powers the moment that I fed. I thought I was in control but you were my addiction and that addiction took me to a horrible place in my head. I hurt you so bad. I'll never forgive myself for that.
I do understand that I have powers and why our uniting was so intense now. It was like it was meant to be, that's why you became addicted. It just felt so right. It felt right to me too. I was just too young to understand and except it. But I'm a man now, I can handle it. Before I was a scared kid but not anymore. And I must admit, that I was responsible for part of my horrible condition at the end.
Sam it is so sweet of you to try and protect me…..
I'm not protecting you from the past. I'm telling the truth. When my last attempt to get free failed, I decided to make myself sick. I knew that you loved me and if I got sick enough, that you would have no choice but to give me up. I felt you would contact my family and it worked. I don't want you to blame yourself anymore for my actions. I forgive you, I understand the addiction now, I feel it too.
Oh Sam, how could you? See, you should have never have had to do that. I was too far gone with lust and addiction, and that was your only course of action. It was my fault. And you understand that addiction because right now you're caught up in my addiction due to the link, you're not thinking clearly.
No, I'm thinking clearly for the first time in years.
Baby, you're like I was all those years ago. I thought that I had got passed this addiction. I worked so hard to change since I left you. I settled here and hoped that your father or brother would find me and end the awful guilt that I was suffering from. When that didn't happen, I started a new life. One where I helped mankind. I started working for the local Child Protection Agency in order to help children who were victims. Victims like you had been. I couldn't help you heal, but I hoped that I could at least alleviate other's suffering. At night, I volunteered at a woman's shelter and I helped out at the humane society on the weekends. It helped me to feel like I was giving something back, and keeping so busy kept me from dwelling on the guilt. The ever present guilt.
See, there is good in you. I always felt there was good in you.
No Sam, I'm not good. Far from it! I still feed you know. I have too. I'm not human so I'll never be good. I try to be as kind as I can about it, waiting until I absolutely need to feed and then only taking what I need to survive. I find my victims in the bars. I look for people who are looking for their next drug or sex high and I feed only through Chakra's. It gives them that new high that they were craving without hurting them, and it allows me to survive.
But, if we stay together you won't have to do that anymore. You'll have me. You're not a monster, you're only giving your partners what they crave.
But Sam, I'm a monster and I'm not even talking about my feeding anymore. There is something that I need to admit to you. Something that haunts me almost more than what I did to you when you were fifteen.
About four years ago, you and your family must have been back in Kansas on a hunt and near enough where I sensed you just like I did this time. Anyway, I knew that I should leave you alone, and I tried but my damn need to see you won out and I visited you in a dream. I wanted to make sure you were okay, but in the end I took advantage of you.
We were in Topeka, a vengeful spirit. Dad wanted us at a hundred percent because this spirit had killed, and I was getting over a bad cold and he ordered me to stay behind. I meant to wait up for them, but I had taken this cold medicine and I fell asleep on the couch. God that dream had been so intense and felt so real. I decided that the cold medicine had caused that dream to be so overwhelming. It was a wonderful feeling so please don't feel bad. I'm glad that it was really you and not just another dream.
You were sick. I feed on you when you were sick, that could have harmed you. See, that was wrong. When I'm with you I don't think straight. I thought this time it would be different. I would connect quickly and let you know about the danger and let you go. But I hurt you yet again. I thought with time, I could change. Our relationship could change, and maybe we could be together, but it's not to be. At least not now.
I don't care about all of that Heather, I need you.
I so sorry Sam but I have to leave, it's for your own good.
It's because I'm tainted right? I've been touched by a demon. My power is impure and that's why you need to get away from me.
No Sam, that's not why I'm leaving. Baby, don't think of yourself as tainted. I knew there was something special, and something dark… a demon touched you.
I'm not sure, but on my six month birthday this demon came to my nursery. My dad found my mom pinned to the ceiling, her stomach was cut open and then the whole ceiling burst into flames. Dad just recently learned that a demon caused all of this and has been hunting him. That was why he became a hunter, to find my mom's killer. But now, I know it's because of me, my mom died because of me.
Baby, why would you say that?
Because I just recently came into my powers about six months ago. It started with headaches and then I had this dream over and over. It was of my girlfriend Jess, pinned to the ceiling above me…
Sam started to sob. Heather reached through the link so that he could physically feel her as she leaned down and placed her arms around him to comfort him.
It wasn't a dream was it baby? It was a vision?
Yes, and I didn't do anything to stop it.
You didn't know baby.
But because of me, she died just like my mom. I don't know why this thing did that, but I have to find out. You could help me. Help me stay strong.
Sam's pleas broke her heart.
Sam, I would be a distraction. You need to stay focused. But baby, now that I know, if I find anything out that could help you, I'll contact you. Promise.
I just want you to stay with me.
You have Dean, and you'll be okay. I promise. But sweetie, I need to go.
Heather let go of her physical hold on the young man and felt the tears gather in her eyes. She had to be strong.
I love you, please don't leave.
I love you and maybe someday you'll forgive me for this. Maybe someday we can be together. Please take care of yourself Sam.
DON'T GO PLEASE!
She could hear him scream her name and sob as she let go of her contact with him. She could feel his emotions like a freight train hitting her and it took her breath away.
It took every bit of strength that Heather had in her to gather up her emergency bag. One she kept in case life threw her another curve ball and she had to run again.
Grabbing a few precious mementos of her life, she quickly fled her apartment and Sam. With tears streaming down her face she quickly loaded her belongings and got in her car. She hoped that within a couple of hours she would have traveled enough far enough away to break her link with Sam, her beloved, her life.
Heather was reeling from the information Sam shared about the demon and the loss of his mom and girlfriend. She had felt some darkness associated with Sam's powers, but thought that maybe his mom had been a bit impure.
It horrified her to think that Sam had been touched by a demon and that the demon was still haunting Sam's life. She decided to make it her new mission to find out all she could about this demon threatening her beloved. If Heather had her way, he would never hurt Sam again.
Heather hoped by saving Sam from the demon that she could at least make up for some of the pain she had caused him over the years. She would at least try.
It was her hope that in time, he might forgive her and understand her. That someday they might find away to be together.
TBC
A/N: Thanks for reading. Reviews are loved!