Author's Note: Lauren's.
There was nowhere to snap it! Augh! (Translation: this chapter is almost double length, geez.)
Chapter 10 ~ This One Day
Roxas was able to get up out of bed that morning, in spite of Axel's protests that he should continue to rest.
"Please, Axel. My body can replace blood quickly enough. I'm sure it already has. The best thing for me now is to be up and about, doing something invigorating."
Roxas would not hear arguments. Besides, he needed to use the lavatory, and insisted that Axel remain in the room – he was quite well enough and would be back in a minute, he promised the unhappy man.
Axel relented only because Roxas gave him the task of cooking the meat while he stepped out, and Roxas walked the distance to the room with the broken window and let himself outside. He found that his muscles continued to complain stiffly, probably from persisting anemia, but the weakness and dizziness were gone.
While outside on the parapet around the courtyard, Roxas inhaled the fresh air happily. The morning was still obscured with fog, the air hardly stirring, but the temperature was considerably warmer than before. In fact, while it was still certainly cool and of course very damp, Roxas found that it was not uncomfortable outside. Vastly different from the freezing blizzard when he had first come to the black castle.
He returned to Axel feeling quite hopeful about the day, in spite of the troubling worries that haunted his heart. The red-haired man was waiting impatiently with the food, and was obviously relieved when Roxas reappeared safely.
After eating, Roxas sat on his bed again and took care of his wounds. He removed the bandage around his head, finding that the gash had closed and was beginning to heal. He then turned his attention to the new injury he had suffered – this one far less swift to heal. Axel had clumsily bandaged the bloody bite in his shoulder, but Roxas knew it needed more careful attention to prevent infection. Unfortunately, they still had little that would help, aside from the remaining bandages that the Heartless had managed to steal.
"Should I send the Heartless again? They may chance to find something useful this time…" Axel asked from the chair he had placed near Roxas' bed.
Roxas shook his head at Axel's suggestion. "They are more likely to rob the village doctors of many things needed there and useless here. And even if they brought an antiseptic, I should probably not know it unless the bottle happened to be better labeled than most of these are." Puzzling over how to clean the deep, painful wound, he surmised, "I suppose that boiled rainwater would work again…I just wish I had something more helpful for healing or preventing infection."
He was dabbing a clean cloth at the broken flesh, wincing at the sting the contact brought and not looking at Axel, who sat very still, his head bowed and his bearing stiff, his fingers twiddling nervously. With a sudden, swift motion Axel rose, then sat quickly on the bed beside Roxas. The blond had just glanced up in surprise at the action when a hand on his opposite shoulder gently pulled him around to face the other man, who was already leaning in close.
The next thing Roxas knew, his wound smarted sharply as a hot, wet tongue slid slowly over it.
For a moment, he froze. Axel was so close…his familiar scent struck Roxas, accompanied by the warmth of his touch. He was being held firmly by his shoulder, Axel's other hand on the small of his back, so near…so very, very near to the other man, whose hair was brushing his cheek, whose face was buried in the hollow of his neck, whose…whose tongue was laving gently over his wounded shoulder, cleaning away the blood.
Roxas gasped. Axel…Axel was licking him. Involuntarily, he jerked back, his mind frightened by one thought. No! Already…again? Not this soon! Any moment the fangs would sink deep again…the new blood would be drained away. His body couldn't keep up at this pace, it wouldn't work…
But the green eyes that lifted uncertainly to his weren't catlike or wild…they were soft and sad and…hurt? And then they looked away again, and the still-close man was the picture of humiliation and disgust with himself as he spoke low.
"I'm not…I won't hurt you. I just wanted to help. It is…an animal's impulse, I know, but I think it will work. When…when I have been injured…I have healed very quickly with only this. I think it will help you, too." The word "animal" was soaked with loathing when Axel spoke, and there was something evasive in his explanation too.
The realization of what Axel was trying to do dawned on Roxas, while at the same time something caught his attention. "When were you injured? I thought you said…no one else fought you?"
Axel's eyes remained averted. "None of the other sacrifices injured me."
There was a long pause as Roxas waited, but Axel didn't continue. "Well? Who did?" He finally prompted.
For response, the man only glanced at him briefly, then away again. Yet somehow, that was all Roxas needed. Whether it was their bond that allowed him to know or Axel's ashamed expression, he realized why Axel didn't want to tell him how he had been hurt.
He had hurt himself.
After another moment, the red-haired man continued, still looking away. "I can only offer you an animal's healing measures…but please," the eyes met Roxas' again, "let me do this for you."
Roxas could only nod…his voice was strangely constricted at the moment. Silently, Axel bent down again, resuming his ministrations. The touch smarted and stung, but Axel was very careful, tenderly cleansing the raw flesh. Roxas felt the strokes of Axel's tongue and the fanning heat of his breath against his skin and heard, in the silence, the soft sounds the man's mouth made against his shoulder. And Roxas breathed shallowly and blinked rapidly, holding back tears, even though the pain was not nearly enough to warrant them.
By the time Axel finished, Roxas' heart was racing, his entire body unnaturally warm. And then the poor, cursed man did something most unexpected and strange. Shifting to the other, uninjured shoulder without moving away, he leaned forward, arms winding even further around Roxas' body. And, with a small sigh, Axel laid his forehead to rest on Roxas' slender shoulder.
Without thinking, held lightly in Axel's arms, Roxas felt himself respond, his own arms circling the other man's neck. No words were spoken, no explanation given – they just held each other silently for several minutes. And Roxas felt sure that, in this moment, Axel was apologizing again, releasing his self-loathing over hurting Roxas, and accepting the forgiveness the blond had already given.
Aware of this by that familiar, intangible means, Roxas allowed Axel his moment of healing. At the same time, the blond was struggling within himself – he was overwhelmed by the most powerful feeling, and he had no idea what it was. It was what made his heart race, yet it was so sad and lonely too, so…hungry, and yet too great and too much for him to contain. He was simply at a loss in the face of this intense feeling.
What is this? What…what is it? His mind could only repeat the one question, over and over. No answer was forthcoming.
Roxas wasn't sure how much time passed before, as if by mutual agreement, he and Axel simultaneously withdrew from holding each other. The red-haired man silently returned to his chair by the bed while Roxas began automatically wrapping his wounded shoulder, fighting off a shiver from the sudden chill that touched him once Axel's warmth had been removed.
As he finished, Roxas carefully dared to break the silence, offering another subject in hopes of distracting and cheering them both.
"It is not terribly cold out today…I think I should like to go out in the fresh air for a bit. A walk to stretch my limbs would do me good, I think."
Axel finally unfolded from his stiff discomfort and looked up, responding. "The grounds are quite extensive…but you shouldn't go far. You might overexert yourself…"
"Axel," Roxas sighed, "I've told you I'm fine…"
"I know," the man quickly replied, apologetically. "It is merely that…I would feel better if you were careful and didn't go far. You should stay close to this room, just in case."
"Well," Roxas somewhat relented and spoke contemplatively, "perhaps the courtyard near here…but I have seen no way to get down from the parapet to the ground. It must be at least two levels."
Axel brightened slightly, a small smile becoming visible in his expression. "I believe I can take care of that." He would not tell Roxas how, but only promised that the blond would see. Before he would allow them to depart, however, he insisted on collecting up several fine blankets from the bed to bring along, in case Roxas became chilled. Nor would he allow the blond to carry them – Roxas must be unburdened and free to lean on Axel's arm as they walked down the hall, just in case he became dizzy.
Rather than exiting through the broken window – dangerous, in Axel's opinion, because of the glass – they went further down, finally entering a room at the very head of the hall. This room, a parlor, was apparently the nearest that actually held a door to the parapet. The tall double doors, made entirely of glass, now blackened like all the other windows in the castle, opened onto a wider section of walkway – almost a balcony over the courtyard in this spot.
As Roxas stepped forward to gaze out upon the courtyard, Axel suddenly raised his voice, summoning the Heartless with a call. Roxas turned back to see the black creatures pouring out of every crevasse, more than he could count, and streaming over the edge at their master's command. Roxas watched in amazement from the edge of the balcony as the countless black creatures piled on top of one another on the ground below, creating a rapidly-growing pile that stretched toward the balcony above. He watched as the pile of Heartless reached his level, suddenly beginning to congeal. The numerous little bodies, hard enough to tell apart when they were all lumped together, began to flow and melt into one another, the individual features disappearing as the whole mass took on a new form. The form of a…staircase?
Roxas' eyes were wide as he turned to Axel, who was concentrating on the work of his minions. "How…how are they able to do that?" For a moment, the green eyes remained focused on the black shape, as the final form solidified, the steps becoming distinct. Then he glanced back at Roxas, and the slightest smile flickered across his lips.
"I've told you what slow learners they are…yet I'm glad now that I bothered with teaching them dull parlor tricks like this. They can take on other shapes too, if you feel inclined to see them later."
With that, Axel began to lead Roxas to the black staircase. Roxas nervously followed, eyeing the shape of the stairs with distrust. Axel, noticing, glared at the Heartless-staircase again and barked another order. "Banister!"
At the word, black tendrils shot up all along one side of the stairs, quickly reforming and hardening into a sturdy banister. Axel stepped onto the black shape through an area of broken railing on the balcony, then turned back to hold a hand out to Roxas. "Don't worry, it's safe and solid. Come on."
Still uncertain, Roxas nevertheless took the offered hand, his other reaching for the banister to steady himself as they descended, just in case. He marveled at the solidness beneath his fingers, and the black shape radiated a slight, living warmth.
Following Axel down, he swallowed and continued to express his wonder. "I meant – before – how are they able to all fuse together like that? Weren't they all separate creatures?"
Slowly leading Roxas downward, Axel contemplated the question. "They are very malleable. Hard to break, even, for they always seem to re-form somehow. I have only my own theory about their origins, for I don't truly know…" He trailed off, glancing at Roxas, who nodded for him to continue.
"Well, the monster that…that I faced the day the curse befell me…it looked very much like these do, only far, far larger. I thought at first that its spawn had come to serve me, but after seeing how they can do things like this," his arm, bearing the blankets, swept to indicate the stairs, "I have begun to think that the first monster broke into these many scattered pieces after…after finding me. And these are all bits of that creature. Indeed, this may even be their original form, and they gathered together at that time too. But I do not know. It is only a guess, and a bitterly ironic one, that the monster that ate my heart would become my useless minions." As he finished, Axel's expression was sardonic and somewhat grim, but not nearly the passionate rage or hate Roxas almost expected.
Roxas was just thinking of how to respond when he realized they had reached the ground of the courtyard, and the Heartless-stairs were evaporating behind him, crumbling into their countless little bodies again and scurrying away. As he watched, he could only manage an overwhelmed, "Oh…" before Axel was leading him forward again, and Roxas turned his eyes to the scenery around him.
The courtyard was certainly small, with the black stone of the castle rising around it forebodingly. However, as Roxas looked around, he felt his spirits rapidly lifted. The trees were all bare, of course, and the ground was still mostly covered in heavy patches of soggy snow, with only somewhat sodden earth showing through the white – no trace of grass to be seen. Yet the air was temperate and still, almost warm, like a day in earliest spring, and the fog that surrounded them, though grayish white, almost seemed to be gathering a golden tint. The clouds overhead must be much thinner than usual, Roxas mused.
All was silent as they walked forward, their steps crunching and splashing a bit in the almost eerie atmosphere. Roxas could see through the slight obscurity of the fog – ruins of once-beautiful trees, ruins of once-elegant statues. These, too, were black like the castle, the stonework showing cracks and wear. As they reached the center of the courtyard, a circular area formed around a fountain, Roxas paused to observe the carvings before him. The fountain was made in the shape of three women – sisters, perhaps – who stood stiffly with their backs together. Their arms were raised, and birds like doves rested on their hands, facing outward as if ready to spread peaceful songs in every direction.
There was something in their kind expressions…They remind me of Mother…and my sisters… A bittersweet ache filled Roxas' heart at the memory.
Axel's voice nearby interrupted his recollections. "Will you sit and rest a bit, Roxas?" The blond turned to see Axel by a stone bench at the perimeter of the central circle. The man had apparently cleared the snow away, laying a heavy blanket over the cold, wet stone. Smiling at the red-haired man's continued worry over his stamina, Roxas nevertheless relented, joining Axel at the bench and sitting comfortably. Axel seemed pleased by this, and lowered himself beside Roxas, joining him in sitting before the fountain and resting.
For some minutes, they sat in silence. Roxas grew chilly, but the moment gooseflesh began to shiver over his arm Axel noticed, unfolding one of the blankets immediately and laying it around Roxas' shoulders to warm him. Roxas smiled and thanked him, and he felt for a moment that Axel almost smiled back.
These small, tentative smiles were a new expression for Axel, as far as Roxas had seen. The cursed king had been nothing but varying degrees of misery and rage and fear since Roxas had come, except for the occasional ravenous, evil smirk in the beginning. His smile was so different – even such thin, uncertain ones smoothed the lines of pain in his face and brought a faint flicker of light to those startling green eyes, making Axel look almost…beautiful.
As Roxas studied the man beside him with careful, sidelong glances, the misty air stirred gently. Roxas felt it threading through his own hair; at the same time, Axel's hair was stirred, some strands gently pushed into his face. Roxas had a sudden urge to brush those strands aside…and possibly run his fingers through red spikes as he straightened them.
Instead, he forced himself to look away before Axel caught him staring. His cheeks slightly flushed, Roxas directed his attention back to the fountain. The women gazed gently outward, their eyes seeming fond and tender as they faced the courtyard.
It reminded him of the way his mother looked at her garden sometimes. Or the way Kairi used to look at her treasured doll. Or the way Naminé looked at her whole family, or the way Cloud looked at his fields at times, or his children, or his wife.
And Roxas wondered if love was perhaps something simple, like a very fond feeling that made one smile so gently at the object of their heart's affection. But he couldn't be sure…especially when he tried to imagine a person giving up their life because of a simple feeling of tenderness. He couldn't see it…love must be more than that, somehow.
His father, he knew, would give up anything for his mother. Cloud had not concealed from his children the fact that he would willingly die to protect them all if there was ever a need. Tifa just as much so. Her life was more to him than his own.
His mother, Roxas contemplated, probably felt the same way, only in a somewhat quieter manner – less visible, but just as unwavering and strong. She had left her village, her home and her whole family to marry Cloud. She saw them rarely, for the time for a visit could not be found more than once every few years. And, while it wasn't as if she had died for her love, she had given up everything that she called her life. She had made Cloud her life, and then her children, too.
It had to be more than just fondness. Even if love was still something simple, there had to be something powerful in it too. Something that changed his parents' lives. Roxas regretted for a moment that he could not ask his father about it. Either of his parents would probably be able to tell him something about what love was like.
Instead, they were far away…probably still grieving, believing Roxas to be dead by now. His heart throbbed painfully at the thought. He desperately needed to get back to them, to alleviate their pain…
Concentrate. To help them, you know what you must do. Love…
"Axel?" Roxas' voice suddenly spoke up softly.
"Yes?" Axel turned toward him, and Roxas suddenly felt unsure about his question. How could he ask Axel this? He wished he'd not spoken…but it was too late.
Taking a deep breath and trying to force his face to hide his embarrassment, Roxas asked, "Have you…ever been in love?"
Axel blinked. "L-love?" Then suddenly, his face was averted, his eyes avoiding Roxas as he flushed heavily. "I…that…why? Why would you ask me such a thing?" His posture had quickly become rigid, nervous.
"I have been…wondering. I am curious to know what it is like."
Green eyes flickered briefly to his face with intense interest. "You do not know? Haven't…haven't you been in love?"
Roxas flushed too. "I thought you could tell. Couldn't you…smell it or something? That I have not…" Embarrassment was nearly choking Roxas as he referred to their first meeting, conveniently forgetting in his words that taste would be more accurate to describe the sense Axel had used to learn of his…innocence. His heart, however, raced with the memory he was too shy to speak of.
Axel's voice was low, nearly mumbling. "I…no. I could never…smell…your heart's entire history. Only your…your body's innocence." Both young men's faces flamed even darker red at these words. Axel continued quickly, "And I thought…I assumed that a person like you – such a kind and brave young man – would surely have loved before. And even now…haven't you a maiden waiting for your return? Isn't she the reason you…you challenged me?" Those green eyes were now clearer, able to look at Roxas with confused curiosity.
Roxas' brow wrinkled in surprise. "What? N-no, there's no maiden. Why would you think that? I have never felt anything for any girl in my village."
An invisible force seemed to tug at the corners of Axel's lips, even through his surprise. "Is that so?" He all but whispered before looking back to Roxas. "I suppose…I just assumed it. You are such a…a fine young man…to me, you are so obviously good and your heart is so gentle, I cannot see how there can be a maiden in your village who would not love you. And…naturally, you must have found one you favor by now?" The question persisted in Axel's voice, even though Roxas had already denied it, as if the red-haired man thought there must be some misunderstanding.
Roxas blushed again, turning his eyes away from Axel, instead watching the fog whirl slowly, slightly thinner now, and seeming more golden than before. "No…" His answer was soft. "It is as I said. I cannot speak for the maidens – though if they have such thoughts I have never noticed – but I can speak with certainty of my own heart. And I have never been in love."
Axel nodded, seeming to search for words, that force still tugging his uncertain lips upward. After a pause, he only managed a wordless sound of understanding, "Ah…"
At that, Roxas continued, persisting in his question. "That is why I ask. I wondered, and I thought that surely you must know…"
"Love? I? Far from it." Red hair was shaken from side to side as Axel denied it.
Roxas hadn't wanted to mention this…but he had no other source that might help him find the answers he sought. So he quietly, hesitantly asked, "I thought…you had such experience. After all, with so many princesses…"
Axel's brow furrowed, yet not angrily. Unhappily. "I told you…love never entered into it."
Perhaps it would be better not to press him… Yet Roxas only thought this after he had begun to ask: "Never once? Was it really possible to be with so many of them…so in-intimately…and never feel anything for even one?"
Axel's head bowed slightly in shame. "It is hard to explain to one so truly good…what a wicked man can do." Roxas wanted to contradict him at once, telling Axel that he wasn't wicked at all, but the man continued. "No…there was no love. It was always only selfishness and lust. I realize now that it is a shameful thing, but at the time…well. Bodies can be brought together without love…for only pleasure. Physical union needs no deeper connection than the body's gratification."
"But…there is a deeper connection?" Roxas persisted in his asking. "There can be something more…something like love?"
Axel blinked at him uncertainly. "I cannot be sure. I never felt it. But…" Green eyes wandered around the courtyard and the golden fog. "I feel that…with love, there will be much more. When the heart is joined to another heart…I think all else will follow. The mind and spirit and…body…will all come together, somehow." He glanced down, ruefully. "I wish I had not…missed such an experience."
Roxas swallowed to give his voice strength. "There is still time…" he breathed, gazing at Axel. The next moment, his heart sank as the man shook his head.
"I cannot love now. I have no heart to give, remember?" Roxas blinked in surprise as Axel murmured sadly, "It was eaten by the monster…long ago."
"You think…without a heart, you cannot love?"
Axel shrugged. "It all begins there, doesn't it? Or so the stories go…and I've no reason to disbelieve them. It seems only natural that a heartless creature would have no way to feel love."
And, though Roxas had no idea why, he felt something deep within him reject such a thought. As if…it couldn't be true. As if it were wrong somehow, or he wanted it to be…yet he didn't know enough about love to correct Axel's thinking. At least…not with a proper explanation…
Still, he couldn't agree. Reaching out, he tentatively touched Axel's hand, which was folded in his lap. Green eyes looked into his as Roxas shook his head with determination.
"I may not know what love feels like or how it works, but I think it is bigger than the heart. And I think…there is a way."
Axel gazed at him almost hopefully. "But…how?"
Roxas bit his lip briefly and tightened his grip on Axel's hand. "I confess I do not know. But…I believe it is possible. So," he smiled gently at Axel, "please do not give up."
It wasn't much, Roxas knew, and he probably wouldn't have found his own words very comforting. However, unknown to the blond, Axel had never been given such encouragement by another person in all his many centuries of life, even before the curse fell. The invisible force that had been intermittently tugging at the corners of his mouth during their conversation suddenly returned stronger than ever as Axel's expression broke into a wide smile. Roxas was stunned to see it – a new, joyful light filled his bright green eyes as he beamed happily at the blond, his face transformed in a moment into something so beautiful that Roxas had to catch his breath. Oh… Almost overwhelmed, Roxas could only form one complete thought. I want him to always smile like this…
In that moment, the clouds broke, and a thin beam of sunlight pierced the fog in the courtyard.
Roxas' eyes were drawn toward the light, the beautiful ray that shimmered through the mist, evaporating it slowly. It struck a spot on the fountain, and the black stone lit up, shining sleekly. He stared a moment, then got up, smiling broadly as he walked toward the light. It had been so long since he'd seen the sun…and Roxas stretched a hand out to feel the warmth touch his fingers.
It felt wonderful…like summer days at home, like carefree play and satisfying, hard work. And he turned to Axel, eyes wide with joy, and called to him, "Axel! Come here and feel the sunlight!"
And Axel couldn't resist the magnetic draw of the beautiful boy with golden hair in the golden light, and he came forward and stretched his own hand into the light as well. Roxas watched him feel the sunlight, watched his smile broaden even more, and, laughing happily just a little, he joined their hands.
More beams of light broke through around them, touching arms and shoulders and faces with yellow warmth. And Roxas smiled and sighed happily and asked Axel if he agreed that the sunlight was beautiful, and Axel looked at Roxas in the light and agreed with his entire being.
They enjoyed the sunlight in the courtyard. Roxas looked around, commenting on the lovely architecture and the massive remains of the trees, and everything was beautiful to him, even in this ruinous place. After a while, as the sun burned away all the mist and filtered much more steadily through the thin cloud cover, they returned to the bench. Roxas sat beside Axel, but he soon grew drowsy in the warm light and leaned against the solid form of the red-haired man. It wasn't long before they had rearranged themselves, Roxas leaning back against Axel's chest, almost lying down.
Roxas felt almost perfectly content, with Axel holding him here in the sun. Axel, for his part, watched the boy doze, entranced, not even daring to touch him more than he was, though his fingers itched to trace over those peaceful features.
Roxas didn't know how long he drifted, half-asleep in the sun, supported in Axel's arms. A slanting orangish-gold beam striking his eyes roused him, making the insides of his eyelids turn deep red. He squinted his eyes open, yawning and stretching and immediately noticing Axel's hands, which had been closed over his own to keep his arms from falling away.
"Axel…" Roxas sleepily remarked, "Goodness, are you cold? Sitting there without a blanket…your hands are so chilly!" Roxas himself was warm, but he could feel the slight chill in the air as he rose.
Axel looked at him, slightly surprised. "I do not feel cold…"
Roxas frowned and clasped the man's large hands with his own to be certain. "Well, your hands feel fairly cold to me, so perhaps we had best go in and warm ourselves by the fire."
Axel was compliant with the suggestion and willingly collected up the blankets. They walked through the beginnings of sunset in the courtyard, back to the wall rising up toward the balcony. There, Axel called out, summoning the Heartless again, and the stairway was beautifully re-formed before Roxas' eyes. The blond watched, just as fascinated, for the sight was quite different from the ground than from above.
When the stairs were formed, Axel and Roxas ascended, reentering the castle and slowly making their way back down the hall to Roxas' room.
The insolent fire had had the audacity to go out during the day, but with a glare from Axel it burst to life again, struggling to consume ash until Roxas busied himself piling wood into the hearth while Axel returned the blankets and such to their places.
Easily and companionably, they set about evening activities. There wasn't much meat left for Roxas to cook and he used the last of the bread, commenting that he'd have to do something about food again soon.
Axel didn't take the cooked food, though Roxas offered. He seemed to be concealing an ill feeling when he looked at it, and the blond grew concerned.
"Are you all right Axel? You look a bit pale…"
Axel looked up innocently, smiling. "Fine, Roxas. I'm fine." The last of the late afternoon sun was shining its russet light through the old windows, making the room look and feel quite warm to the boy, but when he reached out to Axel, just to be sure, and touched his large hand, it still felt unsettlingly cold.
"You haven't warmed up at all." He frowned deeply. "Come and sit here on the hearth with me." Roxas was right next to the fire, cooking, and hoped that he was so warm himself that Axel only felt cold to him. Agreeably, the red-haired man joined him, sitting beside him in front of the roaring blaze. Roxas was satisfied, and hoped Axel would warm up again now.
As Roxas began to eat, Axel brought up a subject of conversation. Smiling again – his smile seemed so ready and free, now – he looked at Roxas and asked, with a boyish interest, "Tell me a story?"
Roxas laughed briefly. "What about?" So like a child at times…
Axel shrugged happily. "I don't know. About you. About something you're thinking of."
Roxas laughed again, admiring the firelight on pale skin and in green eyes. "Ahh, well…all right." He thought for a minute, then grinned. Holding up the bread he was eating, he spoke.
"This bread is stale. That makes me remember when Kairi, my little sister, first tried to bake bread. Our mother helped her and Naminé, my other sister, and they each baked a loaf. Mother's loaf was perfect, as usual, and Naminé's tasted good, but it was very oddly shaped. But Kairi's was not only frightful looking, it was hard as a brick. Mother tried to pretend it was fine because Kairi was so upset, but when my grandfather bit into it he hollered and claimed it had broken his last good tooth." Roxas chuckled at the memory, Axel watching him with an admiring smile. "Of course, he had plenty of good teeth, but it was his manner of speaking that amused us all, and Kairi ended by laughing instead of crying."
Roxas laughed lightly again, and Axel seemed deeply pleased by the sound, if uncertain how to laugh himself. In the gathering dusk that darkened the room, he asked questions about Roxas' family for the first time, greatly interested in each person, in what they were like and how Roxas felt about them.
It was soon dark, and Axel was absently flicking his eyes to various candles to increase the light in the room. They both thought the sun had set. In truth, however, it was not quite done setting.
The heavy clouds had closed over the light again, turning the sky prematurely black.
"So," Roxas sighed happily, "Your turn. Tell me a story."
Axel blinked and scratched his head awkwardly. "Ah…you already know my only good story…"
"That doesn't matter," Roxas prodded. "My story was ridiculous and unimportant. Tell me something small from your memories."
Axel nervously agreed, and cast about uncertainly for something that would remind him of a story. It had been so long since anything worth telling had happened. Of course he couldn't tell about any of the people he'd…eaten. Glancing around the room, memories did start to come back, flashes from his life, but none of them would do…he didn't want to tell Roxas about them.
Axel…he believed that Roxas wouldn't hate him, no matter what dark revelations he heard. He had faith that Roxas would forgive his past, even if it seemed too good to be true and he couldn't understand how the boy could. It wasn't that, however – it was only that he didn't want to crush that beautiful smile with a sad story. Not right now. He wanted to remember something that would make Roxas smile more.
Roxas waited patiently as Axel thought, not knowing how the man was struggling to find some remnant of his life that would be cheerful to tell and to hear. At last, Axel's eyes stopped roaming, returned to the fire, and seemed held there by the magnetic sight of the burning wood.
Axel was speaking, low and evenly, before he realized it…and curse it all, it was exactly what he wanted to avoid talking about. But he could do nothing, he had nothing else to tell, and now the flames had all but hypnotized him with their dancing and his voice was confessing his thoughts without his consent.
"I look at this fire, and it's hot and devouring, and it makes me think of the fire the day the curse fell. The day of the monster and the death all around…" Axel caught himself, but too late – he pressed a hand over his mouth to stop the words, his eyes darting to Roxas. The radiant smile had already dimmed, and Axel cursed himself for his mistake.
Roxas saw the fear and uncertainty, and he smiled encouragingly. "It's all right Axel. Go on."
Axel shook his head faintly. "I don't want to tell you an unhappy story…I want you to smile…"
Roxas edged closer. "Go ahead and tell this one, and then when it's over we'll find something new to smile about. Smiles after sorrow are even better, after all. You'll see." His blue eyes offered tender encouragement, sought to cheer Axel.
Axel relented. He couldn't refuse Roxas when he felt himself all but melting. He nodded, and tried to steady his voice to resume.
"I went out to hunt the monster I had heard rumored. It needed to be killed, the people were helpless against monsters, but I really went hoping to awe my nobles with my valor. All of those people always gathered around me, admiring me… When I lost the others in the party and the fog closed in and the monster found me, I was terrified, but such a fool. My last thought as it overpowered me was how fortunate I was that the others were not there to see me so weak and defeated."
"When I woke, the mountain was already ablaze. The monster had vanished with the fog, and I could see my castle burning, people running, screaming, clothes aflame…all the people I had lorded over and kept around for their flattery. I don't know how many escaped. I couldn't get to the castle right away. My body was crushed, and I was bleeding from the wound in my chest, my blood pouring out of me in rivers, but the most pain was from the hollow hole that I should not have been able to live long enough to feel."
Roxas' eyes were fixed on Axel's face as he spoke, and they watered slightly with sorrow and deep concern. Axel continued, very quietly, very evenly.
"I struggled forward, the blood draining away, and there was fire all around me, burning me but not to ashes, eating into my skin but not destroying me completely. My memories of the rest are few…the fire went on for days; and for days, it seemed, I struggled toward my castle, long after there were no people left in sight. Long after I should have been burned to a cinder, not to mention fallen dead, empty of heart and blood. When it was finally over, the fire gone, and my broken body began to heal, I realized I was cursed. I knew nothing more. I made it to my castle, and it was the absolute peak of my foolishness…the whole time I had struggled to get there, I thought that if I could only reach that castle and those people, everything would be well. As if I was invincible there, amidst their praise."
The red hair waved slightly as Axel shook his head. "But they were gone, all dead or disappeared when I arrived, and all my pride was as empty as my castle. There was only loneliness and pain left. And so it has been ever since."
Then, as Roxas blinked back tears, Axel looked up and met moist blue eyes with sad, sad green. "Until now."
And, in spite of the tears still hovering in his eyes and the deep sorrow he felt for Axel's pain, Roxas couldn't help smiling at those final words. In finding something joyful to follow Axel's sad story with, he couldn't have done better than those two words. He felt overcome with blissful relief, though he wasn't sure why, and could hardly think – certainly he could think of nothing to say in response. He could only beam at Axel radiantly, and Axel, seeing such an expression, could only smile back, feeling as if all the agony of that most horrible day in his life was suddenly being washed away and completely healed by Roxas' gentle smile.
At some length, Roxas found his voice, but only enough to whisper, "Axel…" He was struggling to find voice to express his happiness, his delight at hearing Axel speak words he had so longed to hear – words telling him that he had helped, he had made a difference to this miserable creature. Even in the midst of the continuing darkness, to know that he had brought some light and relief to the one person he had so deeply longed to help…it was a gift of joy such as Roxas had never received before. This gift, and the gift of Axel's smile…Roxas felt utterly full, unable to ask for anything more.
Yet he couldn't find the right words to express his heart. Instead, for his answer, Roxas leaned forward. His arms reached around Axel's waist as his head came to rest on the man's broad shoulder. He pulled, drawing himself tightly to Axel, and he felt the other's arms tremblingly reach out and wrap around him as well.
Roxas' senses were almost over-filled – the heat of the fire, Axel's large hands on his back, the pounding of his own heart, the scent of smoke and the scent of this man, the one he was embracing, the one whose nearness suddenly made him dizzy. He felt the trembling running through Axel's body, and he didn't think, didn't wonder anymore…didn't want to.
Raising his head from Axel's shoulder, Roxas looked up at the man. He stared into those wide green eyes, his own lids beginning to droop, and tightened his hold around Axel's ribs, pulling them hard against one another. He felt Axel do the same, shaking hands pressing against his back, and he raised his head a slow degree further as Axel's face lowered toward him almost imperceptibly…
And blue eyes suddenly shot wide with a cry of surprised pain. Roxas froze, the sudden sharp sting in his back making no sense to him. Staring at Axel in confusion, he tried to process where the hurt had come from.
Axel gasped and pulled his hands and arms away with lightning speed, and it was only then that Roxas realized that those trembling hands, in clutching him closer, had been the cause of the pain.
For he saw, as Axel now did, that formerly blunt, human fingernails had grown long and sharp and pointed and hard – he didn't know when, he hadn't noticed. Now, they were claws. Long, black, curved claws…and they shimmered at their sharp tips with red wetness.
Roxas' blood.
His first impulse was to calm the obviously shocked man, who stared at his own hands in horror, who hadn't meant to scratch Roxas…and the blond reached out to touch those hands comfortingly, to console Axel as quickly as possible.
His hands…were colder than ice.
Shocked enough to draw back from the frigid skin, Roxas looked up, looked into that face again. And suddenly, he could see what he hadn't before, for he'd been looking into those green eyes. Through parted, panting lips…rows of sharp, pointed teeth. And…a few of them longer than the others already.
Roxas realized. He understood in a moment…and he watched the full understanding flood Axel as well. He watched round pupils widen in shock…then, the next moment, shrink again…into narrow slits.
Axel whimpered with the sound a dog makes when struck. "No…" he moaned, half sobbing. One hand flew to his stomach, clutching in horror and pain. His eyes darted sightlessly – Axel was rapidly taking stock of his condition, his dread mounting rapidly as he did so.
Roxas could see him beginning to panic, could see that he was suddenly in pain, and he should have felt fear – he knew, after all, that the monster within Axel was his enemy. He should have jumped back, reaching for his keyblades…but the thought never entered his mind. All he saw was Axel's pain and fear, and instantly he was reaching forward, grasping the tense arms and pulling Axel back, trying to soothe him by speaking to him.
"Axel it's all right, calm down…Axel, shhhh, Axel…Axel!"
At once, the man broke his hold, shaking his hands off as if they burned. Roxas reached after him, but Axel was already scrambling backwards, escaping the light and warmth of the fire, turning away from Roxas.
Roxas jumped up as Axel did, trying to follow him, to hold him back. "Axel, stop! It's all right, please…!"
"No!" The man half cried, half snarled. Roxas froze, those green eyes fixing him with despair.
"It's not…" Axel whispered harshly, and Roxas felt the truth choke him even as he tried to reject it, even as he frantically sought some reassurance in those hopeless green eyes.
"It's over."
The doors slammed open as Axel turned and fled.
Roxas tried to follow at once, but the red-haired man stopped in the hall, turning and throwing a hand back toward the room. "Seal!" He screamed, and the huge doors crashed shut.
The candles died at once, and Roxas was trapped alone in the darkness, with only the light of the red fire flickering low from the hearth, and only the low, mournful sound of the wind beginning to moan again.
~o~