Chapter 9

Annoying beeping sound is coming from Spencer's phone. She got a text and of course she'd gone to the bathroom and didn't take it with her. Who does that?! Certainly not someone with a mystery job.

We had such a lovely dinner. We're sitting at a lovely Italian restaurant in front of The Lincoln Arts Center. It's night, so I can see the fountain all lit through the restaurant's windows, and it's beautiful. I must admit, I'm a bit tipsy, and I'm loving it because I know what it'll lead to, later tonight. But then this annoying sound... It's been going on for the last minute, reminding the world that there's an unread message. I'm cranky because I'm tipsy. It goes like this these days: Tipsy Em is cranky Em. Now, *drunk* Em is fun Em.

Since I'm me, instincts kick in and once I hear a beep, I look around to the source of the sound. I'm like a little birdie and I'm not ashamed to admit it. So I've been actually good, ignoring it for the last minute, but I can't control myself forever, can I?

And as I hear the beep again, my head finally turns to the source of said sound, placed just next to me, since Spence was sitting there.

I see the name on Spencer's screen, and I almost wish I hadn't. Almost.

Oh no. It's says "McMonster"

I've heard that nickname before, many times, and by the look on Aria and Hanna's faces, it's clear that they know that dinner is officially ruined. Such a waste. This is where I snap, take the phone, and ask them without considering breathing in the process - "Why is Paige Texting Spencer?! Is she in touch with her?! I knew it! Are you guys in touch with her?! Why would she text her?! Why?! Answer me!"

"Em…" Aria tries, but I'm not really listening.

"It says McMonster!"

"Well, maybe Spencer has another friend with a similar last name!"

"Hanna, come on! Seriously?!"

They're both saying things to me, but it's useless. I'm gone.

I'm too busy reading the text. *My* ex, *my* rights of ignoring rights of privacy.

"Hello there, Spenc-pants! It's been too long, I know. But please, before you guilt trip me all the way from your whereabouts to mine, I just wanted to say that I saw a piece about Langley on the news. It made me think about you and your mad spying skills. Please report to the home base soon! Miss you!"

"Oh how lovely. Paige misses Spencer. That's really touching, really!"

"Em…" Aria and Hanna both say at the same time. It's clear that at this point they are terrified of what the outcome might be.

Again, though, not really listening.

Man. It was such a nice dinner. I arrived a couple of hours ago, Hanna made reservations. They were all already in town. The perks of living on the same coast. We thought of booking an hotel, but Hanna was all about slumber partying at her apartment, which honestly was huge and amazing so we figured, why not? Of course I'm sure she's regretting that right about now, when she sees the creation of the party pooper monster, right in front of her eyes.

That'd be me.

I almost feel bad about it then I remember that they've kept something from me. Something quite big.

I read through the message again. It's such a tiny thing. Gives no information whatsoever other than the fact that Paige and Spence don't live in the same place. Who knows, maybe she's on the west coast too. Closer that I had ever imagined.

Then, there's her mention of Langley which clearly relates to Spencer's mystery job. I could tell she was just in the dark as the rest of us, and that she was teasing Spencer about it too. Constantly, from the looks of it.

God. This text is so Paige. Just with that tiny glimpse of her character. It has nothing to do with me, and still, it feels like someone stabbed me with a knife in the stomach.

And trust me, I really don't like *this* specific metaphor. So if I use it, things are *that* bad.

"Em?" Aria said gently. I realized they've been quiet for a while, just letting me process.

I sigh.

I really don't want them to feel bad, but I can't help how I feel. And at the same time, there's something comforting about knowing they're still part of Paige's life. Like with that one link to her, *I* was still a part of her life too. And it's good to know that she was loved this whole time.

That text seemed cheerful. How happy is she? Without me, that is?

Can it be that her life improved tremendously, while I'm feeling like *this*?

I kinda want to keep looking through Spencer's texts, to see if there's anything else. Right now, I'm just craving any piece of information I can get. I guess I didn't even realize it until now, but when it's just in front of me all of a sudden, I want more. I *need* more.

And that is the moment Spencer chose to come back from the bathroom.

"Oh my god, you wouldn't believe the line in the lady's roo…"

She noticed the change in the atmosphere.

"Hmmm… what's going on? 5 minutes ago you were talking about more drinking plans for later tonight."

I hand her the phone quietly. I'm starting to feel just a bit guilty, then I remember what it was all about.

She saw what I was looking at, and realization sank in.

"Wow, Em, going through my texts?"

"Wow, Spence, not telling me about *this*? Plus, I only saw the one text."

There's silence for a few moments. No one knows what to say.

"Em… I thought knowing all of this would hurt you. *And* (she continues immediately as she sees me getting all worked up), more importantly, *she* thought it would. I honestly just tried to respect both of you, and do what I thought was right. We all did."

I look at the three of them, they are all nodding, and I know that she is at least partially right. They had every right to be in touch with Paige. And that if Paige herself didn't want me to know anything about her life, then Spencer figured it falls under the category of what's between Paige and I. But it still feels like a sting. Three years. Three years they kept this from me. And I have a lot of catching up to do. This was quite the blow.

Spencer looks at me, she's really worried. Like she knows I have discovered this thing that I'll never get over. But I just say gently:

"Girls, how long before you finally stop trying to protect me, by not telling me things? We've been through this, so many times before."

They all feel horrible, I can tell. It's very evident in their faces. Spencer breaks the silence.

"I'm sorry, Em. I honestly didn't know what to do. And that's a rare thing for a Hastings as you very well know."

The urge to know everything takes over, so for the time being I'm not too bothered with how really upset I am.

"Just tell me everything. Where is she? Is she on the west coast too? What is she doing? Is she happy? I wanna know everything that you know."

They look at one another, then Spencer says:

"Well, for starters, she's in Paris".

Paris. After all this time. Bloody Paris. Always taking her away from me. Well, then, I guess she got what she wanted after all. And yes, I'm being sarcastic and bitter.

"And she's an artist. Like she always wanted to be".

"She's amazing, Em," Hanna interrupts, "she writes, and sculpts, and draws. Some of her stuff was published, and she had pieces in a few exhibitions. You'd be so proud of her. She's so talented."

Okay. Jealousy. Tons of it. . They know so much about her life. She *shared*. She let them see her art. This feels like rejection in the worst way possible. But I *am* proud of her. And there's something else. A crave. A crave to sit naked in bed, with the comforter wrapped around my body, as Paige walks around from piece to piece and tells me all about them, while I look at her with adoring eyes.

Did she make it her goal to make sure I knew nothing about her life? Why?

"And as for if she's happy…" Aria starts to speak. "None of us can really answer that, actually. Not really"

I wonder what she means exactly, but then something occurs to me.

"How much does *she* know?" I ask.

"What do you mean?" Spencer asks in return.

"Oh come on, Spencer. How much, does *she* know, about *my* life?"

They are silent for a moment.

"She knows everything, Em." Hanna volunteers to answer, to take some of the heat off of Spencer. She's very noble this way. But I'm still furious.

"And this seems fair toy you?! She knows everything about my life and I know nothing about hers?!"

"I'm sorry, Em. But honestly? You never asked, she always does. All the god damn time. And she's not even being subtle about it usually, though I'm sure she thinks she is." That was Spencer again. And I'm honestly ready to get up and spill water all over her face. But now, something else takes over me and I ask:

"Does she know about Cassie?" I don't even know why I asked that. Am I afraid it hurt her? Do I *want* her to know that I'm not just sitting around?

"She does." It was Aria's turn to join the heat lift team.

I almost add, "and? How did she react?" but I stop myself. Paige asks about me. All the time. Why?

You know why, Em. From everything they've said so far, you know that it's not just about being polite.

I have to own this notion. Paige isn't just asking about me because old habits die hard. There's more to it. And yeah, Paige dealt with this whole thing awfully, but if *she* can't bring herself to be smart about this, *I* will.

"How mad are you? On a scale from zero to infinite?" Aria asked cautiously.

I take a few seconds to truthfully consider my answer to this. I love my friends. They are sometime misguided. We all are. God knows Paige is. Stupid, annoying, beautiful, amazing Paige. But the bottom line is, that I have other things to be bothered with with right now.

"I'm not mad." I answer honestly after considering this and counting to ten.

Because truth be told, at this very moment, I'm mad in a whole different kind of way.