Chapter 10: Chasm (Part II of II)

Several people milled out in the distance, the smoke from the burning pig pen drifted overhead and the silence between Daryl and Michonne hovered between them as they tried to find the right words to reconnect.

Daryl drew his knees up and rested his arms on top of them. "I heard Carl had my back earlier."

There was a lightness to her response and it gave Daryl a little lift to hear it. "Oh yeah. He gave me a piece of his mind. Told me to apologize." The spark fizzled and she sighed. "Could have got himself hurt for his concern."

Brow furrowed, he tried to read what was behind the guarded shadows in her eyes. "Michonne, please. Tell me?" He wanted to let her do this at her own pace but he was tired and she was going to implode if she didn't get whatever troubled her off her chest. He resolved to sit there for the rest of the day if he had to.

Apparently, she didn't have the energy to fight him either. She propped her ankle up against her shin to elevate it a bit. Her voice was steely and tight as she began to explain.

"I came back through the gate when I heard the gunshots but a couple of walkers got caught inside with me. I couldn't get off Flame fast enough to get my katana out. Carl had to take one out with the spare shotgun and I hurt my ankle holding off the other one until Maggie came out to finish it off." As her story unfolded, her agitation built, reflecting the bitterness of her tone. "The worst part was that I fell flat on my ass in the middle of it all. They had no business being out there and I didn't do anything but make a bad situation worse."

Daryl winced at the pain in her voice, coupled with guilt and weariness. The tough ones were always the hardest on themselves. And on this matter, he had little sympathy to give her.

"That's messed up but don't come cryin' to me about it. I aint gon' hate on nobody for havin' your back. I know how ya are. You feel bad that they were out there but it's a waste 'a time spinnin' your wheels on it." Michonne seemed to accept his no nonsense explanation, not disagreeing with any particular point. "Hell, look at what happened in D Block. The shit can hit anytime, anywhere. And when that shit happens, we all do what we gotta."

Michonne was quiet for a moment, absorbing his words. When her emotions got complicated, it often took her a little time to figure out how to feel.

"I know," she said at last. "It still sucks though." She twisted herself so she could face him but didn't try to counter him. Glancing out into the field, she tracked a couple of people resuming the grave digging. "When everything happened and it all hit me, I couldn't wrap my head around it, you know. Some kind of super flu taking out our people and walkers all over D Block?" She shook her head in disbelief. "All those folks dead and I'm worrying it could have been you or Rick or Glenn and then I feel bad for thinking that."

Daryl nodded, understanding that strange kind of survivor's guilt.

"Maggie and Carl are okay but what if they hadn't been?" she continued. "That wouldn't have been because of walkers or some virus, it would have been because of me."

His frustration flared up once more. "You can't think like that. If anything woulda happened, it woulda been 'cause 'a how screwed up things are, not 'cause 'a you. What were you supposed to do, not come back and help? Were Maggie and Carl supposed to watch you get tore up by walkers? That's fucking ridiculous." Neither would have left Michonne for dead no matter what she would have preferred—and if they had given up on her, they best pray he never found out about it.

Only a fool would take that reasoning seriously and Michonne was no fool. So despite how she was struggling, he could see that she understood what he was saying.

"I know it sounds crazy but it's how I felt at the time. And then I'm sitting there with Beth and Judith replaying how quickly Maggie and Carl could have been gone, how quickly you could have been gone. And I'm thinking that I can't do this anymore." Michonne began scratching at the wooden barrier lining the fence. "We're always gonna lose people. And this time when death came knocking I couldn't have your back in D Block. Instead, I'm putting a gun back in Carl's hands and leading Maggie into the line of fire. What would I have told Glenn if something happened to her? Or Rick if something happened to Carl? These things were running through my mind all at once." Her body almost shook with the intensity of the near loss. "Then Judith starts crying and, Daryl, I just lost it. It reminded me of them. I wasn't able to save them because I was too trusting and too weak. That danger snuck up on me and it was so close and it tore me up all over again. I should have been ready for it."

"Oh, babe." It was all he could get out. He scrutinized Michonne, noticing the way her eyes were clenched shut as if warding off something awful. She sniffled a little but no tears appeared when she opened them up again. There was only a blank stare holding off a torrential pain.

The "them" to whom she referred was obvious. Her daughters, the ones she rarely talked about even to him. Caring about her as he did, the pull towards her was stronger than ever. Now it took all his self-control to stay where he was, gripping his knees to keep from jumping to his feet and crossing the short distance between them. Another callback to the bloody massacre in D Block kept him grounded. Added to that was a panicked Tyreese leading a sick Karen to quarantine.

When he chanced a glance at her, she was smiling sadly at him, sensing his frustration at their distance; struggling with her own impulses as well. "I'm better now, drained but better. I came up here to get some air and think. The walls were closing in on me down there."

"I know the feeling," he said with a grin. They shared a similar caginess at being inside for too long, preferring the freedom of the open air and expanse of territory.

"Daryl, about this morning—"

He tried to stop any further fretting about that. "I meant what I said, Michonne. It's over and done with."

"No, I just wanted to say that you were right about one thing. I didn't take your feelings about it serious enough. It wasn't right of me to pretend like what I do doesn't affect you. You freaked out on me but I know it's because you care about me. Just like I know that Maggie and Carl went after me because they care about me."

It was surprising how much Daryl relaxed from hearing Michonne finally acknowledge what he had a hard time saying himself.

"And when I go out, I do it because I care about you too, all of you. I'm extra careful out there because I want to come back to you."

Sighing, Dary dropped one of his knees to stretch his leg out in front of him. He picked at the stitching around the patches Carol had added to his pants. "I get that. Don't mean I don't worry is all."

"Yeah," she replied. "I've had a lot of time to roll it over in my mind, questioning if all these attachments are worth it. We start losing people and I can't stop wondering if I'm going to be the next one to get my heart broken again. And I don't want to fight with you anymore."

Daryl didn't like where this was leading, all this back and forth. His hands clenched and his shoulders tightened in anticipation of what she was going to say. An anger was building as well. He'd spent so much of their relationship thinking she was too good for him and doubting that he deserved a woman like her. Every time his insecurities would surface she'd reassure him that he was everything she wanted. She said it so much and so convincingly that he'd stopped questioning it, preferring to accept her and trust her.

Dammit she didn't get to walk away from them, not for a long while if he had his say on it, but definitely not today.

His pursed lips caught her attention and she raised an arm as if to reach out to him. "No, it's not what you're thinking. I mean that if we're gonna do this, no more tiptoeing around things. I want you to tell me what you need. I don't like hurting you because I'm too clueless to realize how I've upset you. You were right, we're not the kind of people who are much for words. But, Daryl, we have to start being those kind of people."

At her explanation, Daryl could feel the air rushing out of his chest as if he'd been holding in a year's worth of breathing. His mind repeated to himself that she wasn't leaving him like he'd thought. The intensity of his relief scared him, but only a little. After the last twenty-four hours, he was determined to accept how strongly he wanted her in his life.

Michonne continued, sure that he was still listening and processing her request. "I think about Zach and that woman who lost her child. Daryl, if something happens to one us, I don't want there to be any regrets."

Daryl couldn't find much fault in what she was saying. Hell, he'd been thinking it a while back himself. And if he was going to spill his guts, he sure as hell better not be the only one.

"You gon' do the same?" he asked tentatively.

"I'll do my best," she reassured him. "You don't have to answer now. Think on it and let me know. I want to be with you but I'm not good anymore at knowing what's expected of me. And you're the last person in the world that I want to disappoint. So if you have thoughts on how I can make us better, you need to tell me. Straight up. No bullshit."

Even though he agreed with her, this wasn't something he had to ponder much. He knew exactly how he felt and exactly what he wanted from her. Putting it into words and saying it to her face were another matter.

"Thanks for askin'. I know it aint easy."

"It isn't. But I won't lose you for not trying hard enough. If I can, I'll do what I need to so that you always know that you matter to me."

"Me too." It calmed him to see her relax at his response. She'd gone from scaring the hell out of him to saying everything he'd wanted to hear from her and then some.

She opened her mouth as if to continue but then thought better of it. When he raised an eyebrow to silently question her, she grinned, almost shyly. It was adorable, such an uncharacteristic expression on her. When she finally spoke, her words reflected a hesitancy that brightened his mood.

"I know you've got things waiting for your attention but could you sit here with me for a little bit longer?"

"Aint no better place for me." Sure he had responsibilities but he couldn't do much for them if he didn't heal himself. Michonne helped him with that. While he sat by her side, he was reminded of what they were fighting so hard for: stringing together a few moments of peace beside the ones they love most in the world.

The minutes ticked by and they sat together, hoping the small, physical chasm between them was only a temporary separation. They started up a bit of light conversation. She asked why Rick was burning the animal pen and he explained about the fences collapsing and Rick sacrificing the already compromised pigs to buy them some time and space. Daryl relayed his earlier conversation with their friend where he'd adamantly refused retaking a leadership role with the group. They talked about the potential toll the situation would take on him and what it would mean for Carl.

Every so often, there'd be a lull and he'd look into her eyes. What he saw reflected back at him was the ease he'd been seeking.

Hurried footsteps drew their attention below and they saw Tyreese tear around the corner, openly upset and agitated, bordering on furious. Daryl was on his feet in seconds, calling down to the man.

"Hey, what's going on?"

Tyreese stopped abruptly. His focus swung from Michonne, slower to get to her feet up on the catwalk, and then settled on Daryl. His eyes were flashing with panic and anger. "Daryl, you need to come see this. I want Rick there too."

Had there been another attack? Would he need a weapon? Reinforcements? It couldn't be that big of an emergency if he came looking for specific folks and not just asked for help from the first people he saw. The last time he'd seen the big man, he was repairing the outer fencing, keeping himself occupied so he wouldn't have to worry about Karen's illness and separation from the group.

He tried again to get some sort of explanation out of the man. "Ty, talk to me, man. Tell me what's up."

Instead of answering him, Tyreese turned and went back the way he'd come. "You need to get down here. Now!" he roared.

Daryl looked over to Michonne who seemed worried as well. To her he said, "Don't even think about it. Stay off your foot." Noting that he'd get down there faster if he exited through her end, he gathered his things and turned in her direction. "Hard-headed woman," he muttered and he walked toward her.

Rolling her eyes, she grinned at his chiding. "Leave your stuff, I'll put it outside the cell block for you."

When he reached her she was steadying herself against the fence and holding onto the cane. He paused long enough to take hold of her waist and push her body back against his. Absorbing her warmth, he breathed her in, melding her body into his as much as he dared. He pulled her hair off her shoulder and rested his head against the side of hers, his eyes closing at the familiar softness against his cheek. The satisfying hum of her contentment made him foolishly bold; he brushed his lips above the smooth skin of her forehead and pulled away after applying a brief pressure at her temple. Before she could initiate any further, dangerous contact with him, he walked off, his fingers ghosting across her back. His bag of personal items lay at her feet after he retreated.

Whatever awaited him was bound to be fucked up judging by Tyreese's reaction. It made him even more grateful that he'd gotten these few minutes to clear the air with Michonne.

Because, despite his earlier optimism, it was apparent the day was only going to get worse.

TBC ...