Note: Hi guys, sorry about the massive delay. I'm sorry it's been so long but my life is changing a lot at the moment. I'm currently pregnant with our first baby and pregnancy has kicked my ass during the first trimester. Starting to feel better though so hopefully I can update more as the days and weeks move on!

Chapter 10

Seeing Nick and Fin sit in front of her, both them clueless about what happened behind the scenes in the last few days, made her feel bad. She'd kept them out of the loop for their own safety but they were team and they were supposed to have each other's back. Fin was Amanda's partner. He more than anyone else deserved to know what was going on.

"This about Rollins?" Nick asked and Olivia slowly nodded.

"Yes, but not in the way you think." She knew he'd jumped to the conclusion she was gambling again the same way she did. She also knew he held it against the other woman. Nick and Amanda had their issues and sometimes Olivia felt like a parent trying to keep two fighting children apart.

Fin shifted in his seat. "What's going on, Liv?"

"Amanda's been working undercover," she said and watched the surprise spread across the faces of the two men. She pressed her fingertips together as she tried to find the right words to explain to them what happened. "She did so without my knowledge or without my approval and I only found out yesterday."

"If you didn't know then who was she working for?" Fin wanted to know.

"Lieutenant Eames," Nick concluded and Olivia nodded. "That's why she was here this morning, right?"

"Yes. Apparently she recruited Amanda some time ago after becoming aware of her past gambling addiction. The plan to start with was simple. She wanted Amanda to go undercover inside a casino to identify the men in the operation they were looking for. They are suspects in cases of weapons and drugs dealing as well prostitution. There may also be a link to home grown terrorism. Amanda said that Eames kept pushing her deeper and deeper inside the organisation."

"And Amanda went along with this?" Nick asked. "Why didn't she come to you?"

"These guys are not the friendly type, Nick," Olivia reminded him. "Amanda knew that talking to any of us would most likely put a price on our heads. When I found her in one of the casinos without knowing what she was doing, I could have gotten her killed if she hadn't fabricated some story afterwards. That's when I knew this had gone on for too long."

"Where is she now?" Fin wanted to know.

"Safe." Olivia didn't meet his eyes. "I can't tell you where but she's safe. Eames doesn't know where she is. Nobody knows besides me." Slowly she looked up at Fin. "I'm sorry, Fin, I can't tell you. Not yet. Not until I know that Amanda is really safe and she can come back."

Nick rubbed the bridge of his nose. "What about when she goes back to work? Will that put her in danger?"

"In a way it could put us all in danger. Eames warned me that if any of the men Amanda investigated find out she's a cop, they'll kill her or any of us to get to her. So far she's been keeping Amanda out of the papers and obviously she hasn't been on any news reports either. She promised she will continue to do this when Amanda comes back to work until these men are caught. Until then, Amanda remains in Witness Protection."

"What's the relationship between Eames and Rollins?" The question sounded innocent but Olivia instinctively new that Nick had smelt blood. "Is there something going on we should know about?"

"Eames crossed a professional life," was all Olivia said. "And so have I." She swallowed. "This whole thing will backfire on us eventually. I want you to know that I take full responsibility for this. I'm in command. This doesn't involve you."

"With all due respect, Liv, but I think this does involve all of us," Fin said. "Amanda's my partner, she's my friend. If she needs help then I want to help her." His eyes found Olivia's. "Anything I can do, just let me know."

Olivia leant back in her chair and briefly closed her eyes. "Know anyone who can safely relocate Amanda to another town, keep her safe until this whole thing has blown over?"

Fin hesitated before answering. He seemed unsure if Olivia was being sarcastic or serious. When she didn't blink or smile he realised she meant business. "I can make a few calls. A buddy from Narcotics moved on to the Marshalls a few years ago. He may be able to help."

"You're serious?" Nick asked. "You're considering putting Rollins in Witness Protection?"

"What other choice do I have, Nick? If I let her out on the streets here in New York, she'll most likely be dead by the end of the week. And if she isn't, then one of us will be. Eames gave me a pretty good idea of the type of guys we're dealing with and I am not prepared to risk anyone's life right now." She ran her fingers through her hair. "Amanda would be better off in the Programme."

"On her own." Fin said the words very quietly and the true extent of the situation hit the other two people in the room as he said it. "They'll dump her in the middle of nowhere, probably in the South or the West Coast, far away from here. She won't know anyone or anything. A new name, a new life, a new identity. She'll just become a shell of who she is now and we won't know if we'll ever get to see her again." He shook his head as he looked at Olivia. At that moment they both remembered Alexandra Cabot. Amanda wouldn't be the first person they cared about to vanish into the Programme. "Doesn't seem fair just because Eames is trying to score a few points."

"It isn't fair," Olivia admitted. The thought of losing Amanda only now hit her. Until this moment she hadn't considered the possibility that they would never see each other again if Amanda went into the Programme. It broke something inside of her. Something she didn't know could be broken. And it hurt. It hurt in a way nothing had ever hurt before. "I don't like it either. I don't want to lose her."

The last sentence only came out as a faded whisper.

Fin saw through her like she was made out of glass. He glanced at Nick, who didn't seem to have noticed what Fin saw. Then again, Nick hadn't been at Amanda's apartment a few days earlier and he hadn't seen the look in Olivia's eyes that day. "We'll find a way, Liv," he said. "I'll call that buddy of mine. It doesn't mean she definitely has to go in. Can you talk to Eames again?"

"I didn't get very far this morning. I doubt she's going to listen to me for a second time today. She's angry that I pulled her operation and I've got both Eames and the Commissioner breathing down my neck about this. It almost looks like nobody else cares about Amanda other than us."

The two detectives stood up and Olivia watched as they left her office. Fin closed the door behind them and suddenly the silence crashed down on her. The walls were closing in and the world around her just seemed to turn into a crazy blur of distant voices, memories from a long time ago and the echo of Amanda's voice. It had been almost ten years ago since she witnessed Alexandra Cabot disappear into the Witness Programme. Another friend whose live was tainted by the many monsters that lived in this world. It had scarred her. Even if she had never said it out loud, years later Olivia could still see it in her eyes. And now Amanda was about to go down the same route.

Olivia stood up out of her chair, walked out of her office without bothering to close the door and crossed the squad room. She felt Fin's eyes in her back but she didn't turn around, knowing he would ask her where she was going and eventually stop her. She didn't want to be stopped. She couldn't allow herself to be stopped.

Stepping out into the cool morning fresh air cleared some of the images in her head and Olivia took a few deep breaths before heading in the direction of the nearest subway station. She didn't want to drive. Cars were easy to follow, even in the madness that was New York City. Subways were easier and far more anonymous. It was easy to blend in and to disappear, which was exactly what she wanted.

Olivia took several trains, more than necessary, before finally reaching Queens. She got off two stops early and hailed a cab. She gave him an address and he dropped her off in the middle of a quiet suburban street. She waited until he was out sight before walking back to the end of the road and turning into the next one instead. Just as she walked up to the front door of the house where she had dropped Amanda off the night before, her cell phone rang.

She saw Fin's name flash across the caller ID screen and answered. "Hey, Fin. Got anything?"

"My buddy's in Philly but he can be here tomorrow afternoon if you want to talk. Off the record. He thinks his bosses will OK the transfer but he needs to talk to Amanda."

Olivia swallowed hard. "Ok. Thanks, Fin."

"Tell her I said to keep her head down, ok?"

She smiled as she hung up. He understood she'd gone to see her.

She found the key she'd hidden earlier that morning and stuck it into the lock. She released her breath in satisfaction when she noticed the door was still locked and quickly stepped inside after opening the door. Almost immediately she recognised the sound of footsteps approaching and Amanda appeared from the living room, her gun drawn. She instantly lowered her weapon when she saw Olivia.

"Everythin' ok?" she asked. She noticed the worried frown across Olivia's forehead. "Liv, what's goin' on?"

"We need to talk," Olivia said softly. Tired brown eyes found sparkling blue. Suddenly Olivia seemed so much older beyond her years. A single day had robbed some of the fighter spirit she possessed. "Can we talk?"

Amanda followed Olivia into the living room and sat down next to the older woman. When Olivia didn't immediately look up, Amanda knew that whatever she had come here to tell her, it wasn't anything good. "Did you speak to Eames?"

Olivia nodded. "She wasn't particularly helpful but she's promised to keep your name and face out of the press in the near future. She said she's been doing so since you started working for her and I insisted she keeps doing it." She swallowed. "But she made it very clear that you're in danger, Amanda. It won't take anyone long to find out who and what you really are."

Amanda looked down at her hands. "I can't come back to work yet?"

"Amanda, I don't know if you'll ever be able to go back to work." Olivia swallowed hard. "Unless Eames nails those guys, there's going to be a price on your head. I can't let you put yourself out there, in the line of fire, when I know those men are looking for you. You're not safe here in New York."

"So what're you sayin'?" Amanda's blue eyes stared at Olivia.

"Fin's been in touch with one of his buddies inside the US Marshalls. He thinks they'll open the Programme up for you and they can provide you with a new identity until all of this is over."

"The Programme? You mean Witness Protection, for real? Not just in this house with you but somewhere else, God knows where, some place where nobody knows me?!" Amanda stood up and started pacing the room. Anger and frustration were etched across her face and she clenched and relaxed her fists as she walked. "Is that what it has come to?"

"I'm afraid so," Olivia admitted. She tried to ignore her own sadness. It would be selfish to only think of herself right now but she felt as if she was slowly being torn apart from the inside out. Her body felt like it had been doused in battery acid and she was left to burn. "I don't see another way out. I'm sorry, Amanda."

"How long?" Amanda asked softly.

The echo of that same question being asked years ago hit Olivia hard. She had been the one to ask it when she first saw Alex after the shooting. Now Amanda asked her, with the same desperation Olivia had recognised in her own voice back then.

"I don't know. A few days, maybe a few weeks. I'll be chasing Eames to round up her case." The lump in Olivia's throat grew bigger and she struggled to get the words out. "I don't want to lose you."

Amanda froze and when she looked at Olivia she seemed broken. Olivia's last words cut through her life a knife and she stared at the brunette. The pain that followed those words was overwhelming and Amanda felt her knees almost buckle underneath her. Somehow she managed to keep herself standing and the words came out like a whisper. "You're not comin' with me, are you?"

"I don't know if I can." Olivia stood up too and walked over to Amanda. She took the blonde's hands into her own and brought them up to her lips. Their eyes found each other. "If I could, I would. In a heartbeat." She looked into Amanda's eyes. "You know that, don't you? You know that I'd come with you?"

"Livin' in some small house in the middle of godforsaken Texas," Amanda joked. Tears glistened in her eyes. At any other moment the thought of sharing a life with Olivia would have seemed perfect but right now it felt like the most twisted kind of reality the world could offer her. "You'd hate it. You'd be lost without SVU. It's in your blood, Liv. It's who you are."

"Nothing changes," Olivia promised. "Except what has to." She let her fingers ghost across Amanda's cheek. "Maybe it's time."

Amanda rested her forehead against Olivia's. "What are we goin' to do?"

"We'll think of something," Olivia whispered. "Everything's going to be allright."