Chapter 10 – Sunder

Allura walked into her room swiftly, painfully aware of the indomitable presence directly behind her. She glided straight across her floor to a recessed fireplace. She touched a switch near the glassed-in hearth and it crackled to life. She turned around slowly.

Lotor stood in the center of her bedchamber, his eyes fixated on her. His arms were crossed across his chest as he studied her closely. The moonlight coming through the glass wall caught his hair and the golden firelight reflected off his eyes. She swallowed nervously as her heart skipped a beat and an old, familiar feeling stirred.

"I do not know what is left to be said," she said after a moment. Her words were breathless and carried little weight behind them. She folded her arms over herself self-consciously, drawing her silk robe in tighter around her body.

Despite being in next-to-nothing in her bathing suit the day before, Allura felt far more naked standing before him under his intimate gaze. In the middle of the night, cloaked in starlight and warmed by the fire, even her floor-length gown and robe couldn't protect her from his hungry look.

"Much," he replied. "I'm certain you still have questions, if nothing else."

"Of course I have questions, especially when it comes to you. When have I ever not," she muttered. It was a rhetorical question, and as he kept his silence, she fidgeted slightly. She took a deep breath to steel her resolve before diving straight into the dragon's maw.

"Everything suddenly changed, and I don't know why. What happened?" Her fierce eyes met his with the same, undiluted ferocity he was used to. The firelight courted her hair from behind, illuminating her in a golden halo.

"What do you mean," he questioned. He took a step toward her as his hands itched to touch her. He couldn't help himself. She was the flame and he was the moth.

"The war. It just… you just… stopped. I spent years laying in bed, wide awake, listening for the alarms – waiting for the sirens. Waiting for you to bring down upon my planet something horrifyingly beyond my imagination. The thought that you would leave me alone… …it was unfathomable, unbelievable. How could you? You were far too arrogant. Too confident. It wasn't a plausible fate. With all that talk of 'love' and conquering, of siege and slavery, of… of burning… and binding ... and you... just... stopped. Did you eventually conquer enough? Were you sated? Did you finally learn what love was? ...did you realize it was Merla the whole time?"

"What are you talking about, Allura? Of course I still love you. Merla was… convenient."

"No, no you can't possibly mean that. You use that word incorrectly," she said dismissively. "You always have… You mistake want for need, love for lust… "

"But I do," he insisted, his temper flaring at she denied him his passion. She tossed him a cool look in response and paced away from the fireplace. She paused to look out the glass pane.

"Maybe, maybe once in our long-buried past, Lotor, you might have thought you loved me. Maybe," she conceded. "But not now, not today."

"Allura, I have always loved you. I never stopped! You haunt my dreams to this day!" His exasperated tone rose louder as he took another step toward her. She shook her head once.

"I don't believe that's possible. It can't be. I am no one."

"Why is that so difficult to understand? From the moment I met you, I loved you!"

"Stop saying that!" Allura cried out, pressing her hands over her ears. Her cheeks flushed red as his words crashed into her. "You don't know what that word means! You have never loved anyone other than yourself," she hissed out. She opened her eyes and stared out into the darkness as her shoulders relaxed. "And Tarla. That, I can see, clear as dawn," she added gently. "But not me. Not ever. Not then; and certainly not now." She let her hands fall back to her sides as her passion calmed.

Lotor stopped in his tracks, a few paces from her, as both caught their breath.

"Why do you brand me a liar?" His voice was still tense, but he controlled the volume carefully. His keen eyes caught the way her hands trembled in front of her as they clutched at her robe. She kept her back to him to hide her expression, but the firelight cast her reflection on the glass and surrendered her secrets to him. Allura's cheeks were red, but the rest of her skin was ashen. Her fingers laced together tightly as she held back her tremor.

"Because you and I think of love differently. Love is… …the person that you love is the center of your universe. They are the most important thing to you. They-"

"And you still don't believe I see you that way? How can, after everything, you stand there and deny the truth in that statement?" His voice held a quiver to the tone. He swallowed, reigning in both his temper and an unusual sensation to him – fear. She was slipping from him, backing away as she had always done.

Allura stayed quiet. Lotor couldn't be certain if she were studying something on her darkened horizon or if she simply hid from his gaze.

"No," she said simply after a tense moment passed between them. Her voice was lower in tone than he had ever heard before and a chill resonated behind her words. His fury ignited and without a word he stormed across the room toward her, closing the distance.

Allura heard his footfalls and turned instinctively, her eyes widening with alarm.

"Stay away!" Her voice was a high-pitched cry as she spun to face him, her hands clutching to her silk robe tightly. Lotor became subliminally aware that the room felt humid. His focus was so intent on the woman cowering against the glass before him that he paid little attention to the perspiration.

As he took one more step toward the emotional queen, his own anger evaporated when the fireplace suddenly extinguished. A fraction of a second later, a brilliant flash of light cracked between them, followed swiftly by a loud bang resembling lightning and thunder.

Lotor quickly shut his eyes against the sudden light as he fell backward, coming to rest on the cool floor, his back slamming into the side of her bed. When he opened his eyes again, Allura was backed into the window, her palms outstretched defensively in his direction. Super-heated steam formed a shieldwall before her as she struggled to catch her breath.

"Fury and fear," he murmured to himself, awed. Panic ticked over in the next second as he recalled her earlier lesson with Tarla; that displaying both in perfect balance would be destructive to her.

"I'm not defenseless anymore, Lotor! You cannot just take whatever you want from me! You will not! Not ever! I won't let my planet burn!" Allura gasped for air in her anger-fueled terror. Her head remained bowed as her hair fell around her, but her will was undeniable as she held the energy shield up.

"I don't want those things," he said. He began to push up from the floor, but he quickly changed his mind after reading the unchecked alarm and escalating fervor on her face. "I don't want any of them," he emphasized. His objective quickly shifted to calming the blinding pillar of temperamental sunlight before him.

"You come here. You bring Tarla. I don't… I don't understand. " She grasped her temples between her palms, the dangerous steam still lingering between them as she struggled with her confusion. The peace her father had granted her was thrown into turmoil once more with his advances. "You knew I would help her – how could I not? Is it a ruse? Is it a distraction? I am very well aware that I am courting my own death when it comes to Tarla. It is no secret or surprise; you won't catch me off guard with it -Why have you come back now?" Her voice thundered with the last phrase and trembled with unchecked emotions.

Lotor eyed the near-lethal scalding mist between himself and the queen with wariness. Defenseless perhaps she had been once, but she was correct that she was not any longer. He watched closely and he saw the worrisome manifestation of acrimony and anxiety in equal amounts - he also saw underneath it and noticed a vein of tormnent that laced through it all. Allura was aching, and even she fought to subdue and ignore it.

"I want to believe you," she continued in her silence, her voice dangerously level despite the degree of magical energy she was sustaining. "I want to trust that you're here just because of Tarla; with no ulterior motives and that my people are still safe. But I need to know what happened two and a half decades ago."

Lotor hesitated a moment before speaking. "I broke my promise to you, Allura, and I'm… I'm sorry," he said. He decided that in the heat of her panic and her startling pain, authenticity would resonate better with her than anything else. She had always been a master at ferreting out when someone was untruthful. Honesty would win the war at long last.

She glanced up to him, opening her eyes for the first time. Lotor had never apologized for anything before and his admission caught her by surprise. Her palms still rested on her temples as she tried to tame the torrent of confusion racing through her.

"…promise? You never made me a promise. Except of war and conquest," she said. Her question was still level, but it quivered as she struggled to control her emotions. Her hands slowly dropped to her sides.

"I did. You didn't know about it, however." He shifted his weight, but didn't move from his position sitting on the floor. Allura watched him carefully through the dangerous vapor. Every interaction, every stray word, every errant weapon drawn and every threat all in their history had been leading up to this moment. As much as Lotor dreaded where it was headed, he realized that avoiding it, especially after so long, would be disastrous. Allura deserved her dues.

"Explain."

Her single-word reply caused Lotor to toss his head back and laugh darkly.

"I remember when I first met you – I was insulted that you would think you could even begin to give me an order. That was my job; to command, control and conquer. But. You dared try. You defied me. You defied Zarkon. It fascinated me," he watched as the temperature of the steam rose with her alarm. He smirked, leaning back into the softness of her mattress. He was careful to make it as blatantly obvious as possible that he did not intend to approach her.

"You were brilliant," he continued. "Never before had I seen someone as blinding, as strong, as brave… or as beautiful as you. I had to have you, naturally." He chuckled again, dropping his eyes from her, as if reminiscing on something. "Of course, taking you by force was the only obvious option. You wouldn't agree to come with me willingly. I had tried that already and got slapped. What the hell I would do with you once I had you though… …I didn't think that far through. I thought… if I could just have you, then… then you would see. You would learn to love me. You would rule beside me, of your own desire. I didn't…" He trailed off, glancing back up to the alarmed woman. Her eyes were riveted on him like permafrost, her breath trapped in her chest. Her arms were outstretched slightly from her body, her fingers coiled into fists that sustained the manifestation of her emotions.

"I realized," he continued, looking away once more from her gaze. He couldn't bring himself to watch her too closely. He saw too many buried emotions behind the frigid look she cast him. Abandonment, fear, distrust and suspicion named only a few. His testimony was far more intimate than he had ever intended her to hear, but he couldn't stop the words as they fell from his lips. "I realized that everything I had done, everything I worked for… everything that I thought I wanted… …I realized none of it would endure. And… I also realized something else."

"Which was?" Her voice quivered and he noticed the temperature of the steam wall decreased slightly. It still stood between them, but the lethality of it subsided. He subconsciously calculated that he could throw himself through it now, if needed, and only endure some minor burns.

"I realized that I did, in fact, truly love you, Allura. I had spoken the words boastfully the first few times we met, but I realized they had been authentic, even if I didn't know it at the time." He paused as she scowled at him in response. "Listen," he coaxed. "I mean it. I did back then, and I do now. I just… I didn't know how to show it properly at the time," he explained. When she continued to watch him blankly, he sighed.

"Won't you say something?" He did something unusual – he begged. Allura's lips twitched and she shook her head twice, her eyes never leaving his.

"You think love is conquering. Taking. Binding. Winning. Perhaps to you – perhaps, I will grant you that, you thought you loved me. From my perspective, it was a corrupted and vile impersonation. Love isn't taking. It's giving." Her words shattered a small part of the king, and he glared at Allura in response.

"I've given, Allura, more than you understand!" His temper flared as his voice rose.

"You've only ever taken from me! Taken my people, my planet, my friends, you've even tried to take my life and my will!" Her temper matched his own in a fury he both relished and resented and the fog between them augmented once more. His eyes glanced worriedly as her fists trembled violently from the effort required to sustain her bulwark for so long. Her muscles in her forearms strained against her efforts, but she persevered. As she had always done. "When have you ever given, Lotor?"

"I gave you!" Allura stilled at his words, her eyes widening. A deep second of silence beat between them before he continued. "I gave you up so you could have everything you wanted! I buried Arus! I did that all for you!"

Allura trembled at his words, the humid buffer between them froze without warning before shattering into snowflakes, harmlessly fluttering to the ground as her fists released, flaring her fingers out.

"What," she whispered, her eyes wide and her body shaking. She was braced against the glass pane behind her as if the effort to stand were too much.

"You won!" He cried out again, thrusting his palms to his temple as he yelled across the room at the golden woman in frustration. Allura stayed quiet, watching him through horrified eyes. Her hands remained outstretched, her fingers tensed to conjure her shield again should she need it despite her fatigue.

Relentless didn't just describe Lotor.

"Don't you see that? You won the war! Arus defeated Doom!" When Allura had no response, he continued and his passion and voice rose louder, though he was careful to remain seated. "You won – by not losing. You won – by standing. You stood. You never knelt. Fire rained down from your skies, and still you stood. Beasts ransacked your villages, and still you stood. Your castle was leveled, and yet you. Still. Stood. You even built another damned castle! Do you even know how much that pissed Zarkon off? You never bent the knee, you never surrendered, and damn it, Allura. You. Won. For all you endured, for all you suffered, you won the war! You beat us and you stood tall." His last sentence was a soft whisper in sharp contrast to the hoarse cries that preceded it. He watched her carefully. Allura barely breathed, the last of the snowflakes fluttering to the bedroom floor.

"I… I won? I always thought I'd have to fight forever, that my veins would constantly bleed and my strength would ebb away with time…" she whispered, her hands clutching in front of her chest, drawing her robe in close to her body. Lotor's eyes narrowed.

"And do you know what that means for the rest of the Empire? Arus is eternally a target. You are forever a target! I may not have ever planned to come back to Arus, but my children, my children's children – or even some errant general – might come for you. To claim Arus – the tiny planet that withstood the Drule Invasion would be a commendable acquisition. By not losing – you made yourself a prize that everyone would try for. I... I couldn't stand the thought of that."

"That would mean…"

"Exactly. For the rest of all history, any species, race, or even ruler to actually manage to take Arus would be a hero. By resisting - by winning – Arus became more than just a tiny planet on the sidelines. It became the single most desirable target for any invading race, Drule or otherwise."

Allura paled as the wind vanished from her lungs. She had never considered the repercussions of winning the war. There would always be more. There would invariably be another army. She exhaled slowly, closed her eyes and bowed her head. She whimpered slightly. All she wanted was peace... and yet... Her back fell against the window behind her and her arms collapsed to her sides in defeat before she crashed down to her knees across the floor from the king himself. She bowed her head further as she braced against her palms, her golden hair forming its own protective barrier around her face to hide her emotions.

"Very well, bring them on. I shall fight them all back. I will win." The steel in her voice calmed the prince's temper some. She slowly raised her head until her eyes met his through her hair with newfound resolution. "I will always defend. I will not yield."

"They won't come for you," he explained, slowly relaxing. He flashed another characteristic grin at her confusion. "I buried you."

"You mentioned that before. What do you mean?"

"I went through all the archives of all the planets in all the Empire. I erased any mention of Arus, of Voltron, of you, that I could find. It took the better part of an entire year, but I wanted to make it so you never existed, Allura. I wanted to give your planet – to give you – the chance to grow and flourish. I wanted to give you the thing you craved most in the entire galaxy. I removed as much as I could of our history from our records in the hope that no one would ever come again for your land or your people."

Allura didn't bother to check the tears trailing down her cheeks at his words as the realization of his statements slammed into her. Lotor had protected her planet. He didn't just stop his own invasion, he prevented any other from ever happening… for her. He had acted against his own desire, his own infatuation and done something truly selfless. The torrent of emotion she felt was too strong to hold back. She felt the ice in her chest shatter as she choked on the pain that overflowed. There was no stopping it as it consumed her now.

He sighed in disgust.

"And I've made you cry. Again. I tried, Allura, I really did. I promised I would leave you alone, and try and keep you safe from everyone else. But then Tarla had… …I didn't know anyone else to reach out to. And I broke my promise. The promise I never told you I made. The only promise I ever made that I actually wanted to keep," he finished, glancing back to her. The admissions he could barely bring himself to even think about finished flooding from his lips as he watched the one woman who had forever changed the way he saw the universe.

Allura's hands clasped her mouth. Her shoulders trembled as she processed all the information she had received. The stoic maiden of war stared across the room at the one man in all the stars capable of shattering her resolve. And he had, profoundly, with undiluted precision, done exactly that.

Before the king realized what was happening, Allura had moved to sit before him on the floor. She bowed her head as she continued to process all the information – all the answers – she had received. After a moment of collecting her pain, she looked up to him, their noses a mere two inches apart.

"All that… for me?" She could hardly believe his words, her ache evident in her whisper.

"Yes," he said with utter sincerity. Slowly, he reached to her face and brushed away the free-falling tears. "I wanted you safe. I never stopped loving you," he reaffirmed, his lips only a brush from hers, a liberty he did not take. "Imagine my surprise to come to Arus after so long and find you… alone," he added quietly, darkly.

Allura averted her gaze.

"The war stopped…" she trailed off, unable to bring herself to finish the sentence.

"Because I did not want to fight you any longer. Which means you won," he said softly.

"I…" she gasped for air, struggling to comprehend everything. "And here I thought either you were plotting something catastrophic… or you had just finally forgotten about Arus."

"I could never forget you," he uttered with a dark possessiveness.

She shifted uncomfortably. Allura released a nervous exhale as she calmed herself. She sat before him in silence, letting the magnitude of everything settle in. He indulged her, content to stay against her bedframe, his hand upon her cheek, quick to steal any stray tear that fell. She did not stop him. After several minutes of thoughtful silence, she spoke again.

"Imagine my surprise hearing you were getting married. To Merla, of all people. She never struck me as your type," she replied, settling her back against her bed beside him.

"Type?" He snorted in response. "Hardly. Neither of us feel such loyalty toward each other. I don't even know for certain how much she cares for Tarla," he admitted venomously.

"You love her," Allura said gently.

"Merla? Why in all that's evil-" He froze at her weak smile.

"I meant Tarla," she explained gently, reaching up to touch his shoulder gently. "She's amazing. I can't see how anyone couldn't. Brilliant, beautiful, clever and brave. Everything a Drule could hope to be," she added, watching his expression carefully.

"Do you regret not having children of your own, Allua?" Lotor watched as her eyes widened slightly at the thought. She shook her head once.

"I don't regret, Lotor. I can't allow myself that. I must always embrace that which I am, and that which I do. Regret… regret means you wished something different. I stand by every decision I've ever made. …don't you?"

"Not all of them," he said quietly, his eyes never leaving hers. She gathered herself together and rose back to her feet, staring down at him warmly. In a gesture he had never seen from the woman before, she extended her arm toward him to help him up.

His palm closed around hers and a tremble of electricity flooded his system as he rose.

"I will help Tarla," she said with confidence, wiping the last of her tears away. "In any way that I can," she added. He tilted his head to the side as he studied her closely. The sensation thrumming through Allura's veins was foreign. She felt a cacophonous mixture of relief, surprise, reverence and hope. I almost feel young again, she thought at the strange giddiness thrumming her nerves. She bit down on her bottom lip shyly, watching him with open wonderment and fascination when he fixed his eyes on her suddenly.

"Yes?"

"You're… so very, very different than I ever expected," she murmured after a moment. "It's refreshing to still be surprised by people, I think." She nodded once as she affirmed her own thought. "Will Merla pose a problem? I rather think I convinced her to let Tarla learn, but I do not want to cross any boundaries with her."

"Merla won't be a problem as long as she believes that she, herself, stands to benefit from it in some way. I'll deal with her myself if necessary. I'm not letting you anywhere near her," he practically growled the last sentence.

He exhaled, closing his eyes briefly before glancing to Allura.

"Are you well?"

"Exhausted," she admitted. "I… that was pushing it for me." She blushed when his hand closed around her elbow and he helped her sit down on the edge of her bed. The queen found herself in an altogether surreal situation – sitting on her bed, staring up at Lotor in the darkness, both rulers in their night clothes.

"Rest then," he instructed. She quirked an eyebrow at him playfully.

"Ordering me around again? That hasn't exactly worked out well for you in the past," she teased. He shook his head once, closing his eyes. With a groan, he turned to leave and froze when Allura's hands touched his.

He barely dared to breathe, fearful he would frighten her from the connection she had initiated. Slowly he turned to look back at her as both her palms clutched around his hand as she carefully considered her words. Her head was lowered and golden hair once more hid her face from him.

"Thank you," she articulated after a moment of silence beat between them. "I didn't… I didn't understand and I… …I don't… …thank you," she finally glanced up to him, a wary look on her face. She trembled slightly. "I'm…" She exhaled, glancing away from him.

"Yes?"

"...You still frighten me. This is… strange and very, very new for me. I'm… trying," she admitted, a flush on her cheeks.

"I wouldn't ever harm you."

"Not physically, perhaps no. But, that's not what I fear," she whispered.

"Allura."

"Why didn't you tell me all that twenty years ago?" Her temper snapped back to its usual, feisty level and her voice strengthened with annoyance. "I spent many sleepless nights sick to my stomach worried about another invasion." She glared at him.

"Would you have believed me if I had?"

He laughed quietly as the irritation vanished from her face. She pouted.

"No, probably not. It probably would have alarmed me more, honestly," she admitted. She dropped his hand. "I'm going to rest now, I feel… off. I think that strained me more than I thought it did," she said. He nodded and with only a thoughtful moment's hesitation, he withdrew his palm from her hands. He retained a moment, reaching out to touch her cheek briefly before turning to leave her chambers.

Allura had just fallen backward from where she was sitting when the door slid open again. She opened one eye.

All traces of fatigue left her instantly as adrenaline flooded her system. She bolted upright and moved wordlessly to the door at the alarmed look on the king's face.

So. This chapter is the one I am most interested in your feedback on. I wrote it at the very beginning of this story, and it's been sitting idly while I waited to see where it would fit in. I absolutely recognize the risks I took with it - It's not at all Lotor's personality. ...at least not what it would have been twenty-five years ago. It took me longer than expected to get the last chapter out because I wanted to push these both together and make sure they flowed properly. They were too connected to write one and then the other. So, yes. Love it? Hate it? Don't care? I've love to hear it, I promise. (And if anyone ever wants to know the list of songs I listen to when I write, I'd be happy to share. Random, I know. But music often inspires how I write.) Thank you for reading!