Stephenie Meyer owns the characters.
Chapter 10
Bella's POV
"Bells, it's been a week since you got out of the coma, we need to go see Chief Weber in Forks. They want to ask you some questions in connection with…you know with everything that has happened," Emmett said and I nodded. I know I have to go, but I was dreading it. I'm afraid to go to Forks, it will bring back memories of Jake and I don't know if I'll be strong enough. I can't even watch the DVD of Jake's funeral. Emmett gave it to me the day I came out of the hospital, but I threw it in my drawer. I pulled a face and Emmett looked concerned. I felt even bitterer today and was so pissed at the world and everyone in it. I have a meeting with Rose today and wasn't looking forward to it, it's our first meeting and I'm terrified.
"You have to ask my psychiatrist Emmett, remember?" I said sarcastically and ignored Edward's eyes. I'm in a really bad mood today and I don't feel like explaining myself.
"Bella you wanted to get help by choice, nobody forced you." He said and sounded irritated. I know it's wrong for taking my mood out on Emmett but I didn't care.
"Whatever Emmett, when do you wanna go to Forks? Let's get this shit over and done with," I said harshly. My heart screamed out for me to stop but my head was saying something else. I'm on a roll with the bitterness today and I want to keep going. I want everyone to hurt the way I'm hurting, I want everyone as depressed as I am.
"Bella, I'm sorry," he apologized and I wanted to scream in frustration.
"Don't you dare apologize to me Emmett, don't you fucking dare. You did nothing wrong, stop treating me as if I'm going to fucking break. Why can't you treat me like before? What the fuck changed Emmett, I'm still me aren't I?" I asked him screaming and felt a bit hysterical, like I'm going to freak out or something.
"No Bella, you're not the same person. You're depressed all the time, you're in pain all the time, you're morbid over Jake's death all the time…nothing's the same Bella. One moment you're laughing, the next you're being fucking hysterical. I don't know how to act around you anymore." He screamed back at me and I felt my adrenalin pump.
"Do you even know how I miss our fights? I don't know how to let go of my anger and bitterness, because everyone is treating me like this fragile little girl. I'm depressed all the time because I'm fucking tired Emmett, I can't close my eyes for even a second, because I see those two scumbags hover over me or punching me. I've been awake for a week Emmett, I still miss Jake and I still love him, of course I'm morbid. I think I should get out of your way, you'll never be happy with me around. I'm always going to be in the way. I need to get away from you, I need to know that I'm alone and no one is going to protect me. I have to know that I'm alone and I'm not able to do it while you're always here." I cried loudly. My body was shaking from the sobs that escaped my mouth and I felt the familiar pain in my chest. I gripped my shirt where I felt my heart ache and screamed as loud as I could. I heard someone rush over to me and pulled me into his arms. I knew it wasn't Emmett and my body relaxed against his chest.
"You're not alone, love. I'm here and I'll never leave, I'll protect you with my life Bella," he whispered while gently rubbing my back.
"I don't want you to know Edward. Let me go please," I pleaded. I don't want Edward to know what they did to me, he'll never look at me the way he does now. He'll resent me because I'm dirty and I've been damaged. I'm mentally fucked and emotionally unstable. I have to leave before I hurt him as well. I'm done with being selfish. I just have to work my plans out carefully and leave. They can't know, they'll never let me go.
I pulled away from Edward and ignored the hurt expression on his face. I cleared my throat and when Emmett met my eyes he widened his, I don't know what he saw because I'm feeling all kinds of things today so I ignored him.
"I don't want to see Rose, tell her I'm sorry for wasting her time, I'm not ready to deal with this. I'll be in my room, getting ready for Forks. I want to stay there a couple of days before our first concert," I said with my head down, I couldn't face either of them knowing what I've got planned. I won't hurt Emmett anymore.
"Bella, you are not in my way, and I'll die without you. You are my sister and I'll always want to protect you. Bells you can't be alone right now, you need me and you need the band." Emmett said.
"You're wrong Emmett…" I said and both of them looked confused so I just smiled at them and continued, "…I don't need the band, and I don't need you. You won't die without me, I know you will be just fine, you've got Edward now and you two seem to get along pretty well," I said and walked away not giving one of them a chance to say something. I'm not going to let Emmett get to me, I've made up my mind and I'm going through with my plan…I just need to make a plan first.
I slammed my door behind me and walked into my closet. I stripped out of Jake's shirt and my shorts and walked to the mirror. I wasn't able to look at my body in a mirror but I'm going to do that now, I want to see where Laurent bit me and if it left a scar. I remember that it was bleeding so it must have left a scar. I walked closer to the mirror until I could see my body perfectly. I started exploring my breasts and gasped for air when I saw the bite marks Laurent left on my breast, I closed my eyes when I felt the tears form. I don't want to cry now, I need to deal with the pain.
Edward's POV
I couldn't take Bella's pain anymore, she's hurting and she wants everyone around her to feel the same way. I know she's tired and that makes her pissed. When she said that she would leave, my heart tightened. I don't want her to go. I rushed to her side when I heard her crying and pulled her into my arms. She didn't pull away and came willingly.
"You're not alone, love. I'm here and I'll never leave, I'll protect you with my life Bella," I whispered and rubbed her back gently. I want to protect her and I want to love her forever. I hate that she's hurting and that she's scared.
"I don't want you to know Edward. Let me go please," she pleaded and my heart pounded painfully against my chest. How can she ask me something like this? I can't let her go, I don't want to. I felt her body tense and I knew our moment was gone. She pulled away from me and ignored my eyes.
"I don't want to see Rose, tell her I'm sorry for wasting her time, I'm not ready to deal with this. I'll be in my room, getting ready for Forks. I want to stay there a couple of days before our first concert," she said and she reminded me so much of myself when I lost Allison, but by denying any help is going to make things only worse for her.
"Bella, you are not in my way, and I'll die without you. You are my sister and I'll always want to protect you. Bells you can't be alone right now, you need me and you need the band." Emmett said and I saw panic in his eyes. He must have seen something in Bella's eyes and it's got him panicked.
"You're wrong Emmett…," she said and both Emmett and I looked at her confused. She just smiled at us but it never reached her eyes, and continued, "…I don't need the band, and I don't need you. You won't die without me, I know you will be just fine, you've got Edward now and you two seem to get along pretty well," she said and walked away not giving us a chance to say something back. I looked at Emmett's stunned face and frowned.
"What the hell was that?" I asked him and he sighed.
"She's going to leave Edward. She won't leave now, but she's going to leave, you'll see." He explained.
"We have to stop her Emmett, she can't leave. I can't loose her too," I whispered and Emmett's head snapped up. I forgot that he doesn't know about Allison, but I didn't want to tell him right now so I just whispered, "never mind,"
When Rose came and Emmett told her about Bella, she looked worried. I hate it when they do that, it just makes me more anxious. "Why the worried look Rose?" I asked her and she stared at me.
"It's natural for her to act this way Edward; she's been out of the coma for a week and haven't had time to deal with everything. She's feeling bitter and angry and she hates that she's the only one feeling like that. She doesn't know how to deal with her emotions and it's freaking her out. I'm not surprised that she refuses to see me, but I hoped for the better. She's going to need time and all of our support." Rose explained and I nodded my head in agreement, but Emmett just stormed off. I know he is in pain and I know his angry right now, so I didn't say anything and Rose also ignored him.
"Yeah, the problem with supporting Bella is that she won't let me near her, it seems to me that she hates me." I said painfully and Rose softened her eyes.
"Edward, I can tell you that Bella feels something for you, but she won't act on it because she feels that she would betray Jake. Right now Bella's focus is on Jake's death and the loss of his love for her and she knows that she can suppress the other painful memories with the memories of Jake. She is so messed up and she doesn't even realize it. Don't rush into things with Bella, you will regret it Edward." She warned me.
"I just wish I could help her, she's talking about leaving. Do you think she'll do it?" I asked her and Rose smiled while nodding her head. My heart tightened and I wanted to scream.
"Yes she will, if she feels that she's in the way or that she's just hurting everyone by staying, she'll definitely leave. I'm sorry, I know it's not the answer you wanted to hear, but I'm not going to lie to you guys. Edward you know what I've been through and I know exactly the pain Bella's going through. I know the pain and bitterness firsthand." She said and smiled. I admire the woman in front of me, she's been through hell, and today she can talk about her ordeal and smile about it.
"Can I ask you something Rose?" I asked and she nodded so I continued, "Are you ready for a relationship?"
She stared at me and I saw my answer in her eyes, but waited patiently for her to answer.
"Yes, I think I am. You know that it's been five years since Royce and his gang raped me, and I've never been in a relationship. I felt dirty and damaged. I knew if I met someone, I would have to explain what happened to me and I wasn't ready for that. It freaked me out just to think about someone touching me, but I'm ready now. I want to be loved and I don't want to be alone any longer. I want a partner that fulfils me in every way possible." She answered honestly and I was so proud of Rose. She accomplished so much after they raped and almost killed her.
"What about Bella?" I asked and heard the fear in my own voice. Would I be able to wait five years for Bella, even longer?
"Edward, I don't know. Bella is going to need a lot of time. From what I've heard she lives for her music and I'm sure that will help her. I think you can try to connect to her through that, but don't push her into anything." She suggested and my heart raced. My lips curled up into a smile and she smiled with me. "Thanks Rose"
Bella's POV
Edward accompanied us to Forks and suggested that all of us stay at his parents' house. Emmett agreed before I could refuse and now we're driving to Forks in Edwards' car. The three-hour drive felt like forever when we finally reached the house. The Cullen's home is in the middle of the forest and from the outside; it looked like a very modern home. A short, lean woman ran out of the house toward Edward and his face lit up when he ran to her, wrapping her into his arms and spinning her around and around, while they're both laughing.
"Hi mom," he whispered and continued, "I want you to meet someone," and he pulled her towards me. She was beautiful and resembled Edward a lot. She has the same bronze hair and the same green eyes as Edward. Love and compassion filled her eyes and I wanted to cry just by looking into them. She's just like Edward and I wanted to get away from here. "Mom this is Bella Swan, and Bella this is my mother, Esme." He said and frowned when he saw the panic in my eyes. I shut my eyes for a second to get my emotions under control and stretched my hand toward hers, but she pulled me into a hug instead and I felt all her love fill me.
"I've heard so much about you and it feels that I already know you," she whispered and I felt my lips curl into a smile. "Let's get inside," she said further and started walking to the house. I turned to the car instead and wanted to get my bag, but I felt a warm hand on my wrist. I pulled away and regretted it instantly when I saw the hurt expression on his face. I don't know how to act around him and a simple touch from Edward sends my heart fluttering, and for that second I forget about Jake. "I'm sorry," he mumbled and I wanted to reach out for him but he stormed away. I let my head fall and warm tears rolled down my cheeks. I'm so fucking confused, and don't have a clue what to do. I want Edward to touch me, but on the other hand, I'm scared to death of his touch. I realize that I'll never have a normal relationship with anyone and I shouldn't let Edward into my life or into my heart. I'll only hurt him and it's the last thing I want. I grabbed my bag and walked to the house.
"Bella, it's so good to see you." Carlisle said and gently pulled me into his arms and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes as I remember a week ago when I woke up and Carlisle was there at my bedside, comforting me.
"Thank you for everything, Carlisle. I never thanked you." I whispered while new tears rolled down my cheeks. I quickly wiped them away and accidentally met Edward's eyes. I might be mistaken, but he looked jealous over my relationship with his father. I huffed and challenged him with my eyes to say something. He went to the kitchen to find his mother.
"Emmett, I want to go to First beach. We don't have transport," I said accusingly. He glared at me with anger, I guess he was still pissed about this morning, but I didn't give a shit.
"What the fuck do you want me to do Bella?" he asked. My body started shaking out of anger, but I ignored him.
"Carlisle, where can I put my bag?" I asked and he motioned for me to follow him. He led me to a bedroom that has it's own bathroom and left. I threw my bag down and opened it. I went through my things and found my black wetsuit. I stripped and put the wetsuit on. I grabbed a black and white skull hoodie and put it on over the wetsuit. If I have to walk to First beach today, I'm going to. Emmett or anyone else won't stop me. I walked back to the living room and everyone looked up when I entered the room. Emmett's eyes told me that he was still furious, Edwards eyes looked surprise. I lifted my chin just an inch higher and looked at Edward when I spoke, "I want to go to First beach, I'll walk if I have to."
"I'll take you Bella, but I think there's a storm coming. What is it you want to do at the beach?" he asked me and I couldn't blame him for not knowing that I surfed. I don't speak to him about my life or my activities so I simply explained that I wanted to go surf and his eyes widened.
"Okay, but I'm not leaving you there alone. I'll wait for you," he said and I groaned. Great, I'm going to have a babysitter for the day.
"If that's my only option, I guess I'll take it then," I said and he grinned. I heard Emmett huff and mumbled some unintelligent words. I felt guilty for acting like a bitch towards my brother and promised myself that I'll make up with him when I return. We drove in silence to La Push, and he stopped at the resort we stayed before that horrible night. I went in to hire a surfboard. My heart tightened when I realized that Edward meant what he said about not leaving me alone. He walked with me to the beach and my heartbeat accelerated when I saw the big waves. I felt like running into the water and never come back.
"Thanks for doing this," I whispered to him and didn't wait for his response, I started running into the water. I lay on my surfboard and paddled deeper into the water.
Edward's POV
"Thanks for doing this," she whispered and ran off. I wanted to tell her to be careful and not to take too long, but she was already in the water. I never got the whole surfing thing, I tried it a couple of times but gave up, besides it's too freaking cold.
I watched as she paddled deeper into the ocean. This is a different side of Bella and I'm so happy to have the opportunity to see it and get to know her a little more. I saw her riding the first wave and she looked so free, as if nothing can touch or hurt her in the water. She rode the wave with confidents and it amazed me. She seems so strong in the water and on that surfboard, that it's hard for me to compare her to the broken Bella outside of the water. Bella is a very different person when she sings and when she surfs, she let's go of her fears and her pain.
After about an hour, she came running back to the shore and I saw her shoulders fall. She looked terrified of leaving the ocean and when she turned around to look at the waves my heart pounded painfully against my chest. The waves broke against her legs but she stood firm. She slowly turned around and I saw her tear-stained face. I quickly jumped up just as her knees buckled and she fell to them. She screamed out loudly in pain as she tried to pull her wetsuit where her heart is. I know the feeling, I've done it so many times, but it doesn't help anything. I rushed to her side and circled my arms around her. She was sobbing against me and her whole body was shaking.
"I can't do this anymore. I'm not strong enough," she cried out. I gently rubbed her back while rocking her with my body. "Let's go into the ocean for a while," I suggested and her head snapped up. I saw her reaction in the ocean and I wanted to experience it firsthand. I wanted to see her face from up close and I wanted her to feel better. My heart raced when she nodded her head and I quickly helped her up. I kicked off my shoes and took my shirt off. She placed her hand in mine when we walked into the ocean together. The waves crashed against our bodies and I turned to look at her. Her face lit up and her eyes were alive, almost no pain was visible and I could see her brown eyes shine. I lifted my hand towards her face and trailed my index finger down her cheek. She closed her eyes and whimpered something, but I couldn't make it out. "You are the strongest person I know, don't ever doubt in yourself. You'll get through this Bella, I have faith in you." I whispered. I cupped her face with my one hand and she laid her head into my hand while closing her eyes. She slowly came closer to my body and her breathing became heavier. "Kiss me, Edward." She said and was shocked at first but cupped her cheeks with both of my hands and I lifted her face towards mine. Her chest heaved up and down in anticipation. I slowly rested my lips on hers and felt her body shiver. I was ready to pull away, but she shook her head slowly. I kissed her slowly, exploring every little detail of her lips and when she finally parted her lips, I gasped for air. Her warm breath tasted so sweetly and when her tongue slowly entered my mouth, I moaned loudly into hers. We slowly kissed exploring each other with our tongues. Our kiss deepened into a kiss of passion and need. Her hand grabbed a fistful of hair and held my head into place. I didn't touch her, I was to scared it would trigger something and I would blow everything. I was completely aroused for her but ignored it and concentrated only on her mouth and how good it felt to be inside her mouth. Shock after electric shock went through my body. My body froze when I heard her moan and she whimpered something, I couldn't make it out at the beginning and started focusing on her words. I heard it clearly now and my heart ached when she whimpered it again. "Jake." I quickly pulled away from her and she looked confused and hurt.
"What's wrong Edward? Did I do something wrong?" she asked and I wanted to scream.
"You honestly don't know what you just called me?" I asked her sarcastically and she furrowed her brow. I started walking back to the shore and ignored her when she called my name. I felt tears sting my eyes but I quickly wiped them away and walked away from Bella.
Bella's POV
I held onto his hand while we walked into the water together. His hand was so warm and shocks went through my whole body. I don't understand the feelings I have when I'm around Edward, I've never felt like this, not even with...I shook my head quickly to get rid of the guilt I was about to feel. The waves crashed against us and every wave felt like a remedy to my broken heart and body. I'm healing in the water and I wanted to stay here forever. I notice Edward's body turning towards me and when he looked at me my heartbeat sped up. He lifted his hand towards my face and trailed his finger down my cheek. It felt so damn good. I closed my eyes and felt my lips moving and I know I was mumbling and whimpering but I couldn't stop myself. "You are the strongest person I know, don't ever doubt in yourself. You'll get through this Bella, I have faith in you." He whispered and cupped my face with his hand. I rested my head into his hand and kept my eyes closed. I wanted this man with everything inside of me, my body screamed for him. What made it worse was the ocean, I didn't feel broken in the water, and my guard was down. I didn't feel dirty of damaged and I couldn't help myself for wanting Edward. I walked closer to him, breathing heavy. "Kiss me, Edward." I said and my own voice scared me. It sounded lustful to me and I wondered what he would think of me. He cupped my face with both of his hands and pulled me closer to him. My heart raced when I saw how close I was to his lips and I wanted to ravish his mouth, but instead he only rested his lips on mine. My head screamed for me to stop but my heart gave me permission to proceed. Shivers ran down my body and I felt Edward's hesitance. He was about to pull away and I did the only thing I was capable of doing, I shook my head. He kissed me slowly, so tenderly and so lovingly that I wanted to cry. I felt his love on my lips and my heart tightened. I parted my lips for him and heard him gasp. I slowly entered his mouth with my tongue and when his tongue met with mine he moaned loudly. Our kiss was slow and I loved it, there was so much emotion in his kiss and it touched my heart, body and soul. I wanted him so badly and I knew he wanted me, I could feel his hardness against my abdomen, but he never touched me. When our kiss deepened into passion and need, I reached up for his head and grabbed a fistful of hair pulling him closer to me. He didn't even attempt to touch me and it angered me and hurt me. So this is how all of my relationships is going to be. No one would ever want to touch me, I'm filthy and worthless. My mind traveled back to that last afternoon when Jake made love to me. He touched me with passion and love, as if he needed to touch me. I felt the familiar pain in my chest as I remembered the man I loved "Jake." I felt Edward's body froze and I started to panic when he pulled away from me. I looked at him confused and hurt, but he didn't say anything, in fact he looked hurt. What did I do?
"What's wrong Edward? Did I do something wrong?" I asked and saw the irritation on his face.
"You honestly don't know what you just called me?" he asked me sarcastically and I furrowed my brow. He just turned around and started walking back to the shore. I called his name but he just ignored me. What did I call him? I started going back to what I was thinking, but I couldn't think of anything…I gasped when I realized that I must have said Jake's name out loud. A raw sob escaped my throat and I fell to my knees. The waves crashed against me and I had to hold onto the sand not to be pulled in. I wanted to explain to him, but didn't bother. It's better this way and I let him go. I let him walk away from me and I promised myself that I'll never let him into my heart again. I just hurt him; it was all over his face and in his eyes. I'm not good for him.
I walked to the shore and fell down on the sand. I looked up at the thick black clouds and felt a raindrop on my head. I closed my eyes as more drops fell down and started laughing loudly. I loved the rumbling sound of the thunder and I felt myself drifting to sleep in the rain. I smiled at my craziness.
Emmett's POV
I paced up and down the living room floor, waiting for my sister to return. It's pouring outside and I'm worried about her being in the ocean when the storm hits. I should have gone with them, but once again, my pride won. I had no right to be angry with Bella; she's been through so much. I heard a car pull up and ran to the front door. Edward came running up the stairs, alone.
"Where's Bella?" I asked him, but he didn't answer me. He looked pissed and hurt at the same time and I was curious as to what happened between them, but I was worried about Bella and I had a strange feeling that she's in trouble. My chest heaved up and down when I asked him again.
"Edward. Where the fuck is my sister?" I asked him, a little pissed myself. He threw his car keys to me and answered my question.
"Go get her yourself. I feel sick to my stomach and I don't want to see her now," he said harshly and I wanted to grin, but I didn't know what kind of trouble my sister was in and I was pissed at Edward for just leaving her there.
"You just left her, by herself? Why the fuck would you do that. If anything happens to her, I'll kill you Edward Cullen," I hissed and he laughed hysterically.
"Yes Emmett, I left her there. While we were kissing, she whimpered her dead lovers' name, and excuse me for not being able to ignore it. I won't stand in his fucking shadow, you tell her that. I'm not Jacob Black, I'm Edward fucking Cullen." He shouted and if the situation wasn't so serious I would have laughed at him, but I was furious at Edward.
"I'm going to get my sister and then I'll come and deal with you. And I'm not telling her shit, I'm not the fucking messenger boy, deliver the message yourself." I said and stormed out of the house. I prayed all the way to La Push that she would be okay.
I ran down to First beach and couldn't see anything. It was pouring and I had to narrow my eyes to try to see through the rain. I ran closer to the beach and called out her name, but nothing. My body froze when I saw something black almost lying in the water. I rushed over and sighed in relieve when I recognized Bella. I placed my fingers on her wrist to feel for a pulse and closed my eyes when I felt it. I picked her up and walked to Edward's car. I exceeded the speed limit but I didn't care, she was lying in the rain and is bound to catch a cold or something worse. She was screaming out Edwards name a lot, but also Jake's name. My heart went out to her, she was confused and didn't know what to do. She'll end up hurting herself and Edward, I know she will. I reached the Cullen's house and rushed Bella inside.
"Carlisle," I yelled and he rushed over to me. I explained the situation and he looked furious at Edward. Esme accompanied Carlisle to strip Bella from her wetsuit. Edward looked like shit, but I couldn't care less. I grabbed him by his shirt and pushed him against the wall of the living room.
"If you ever, and I mean ever hurt her again in any way Ed, I'll rip your fucking heart out. I love you as if you were my brother, but I will not tolerate your shit around Bella. She's got a lot on her plate right now, and you know that better than anyone else does, so back the fuck off!" I yelled and let go of his shirt.
"Emmett, I'm sorry for what I've done. It wasn't the right thing to do and I regret it more than you will ever know, but you will never touch me like that again. I'm a grown-ass man and you will not tell me what to do. I will not back off, I'm in love with that woman, and I'll be damned if I'm going to loose her over some dead guy," he said with venom in his voice. I grinned at him and he grinned back.
"Now this is more like it. I was wondering if you had any balls and now that I know you have I'm wondering where you were hiding them all this time," I said and doubled over in laughter. Edward punched me on my shoulder and laughed with me.
"We're seriously fucked you know?" He said honestly and I nodded my head but kept on smiling.
"Yeah we are, but who cares?" I said and laughed. The tormented look on Edwards face made me stop laughing and turn to him. "What's wrong bro?"
"What have I done Emmett? I left her there in the storm. I left her," he whispered and there was so much pain in his voice that I wanted to cry with him.
"You were angry, and I don't blame you. I mean if I kiss a girl I'm madly in love with and she whimpers some other dude's name, I'll go fucking crazy. I'm not sure I'll be able to leave though, I'll loose my mind right there," I said and he shook his head.
"It wasn't just some dude's name, it was a fucking dead dude's name," he said irritated. I laughed at him because he honestly didn't get it.
"Bro, the guy is dead. He can't come back do you even realize that? If he was still alive, you could be worried because he might return and she might take him back, but now she can only grieve his death and she has to realize that he's not coming back and she has to move forward. So be thankful that it's a dead dude's name," I explained but he still looked angry and irritated. I just sighed and patted him on the back.
Carlisle came back and both Edward and me jumped up. He assured us that she will be okay and that she was only sleeping. Edward wanted to see her and apologize, but I wanted to apologize first. He understood and will wait for me to return. I slowly walked to her room and when I entered her eyes opened. She smiled and held her hand out for me. I rushed into her arms and cried.
"I'm sorry Bells, I didn't mean what I said this morning. Please forgive me," I said, but she hushed me.
"Emmett, don't apologize. I was wrong. I haven't been sleeping and I'm so exhausted in the mornings and during the days that it makes me edgy and I get irritated quickly. It wasn't a good day for me and felt bitter and angry at the world, so I took it out on you. I'm sorry," she said. I nodded my head and she looked different. I inhaled deeply before asking her about Edward. I didn't know if it was private or if she would talk to me about it.
"So…what happened with Edward," I asked and felt her body tense.
"Nothing, we kissed and I thought about Jake. Guess Edward didn't like it much, so he stormed off and left me in the rain," she said as if it meant nothing, but I saw the pain in her eyes.
"Bells, what would you do if you're in love with a guy and while you're kissing him he whimpers his dead fiancés name?" I asked her and saw shock cross her face. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she viciously wiped them away.
"I can't help it. And I didn't mean to, is he okay?" she asked and I laughed.
"He'll live, it's you I'm worried about," I said but she smiled.
"I'll be fine, please send Edward in. I need to explain to him," she said and I nodded. I kissed her forehead and walked back to the living room. Edward quickly jumped up when he saw me and I grinned.
"She's asking for you dude," I said and his eyes lit up.
Edwards POV
My heart pounded against my chest while I walked to Bella's room. I didn't know what to expect and I was going out of my mind. I have this cloud of guilt handing over my head and I felt ashamed of myself for leaving her there on the beach. If I could have that moment over, I would have kissed Jake's name out of her thoughts and out of her heart. I would have made sure that his name will never come out of Bella's lips again, but instead I ran like the coward I am. I knocked once and opened the door. She was lying on her side and when I entered, she lifted her head and fell back to the pillow. I took a stand by the side of the bed where I could face her and kneeled in front of her. I slowly reached for her hand and didn't see any hesitance in her eyes, and I took her hand in mine. I softly kissed her hand and closed my eyes.
"I'm sorry Bella, I'm so very…sorry," I said but my voice broke at the last words and started crying into her hand. Her other hand rested on my head and gently pulled her fingers through my hair while she hushed me.
"Don't Edward, please don't. The last thing I need is to feel more guilty. I'm sorry about Jake's name, if I could have helped it, I wouldn't have done it. I was thinking…," she explained but didn't finish her last sentence. She sighed and her voice was trembling.
"What were you thinking Bella?" I pushed for an answer. I needed to know the truth and I needed to know if she thought it was Jake kissing her.
"While we were kissing, I couldn't help but notice that you never tried to touch me, I wanted you so bad, and I wanted to feel your arms around me. I started thinking about that last afternoon when Jake made love to me, he loved touching me and he touched me with need and love…but I wasn't dirty or damaged back then, and that's when I whimpered his name." she explained and my heart broke into a million pieces. She thought she wasn't good enough anymore, she thought that I didn't want to touch her because of what happened to her, I didn't even know everything that happened to her. I have an idea but I'm not hundred percent sure.
I kissed her hand again and whispered softly but seriously, "Bella, the reason that I didn't want to touch you, is that I didn't want to startle you. I didn't want to trigger a memory or something and blow our moment together. I never, and I mean never for one second thought about you being filthy or dirty or damaged. I'm crazy about you and only want what's best for you. I don't know everything that happened to you, but I can imagine. I mean it's not hard to think what happened, but I'll wait for you to tell me when you are ready. Don't ever think of yourself as damaged, because I think of you as perfect." I said and saw the tears fall down her face. She didn't even attempt to wipe them.
"Edward, I'll never be normal. I don't want you to always be careful around me. I'll never be able to have a normal relationship. I don't even know if I'll be able to make love to you." She whispered and closed her eyes as if it was too painful to look into mine.
"Can't we try Bella? I mean having a relationship not the…ah shit, that sounded lame. Can't we try to have a relationship?" I asked desperately. I had a feeling that she's ending it before it even started and I already felt my heart breaking.
"I can't Edward. You wouldn't want me anyways. Would you be happy just to kiss me all the time? Never being able to make love to me," she said and I stared at her.
"You're serious aren't you?" I said and felt like someone punched me in the stomach. She would never make love to me, I mean it's not important now, but in the future I would like to be intimate with her.
"Edward…I…I don't know how to make love to you and…and not hate you afterwards. I'm screwed up and it won't be fair to you. I'm done being selfish. The selfish Bella would have jumped at the opportunity to keep you forever just so she won't be hurt, but I'm not doing that anymore." She explained.
"You would hate me after I shower you with my love and passion?" I asked her stunned. How did everything get so sick?
"All I can give you is tonight Edward. After tonight, I can only be your friend. I won't be the one breaking your heart into a million pieces. Please don't try and fight me on this. I know what I'm capable of. You can leave or you can spend the night here with me. I'm not promising anything, but I can try," she whispered. It angered me that she thought I only wanted to sleep with her. A very big part of me wanted to, but I love her and would never take advantage of her in that way.
"Bella, I don't want you as a one-night-stand. I want to love you forever and be with you forever. What if I make love to you tonight and you hate me forever?" I asked her and she let her head fall.
"I don't think of it as a one-night-stand. When you kissed me in the ocean, I wanted you so bad and I think we would have made love right there if I didn't mess it up. I want to try again, please Edward. Please replace my nightmares with sweet dreams. Please, please, please," she started pleading and my will started to crumble. I went to her door and locked it. I walked back to her and climbed into her bed.
"Bella, I don't think this is a good idea. What if I add to your bad memories and nightmares? What if I'm the cause of everything, I'll never be able to forgive myself," I whispered.
"I've fallen for you Edward, and besides how can something so good, turn into something bad. I'll always remember you, just try. Please, please, please, please, ple…" she started pleading again and a low growl escaped my throat as I rested my lips on hers.
Bella's POV
I felt sick asking him to make love to me, no not asking, pleading with him. I hate using him like this, but I wanted to know how I would react to sex. My heart pounded painfully when I saw him locking the door and walked back to me, and climbed into my bed. I didn't feel one hint of fear and was surprised that I was actually relaxed. Edward looked scared and confused and I hated myself even more for pushing him.
"Bella, I don't think this is a good idea. What if I add to your bad memories and nightmares? What if I'm the cause of everything, I'll never be able to forgive myself," he whispered and I felt panic rise in my body. I quickly shook it off thinking about when he kissed me in the ocean with so much love and tenderness.
"I've fallen for you Edward, and besides how can something so good, turn into something bad. I'll always remember you, just try. Please, please, please, please, ple…" I started pleading again but his lips rested on mine before I could finish and I heard a low growl escape his throat. I would only think about him tonight and nothing else, I needed to know, and I needed a distraction from Jake's memory. I pulled him closer to me and deepened the kiss. He moaned against my mouth when our tongues met each other. He kissed me slowly and this time he touched me. I tried to quicken the pace but he was in no hurry. I felt so much love in his kiss and his touch that I wanted to cry out. This was so different from anything I've ever experienced. I ran my hands under his shirt and he lifted his arms for me to pull his shirt over his head. I pushed him back and started kissing him feverishly. He moaned when I moved to his jaw line and trailed kissed down to his chest. He was so amazingly beautiful, and I wanted to kiss every part of him. A memory of Jake's chest came into view but I only shook my head and made sure not to close my eyes. I made sure to moan Edwards name a couple of times, more to convince myself that it was Edward in my bed and not Jake. I moved my lips to his stomach and stopped at his shorts. I looked up at him and he stared into my eyes. I'm not sure what he was looking for but I quickly looked away, afraid he might see how terrified I actually felt about going through with this. I slipped my fingers into the sides of his pants; Edward lifted his hips so I could pull them off. He laid there in only his boxers and he came up to kiss me again. His lips moved to my neck and I actually threw my head back. I wanted to cry from the tenderness I felt and for the fact that I'm going to hurt him worse than I was hurting right now. He pulled my shirt over my head and laid me back against the pillows. I kept my eyes open, afraid that I'll see things when I close them. He gently massaged one of my breasts while his warm mouth lightly nibbled on my nipple. I arched my back at the sensation it caused and knotted my hand in his hair. I felt his body tense and he gasped. I knew he found the scar Laurent's teeth left in my flesh, but I didn't want to think about that now, I'll think about it later. "Don't stop Edward, please don't stop," I pleaded again when I felt the flashback of Laurent come into view. My chest heaved up and down and he looked at me with pain-filled eyes. He pulled back and went to sit at the edge of the bed. I sighed and wrapped my arms around him leaning against his back. I kissed the back of his head and felt his body shaking.
"I can't do this Bella, I'm sorry." He confessed and I sighed. I don't know what I was thinking anyways, I would have freaked out and caused a lot of shit. I would have hated him after tonight.
"It's okay Edward, I was about to stop you anyways." I lied and when he turned around to look into my eyes I had to think of something so he won't see through my lie.
"Let me explain, you only want me tonight and I'm sorry, but I don't want you for only one night. I know you are not ready for sex, I can feel it and see it Bella. You give me tonight only and I'm sorry I won't do that to you, you'll hate me forever, and I can't live knowing that the only person I care for hates me," he said and I knew he saw through my lie. I let my head fall not wanting to look into his eyes. I feel so ashamed of myself. He pulled my chin up with his fingers and stared into my eyes. I only saw love and tenderness in his eyes and it made me so sad that I'm not able to give myself to him completely and freely.
"Will you please stay with me tonight? Just hold me please," I asked him and honestly didn't want him to leave. He nodded and I crawled back under the sheets. He crawled up behind my back and pulled my body to his. My heart pounded and I didn't know if it was out of fear or if it was out of excitement, but I didn't care. I sighed when I thought about my plans. I'm going to do something I've never done in my whole life, I'm going to leave someone I really care for and I'm going to leave him broken. I felt his lips on my shoulder and it sent shivers down my body. He didn't say anything for the rest of the night and I was glad. I drifted to sleep feeling so safe and so loved.
Flashback in a dream
James entered me again with so much force that I screamed out in pain. I don't even know how many times they've raped me, but I was feeling sore and exhausted. I didn't fight them anymore, I just lay there and waited for them to be done. I prayed that they would kill me after they're done. He slapped me across my face, but I only cried. I had no will inside me to fight and it angered them. My body was numb, I didn't feel anything. James plunged harder and faster and tried to go deeper and I screamed out Jake's name. He slapped me again and I only whimpered now. I turned my head away so I wouldn't see James' face hovering over mine. I stared to where Jake was lying. He moved and my heartbeat picked up. I couldn't see what he was doing but the next thing he jumped up and ran towards us "Nooooo, you bastard," he shouted, but James didn't even look up. Laurent came from the side and kicked him down. He kept kicking Jake and I wanted to beg him to stop. James was grinning and it felt like he was getting more excited. Violence turns him on and I felt sick to my stomach. Jake rolled over to look at me and I felt so ashamed. He has to witness them raping me and I could see the pain in his eyes. I tried to say something to him, but no words came out only whimpering. Jake started crying and I felt my own tears fall. I wanted to be strong for him so they won't hurt him anymore. "No need to watch from the back, we've got you front row tickets," Laurent whispered into his ear and made Jake sit on his knees right in front of me. Jake tried to lie down but Laurent grabbed him by his hair and held his head in place. I saw the hurt in Jakes eyes and I wanted to die right there. I hate that he is in so much pain. Raw sobs escaped his throat and the sound made my heart break. Jake reached for my hand and I tried to stretch my hand to his but Laurent pulled his arms back. "Baby, look at me, I love you okay" Jake said. New tears formed in my eyes and my heart pounded painfully against my chest. I nodded and felt sick when James' body collapsed on top of mine. His warm breath against my neck made me nauseous and when he pulled himself out of me my stomach turned.
End of dream/flashback.
"Jake!" I screamed out and gasped for air.
Edwards POV
I woke up when I felt Bella's restlessness. Her head turned sideways and I felt her back arch. Her body shivered and I knew she was having a bad dream. I pulled her towards my body and my heart froze when she screamed out Jake's name.
"Jake!" she screamed out and gasped for air.
I instantly pulled away from her and she cried out in pain. My heart longed to touch her and pull her into my arms, but it's not me she wanted, she wants Jake. I can't compete with that.
"Edward," she whispered and switched on the bedside lamp. Her face was wet and agony filled her eyes. She tried to reach for me but I moved further away. I saw the hurt expression on her face, but hardened my heart against it.
"I'm sorry," she said and I felt so frustrated.
"Please don't apologize for your feelings Bella. You can't help what you're feeling and you can't control your dreams." I whispered, my heart aching for her.
"I'm the one that's sorry. I shouldn't have stayed here with you tonight. I can't compete with Jake and I'm sure as hell not going to try. You don't want me, that's fine, but I'm not going to stand in his fucking shadow." I said and stormed out of her room. I'll never expose myself like that again. I'll only be her friend and nothing more.
I crawled into my bed and lay on my back. My heart is aching and it's so painful. I never wanted to feel this pain again. I don't even understand what the hell's going on, I've known her for four days and I can't get her out of my mind or out of my heart.
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