AN: Heaps of gratitude to those reviewing and reading this story. There is more to come as i am currently in chapter 12, which is not yet the end of the story. I am diligently trying to keep ahead of my posting schedule. I believe I'm on the last leg of this journey, but we will see where the muse faeries take us. The lovely Mrs. Hughes has decided another appearance is in order. Thanks again!

Ch 10

Anna bolted upright in bed and felt her heart racing in her chest. The nightmare had been vivid. Images of Green assaulting her intermixed with images of John beating the man to death and hanging from the gallows. Unsure of why these images came to her now, when things between her and John improved every day, she muttered to John that she didn't remember much and would talk to him later. It was close enough to their appointed waking time that they both decided to get up and get ready for the day. It had been a month and a half since her flashback in the boot room and until today nothing had surfaced of the past.

She saw John's concern, but brushed it away telling him she was fine and assured him they would talk later when they had enough time to deal with it. As the day went on, she started to get annoyed with his fretting. He hadn't said anything to her as she wouldn't stop long enough for him to question her, but the looks he was giving her said plenty. An uneasiness was growing in her mind and she wanted to get a handle on it before she spoke to John about it. It made her nervous and she feared that she might lose all the progress she had gained if she spoke about it before she was in control of it. She was pondering the source of her discontent as she moved down the hallway when she was suddenly swept into a room and heard the door close behind her.

She registered John's presence and met him with anger rather than the fear that rose up for a few seconds until she was able to comprehend the situation.

"What's the meaning of this, John?"

The tone of her voice wounded him, but she didn't care at this point.

"There's been something off with you all day, my love. If I didn't know better, I would think that you were avoiding me again. I'm concerned. I just want to help."

"Well I'm fine. I've been doing my work and I need to get back to it."

She pulled against him when he reached out and held her arm lightly to stop her.

"Leave me alone!"

She watched as he let go of her, as if her skin had burned him. His face registered horror like he had hurt her, then defeat as he realized she wouldn't talk to him. She stood silently as he grabbed his cane, looked at her with concern marring his features, and left the room. When she heard the door click shut, her anger evaporated and was immediately replaced by regret. Her heart broke open as she sat down on the chair in the room and sobbed, finally relenting to the emotions swirling within her.

DA – DA – DA

John was worried about his wife. He heard her crying after he shut the door, but he was afraid of making things worse if he went back in. As fast as his feet could carry him, he went looking for Mrs. Hughes. Fortunately for him, she was ahead of him in the corridor.

"Mrs. Hughes, can you come here for a moment?"

He saw the concern on her face and knew it was probably the frantic look he had on his own causing her to worry.

"Anna had a nightmare this morning. She wouldn't speak of it and has been preoccupied all day. I took her into a room to try and talk to her, but I'm afraid I made her mad. Do you mind checking on her? She started crying a few moments after I left."

His voice registered the defeat he felt, but knew that he could whole heartedly trust Mrs. Hughes. He didn't have to put on a front for her and after this encounter with Anna, he didn't have the strength to even try.

"Of course. Where is she?"

He pointed to the room and thanked her as he heard Mr. Carson call him. Apparently, Lord Grantham needed to see him about something. Sighing, he took leave of Carson and went to see Lord Grantham.

DA – DA – DA

Anna heard the door to the room open and hoped that John had come back, but he hadn't. The tears had faded into a few sniffles. Mrs. Hughes pulled a chair next to her and took her hands.

"Anna, what's wrong dear? What's happened?"

"It's me. It's always me. I don't know how he endures it."

"Endures what, Anna?"

"Me! My mood swings. My sharp and sometimes hateful words. My hiding from him. My deception. My lies. All of it. Why does stay? I'm no better than that evil harpy of a woman he married. Surely he's mentioned at least some of this to you."

"No, no he hasn't. He came to me the one time to make me tell him what happened to you. I've never seen him like that. He is a big man, but so reserved and genteel that I never thought to be afraid of him. That night he came to me, he was completely different. I could see the soldier in him. The man who had been trained to kill and had done so on a field of battle. The man who wouldn't take no for an answer. Don't mistake me, I wasn't afraid that he would harm me or you, but I knew that he would do anything to get answers and part of that was using his bearing to frighten me."

"He was embarrassed about doing that to you. We talked about it at length. How desperate he felt. How terrified he was that he was losing me."

"He loves you, Anna, with his whole heart. That's why he endures, when others would have left. That's why he tried to spare you in the beginning. Now tell me what this is about, hmm?"

"You saw how I treated him after the rape. Everyone saw. When I moved home it didn't change much."

She saw the surprise register on the housekeeper's face and knew that he had never mentioned her mood swings or anything else once she moved home. The depth of the suffering he endured alone was staggering.

"He never said anything, Anna. I watched him and he seemed happy and content to have you home. I assumed that things improved rapidly after that."

"No, he confided in no one. He lost me. He lost his mother. He would never burden Lord Grantham with a personal issue that he didn't need his Lordship to be involved in. He had no one. When I first came back I wouldn't let him near me unless I needed it from him, mostly to be touching his hand or his chest after a nightmare. He learned to avoid touching me, even if it meant something as small as brushing fingers when he passed me a cup. He rarely slept, early on because of all my nightmares. When I finally told him everything, the nightmares slowly disappeared for me and I was able to sleep again. He was tormented by his own demons and more often than not I would wake alone. I was mad at him for not talking to me. Not wanting me. Not telling me what bothered him so much that he rarely slept. I was very cold to him at first and then I felt numb. Indifferent to what he felt. Unaware of what he was going through. Unable to be a wife to him in any way. I didn't do anything for him. He did everything at the cottage, made every suggestion to go somewhere, and always gave me what I needed. Anything I asked he gave me, except a divorce."

Her eyes remained glued to the floor. She was overwhelmed with shame at how she treated John, but also it felt good to own up to her actions and not be on this pedestal everyone seems to put her on.

"Surely it wasn't as bad as you make it sound."

"It was. Probably worse. He never faltered and got angry with me, well except for the divorce. He was irate that I would suggest it. Perhaps he did get upset and I didn't notice, though I doubt it. He had the patience of Job. He set aside his desire, his needs, his wants and his pride to cater to my every whim. For months on end this went on until I woke up one night, alone again. I was angry and frustrated. I made up my mind that this had to stop and confronted him. I had to do it. I had to show him that I was healed and ready to move forward with him. He would never force that on me. And I did. We talked and confessed and reconnected on every level. He forgave me and reassured me of his love and desire. He asked me to help him by reassuring him during more intimate activities, given what happened. Of course, I readily agreed and then at the worst possible moment I forgot myself and snapped at him. He deserved to be angry, but instead just told me he was sorry and went downstairs. He didn't do anything wrong!"

She heaved a sigh and tears started building again as she recalled his defeat. Her mind drifted to the scene in the kitchen where she figured out he was considering leaving her.

"He was going to leave me, you know."

"Certainly not! Why would you say such a thing? He adores you."

"He does and he can't bear to see me unhappy. After I snapped at him, his mind started to process everything and he came to the conclusion that he wasn't able to make me happy. That I was becoming this awful person I didn't want to be because of him. That someone who didn't know what happened to me would be able to fulfill the needs he couldn't. I tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldn't listen so I forced him to promise me he would stay."

They both chuckled, knowing that he would do just about anything for her.

"So how did you get to this point?"

"Oh, Mrs. Hughes, I just don't know. After the scene in the boot room everything was fine. I had a nightmare this morning and John has been after me all day with those concerned looks of his. He finally pulled me in here and I just let him have it. I turned to leave and he took my arm to stop me, without any force I might add, and I screamed at him to leave me alone. He dropped my arm and left, which is when I imagine he went to find you."

"Not quite, my dear. He lingered outside the door and heard you crying. He told me of the nightmare, your preoccupation, and his concern. He mentioned that he pulled you in the room and upset you. He was afraid of making it worse, so he didn't go back in and asked me to look in on you. I didn't understand his reluctance to return to you when he told me, but I do now. What you have told me explains a great deal of what I have seen and haven't seen with respect to Mr. Bates."

Anna felt Mrs. Hughes' eyes on her and reluctantly met her gaze.

"Now, why don't you tell me what happened after the boot room a few weeks ago."

"Well, after I calmed down and fetched Thomas to help Mr. Bates up off the floor, we went home. Once we were far enough away from the Abbey, I told him what had happened and what triggered it. We discussed it more at home and he explained why that kind of thing would happen. I fell asleep next to him while he had the ice on his leg. He went to work. I stayed home and relaxed as he told me and that was it, until this morning."

While she was still confused, she could see understanding dawning in Mrs. Hughes.

"Why didn't you talk to Mr. Bates this morning?"

"I told myself and him it was because there wasn't enough time, but I was scared. Scared of going back to the way I was. Scared of what I saw in the dream. Scared of making John feel guilty. In my dream, I was reliving the attack. But at some point I also started to see images of John beating that man to death and images of him swinging from a rope. I woke up terrified and I didn't know how to tell John what I dreamed of. The unease in my mind loomed larger throughout the day. John knew. He always knows, but I dismissed his concerns at every turn and when he confronted me I lashed out."

Anna started crying again and took the handkerchief Mrs. Hughes held out for her.

"I don't want to be this way anymore. I don't want to hurt him anymore. He doesn't deserve this."

"No, no he doesn't, but he loves you and will endure this. Do you know why today went so wrong?"

She shook her head. She was so confused and ashamed, she couldn't really think clearly.

"I believe that things went so badly today because you didn't talk to him about what happened. You told me that when you told him everything, your nightmares went away. When you spoke to him about what happened in the boot room nothing further troubled you."

She nodded, waiting for the housekeeper to continue.

"But this morning, you didn't tell him. You fell into the same pattern as before, trying to protect him by keeping it all inside. I'm afraid you aren't as adept as your husband at bottling things up. You never have been. And when you do, it seems that you lash out at him when his attention makes you feel unworthy or undeserving."

Suddenly, everything made sense. She should have seen it, but it didn't matter now. All that mattered was that she knew how to fix this. It wouldn't be perfect, but it would help matters greatly.

"Thank you, Mrs. Hughes, for everything."

"You're welcome, my dear. Now go find that stubborn, brooding husband of yours and talk to him!"

Anna bounded out the door in search of John. When she finally came across Mr. Carson in the servants' hall, he told her John had gone home and he would be back later. Knowing she had leave from Mrs. Hughes she set off quickly home to find John and apologize to him.