Sheldon Swifties LIX: "The X-Advisors…"
Summary: Like my Immortal Beloved bits in my Buffyverse stories, these are fragments and short bits, some longer…Just to fiddle with ideas, possibly forming longer tales later.
Disclaimer: All is Chuck's…
Part X…
Amy again with band…The band's vocalist taking it first…
"You're sure you've got it?" Amy, anxiously.
"I'm sure, Doc…" the vocalist smiled kindly. Nod to bandleader…
Music…The band playing in slow, mellow jazz style…
"Sooofffttt…Kitty…Ooooh, warm…So warm…Kitty…" pause… "Little ball…of fur…."
"Oh…Slllleeepppy kitty…Ooooh…Haaaappy kitty…Purr…Oooh, purr…Purr…"
Breakdown…Amy taking lead…
"Sooooofffttt…Kitty…My soft kity…My warm, so warm kitty…" Caressing microphone…As Bernadette holds phone close… "Little…Ball…Of…Fur…"
Whoa…Raj staring…Howard with Penny, Raj, and Lucy, standing by the group about President Siebert, staring with the group…
That be one soft jazz kitten…Raj noted to Lucy.
Stare at audience… "Sleeepy kitty, happy kitty…Purr…Purr…" Growl, shake of head…
Howard and Raj staring from their respective spots…
"Now I feel what it's like to be God…" Raj noted to Lucy, rub of hands with a bit of the dramatic in tone, grin. "Or at least Frankenstein…"
She eyed him…
"Well, ok…We didn't assemble her for Sheldon from body parts…" he shrugged. "But…"
"…Purr…Oh, purr…Purr…Puuurrrrr…Meow…." Amy posing seductively.
"And that is definitely a kweepwer for my facebook pwage…" Kripke, lowering smart phone, notes. "With pwerhaps a bit of cwreative editing as to clothes."
"Hey…" Raj glared. "This is my adoptive American sister here, you little creep." Kripke, shrugging, heading back into the group around the Steins and President Siebert as Raj frowned, Lucy joining in frown, hand clasping his. Howard beside Penny, still posted on the edge of the group, tracking the Steins…Bernadette occasionally giving glance to keep him on said edge…
Dr. Francis, keeping his distance from the Steins on the opposite side of Siebert's train…Kindly nodding to an eager grad student asking about his upcoming advanced seminar…
Sure to be his finest pupil one day…He encouragingly told the young woman, glancing over at Amy now anxiously addressing herself to the phone.
"Sheldon? Sheldon, did you like it?" Amy urgently to Bernadette's phone…
"Oh, he liked it!" she cried, a few tears of joy...Bernadette beaming…
"What, Sheldon? Really?!"
"He wants it one more time!" she happily. Bernadette nodding approval.
"What? You'd like it the right way this time?" stare…
"Just how much did Leonard pay in 'support' to these guys to get them to let Amy sing with them?" Penny eyed Howard, low voice.
"Enough that they're backing her up on 'Soft Kitty'…" Howard noted, shrugging.
"Ok…That stops right now. Well, after Amy's all through 'Soft Kitty'. The Hofstadters support the arts but there are limits." Penny, sternly.
This from the artistic member of our merry band who's been hitting us up for free meals and accepting loans…And 'loans'…For years…Howard hissed to Raj. Now, she's suddenly budget conscious…
Uh…He blanched at Penny's dark look…
"Conscious of Leonard's budget…" Raj grinned, not seeing until too…Oops…
I think my mutism may be back, he eyed Penny's glare.
"Hey, Amy…" she hurriedly stepped over to Amy where she stood by the band… "I'll show you how… Taking phone… 'Soft Kitty. Warm kitty…'"
Susan across the room, seeming to instinctive sense, rather than actually hear…
Someone singing Soft Kitty…The right way?
"Ok, bestie, thanks…" Amy, repressing urge to grab phone…
"…Little ball of fur…"
"Thanks. I got it!" annoyed tone…
Penny a bit startled by the sudden grab…
"Uh…Sleepy kitty, happy kitty…" Amy, gently…
"What? What did I do?" Penny to Bernadette's frown… "Sheldon likes how I sing 'Soft Kitty'…"
"Would you want Amy to start singing 40s swing to Leonard, in that dress? Or dancing with him, maybe?" Bernadette frowned. "Just what is up with you and Sheldon and 'Soft Kitty', anyway?
Ummn…
Well…It's our song…Penny did not say…
And…No…I wouldn't…
Leonard likes 40s swing and dancing…And Amy is looking just a little too…
Oh…I get it, she blanched. Looking Amyward.
"…Purr, purr, purr…" Amy paused. "Is that…? Sheldon?" puzzled…"Sheldon? What is that? Were you recording me?…Wait. Is that someone on the other line?" frown…"…singing…?!" furious glance first to Penny who stared…
What?
Then…
Jesus…Penny blanched at Amy's enraged look across the room…Raj looking as well…Krishna, it's Shiva the Destroyer, come to life…
"She's very…Angry at someone?" Lucy, nervously. "It's not me, is it?"
"No. Not you…" Howard, staring over to where Susan Stein was currently singing into her own phone. Barry Kripke watching, frowning…Yet rather…
Just like that scene in "Las Vegas, a Ho Whoa II." where she sang…Though with clothes it's less effective…
Grimly icy… "Ok. Thank you..Dr. Stein, that was…Nice. Sheldon…I want you to say good night, hang up, and go to sleep…Now." Amy, to her phone…Clenching teeth as she spoke. "You need…Your rest. Now."
I think she's going to break that phone in a moment, Bernadette thought, staring.
Scared, really, really scared…Lucy hissed to Raj…
Me, too…He hissed back… "But we need to support Amy in her time of extreme wrath…Lest the blood on her hands be on our heads. She won't hurt us…I hope."
Ok…Lucy sighed.
Geesh, making new friends and having a lover is hard.
…
Uh, oh…Leonard, at Sheldon's bedside, staring as Sheldon hurriedly mumbled good night, thanks…Ladies? And closed his phone…
Soft Kitty…The Sheldonian way…This sounds like trouble, Hofstadter.
And trouble, when it's for someone else, is always entertaining…Grin.
Though, no…I suppose I don't want trouble for Sheldon and Amy…
Though I do want details…He settled back…
"Ok, you've had 'Soft Kitty' in multiple forms…" he began.
"Can't talk. Amy ordered me to go to…" Sheldon lay back…
"Sheldon!"
"But you heard…Goodnight, Leonard…" Covering head with sheet…
"Either you keep your word to tell me everything or I'm calling Amy this very moment…And given that she just heard your old girlfriend singing 'Soft Kitty' in authentic Sheldonian style…"
"Oh…Fine…" sigh, sitting up… "Well…It was a warm summer night…"
"Oh, we're going back to Greece again? I don't need your lecture in basic Physics."
"Debatable, but no…It was a warm summer night in Austin, Texas…"
"Oh…Really?" Leonard pulled closer… "Go on, please…" eagerly…
Buzz of phone…
"My phone, gotta answer…" Sheldon noted…Leonard sighing…
"Oh…" gulp. "Oh, hello, Susan."
Leonard on edge of seat…
What the…?!
"Uh, yes…It was a very nice rendition…Amy's was very good, too…What? Oh, much better…What?" panicky blinking…Pleading glance to Leonard…
"What?!" he hissed.
"She wants to come over!..." harsh whisper…
"No! No, no, no…!" Leonard waving arms.
"Leonard says no, no, no…Sorry. What? Oh, he's my roommate. Yes, the hobbity little guy you saw there earlier…"
Hmmn…? Leonard stared.
Is that good hobbity as in Elijah Wood cute? Or hobbity as in pathetic little guy…?
Of course, not important…Me being engaged and all…
Yep, that part of the life of the playa Leo…The ex-playa…Is over…
Sorry, ladies…The Hof is chained to the ball..And chain…
…..
"Where did she go?" Amy, frowning as she rejoined the others near Siebert's grand parade…
"Amy, that was…" Penny began…
"Yeah, yeah, I'm in as the new 'Soft Kitty' girl…Now where did Dr. Stein go?"
"Howard was keeping an eye on her…Within permissible limits…" Bernadette noted.
Hmmn…And come to speak of it…Where's Howard, now?…She looked nervously about.
"Dr. Stein, male, is still with Siebert…" Raj, puzzled. "You think maybe she needed to tinkle or something? She sure disappeared fast."
"She's up to something…" Amy shook head… "Oh, Dr. Francis warned me. But Howard's still on her case?"
"He better not be!" Bernadette, anxious… "Uh, well…I hope he's still keeping track. Let me see if I can call…" Buzz before she could pull phone…
Ah…That's my boy…She contentedly eyed the live video he was sending…From a safe distance, of Dr. Stein, now in the restroom corridor, away from most prying eyes, on phone, talking eagerly.
"Let me see that…" Amy peered. "Oh, that witch! She's seducing my fiancée!" She turned…
"Amy…" Penny urged. "It's just a phone call…"
"Just a phone call?! I'm not a fool! She softkittyed him and now she's following up with old tales of their days together, then…The Physicist of Porn really struts her stuff! Oh, I'm putting her paralyzed body in a box marked 'bound for Bangkok' right now!" Amy, furious.
She knows a surprising lot about the modern porn industry, Raj thought…
"Amy, calm down…" Penny insisted. "This isn't the way…"
"Right…" scornful tone… "Miss…'Oh, I'm not concerned about that scheming little…Lawyer'…" she eyed Raj… "'…from India…' then it's 'she's goin' down…'"
"Sorry…" she gave Raj sheepish look. Raj shrugging…Well, Priya does do the scheme thing a bit…
"Ok…Ok…" Penny, soothingly. "You're absolutely right, Amy. I was terrible…And you don't want to repeat my mistake."
"What mistake? She's out and you're in like Flynn. Score one for paranoia and stalking with friends."
"So…You were a spy that night…I thought so…" Raj, to Bernadette, shrewdly. She looking embarrassed.
"They made me…I was a nice girl till I hooked up with them." She insisted, nervous glance to Lucy as well. Lucy eyeing Raj…
"Amy, you can't go over and whatever you're saying you'll do to one of Cal Tech's guests of honor…" Penny, sighing.
Amy, narrow glance…"Oh. I get it. The future Mrs. Dr. Hofstadter would be 'embarrassed' if her bestie were caught neutrally paralyzing and kidnapping her rival. We can't have our hubby's career put in jeopardy, can we?"
Uh…Well, actually…I was kinda considering that…Penny thought, sheepishly. As Bernadette blinked…
I mean…The Hofstadter name's kinda in my care now…And if my lil' honey is ever gonna be whatever they call Dr. Gablehauser? Chairman of the department?
President of Cal Tech…? Faint smile…
On the other hand, a little scandal impugning the family name of a potential rival like Sheldon wouldn't be so…No, what am I doin'?! Penny blinked…Sighing…
"Amy, honestly…If you think she's puttin' the moves on Sheldon, I'll help you take her out…" pause to Amy's eager look. "In a non-violent manner of speakin'…But not here and not without really seein' if this is really something to be upset about. I mean…" she eyed her. "You trust Sheldon, don't you?"
Amy, frown…Then sigh…Sad look… "I said I did…Just a half hour ago…I guess you're right, Penny." Wan look. "I'm just so frightened…She's so pretty…And they have history."
"Sheldon loves you, Amy." Bernadette, decisively. "He's not a guy to chasing after women…Trains, maybe…But not women."
"Gee…That makes me feel better…" Amy, eyeing her. Vague growl of chuckle… "I'm kidding…" faint smile. "Ok, guys. I won't do the nerve pinch…Yet…Here…" grin. "After all, Sheldon would want to see me as a Vulcan." Genuine grin.
"So what do I do?" sigh…
"First, we join Howard and get a eye on that skank…" Penny smiled.
Definitely join Howard, Bernadette, eagerly.
"Raj? Can you and Lucy hold the fort here till the party's over? Watch if Susan rejoins the group? Or her dad?" Penny addressed him.
"Oui, mon captaine…" he nodded. "But keep us informed." Lucy nodding eagerly.
"We'll check in periodically. We might need you later anyhow…She's bigger than I am." Penny noted.
Lucy, shyly smiling at the accolade…
So when our gang needs a little extra "muscle"...
"After all, I never said we wouldn't ship her off to wherever you said…Later…" Penny eyed Amy, smiling.
"Hello, ladies…Dr. Koothrapali…" Dr. Stein had come over while they talked…Looking a bit concerned.
"Have you seen my daughter? I think she was worried about Dr. Cooper and wanted to check with you, Dr. Fowler?" Stein eyed Amy.
"Oh?" Amy, affecting nonchalance…
"She didn't come to speak to you?"
"I haven't spoken to her in a little while…She did ask briefly about Sheldon. But, I've no idea where she headed off afterwards."
"All right…" Stein sighed. "Well, thank you…" smile… "You are a truly astonishing woman, Amy…Sheldon is very lucky…You remind me of your grandmother so very much." Warm smile. "If any of you do see Susan, please tell her I'm looking for her?" Kindly nod. He headed back toward Siebert's group. The party now just beginning to break up.
"Damn, girl…" Penny eyed Amy. "You're the one who belongs in the spy game. Cool as a cucumber, that's you."
"I was warned about Dr. Stein…" Amy, a bit distracted…
Lying not coming naturally to her, except in cases of Sheldonian urgency…
"About Dr. Stein? Frankenstein, not the daughter?" Penny, puzzled. Looking over to where Dr. Stein was now politely offering his good night to President Siebert and Dr. Gablehauser and other faculty…"What, did Sheldon say something?"
"Dr. Francis, earlier…Penny, lets go execute your plan." Impatient insistence. "I can't wait here, not knowing if Susan Stein hasn't already tried to cast her net for Sheldon. She could be on her way over there now…I'm sure she was calling him in Howard's video."
"Ok, fine…" Penny, soothing hand up… "Lets go. But look, why don't you call Sheldon while we head to Howard?"
"Yeah…" Uh…Amy, hesitating with phone in hand… "You don't think he'll think I don't trust him? Cause I do trust him…"
"Of course you do…" Penny nodded sagely. "It's just, knowing he's a guy…Even if a Sheldon guy…He's likely to do something stupid that will ruin your relationship. Just tell him something about how worried you are about him and slip in a question or two about what the hell that woman was doing softkittying him. Unlike me, a dear and utterly trustworthy friend.." she added, hastily.
"You mean lie to him…" Amy sighed, eyeing the phone. Bernadette, glancing to Penny…
Oh…This den of Pasadenian iniquity…
"Amy…" Penny shook her head… "Dear, sweet Amy…If you're really going to have a lasting, solid relationship with Sheldon Cooper or any guy. You're going to be learning how to lie. Trust me."
"How do I know that's not a lie… 'Trust me'…?" Amy, shrewdly.
"That's the way, girl." Penny smiled. Amy, careful frown…Bernadette, distressed.
"I don't want to be that way, Penny… I don't want to become someone who lies to her beloved. Outside of getting him to stop his idiotic behavior tics from time to time for his own good, of course…Or to her friends. Don't say you want me that way…?" Pleading look. Bernadette eyeing her as well…
Oh…Penny eyed the sad face… Oh, she's right…When my best friend in this world besides my hobbity one is right, she's right.
"No…No, Amy…I don't…Forget everything I said. It's wrong."
Narrow look… "It's this California…I never lied before I came…But here, in this business of mine…Acting and all…"
Amy eyeing her…Bernadette eyeing her…
Really? Both, hard stare…
"Ok…" Penny shrugged. "That's a lie too…I lied all the time in Nebraska. Oh, I'm the worst person to have as a bestie, bestie."
"No…It's ok, Penny." Amy, patting her… "I know you only lie because you're afraid of losing people…Wanting them to like you. But lets promise not to lie to each other and our honeys, ok?"
"Yeah…" Penny beamed…
"Yeah…" Bernadette nodded, much relieved…
Uh… "Could we make that '…to each other', guys?" Penny, sheepishly "…I may still have to tell Leonard a little, teenie-weeny lie or two over time. Just to make things easier for him about my old guys and such…And about my credit…And my family…And…"
"Yeah, you better." Amy nodded. "We'll keep it between us. Right, Bernadette?"
"I suppose once in while I will have to fudge the truth a little to Howie…About his mom, at least…" sigh. "Sure…" nod.
"I won't lie on anything big or important to Leonard…Please say you believe that…?" Penny, to both…
"Of course…" "Sure…" warm smile, nod…
Amy immediately giving her a narrow look…
"You do understand you are never softkittying Sheldon again without my permission and my presence…And only because my vocals are shot due to illness or surgery?"
"Understood…" sigh…
No more Kitty for Penny?...Oh…
Well, I can sing it to Leonard now…She thought, pleased at the notion…Hmmn, she eyed the band, now packing up…
Really shoulda gotten that jazzed version…Leonard'd appreciate that.
Me lil' future President of Cal Tech…
Heck, Sheldon would never want the job anyway…She followed Amy and Bernadette, Bernadette nearly as antsy to reach Howard quickly now as Amy …
Hmmn…Howard…Penny pondered…
Nah, they'd never put him in…
Though Rajesh, now…There's a definite challenger, now that he can speak to the female students and faculty. Heck his mummy and daddy could buy the place as a wedding present if they ever get reconciled to Lucy…
Aw, geesh, what am I doin'?...She hurried after the others…
….
"So?" Leonard eyed Sheldon as he put down phone.
"She says she'll see me tomorrow. Make sure the front door is double locked. Until Amy gives her special knock…" Sheldon insisted.
"Special knock…?"
"Three fast raps…One 'Sheldon'…Then four fast raps…Then two 'Sheldon's…"
"Wait…Amy is coming over now?" Leonard stared.
"We're engaged…Grow up, Leonard."
"Fine…" frown. "Now as to that warm summer night in Austin, Texas…And Dr. Stein being your first…Dungeons and dragons coplayer?" Leonard, a bit archly.
"Very funny…But I played with Meemaw and Pawpaw…And they even got my sister Missy to play…"
"Ok, fine…But…? 'It was a warm summer night…?'" Leonard pulled chair in again, leaning forward.
"My God, you have a relish for the sordid gossip, Leonard…My Meemaw'll put you with the chatterbox ladies, as she calls some ladies at her senior center. 'Cause they love to chatter…"
" 'Hello, Amy…I wanted to tell you…Something…'" Leonard mimicked holding a phone to head.
"…I'd just lost Dr. Brown…" sigh… "My best friend…The one man who could 'advise' me…"
"Oh, right…Before Frankenstein, Doc Brown was in charge of the Sheldon monster…" Leonard grinned.
"Sorry…" he put up a hand at Sheldon's genuine look of annoyance… "I know Dr. Brown meant a lot to you. So, you were feeling kinda low and not happy with a new adviser…"
"I suppose I can't blame Dr. Stein…He tried to befriend me. He even came to my room in off-campus housing…I could not live in those dorms…When I hadn't come out except for my classes for a few weeks. He said Missy had come by and was worried and he made me come over to his house for dinner and told me I was taking his daughter Susan to the movies."
"Forced to date Susan Stein…A nightmare…So it was your first date…?"
"With nonfamily…Mom made me take my cousin Eleanor to the store once."
"I see…So…" eager lean forward… "Not the first…Date…?"
"You're really quite the two year old regards scandal, aren't you?" Sheldon, sour look. "You know you say you hate watching that 'Scandal' show with Penny but I think you're the one who actually likes it."
"Did Penny tell you that? I just admire it for the quality of the writing…"
"Oh, please…"
"Well, come on then…Remember, Meemaw says confession's good for the soul…" high-minded tone.
"Fine…We went to the movies…Terrible film, something about romance…But Susan did surprise me. She was reasonably intelligent and even knew some physics, from her father. But she wasn't happy, either…Her parents had split up and she was angry at her father."
"Yeah, they say that sorta thing can bring two people together…So…?"
Sheldon, rolling eyes… "What is it with you, Hofstadter? You know Penny loves you too much to ever think it but you're the Capt Kirk of our little Enterprise crew, not Wolowitz."
Really? Eager beam…
"Not in things paintball or involving organizational strategy, God knows…But when we need a randy little fellow who's ready to see an extra girl on the side, call on Hofstadter."
"Sheldon." Frown. "That's…Well, it could be worse." Grin… Frown again…"Come on, I'm not that bad. I'd never hurt Penny, you're being unfair…After all, I'm not the one who gave it away…" grin…
Glare…
"Ok…" Leonard put up a hand… "Sorry. But you were being unfair, a little…With that Kirk thing."
"And you loved it…" Sheldon frowned.
"Well…Just a little…Come on, Sheldon. For a few years in my otherwise utterly geekish existence I actually on a few occasions managed to get a great girl to see me…Well, to see me."
"All the girls see you Leonard." Sheldon shook his head. "You just lacked confidence…You can say 'thank you, Sheldon' now."
"For what?"
"How sharper than a serpent's tooth is an ungrateful apprentice in the social graces..."
"Say what?" Leonard stared…
Sheldon, arch stare…"Leonard. Need I point out that your success with women began under my care…That your first long-term relationships coalesced within the magic of my benevolent, if barely detectable guidance, that your hopefully, at last, crystallized, roller coaster of a journey to what may be a solid and lasting partnership with the woman who truly needs you most of all women in this world was nurtured, cherished, and brought to fruition by me. I have had your rather frail back all these years and it has been one long and weary journey, brother. But…" benevolent nod. "You and Penny are welcome…Just don't screw up it now that I've got my own heart to tend to…"
"Oh…Excuse me, what?!" Leonard, stunned…
"The training wheels are off, Hofstadter…You are out of my nest…Now, fly…And be good to your mate or Lord knows I'll hear it from Amy and have to deal with it. And I must say I am ready to lay my weary burden of carrying your heart down."
Unnnh… "Sheldon." Sigh at the expectant face… "Never mind. Just go on…"
"Right then…" nod. "It was a warm summer night in Austin…"
"Sheldon!"
"I kissed her. I liked it. There…Now you know…" downcast stare… "Susan Stein was the first girl I ever enjoyed kissing…Leonard, you can't tell Amy. She can't know I've kept this from her."
Leonard staring…
"Oh…I see. Well, sure…Your guilty secret is safe with…Sheldon?! That's it? You kissed her when you were thirteen and you liked it?"
"She did too, obviously…" sly grin…
Hmmn…Point there…
"And there is the fact that I said I would marry her when we grew up if she hadn't found anyone else…Though she probably would, I told her. I was quite the cynic at thirteen. But she swore she wouldn't and she'd prove it to me…And I swore if she did…On Pawpaw's soul…On Pawpaw's soul, Leonard." Genuinely distressed look… "And now…Here she is, come to collect…"
"Sheldon…Buddy…Look…It's not really that big a deal." Leonard patted him. "I mean…Susan Stein? She's been a porn star for crying out loud."
"Oh, for Heaven's sake…" Sheldon glared, fuming…Leonard pulling back in his seat… "That's just sex…I'm talking real feeling and commitments here. Really, I know your mother was a bit insane and abusive and I've done what I could to repair the emotional damage…"
"You have…?"
"…But sometimes I can't help feeling she's absolutely right about you and this shallow obsession with sex…You know I have to wonder if you're really ready to help Penny as a soulmate and partner, Leonard."
"...repair the what?" Leonard stared.