Chapter 10: You Dirty Rat
In an old abandoned laboratory on the outskirts of San Francisco, the Lei Team was doing a probe of the place after hearing that a talisman was hidden somewhere in the labyrinth of the laboratory.
"I wonder what they expiremented on in this old place," mused Raven.
"I don't know, and don't want to know, I'm afraid I'll be mutated in some horrific by simply touching something here," answered Asuka.
"I can see why the rat talisman would be hidden in here, I have no idea where all these lab rats hide their junk," remarked Lei.
Just then Ganryu accidentally knocked over a beaker with some strange chemical inside. As the chemical spilled on the desk, a loud hissing noise began to emit as the sick purple liquid dissolved the redwood the desk was made out of. Lei looked at the desk and amongst all the clutter of papers and moldy leftovers and got a glance at a stone artifact with a picture of a rat painted in purple on it.
"Hey, I found the cheese at the end of the maze!" exclaimed Lei.
"Ai ya, don't compare talisman to cheese! Cheese make me constipated, and one more thing, talisman is not edible!" cried out Wang smacking Lei on the top of the head.
"Ok, don't have a heart attack," grumbled Lei as he put on some rubber gloves and grabbed the rat talisman out of the dingy desk.
"Now that we got we came for, let's go, before Ganryu breaks something else," suggested Xiaoyu.
"Hey, I resent that, I'm not a human wrecking ball," said Ganryu.
As Ganryu finished what he was saying, he backed right into a lit bunsen burner and the flame fell onto a stack of papers.
"Oh shit, run for it!" yelled Lei.
Without a moments hesitance, the Lei Team evacuated the old laboratory before the blaze took down the dilipidated building. After their escape, the Lei Team returned to the antique shop and most of them plopped down on nearby chairs and examined their new talisman.
"According to ancient literature, the rat talisman has power to bring inanimate objects to life," read Wang.
"Wow, that's pretty cool, we should try it out on something," suggested Xiaoyu.
"You're always so eager to play with the talismans, I thought some of the crap we've gone through would teach you a lesson but I think you have short term memory loss," commented Lei.
"Oh come on, what's the worst I could do with this?" asked Xiaoyu.
"Bring a wax sculpture of Hitler to life and have him try to start World War III," answered Asuka.
"Well besides that," replied Xiaoyu.
"Something really stupid," answered King.
"Oh yeah right," scoffed Xiaoyu, as she stretched her arms back, she pointed the talisman playfully at a wooden dummy in the corner of Wang's shop. A glowing white beam surged from the talisman and hit the dummy. A few seconds later, the dummy began to move, albeit slowly due to him not being used to being able to move.
"What the, hey, I'm alive, I'm like Pinocchio!" exclaimed the dummy.
"Ai ya, my wooden dummy is alive, I no want splinters all over shop!" cried out Wang.
"Hey dad, how are you," waved the dummy to Wang.
"HAHAHAHA, more like a grandpa if you ask me," remarked Lei.
"Yeah, I'm Mokujin, and I'm a real boy now!" chimed Mokujin.
"No, you still wooden dummy," answered Wang.
"Aw, I'm no dummy, I'm very smart, I can show you," piped Mokujin.
"Nah, it's all good, you aren't stupid, but you still are made of wood," responded Raven.
"Man, I'm hungry, I haven't eaten in a long time, hey that candy with the rat picture on it looks good," said Mokujin.
"No wait that's not..." gasped the Lei Team but before they could tell Mokujin what the talisman really was, the redwood rascal devoured the rock.
"Mmm, delicious, BURP!" commented Mokujin.
"Ai ya, you moron, you eat talisman, that very important artifact!" cried Wang.
"Oh I'm sorry," spoke Mokujin.
"Great, now we gotta find a way to get it out of him so we can take it back to Section 13," moaned Asuka.
"Say, how was I brought to life anyways?" inquired Mokujin.
"That talisman you ate has the power to bring inanimate objects to life," answered Ganryu.
"So if you guys take it out of me, I'll be just a stiff dummy again, screw that, I'm outta here!" yelled Mokujin as he barrelled through the Lei Team and ran out the door.
"Where's a lumberjack when you need one?" inquired Lei.
"Ai ya, we cannot sit around and hug trees, me must chase rolling log man and get talisman back!" yelled Wang.
Without any stalling, the Lei Team all ran out of the shop after Mokujin aiming to retrieve the rat talisman from the wayward wood man.
"Excuse me, have you seen a wooden dummy parading around the streets?" asked Raven.
"No, what are you high, get away from me you stoner freaks!" answered the man they asked.
"Pardon me, did you see a man that looked wooden anywhere?" questioned Ganryu.
"Are you off your rocker, great, this city has way too manynutcases," grumbled the woman Ganryu asked.
"Crap, I don't know if these people are blind or if the're just lying to us or what," moaned Lei.
"Speaking of crap, I need to use restroom, we find one now," ordered Wang.
"Can't you wait, what if we miss Mokujin because of your bathroom break?" said Asuka.
"You want me parade around with soiled pants and stink up area around you?" asked Wang.
"Ok viejo, we find you a restroom to use, then we resume what we're supposed to be doing ok," remarked King.
Immediately, the Lei Team ran inside a rather lavish looking hotel and upon storming into the lobby, the receptionist just gawked at the Lei Team.
"Eww, what are you ugly folk doing in here?" asked the receptionist in a snobby tone.
"Who the hell do you think you're calling ugly, I'm hotter than you are!" snapped Asuka.
"Uh, lady, I don't look at other girls like that," retorted the receptionist.
"Can I use your restroom?" asked Wang.
"Whatever for?" inquired the receptionist.
"I have to go take a dump real bad!" cried out Wang.
"Yeah, and we don't want him travelling with us with a load in his pants," added Xiaoyu.
"Fine then, I'll let your grandpa use it, after all, I've gone through that before and it isn't fun to deal with," said the receptionist.
As Wang ran to the nearby restroom, the hotel manager walked by, he was an American but looked to have Japanese blood as well. He had blonde hair and was quite fit, he was clad in a red blazer with black slacks and shoes.
"Greetings folks, I'm Ken Masters, the owner of the finest hotel in San Francisco, what brings you here today?" inquired Ken.
"We had to find a bathroom for one of our friends," answered Lei.
"Oh, that's all good,glad we could be of service to you," responded Ken.
As Wang came out of the bathroom, he was singing happily to himself feeling very relieved to have emptied his bowels.
"May we ask you one more thing Mr Masters?" asked King.
"Just call me Ken," replied Ken.
"Well Ken, have you seen a wooden dummy around these parts?" asked Lei.
"Whoa, I thought I was going nuts at first but you guys actually know about that,. Yeah I did see him here, he tried to check into a room here but didn't have any money," answered Ken.
"Oh, so he's been here, now to find where he went," replied Lei.
"If I remember correctly he said he was going someplace where he could get some wood," remarked Ken.
"Ha, he went to a strip club," piped Ganryu.
"No, not that kind of wood!" groaned Xiaoyu.
"Well, I saw him head off on a bus to Market street. He probably is going to hit up Market Street Cinema," stated Ken.
"Ok, so he did go to a strip club, well then, off we go,!" announced Lei.
"I'll come with you, I'd like to see how this plays out, plus I could stand to see some skin," chimed Ken.
With that, the Lei Team, along with Ken, hopped on the bus to Market Street and got off near an old building with picture of scantily clad females on the front and a giant flashing sign that said "Market Street Cinema." As they all got off the us they saw Mokujin pull out some cash and pay to get inside the strip joint. Unbeknownst to him, the Lei Team was hot on his trail.
"Ok we gotta get him without startling him that we're there, we'll sit away from him and make our move when the time is right," suggested Lei.
"Us guys will go in, Xiaoyu and Asuka, you should go undercover as strippers, that will provide a good distraction for him," added Raven.
"Hey now, why us?" asked Xiaoyu.
"Because we're hot and I think Mokujin would get some big wood from us," answered Asuka.
"She hit the nail right on the head," remarked King.
After the briefing, the males all paid money and entered the club while Xiaoyu and Asuka inquired about dancing on the stage, the bouncer took them back to the locker area where some of the strippers were getting ready to go out on stage. A black haired, yellow eyed, Asian looking female approached Asuka and Xiaoyu.
"Hey, you must be new here, I'm Li Mei, I've been here for quite a while, I'm mainly doing this to help me pay for school," said the woman.
"Hi, I'm Asuka, this is Xiaoyu, we're not really doing this for any reason, just for fun mainly," replied Asuka.
"Ah good, you get some good money for providing the customers some fun," commented Li Mei.
"Eww," thought Xiaoyu to herself.
"Li Mei, they're calling for you, get your ass out there and shake it," ordered another female, a Chinese girl with brown hair done up in two buns, she had quite a thick figure as well.
"So, what are you two really joining us for?" asked the Chinese brunette.
"We're trying to retrieve a talisman from a living wooden dummy that's out in the crowd before this organization called the Dark Hand gets him," answered Xiaoyu.
"The Dark Hand, they're also caught up with some illegal drug dealing and they've been getting their supply from the managers here, I'm still waiting to catch them in the act though, I'm Chun-Li from Interpol, I'm undercover as well," introduced Chun-Li.
"Well, there's not much cover in being a stripper, aren't you pretty much fully exposed out there?" asked Asuka.
"Yeah, but as a police officer, I must do what I have to in order to put wrongdoers behind bars," remarked Chun-Li.
"Now that's dedication to the job," commented Xiaoyu.
Outside on the main room, the Lei Team males along with Ken were sitting at a table enjoying the site of bare female flesh while keeping an eye on Mokujin.
"How long do we have to wait?" moaned Wang.
"Until Asuka or Xiaoyu gets on stage, while he's distracted by their hotness, we make our move," answered Ken.
"Ladies and gentlemen...ok just gentlemen, get ready to enjoy some big booty on an Asian cutie, give it up for the creamy Chun-Li!" said the DJ.
The song "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix A Lot began to play as Chun-Li came out and started dancing and stripping off her skimpy outfit.
"What! I know her, she's one of my best friends!" gasped Ken as he saw Chun-Li walk on stage.
"That's a hot friend you have Ken, I'd hit that," remarked Lei.
"Yeah, I admit, I would too," added Ken.
"And so would I," added Steve's voice from behind the,.
"Oh great, you guys, I can't even enjoy seeing a hot babe take it off without you dumb shits ruining it," groaned Ganryu.
"Well that's our job, to spoil fun and try and steal those talismans," remarked Hwoarang.
"Seagull defecates on freshly washed car!" yelled Paul.
"What are you doing here anyways?" asked King.
"Oh we were doing some business, but once we saw you here, we figured you had to have been looking for a talisman so we're going to cause trouble for you now," answered Lee.
"Uh guys, I forgot my crackpipe," said Dragunov.
"Vet muzzles dog!" shouted Paul smacking Dragunov for talking about crackpipes.
As Chun-Li saw the Dark Hand, she jumped off the stae and pulled a gun out from under one of the tables, and pointed it at Steve.
"Freeze, I'm from Interpol, you're under arrest!" yelled Chun-Li.
"Whoa, she's a cop, that's a suprise," gasped Li Mei who was nearby.
"And she gives me major wood," added Mokujin who walked over.
"Eek, a living dummy!" shrieked Li Mei as she ran off.
"Well, a hot naked cop with a gun, I know this is wrong, but I'm loving it," remarked Ken.
"Oh hey Ken, long time no see, we'll catch up later if you know what I mean, right now, we better take care of these drug mules," replied Chun-Li.
"We're not mules, we're human beings," cried Dragunov.
"Shut up Dragunov! But anyways, you think you can take us in, yeah right, we'll take care of you, and then take that talisman from the oak oaf," remarked Steve.
"Hey, I'm not oak, I'm redwood damn it!" snapped Mokujin.
"Well then, let's get fighting!" suggested Lei.
The song "Shake That" by Eminem began to play as a big brawl erupted in the strip club. A legion of Jacks materialized to assist the Dark Hand just as Asuka and Xiaoyu ran outside to assist the Lei Team. Xiaoyu took out a pair of stiletto heels and tossed them at a Jack. The Jack turned to Xiaoyu at flew at her trying to tackle her. She jumped out of the way and crashed into the stripper pole causing himself to short out and shut down.
"Ooh, those are fabulous stilettos," cooed Lee who bent down to pick them up. He then put them on and delivered a kick to Raven's back, Raven cried out in pain and then saw Lee wearing the stilettos and vomited.
"That's an ugly sight," moaned Raven who then kicked Lee in the face knocking him down.
As a legion of Jacks surrounded King and Wang, the Jacks all snickered mechanically as they prepared to attack.
"Let's play whirlybird ok Wang," said King as he brabbed Wang by his legs and started spinning him around.
"AIIIIIIIYAAAAAAA!" screamed Wang as King spun him into the circle of Jacks, knocking them all away from him.
"Hey, that looks like fun!" cheered Mokujin as he grabbed Li Mei and did the same thing with her.
"Ow, I'm gonna have a serious migrane from this," moaned Li Mei.
Chun-Li fired her pistol at the Jacks, deactivating as many as she could. As one flew at her, the nude cop fired forth a blue ball from her palm.
"Kikoken!" yelled Chun-Li knocking the Jack away with her fireball.
Hwoarang then smacked Chun-Li on her ample buttocks and the enraged officer turned around, kicked the redhead in the groin and unleashed another attack into him.
"Houyoku Sen!" hollered Chun-Li.
Chun-Li riddled Hwoarang with numerous kicks and then kicked him straight into the air and he was out cold as he hit the ground.
"Time to jack you up you jack offs!" yelled Ganryu as he rolled into a ball and bowled over more Jacks that swarmed the Lei Team.
"I got you trapped like a sardine pretty boy," taunted Dragunov as him and a troop of Jack-5s surrounded Ken.
"You forget one thing, I'm a three time US Martial Arts champ!" retorted Ken.
Ken rolled under a Jack's attack and kicked him straight in the face and then threw one Jack into another and saw one leap at him, Ken countered with one of his most famous moves.
"Shoryuken!" yelled Ken.
Ken's fist lit ablaze as he rose up into the air. Mokujin ran over and imitated Ken as they junked all the Jacks that were with Dragunov. Ken then leapt at the Russian and hit him with a kick and chained it into another of his popular attacks.
"Shippu Jinrai Kyaku!" roared Ken.
Ken kicked Dragunov numerous times and lifted him up into the air with a multi hit spinning kick and sent Dragunov crashing to the ground unconscious.
"Stripper's fake breasts break nose!" yelled Paul as he attacked Lei and Asuka, Asuka uppercut Paul and Lei followed up a few punches to juggle the blonde oaf in the air for a while before letting him hit the ground with a thud.
"Bouncer ejects rowdy club goer!" hollered Paul as he got back up and attacked again more furiously. Thinking instinctively, Lei ripped off Asuka's outfit leaving her completely exposed, Paul stopped in his tracks and stared at her.
"Lumberjack obtains wood!" shouted Paul.
Lei then used Asuka's bra to tie Paul's feet together while he ogled her naked body and then dangled her thong in front of Paul.
"Hey you wanna sniff these, they smell lovely," teased Lei.
"Claw machine grabs prize!" shouted Paul as he attempted to dash forward but fell due to his feet being bound and Lei and Asuka started beating him silly.
"Oh no, looks like I better eject myself," cried Steve.
"Not happening, I'm going to make you bloody you, as you Brits would say it, bloody bastard, Shinryuken!" yelled Ken sprialing upwards with a flaming fist, charring Steve and knocking him out. Chun-Li then pulled out some handcuffs from under a table and placed them around Steve's wrists.
"You're going to do some hard time," commented Chun-Li.
"And we all have hard ons," added Wang.
"Indeed we do, but I'm sorry I caused so much trouble, I'll give you your talisman back, hopefully one day I can know what it's like to be alive again," said Mokujin.
With that, Mokujin farted and along with some wood chips, the talisman popped out of his rear, and Mokujin fell to the ground lifeless.
"Looks like a happy ending for all of us here," remarked Ken.
"And you know what, I'm going to give you a mega happy ending and we'll catch up during that," said Chun-Li.
"All right, let's do the mega happy ending," stated Ken as him and Chun-Li ran off together while the cops took away the Dark Hand.
"Well we got our talisman, so what now?" asked Xiaoyu.
Lei pulled out a few dollar bills and waved them in Xiaoyu and Asuka's face.
"How about I get some lap dances from both of you?" suggested Lei.
"Fair enough," replied Asuka who took the money and began grinding on Lei.
"Ai ya, I wish I no senile," groaned Wang as he began carrying Mokujin back to the antique shop.
"I got a chubby," said King.
"And I am chubby, so let's get us some lap dances," said Ganryu.
The song "U and Dat" by E-40 began to play as Raven pulled out some money and gave it to Li Mei who then took took turns dancing for King, Ganryu, and Raven, while Asuka and Xiaoyu took turns giving Lei lap dances.
Ask Lei segment.
"Hey Lei," pipes up some little kid.
"Yes?" asked Lei.
"Do you go to strip clubs often?" asked the kid.
"No, not really, they're fun and all and I like the sights. But they cost too much money and most of the time, all you're really paying for is blue balls," answered Lei.
"Uh, thank you," said the kid.
Lei began singing "Shake Ya Ass" by Mystikal and doing a suggestive dance as well.
Author's Note: Yes, another chapter wrapped up. Hope you liked this one. Hopefully Tekken fans enjoyed seeing Mokujin make an appearance, that Street Fighter fans enjoyed seeing Ken and Chun-Li, and that Mortal Kombat fans enjoyed seeing Li Mei. For those that don't know, Market Street Cinema is a real strip club in San Francisco, I've never been there, but I know about it. Anyways, I'm off to plan the next chapter so until then, please read and review.