The Things That Keep Us Apart
Chapter Ten
"How is that?" Robert asked after he was done taking out the trach the next morning.
"Much better." Lucy whispered.
"Here. Have some water. It will help with the soreness." He handed her a cup with a straw.
"Thanks."
"How are you doing?" He asked, taking off his gloves and sitting next to her.
"Alright, considering everything that has happened." She said after taking a drink. "I'm glad to talk now, even if it does hurt."
"Well you know that will go away soon." He reminded her. "So, Carter came by last night?"
She nodded.
"How did that go?"
She sighed. "He's being nice to me."
He laughed. "Wasn't that what you wanted since you moved back here?"
"I wanted him to be nice to me because he wanted to. I just feel like he's being nice to me because of what happened. Being a jerk to me right now after I got shot and almost died would make him look like a complete ass." She replied.
"I guess it is a possibility." He nodded. "But if it means anything…he did seem genuinely concerned about you last night."
She couldn't help but laugh, which was a mistake because it caused pain. "Ow..."
"You ok?" He asked.
"Yeah." She assured him. "But has Hell frozen over? Because you just said something about Carter that wasn't snarky."
"I know." He sighed. "And it leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth. But for some strange reason you seem to love the idiot. And since I want you to be happy, I shouldn't be constantly belittling him…at least that is what Elizabeth told me this morning over coffee."
Lucy smiled. "Remind me to thank Elizabeth." She stared at him for a moment.
"What?" He laughed. "Is there something on my face?"
"No." She shook her head. "It's just…you really love her, don't you?"
"Elizabeth?" He asked.
"Yeah." She nodded. "I mean, I knew you loved her…I just don't think I ever realized how much until now. I'm really happy for you. You both deserve happiness and I'm glad you found it."
She could tell he was about to say something when the door slid open. She looked over and saw Carter standing in the doorway.
"Hey." He smiled at her. "You got the trach out!"
"Yeah." She said, watching as he came to stand on the other side of her bed.
"Well I should probably go check on my department...make sure everything is still running smoothly." Romano said, standing up. "I'll be back to check on you in a while."
"Sounds good." Lucy smiled, though a part of her wished he would stay. It was awkward being here with Carter. He just kept smiling at her and it was weird.
After Romano left, she watched as Carter walked over and sat in the chair.
"How are you feeling?" He asked.
"Ok." She shrugged before realizing she should probably be truthful. "Actually, everything hurts and I've never felt this helpless in my entire life. But at least I'm not dead so that's something."
"It's going to get better, Luce." He grabbed a hold of her hand. "It's just going to take some time."
She stared at the hand he was holding and then at his face. There was a genuine look of concern there and, without thinking she pulled her hand back and asked him a series of questions.
"Why are you here right now? Why are you being so nice to me? And why do you ever care?" She watched his face contort out of surprise.
"I…"
"I'm sorry." She apologized, immediately regretting her questions. "I just…when we talked the last time we didn't leave on good terms. If you're just being nice to me because of what happened, then you can leave. Because you don't need to try and be nice to keep from having a guilty conscience."
"No." He assured her. "You have nothing to be sorry about. And I'm not trying to ease a guilty conscience. I just…I came to your place that night to try and convince you not to leave."
"You said that last night. But I find that kind of hard to believe."
"It's the truth though." He said.
There was something in his eyes that made her trust he was telling the truth.
"I wanted to talk…really talk about our relationship without any anger or snarkiness. I wanted to go through it with a fine tooth comb and see if…maybe there was any way we could possibly start again."
"You're joking, right?" She laughed until she saw that he seemed serious.
"No." He shook his head. "I wanted to start over again. When I realized you wanted to move away because of how I've treated you, I felt horrible. Then I realized if I let you leave, you wouldn't come back this time. It scared me. I know I've been horrible to you since you moved back. I've been nothing but mean. I haven't let you talk…really talk to me and I basically cut you out of my life."
He paused for a moment. "Then I found you that night…I saw all of the blood and I couldn't help but think I had lost you forever…the time I spent in that jail cell was excruciating because I didn't know if you were dead or alive. Thinking you might be dead made me…well I realized that life is too short for us to act like idiots."
She snorted. "I've been an idiot?"
"No." He chuckled. "I've been the idiot."
"I probably haven't been a genius either though." She admitted. She could tell that Carter was being sincere, which only made things more difficult.
"I love you Lucy." He told her. "I always have and I always will. And I know you probably don't want to deal with this right now after everything that you have been through but I have to say it anyway. I want to be with you and when you're ready I want to start over."
She stayed quiet after hearing that. It wasn't what she expected. While everything he was saying was what she had been waiting to hear him say for months, she couldn't seem to be thrilled by it. Too many negative thoughts ran through her mind.
What if he was just saying this because she almost died? What if he was just feeling guilty for the way he had been treating her? Would any of this had happened if she hadn't gotten shot?
There was no way for her to know for sure what triggered his change in attitude towards her unless she blindly trusted him. Although he said he wanted to start over before he got to her place, she couldn't be sure of that. She wasn't ready to blindly trust anything.
And then there was the fact that she still had a lengthy recovery process to go through.
While she wanted to believe him…she wanted to smile and reunite with him…tell him she loved him too and live happily ever after…she wanted to kiss him and believe that they could start over and be happy…she found herself doubting it. She couldn't shake that feeling.
"What are you thinking?" He asked after she was silent for a while.
"I love you too." She told him softly. "But I don't know when or if I'd be ready to try and start again."
She briefly saw a pained look on his face before he masked it with an obviously fake smile and she knew that her words hurt him. But it was the truth. She didn't know exactly how long it would take for her to recover, and it didn't seem right to try and start over with him until she was better.
"I completely understand." He told her.
"I'm sorry."
"You don't need to be sorry." He told her. "Why don't we just start over as friends first?"
She thought about it for a moment and decided that would probably work better. "I think that is a better idea."
"Great." He smiled.
"Yeah." She smiled too. "Great."
"How was Lucy after you took the trach out?" Elizabeth asked as they ate lunch on the couch in Robert's office.
"Good." He replied, taking a sip of his drink. "She seems to be recovering well."
"It's going to take her a while to make a full recovery though." She pointed out.
"I was actually thinking about that earlier." He sighed. "I don't know how you are going to feel about this, but I was wondering what you thought about possibly having her come stay with us after she gets out of the hospital."
"Really?" She asked.
"Yeah." He searched her face for any clue about her thoughts on the matter but she had her poker face on and he couldn't tell a thing. "You know she will need help once she gets released from the hospital. She won't be able to do much for at least a week or two after being released. And to be honest, I don't feel comfortable with her going back to her apartment after what happened. I'm not sure she will want to go back either. I know I wouldn't. I thought that maybe having her come stay in our guest room would be the best thing…"
"Ok." She interrupted.
"Ok?" He questioned. "Just like that?"
"Just like that." She chuckled. "Why?"
"I guess I expected a little more of a fight to convince you." He admitted.
"It makes sense." She conceded. "She shouldn't have to go back to that apartment. And you are right. She will need help after she gets released. I don't relish having a houseguest, but since it is Lucy I don't mind as much."
"You're amazing." He smiled.
"I try." She smirked.
"You succeed." He leaned over and gave her a kiss.
"You are looking much better today." Abby told her later that day.
"Thanks." Lucy smiled.
"So…what's new other than getting the trach out and being able to talk again?" She asked as she sat down.
Lucy shook her head. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
"Oh come on!" Abby laughed. "Now you have to tell me!"
"Carter came back this morning." Lucy told her. "He said he still loves me and wants to start over."
"That's great news!" Abby smiled. "Isn't it? Why aren't you happier about this? I thought that's what you wanted."
"Because after everything that has happened, I don't know what to do…I don't know what to think or what to feel…"
"Well I think that is normal. You have been through a lot."
"And yeah, hearing Carter tell me that he loves me has been what I've been waiting and praying for. I just…it's coming at the worst possible time." She explained.
"What are you worried about?"
"Everything." She told her friend. "What if it doesn't work out? What if does work out? What if he is only saying this as a knee-jerk reaction to my shooting? What if the issues we had before come up again and tear us apart? What if too much time has passed and we aren't the same people who fell in love years ago? What if he is just in love with the person I used to be and not the one I am now?"
"Wow." Abby stopped her. "You weren't kidding when you said you were worried about everything. Your list sounds a lot like mine when I can't stop the negative thoughts."
"How do you stop them?"
"I used to stop them with tons of alcohol." Abby laughed. "But that doesn't help so I don't recommend that. Honestly there is no sure-fire way to stop the negative thoughts. But in the end here is the deal. You have to do what you feel is best for yourself and what will make you happy. What do you think will make you happy?"
"Being back together with him has been the thing I have been focusing on for a long time. It's what I've focused on to make me happier. But…" She trailed off.
"But what?" Abby asked.
"I'm afraid." Lucy replied. "I can't help it and I can't stop it. What do you know about my relationship with him?"
"I know that you two dated for about a year or so before you moved away."
"Did you know that at one time, before we started dating, I was assigned to be his med student?" She knew that Abby started working in the ER after her rotation in the ER was over but wasn't sure if Carter had ever told her the whole story of their relationship.
Abby chuckled. "No. I didn't know that."
"We didn't get along very well at that time…" She laughed. "Except for one time when we made out in exam room six."
"Seriously?" Abby asked.
"Yeah." Lucy nodded. "But other than that, we argued a lot. I always felt like I was some annoying little kid bugging him all the time."
"So how did you two end up dating?"
"I eventually started my surgical rotation. We didn't see each other every day anymore and I found myself bumping into him a seemingly random times. Eventually he asked me if I wanted to get coffee to catch up on everything. We went to get coffee and coffee turned into dinner…dinner turned into movies…movies turned into a relationship."
She stopped for a moment to collect her thoughts. "I fell hard and I fell fast in love with him…and it haunts me every day that I didn't just say yes either times he said marry me."
"Why didn't you?" Abby asked softly. "I mean, it isn't hard for anyone to see you love him. What stopped you?"
"I've always had this nagging feeling in my stomach that I'm not good enough for him." Lucy admitted, trying to keep the tears at bay. "When we met he was already farther established as a doctor than I was…he had a reputation for being great. And I saw it on a daily basis. He's a wonderful doctor and a wonderful guy."
"After we started dating, there were whispers around the hospital that we had secretly been dating while I was his med student and that I went after him in order to pass my rotation. He of course didn't pay any attention to it. He thought it didn't matter because the accusations were untrue…but it bother me."
"Of course it would bother you." Abby chimed in.
"It made me look terrible…and I couldn't shake the feeling that everyone was judging me. I really tried to let it go. And I thought I had made peace with my insecurities until I went with him to a Carter Foundation fundraiser where I met his parents. And his mother…well let's just say she had a lot of opinions about why I wasn't good enough for her son."
"Lucy, you can't let her…"
"I know." Lucy interrupted. "I shouldn't have let her get into my head. But I did, and I started thinking that I had to find a way to distinguish myself…to make a difference and make a name for myself in a way Carter hadn't. So when I thought of my research study I poured everything I had into it. I wanted it to succeed so badly so I could feel like I could actually feel worthy of being with him."
"But then the hospital board denied my study and it crushed me. I became solely focused on how I could get it approved so I could prove to myself I was good enough. And that obsession with trying to make a name for myself destroyed my relationship with him."
"Did you ever tell him any of this?" Abby asked.
"No." She shook her head. "I was always too afraid to tell him. I was going to tell him when I moved back but then he wasn't talking to me."
"I think you should tell him everything."
"Maybe." She admitted. "He suggested that since I'm not ready for anything more right now, that we just be friends. Maybe that is all we should be. Maybe too much has happened for us to get back together."
"Or maybe you just need to focus on your recovery and then see where you stand with him." Abby suggested.
"Maybe." Lucy nodded as Abby's pager went off.
"I'm sorry. They need me downstairs." She apologized.
"It's fine." Lucy smiled. "We can always talk later."
"I'll come see you after my shift ends."
"Ok." She watched her friend leave and then sighed. After a few minutes she realized that Abby was right. She needed to focus on getting better and then reevaluate where things stood with Carter.
A/N: Sorry for the shameless plug, but I have another Carter/Lucy story called "Gamble Everything For Love" that I started about a week ago. If you haven't checked it out yet, you might want to! Thanks!