Trapped-Chapter 10

Hey guys, thanks for all the reviews! That was the most reviewed chapter I've ever had and it was so encouraging to hear from you all. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review this, it means the world to me, truly. I know I've been a bit slow, sorry! I know I've been 3 weeks with this one but I have been really busy and this is my longest chapter (nearly 3000 words)! And I hope it really conveys all the emotion and feeling I wanted it to. I've also written a chapter plan for this story so I've got an outline of all chapters and can tell you that the story will be 17 chapters long. Now that I've written the outline I feel as though I'm heading towards a goal and will definitely finish this as I have a finalised ending. Sorry about how incredibly long this author's note is! Here's chapter 10….

He finally let himself succumb to sleep at about 4:30 AM. I stayed in his arms and watched him in his peaceful slumber. I felt completely comfortable just lying there in his arms. I would have rather liked to simply lie there forever watching the light of the moon cause his elegant features to look ethereal. His appearance was just as it had been the night he'd 'died'- I guess that was the magic of the veil; its victims didn't age or change at all while in its clutches. His hair was still a main of thick, glossy, ebony waves; his eyes were still almond orbs of such an intense grey colour that in the moonlight they appeared opalescent; his skin was still pale, his tattoos still served as a dark memory of what he had done and what he had lived; he still had a dark shadow of stubble growing over his jaw. He was still Sirius; still my Sirius. And at that moment in time he was more my Sirius than ever before. His arm crossed tight across my body and for the first time in ten years I felt happy and I felt content. I was right where I wanted to be but not right where I was supposed to be or right where I should be. I knew that. I knew that in a couple of hours time I would have to scuttle off back to Ron and pretend that none of this had happened; pretend that I was none the wiser to Sirius's return-it would have been much to difficult to explain why I was in the Ministry of Magic in the early hours of the morning; pretend that I hadn't lain in his arms and felt the tug of love and connection in my heart that had always been there, always. I knew that I was probably also going to have to lie beside Ron in my bed before the blessed release with the ring of the alarm clock at dawn. But it would be different this time. This time I would be lying beside Ron with the knowledge that Sirius was only across the other side of London. I would also be lying next to Ron within hours of lying next to Sirius. I would be lying next to Ron with the knowledge that Sirius loved me. He loved me. And of course it didn't make everything better, it didn't mean that I could just get up and leave Ron. In fact in reality it made everything a whole lot worse- it meant that I was missing out on what could have been because I had made the ridiculous decision of marrying Ron. But it wasn't really worse, it was better, because I had Sirius now, I had his love even if I didn't in reality have him in the slightest. And then at that moment, at 5 AM after watching Sirius sleep for half an hour, I allowed myself to sleep. I allowed my brain to switch off and simply drift into a dreamless sleep while enjoying the comfort of Sirius's chest as a pillow.

"Hermione, Sirius! Hermione!" Remus's voice urgently and coaxingly woke us the next morning.

I opened my eyes blearily seeing that I was indeed still lying with Sirius; it had not all been a dream. Remus's face loomed above us- a picture of panic and urgency while Sirius slept on with a look of peace settled across his elegant features. My first thought was one of relief and ecstasy- it wasn't a dream, Sirius really had returned and I really as with him. Then suddenly I realised that Remus had just rushed into the room seeing me asleep, head on Sirius's chest. I was humiliated. What would Remus think? While he knew that I loved Sirius, I was still married and to Ron- one of his friends. What would he think? And more importantly, why did he look so panic-stricken. It couldn't simply be that I had found Sirius and I asleep in his guest bedroom together, could it? No, something was wrong. Remus was desperately trying to wake Sirius up and pull me off the bed. I eventually pulled myself up, bleary eyed and confused. What was going on?

"Remus, Remus," I shouted as he forcefully shook Sirius awake.

"What are you doing? What's going on?" I questioned him as Sirius's eyelids finally began to open as he awoke.

"Ron," as soon as Remus uttered at that one syllable I could guess the rest of the story and understood the panic. "He's here. He wants to see you and Sirius. Hermione. You have to be ready. He can't guess anything. He's angry." Remus breathed heavily in between his words and panic was written across his face. I pulled at my hair and desperately tried to force my brain to wake up with my body. I had to be presentable. He couldn't guess anything. Not a thing.

Sirius had finally woken up as Remus explained what was happening, he was barely awake but even he has registered a look of panic at Remus's words. I had known that Ron and Sirius would have to meet sooner or later but surely not this soon. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for this collision of my two worlds. I couldn't face the paradox of my life symbolised in visual form as my husband, the man I was supposed to love met the man that I did love, the man who was supposed to have been dead for the past 10 years. The man who, only two days before, we had held a remembrance celebration for. It was all too surreal.

I sat down on the chair next to the bed that Sirius and I had lain together. I took a breath in of composure and got ready to bring out my Hermione Weasley persona. My eyes locked with Sirius's orbs and in that one look we were both agreed and prepared to lie. Remus sensed our agreement and stepped back out of the room to open the door. He still looked panic but slightly less so. I on the other hand felt even sicker than I had done when Remus had first informed me of what was going on. What were we going to do? I would ruin it. I knew I would. I couldn't face it; I couldn't see them meet, I couldn't have the ridiculousness of my life visualised. It was too hard. While Ron was away I could pretend he didn't exist and I could be Hermione Granger again who was free to do what she wasn't. But I was Hermione Weasley and she wasn't free at all, not in the slightest. I turned away from Sirius. I couldn't look at him. I knew that the moment that Ron walked through the door I would have to forget what had happened the night before, I would have to. And it was best to start now, to get into my character now. I heard Ron come towards our sanctuary. He clumsily walked through the hall while berating Remus on what had happened.

"What the fuck? Sirius! Bloody hell, he's dead. He's dead. We saw him die. You can't be right, can't be. Anyway what the fuck does that have to do with Hermione? She's my wife. Someone should have told me where she was."

I listened to Ron's words of frustration and disbelief. I knew it was understandable for him to be disbelieving, after all we all had thought Sirius dead but I couldn't help but hate him for saying it. I hated him for referring to me as his "wife". It was wrong and cruel of me but I couldn't help it; I needed someone to blame all my problems on and I'd chosen Ron. I felt so guilty for blaming him for the mess of my life when in reality it was my fault. All my fault. Just as Ron was about to open the door Sirius grabbed my hand and gave me such a piercing look from his intensely stormy grey eyes that I understood everything from the one glance. He was telling me that he loved me, that it would be ok. We'd get over this one hurdle and then all the other hurdles that would come into our way. I wished I could agree with him. But it was a comfort; a much needed comfort.

BANG.

And the door opened and in came Ron. I snatched my hand out of Sirius's clutch just in time but the proximity between the two of us when Ron opened the door must have looked suspect. Ron's face said it all. His manner had been indignant when he first entered the room- he must be right, there was no way that Sirius could have returned. No way. His look had then changed to that of surprise, confusion and suspicion. His face betrayed each and every one of his thoughts: How could Sirius be alive? It was impossible. And then he registered the scene in front of him; he saw hoe close Sirius and I, he saw my flustered face. And it was as though something registered in him; an alarm bell began to ring. I mean in reality there wasn't much to pinpoint in the scene and anything that was suspicious could easily be explained away- I was close to Sirius because I was checking on his medical condition; I was flustered because I couldn't believe that Sirius had returned. There were simple explanations to every implication of adulterous behaviour but I knew that while they would stand up against the evidence of what Ron had seen in the room that the atmosphere couldn't be so easily explained away. There was love there. Not neat love, not happy love, the sort of love that pulls your heart out and wrenches on it and makes you feel sick and ill; the kind of love that defies all sense and that you know isn't any good for you. It's ugly and it's possessive but it's needed and it becomes part of you. Ron sensed that. He sensed that there was something there between Sirius and I and there was nothing I could do about it.

He stood there for a full minute, no one moved and no one broke the silence. Sirius and I were waiting for Ron to take in what was happening. He wouldn't say anything about what he had sensed between Sirius and I- I knew that. He'd pretend that nothing had happened, that he'd imagined it. I knew Ron and I knew that that was how he would deal with the situation. He wouldn't be able to deal with it head on, it would break his world down and he couldn't do that. It had to keep going so he would pretend that nothing had happened. But he'd sensed it and however much he tried to convince himself that it was nothing at the back of his mind he would know what he had seen. And that was when I truly knew that our relationship would never be the same again. Everything had changed.

"Sirius…wow. I can't believe it. You're back. This is pretty bloody weird." Ron stuttered throw his first line of speech, trying to make everything normal. Well as normal as the situation would allow.

Sirius and I saw this as our cue to jump apart and I dutifully sat down on the seat next to the bed so as to pretend that nothing had happened but all three of us knew that it had. Al three of us.

"I know mate. I can't believe it myself. But hey, it's great to back. It's a different world now though I guess. I'll have to get used to everything again." Sirius replied, all three of us silently consenting to go along with the 'nothing happened' game.

"I've just been staying here to look after Sirius, Ron. He turned up here at Remus's house just as I was leaving the office and Remus sent me an owl asking me to come along. He really needed another pair of hands and obviously I couldn't say no. And when I got here it was just such chaos and Sirius was in such a state that he had is in a right state for a while. Sorry I didn't get in touch, I just completely forgot with everything going on." I lied to keep the evasion going and to make life easier. I couldn't answer any questions, not today.

"You could have told me. I was worried." Ron replied with an undertone of anger in his voice, the whole sentence was thick with resentment. He didn't look me in the eye. His head was down looking at the ground. Though Ron often initiated the 'nothing happened' game he wasn't very good at keeping his emotions under control.

I felt bad, the whole situation was my fault and I had hurt Ron. In effect I'd cheated on him. In effect I had committed adultery, I had spent the night lying beside another man. I felt ashamed and guilty. Whatever the situation Ron didn't deserve this. I knew that. I knew that the marriage wasn't really all his fault and however much I argued in my head that even so it was his fault that we couldn't split I knew that it was a faulty argument, I should never have married him. I knew it but yet I couldn't suppress the almighty joy. Sirius was back. He was here. And he loved me. Even if we could never be, he loved me.

"I'm sorry Ron." I replied with some genuine sincerity, I didn't want to hurt him.

"Yeah well, we better get going. Bye Sirius." Ron still didn't look up from the ground.

As Ron took my arm and gently pulled me out my chair Sirius gave me one more piercing look that said: I love you. I returned his stare and hoped he understood that I loved him and that I needed him.

"Bye mate, bye Hermione. See you soon I expect," Sirius called after us as we left the room.

Ron still didn't look at me as he guided me out of the house. I could sense his confusion, his hurt but I didn't say anything, it was best that way. What was there really that I could say? Besides Ron didn't want me to say anything, he wanted to continue pretending that nothing had happened even his manner and body language clearly showed that something had happened. We left the house without even saying goodbye to Remus or Tonks. I didn't comment. We remained in complete detached silence as we apparated home.

The moment we came into our living room I moved away from Ron and went up the stairs to our bedroom. He stayed standing in the middle of the room looking hurt, confused and vulnerable. I felt guilty and terrible but I couldn't suppress my joy at what had transpired between Sirius and I. I needed him and I'd waited so long. I didn't hurt Ron but…I didn't feel as though I could prevent it unless I never saw Sirius again and I knew that I couldn't bear that, I just couldn't. It sounds so selfish but as though my love for Sirius was a separate creature that wasn't a part of me, it just had control over my actions and I couldn't defy it. I couldn't. I needed him like a drug and now that I had him there was no way I could give him up. No way.

"Hermione. You know I love you, don't you." Ron called after me as I headed up the stairs.

I stopped in my tracks. What was I to say? What was I to do? He loved me. But I didn't love him, not in that way. I felt torn apart. I needed Sirius but by giving into my love, my addiction I was hurting Ron, my best friend. It was wrong and it was ugly but I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop Ron's hurt. I hoped he was lying. He couldn't love me, could he? I kept telling myself that, it was the only way that I could continue seeing Sirius and I couldn't give him up. I couldn't.

"Yeah I know Ron. I'm just going up to bed, I'm so tired." I evaded him- just I always did and would always have to from that moment on.

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