A/N I'm back again! Thank you for all your reviews, please keep 'em coming!
-Nightshade
I don't own Criminal Minds!
Get Through
Chapter Ten
I felt hollow, literally, but I guess a day of no food will do that to you. Between all the stress and the feelings and the impending surgery, I was feeling empty. It had been three days since the kiss with JJ in the lunchroom, three days since I gave her my ultimatum, three days since I had heard from her last. It had taken those three, lonely, long days to come to blows with the fact that I had lost her, I lost JJ as a friend, I lost JJ as a girlfriend, I lost JJ period. And I was scared, having to check in and undergo all these tests, when I desperately wanted her by my side. Currently I was propped up in a hospital bed, awaiting my turn to go under the knife. And here in this sterile room, free of any of the comforts of home, I began to mentally unravel. I shouldn't have done that, alienated the one person I could count on for anything and everything. She probably told the team, and they probably hate me too now for hurting her. I was never supposed to hurt her. But that tortured, tormented look in those beautiful blue eyes haunted me. It didn't belong there; those gorgeous orbs should never have to bear that pain, it was like seeing a huge tear across the world's most valuable painting. And I did that, that was all my fault. Guilt came with a hurricane force, battering all that I believed in, and ripping away my comfort. A cheery-eyed nurse entered the room and broke my reverie. I hid my thoughts away, as if the woman would be able to read my mental conversation.
"I'm just here to put in your IV line and prep you, the OR's ready." She chirped, as she removed the line and needle from the sterile packaging. I winced as I saw the glint of the metal, the little needle suddenly seeming like a sword in my mind. The woman treating me was obviously no profiler, because she set about her work without even taking notice how I had gone as stiff as a board and had my hands knotted in the blanket around me so tightly my knuckles were white. I tried to go anywhere else mentally, to somewhere I was happy. I remembered the last time I had to endure this, except with JJ at my side. The irritating blare of the heart monitor which sounded as my panicked heart sped up, threatened to distract me from the sweet memory of JJ's silky cheek against mine and the feeling of the delicate jaw muscles fluttering beneath the pale satin of her skin as she whispered soothing nothings into my ear. It was this illusion of contact that I clung to, trying to hide from my childish fear. The nurse jumped up quickly, with that same overly-happy smile pasted on her face, the movement banishing JJ's presence.
"We're going to be taking you to surgery soon, alright?" she informed before turning on her heel and heading for the door, nearly walking right into one Derek Morgan. I let out a sigh at my secret being revealed, before leaning backwards into the thin pillow.
"So you've found me." I dryly commented as he made his way over to my bedside.
"We're a family at the BAU, and learning that one of your family members has taken vacation time for the next month or so is worrying." His usually sharp features were unfocused and nervous.
"So you followed me here?"
"Nonsense, I had my Baby Girl do a trace on your phone." He remarked, as if it was the obvious answer. "What's wrong Emily? Why are you having surgery, and more to the point why didn't you tell us? All I know is you keep running off and disappearing, and JJ gets all weird if anyone mentions your name." I gave an irritated huff, I wanted this to stay quiet for longer. I didn't want to have to deal with telling people, I just wasn't mentally capable of juggling all that.
"I'm donating part of my liver to a relative of mine, I'm fine, and that's all you need to know about the situation." I insisted, and I could tell by the look in his eyes he wasn't buying this for a second.
"And JJ fits into this how? Don't tell me she's not involved in this, because when Reid asked where you were today she nearly bit the kid's head off, poor kid's still trembling." His words sent another shock of guilt through my weakened heart. JJ was so hurt she was lashing out to others on the team.
"I kissed her in the lunchroom yesterday." I admitted, wincing as Morgan not-so-subtly gasped in shock.
"What?" he managed to splutter out.
"I kissed her, and it was a good kiss Morgan, it was a damn good kiss. I can't stop thinking about it, it was mind-blowingly good, amazing. But then I walked away, how stupid was that, making her choose, how idiotic was I? You can't even begin to comprehend how royally fucked up I am." I rambled on like a lovesick teenager, oblivious to his reaction.
"Okay I get it, she's a good kisser, but back this up Em, I didn't even know you were lesbian."
"It's not something I go around shouting from the rooftops! I know how screwed up this is, but Derek, I love her, and because I love her I'm losing her. She doesn't feel anything for me." even my voice sounded defeated, and as sad as it was to admit it, I had given up on love. Derek placed a comforting, friendly hand on top of mine before looking me in the eye.
"She can barely stand to hear your name, sometimes I've caught her staring at your desk, waiting for you to return, she comes into briefings with red eyes like she's been crying. You're a profiler, that's not the behavior of someone who doesn't feel anything." It had gone quiet in my head, my entire universe stopped spinning for a second, as he spoke those words. I made her cry? The fact itself felt viscerally wrong. It was as if his implication was an asteroid, colliding with my little world and blotting out any living things beneath a cloud of dust and shame. While I sat thinking, I barely missed the orderly showing Morgan from my room and beginning to wheel my gurney out the door.
"We're taking you for surgery now Ma'am" he announced unceremoniously. I lunged after Derek, who was walking the opposite direction down the hall, twisting awkwardly against the railing on the bed.
"Tell her I'm sorry! I never meant to make her cry Derek!" I begged tearfully as I tried to get up from the bed, being held back by the hands of the orderly. I must have looked like a madwoman, but Derek just gave me a reassuring nod, like he already knew that.
"Ma'am please lay back down, we have limited time before your daughter gets unstable!" he commanded, and I obediently sat back in the bed, despite wanting to go running the opposite direction after him. Limited time, time is running out, my time is running out, I need to talk to JJ! But instead I was wheeled into a sterile looking room, suddenly surrounded by faceless doctors who looked all-too antsy to get their hands on a scalpel.
"We're going to put you under now Miss." An older gentleman doctor told me. I can't be here; I can't do this without JJ! I need her here when I wake up, I need her here! Because lying on this metal table, with drugs flowing into my veins that felt like ice, I felt so scared and alone. She said I could always call her when I needed her, that she would be here for me when I needed her, where was she now? The lights in the room began to pitch and sway, and I was suddenly paralyzed, my arms and legs numb as if they were of stone and not flesh. I tried to cry out, but the mask over my mouth prevented me, and black spots swam in my vision. The drug-induced haze trapped me within my panic, as I futilely tried to fight the darkness threatening to overcome me. JJ, JJ I need you, please come! I need to feel her hold my hand and see her smile and know that I didn't both ruin my friendship and hurt the woman that I love. I need her to be here with me, so I won't be scared. I need her, simple as that; I need her like I need oxygen to breathe. The cold of the metal and the ice in my limbs faded until I could feel nothing except my loneliness. It grew to a giant, menacing beast, with eyes like chasms and a gaping mouth of nothingness. And like that, the darkness swallowed me whole, and I was lost to my subconscious.
A/N not totally, 100% happy with this chap, but I'd love to hear what you think!