Two Sides of a Coin

Joe's mind was reeling as they ate dinner together as a family. He couldn't pinpoint which emotion he was feeling after his conversation with Barry's time remnant. Sadness. Guilt. Relief. He was sad because that version of Barry was sad, but he was also relieved. He was relieved because things were about to become so much simpler. The time remnant was leaving. They wouldn't have to try so hard anymore. They wouldn't have this burden hanging over them anymore. They could eat dinner as a family—him, Wally, Iris, and the real Barry—without feeling guilty about the time remnant lurking upstairs.

Joe did feel guilty, though. He felt guilty about the fact that he was relieved. It just felt so wrong. The time remnant was going to go off and start his own life by himself. He was going to be completely alone. Barry never did well on his own. Even now, before leaving, the other Barry was already not taking care of himself. He wasn't eating, and he was holing himself up in his room.

Joe couldn't help but stare at the original Barry as they ate dinner. He was talking and laughing with everyone else as they enjoyed the family meal together, taking Iris's hand in his own under the table, thinking Joe didn't notice.

It was easier when he had this Barry in front of him. It was easier to forget about the time remnant and all those painful, confusing emotions. Joe did feel bad about the time remnant, but it was easy to dismiss his guilt when his family was all right in front of him, healthy and happy.

Maybe it would just be better to forget and move on. It was easier than dwelling on things he couldn't change.

"It's getting late," Iris yawned, hours later when they had long since finished their meals, "Mind if I spend the night tonight? I don't feel like driving back to my apartment."

"As long as you stay in your old room," Joe said seriously.

"I will," Iris laughed, sharing a look with Barry, "I promise."

Joe let out a heavy sigh and rubbed his eyes. Sometimes, being a human lie detector was nothing but a burden.

"I'm just going to go wash up before bed," Iris said tiredly.

She rose from her seat then and disappeared up the stairs. The others all followed suit, rising from the dining room table to turn in for the night. Joe and Barry were just beginning to collect everyone's dishes from the table when they heard a high-pitched scream from upstairs.

The two of them both shared a brief look of dread with each other before Barry flashed up the stairs, Joe running right behind him at a normal speed, taking the stairs two at a time. As he rushed down the upstairs hallway, Joe heard Wally shouting.

"Oh, my God!"

Joe quickly found the others to be standing in the doorway of the upstairs bathroom.

"What is it?" he asked urgently, pushing his way past them to see into the room.

When he did, his entire body froze in horror, ice flooding his veins.

Barry's time remnant was in the bath tub, fully clothed and submerged in bright red water.

"Oh, my God," Joe whispered, his eyes wide as he stared at the man.

Joe was frozen in place as Wally moved forward to press his fingers against Barry's neck.

"He doesn't have a pulse," Wally choked out to them, "His skin is ice cold."

"He's dead," Iris sobbed, tears already streaming down her face as she sank to the bathroom floor.

Joe couldn't move. He couldn't make his body respond or move into action. He couldn't mentally process the situation.

What was happening?! It didn't make any sense!

He had killed himself. Barry's time remnant had committed suicide.

"He said he was going to leave," Joe whispered after a long, silent pause, causing everyone to look at him, "I didn't think that meant…"

Oh God. He should have known! He was a cop. He should have saw the signs. He should have known something was terribly wrong by the way Barry had been talking. He should have talked to him more, gotten through to him, insisted he stay there with them, insisted that he was wanted. Instead, Joe had just left. He had gone downstairs. For hours, they had been sitting downstairs, talking and eating, enjoying a family meal together while Barry had been dead upstairs the entire time. The thought made Joe feel like he was going to be sick.

Joe's stomach clenched as he stared at the man's face, at the tear lines still staining it. His eyes fell on the photos Barry had set up on the edge of the tub. He felt like he had been hit in the gut when he saw the one of their family.

His stomach churning, Joe looked back to see the original Barry still standing there, equally frozen in shock. Barry was staring down at his time remnant from the doorway, as if he was afraid to move further into the room. He looked like he was going to be sick. He looked even worse than Joe.

"Barry," Joe said softly.

Barry slowly tore his eyes away from the gory sight to meet Joe's.

"Caitlin," he whispered, "I'm going to take him to Caitlin."

"Barry, it's too late," Wally choked, "He's already cold. He's been dead for a while."

Barry sucked in a shaky breath, his hand coming up to cover his mouth. He turned away from them then to face the doorway, but not before Joe could see the tears forming in his eyes.

"Why would he do this?" Iris choked, wiping the tears from her face, "Why the hell would he do this?!"

Joe turned his gaze back to the Barry in the tub, submerged in his own blood. Despite the goriness of the scene, Barry's eyes were closed. His face was peaceful, the only sign of anguish being the tear stains etched into it.

"Because he had nowhere else to go," Joe whispered, a lump forming in his throat, "Nothing left to live for."

"But he had us!" Iris cried, her breath hitching uncontrollably, "We were here for him!"

Joe looked down at the floor, his stomach twisting sickeningly. He knew that wasn't entirely true. They could have done better. They could have reached out to him more.

They could have treated him like Barry and not just a copy.

"I know we weren't as s-supportive as we could have been," Iris continued, sobs escaping her throat, "But we still loved him. We still cared for him!"

Joe sucked in a shaky breath, quickly wiping a few escaped tears from his face as he thought of what the time remnant had said to him just a few hours ago.

I wish love were enough. I wish you didn't have to try to love me.

Joe felt like he could barely breathe as he braced himself against the bathroom counter. They had done this. They had driven the man to this. He never would have thought Barry capable of suicide, but this man was Barry. At least, he was a version of him. Joe didn't understand how this could have happened, how any version of Barry could have gotten that bad, bad enough that he saw killing himself as the only way out.

They had failed him. They had failed to be there for him. They had failed to love him. Barry was the most resilient person Joe knew. In the face of all the darkness in his life, Barry had always managed to walk in the light. He only did so, though, with the support of his loved ones. His family was his life, and without them by his side, Barry didn't have a life worth living for. Without them, Barry would fall apart. Joe had always known that about him.

And this time remnant…he was now proof of that. Horrible, gut-wrenching proof.

Joe felt bile rise in his throat when he remembered that they had asked him to do this. In the beginning, when the time remnant was first created, they had asked him if he wanted to keep living or not. Now, standing here in this small bathroom, the heavy essence of death lingering in the air, Joe couldn't believe they could have ever wanted this. How could they have ever even considered this an option?! It was nauseating. It was horrible.

"Barry?" Joe asked, looking back at the original Barry in the doorway.

Barry didn't respond, though. He still had his back to them, where they couldn't see his face.

"Barry," Joe said a little louder.

Slowly, Barry turned around to look at him then. Joe was surprised to see that his face was calm and composed, despite his bloodshot, watery eyes.

"I'll take care of this," Barry whispered, his eyes flitting to his time remnant in the bloody bathtub, "I…I'll take care of the body."

"Barry," Joe choked, knowing immediately what Barry was doing, "It's okay to take a moment to process this. Another version of you just killed himself."

Barry ignored him, though, taking a deep, steadying breath as he walked further into the room.

"I'll take him to STAR Labs," he said, barely managing to control the shakiness of his voice, "We'll keep him there until we decide what we should do with him."

"Barry," Iris sobbed, shaking her head in disbelief.

How could he be so calm right now? He was acting like he wasn't even affected by his time remnant's death.

Joe knew otherwise, though. He knew Barry was so far from unaffected by this.

"You should leave the room," Barry whispered, his voice barely audible, "I'm sorry you had to see this. I…I'm sorry about all of this."

"Barry," Wally choked, "Are you sure you—?"

"I said leave!" Barry shouted, his hands clenching into fists, "All of you! I'll take care of this!"

The others all flinched at Barry's tone, but no one argued. Wally wrapped an arm around Iris, who was now sobbing uncontrollably. He led her from the room, looking like he was barely keeping it together himself. Neither of them had ever seen a gory sight like this. Barry and Joe were used to it, though, with their line of work. They had seen suicides before.

That didn't help them much this time, though, not under these circumstances. This was too personal, even if Barry was trying to pretend otherwise.

"You too, Joe," Barry said softly when Joe didn't leave the room.

Joe stubbornly shook his head.

"I'm going to help you with this, Bar," he said firmly.

"This is my problem," Barry said angrily, "My burden to bear."

Joe sadly shook his head.

"He was never a burden, Barry," he said quietly, "He was a person."

Barry's jaw clenched as he looked away from Joe, trying to keep his emotions from showing on his face. Barry had never been good at that, though. Joe could see all of them. Pain. Sorrow. Loss.

Guilt.

"Okay," Barry whispered after a moment, "You can help me."

Joe nodded and the two of them set to work.

They drained the tub.

Cisco and Caitlin were both working late night at STAR Labs when they got the call.

"Hey, Joe," Cisco answered in confusion when he saw his caller ID, "What's wrong?"

Not only was it late, but Joe never called him just talk. As much as Cisco liked Joe, he always had a horrible feeling in his gut when he saw Joe's caller ID pop up in his phone. When Joe called, it was never anything good.

"Something's happened," Joe said somberly over the phone, "Barry and I are on our way to STAR Labs right now."

"What happened?" Cisco asked, sharing a nervous glance with Caitlin.

She was sitting at the other side of the cortex desk from him, her eyes locked on him the moment he had answered the phone. She could tell just by the expression on his face that something was very wrong.

"It's Barry's time remnant," Joe said in a strained voice, "He…he killed himself."

Cisco's blood ran cold and the phone nearly slipped from his hand.

"He…" Cisco whispered.

"He's dead, Cisco," Joe choked.

Cisco sat, frozen in place with the phone pressed to his ear.

"Cisco?" Caitlin asked, rising from her chair to slowly approach him, "What is it? What's wrong?"

Cisco took a moment to swallow and suck in a strained breath before answering her.

"It's Barry," he choked, "His time remnant…he killed himself."

Caitlin's face went white as a sheet.

"W-what?" she whispered.

"How did he do it?" Cisco asked into the phone in anguish, "How did he…?"

"He cut his wrists," Joe said sadly, "It had to have been a few hours ago. By the time we found him, it was too late. There wasn't anything that could be done for him."

"B-but," Cisco stammered, "He's Barry. He's still Barry deep down. Barry would never…"

"I don't think we'll ever fully understand what was running through his head," Joe said sadly, "…what he was feeling. I should have tried harder. I should have tried harder to understand him…to be there for him."

Joe let out a shaky sigh.

"We're almost to STAR Labs," he said quietly, "We're going to keep him there until we decide…"

"Until we decide what to do with the body," Cisco finished for him, his stomach churning horribly.

He couldn't believe this was happening. He thought back to when he had last seen Barry's time remnant. He felt guilty when he realized he hadn't even seen him since that Wrath of Con night at his apartment. How could Barry do this?! How could he just kill himself without coming to them for help first?! Why hadn't he reached out to them?!

Cisco felt a horrible tightening sensation in his chest as he thought about it.

He had reached out to them. For weeks, Barry's time remnant had been desperately reaching out to them, looking for someone, just one person, to lean on for support. One person to truly accept him. To see him for who he was.

Cisco felt sick. He felt sick as he hung up on his phone call with Joe. He felt sick as he hugged Caitlin, holding back his tears. He felt sick when Barry and Joe made it to STAR Labs, unloading a body wrapped in a blood-stained shower curtain. He felt sick when they carried the body down to the basement, where their makeshift morgue was.

He felt sick when the curtain was pulled back and the pale, scarred face of his friend came into view.

The time remnant had been his friend. He was still Barry. He had still been his friend.

He always had been, and he always would be.

**Time Remnant Barry**

Barry didn't know when he stopped feeling everything—when he stopped feeling the blood flowing from his veins or the weak fluttering of his heart in his chest. A moment ago, he had felt cold, despite the warm water of the tub. Now, he was suddenly bathed in warmth. Opening his eyes, Barry found himself to be surrounded by a warm light.

He didn't know what this was. He didn't know if this was just the hallucinations of a dying brain or if he was already dead.

Barry looked around him in fear, but all he could see was the white light surrounding him.

He looked down at his body, the only thing he could see. He was shocked to see he was wearing his suit. Not the new dark one he had made as a replacement—his old red one. He didn't know what to make of it. He didn't have much time to ponder it, though. Barry's head suddenly snapped up, his eyes drawn away from his confusing attire when he heard a gentle voice calling out to him.

"Barry."

Barry's heart jolted in his chest when he saw the woman standing in front of him.

"Mom," he whispered, a wide smile forming on his face as tears filled his eyes.

She smiled sadly at him before slowly shaking her head.

"No, Barry," she said softly.

Barry felt the smile slowly slide from his face, dread quickly enveloping his heart.

"You're not my mother," he whispered.

She sadly shook her head again.

"You're the speed force," Barry choked, understanding.

She nodded, a look of immense sorrow on her face.

"Why am I here?" Barry demanded, his hands clenching into fists, "Why am I in the speed force?! I should be…"

"You can't move on to what comes next," she said sadly.

"Why?!" Barry demanded.

His mother let out a heavy sigh and gently took his hand, rubbing small circles into it with her thumb.

"This is where time remnants go, Barry," she said sadly, "This is where you have to wait."

Barry felt as if he had been dunked in a basin of cold water.

"Wait?" he whispered, his voice barely audible, "Wait for what?"

"Wait to move on," she answered, giving him a sad smile.

"Why?!" Barry demanded, "Why do I have to wait?! Why can't I move on now?!"

"Because you don't have a soul," she said sadly, "Not a full one, anyways."

Barry shook his head at her, overwhelmed with confusion and dread.

"But I do," he insisted desperately, "I'm a person! I'm Barry Allen!"

She shook her head at him again.

"You are Barry Allen," she agreed, "But not all of him. You're not a complete soul. Part of you is still in the world of the living."

Barry's eyes widened in understanding then.

"Him?!" he snarled, "The original Barry?!"

His mother nodded sadly at him.

"You're both Barry Allen," she explained gently, "The two of you share a soul. You're connected…two sides of the same coin."

"No, we're not," Barry gritted, "We're two different people now. Two separate lives. I don't share anything with him except my memories and half of my face."

She shook her head at him.

"No, Barry," she whispered, "You're still the same person, just split two different ways. Creating time remnants…it splits the soul. When two of the same person exist within the same timeline, their soul is shared between them. No matter how long you two remain separated, you'll always be connected to each other."

"I don't want to be connected to him," Barry spat, "I don't want anything to do with him!"

"Unfortunately, that isn't anything you'll ever be able to change," she told him, "You two are forever linked. That link can never be broken."

"So what does this mean for me?" Barry demanded, "If I can't move on, what am I supposed to do now?!"

His mother smiled sadly at him.

"Wait."

Barry shook his head at her.

"Wait for what?!" he snapped.

"For the other half of your soul to join you," she said sadly.

Barry stared at her.

"The other Barry?" he asked quietly.

She nodded.

"I'm supposed to just wait here?" Barry asked in a strained voice, "I'm supposed to wait here, in this…speed force limbo? Until he dies?!"

His mother nodded again.

"I can't do that!" Barry cried, "I can't stay here, waiting for the other Barry to die! I want to move on! I want to be reunited with my parents again! My real parents!"

"You will," his fake mother assured him, "You will see them again…when your other half dies and your souls merge back into one."

"I don't want to merge with him!" Barry sobbed, "I don't want that! I want to be me!"

"He is you," she said calmly, "And you are him. The two of you are the same."

"No, we're not!" Barry screamed, clutching the sides of his head in anguish, "We're not the same! I could never be like him! I hate him!"

"You hate yourself," she said calmly, "You have for a long time. It's time to finally let go of that hate now, Barry."

"I cant!" Barry sobbed, "My hate is all I have left!"

His mother slowly shook her head, a pitying expression on her face.

"My beautiful boy," she said softly, putting a hand to his cheek, brushing her fingers over his scars, "Such a wounded soul, yet so bright. Don't let your light flicker out now, Barry."

Barry closed his eyes, melting into the touch for a moment. And then his eyes snapped open.

"Stop!" he shouted, yanking her hand away from his face, "You're not my mother! Stop pretending to be! It's cruel! It's sick!"

"I'm not trying to trick you, Barry," she said sadly, "I'm trying to help you see."

"If you want to help me, you'll let me move on!" Barry sobbed, "Please! Just let me move on!"

The woman slowly shook her head, her eyes filled with sorrow for him.

"We can't let you do that, Barry," she said sadly, "I wish we could."

"Then let me go back!" Barry cried, "If I can't move on, then let me go back! Don't make me wait here! Don't make me merge with him! I can't bear it!"

"You can't go back," she said gently, "And even if you could, your fate with your other half is inevitable. No matter what you do, you two will become one when you both die."

"Then I never want to die!" Barry shouted, "Then I'll live forever! Anything to avoid becoming him!"

Nora Allen slowly shook her head at him.

"You're not immortal, Barry," she whispered, "You're not a god."

Barry turned away from her, his hands clenching into fists as he turned his back on her. He had heard people tell him he wasn't a god more times than he could count, but this time, his reaction to it was so different.

"Then I'll become one."