Chapter 10
Hey all! You all have been great so far, glad I can entertain. Just want to warn you the upcoming chapters may be emotionally intense for some, I understand emotional triggers all too well from tough pasts and wanted to extend the courtesy. I hope I can continue to entertain though!
Phoebe frantically texts Helga as she leaves the NYU Polytechnic Engineering Wing up to the crowded street, her bag straddled on her shoulder. Rushing to the nearest subway she ducks into the subway terminal switching her phone to 'airplane mode' saving battery. Phoebe and Helga decided to have a hangout weekend together to get through school work and have some fun with just the two of them to catch up. She knew the bus had outlets but she never left anything up to chance, but as always opted to plan accordingly. Relaxed on the subway car realizing she will be the intended 25 minutes early she had planned she allows herself to thumb through her book on coding and examines all the input protocols. She phases in and out picturing how each message is being sent through each circuit and terminal, as if she was translating a new language entirely.
Her focus was broken by a flickering subway light, in a frustrated manner she blows her bangs out of her face. She reaches into her bag, pulled out a sticky note, and proceeds to jot a note sticking it to the corner of the page giving her precise instructions for what to do when she reaches a reliable light source. After placing the book gingerly into her bag she plugs her headphones into her phone and decides to indulge herself with the extra battery she saved on some music. She and Helga shared very similar music taste, though she was, to be expected, a rigorous music nerd on top of being a well-researched engineer. She played "Cecilia and the Satellite" by Andrew McMahon, thinking fondly of Gerald and enjoyed how romantic he could be. Her mind went to a rare place, nostalgia, remembering the first time Gerald took her out to dinner, he complimented her on her eyes being like onyx stones despite her feeling they were plain old brown when they shined in the street light. The subway rattled around the turn shifting passengers, Phoebe clung to her bag and readjusted herself, then gave herself another chance to remember that night. It put a brief hum in her mouth and a pursed smile on her lips.
Port Authority seemed to appear like a mirage all but minutes later, Phoebe snaps her headphones off, folds them up and shoves them in her bag rushing into the exiting crowd.
'STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS PLEASE.' Blares on the loudspeaker, Phoebe plows her way past inconsiderate passengers attempting to rush in the doors closing just behind her.
She turns her head almost hatefully and hisses at the door. "Baka yaro!"
An elderly Japanese woman shuffling past her thoughtfully grabs her shoulder with an amused smile, "Don't waste your time." Phoebe smiles at her and they exchange stories on the walk up to their perspective buses. The elderly woman told her how she was just a child during Pearl Harbor and remembers the US internment camps in the west coast, she felt sad to see someone being hateful for something so trivial. Phoebe continued to walk feeling humbled listening dutifully to her stories and anecdotes, soaking in the wisdom through the stairs and escalators.
After scaling stairs and escalators she gets to the ticket line, pays her fare, and proceeds to her gate. Disappointedly she exhales seeing she was the third person on line. She smiles at the light coming into the terminal taking it as a consolation prize for being early even if not first in line. While unpacking her book a pigeon flies above her head, she smiles then flips to her sticky note combing through the lines of protocols and input commands until her bus arrives.
Helga futzes with her phone halfway between impatient and excited with Phoebe's arrival, a text buzzes 'On my bus now, should be there in approximately 1.25 hours.'
She looks at her phone in disbelief "Jesus does this chick have a built in GPS or something? She's like a frickin' robot." She sends a nonchalant text back confirming along with instructions to call on her arrival, then lightly squeezes her phone in excitement before placing back on her desk. She turns her laptop open, turning to her door ensuring it was closed and locked. She opens up Skype and places her status on 'invisible' then clicks over 'whimsical gentleman,' she closes her laptop chuckling in spite of herself for being sneaky over nothing. The chat history had nothing in it, at least nothing incriminating, still his words rang in her head.
"I will fly once more because I learned from an angel."
She smiles something melancholic feeling that the comment was undeserved but enjoying the affection intended by it. Snagging her phone she climbs up on her bed, setting the phone from vibrate to sound on preparing herself for a nap. After tucking herself under a small lavender fleece and her soft pink duvet cover she frees her feet from her sock-like prison. She wiggles her toes in sweet freedom relishing in the fleecey warmth, she smiles humming moving her face in circles on her pillow. For a moment she was in her own personal bliss, stretching out lightly still covered in the fleece blanket she flicked her phone open to put on some relaxing music. She hovered over "After the Flood" breathing heavy, thinking about seeing Arnold's focused face while he typed the beautiful words that swooned and 'inspired' her.
Her mind traveled roads of love and affection for miles until it reached its unintended destination. Thoughts of Arnold's muscular frame, husky voice, and commanding gaze tore through her creating a familiar, heated sensation. Her heart rattled against her rib cage attempting to bounce out in a slow, hammering fashion. The fleece blanket made its way next to her as she reached into her drawer and removed smooth plastic shaft from her drawer. I was cool and impersonal, but it did the trick. She rolls the bottom anticipating the buzzing hum it produced, picturing how she was going to 'remind him who she was' she teased her entrance slowly allowing the electrical ecstasy to surge through her body. Her walls tightened in aching want, becoming heated in hunger. Breathing deep and focused she slowly caressed her entrance, using two of her fingers to spread her lips for full access-
CHICK CHICK!
Her doorknob shakes fiercely. "Helga! You there?" Wolfgang yells out expectantly.
Silently she slithers back into her clothing, placing the toy back into her drawer and turning the music down on her phone. Wolfgang bellows again "Helga! Hey! You around? Come on!" Helga wraps herself in her blanket and shuffles to her door frustrated, bordering on angry for ruining her bliss.
She browbeats him, hoping the glare will send him on his way, speaking low. "What's up," she fakes a yawn, "I was napping, Pheebs is gonna be here in like an hour." She furrows her brows tightly as if light were actually a strain.
Wolfgang in fake excitement begins to question her, "Oh that's cool, did you guys have any plans?" He looks down uncertain if his tone was convincing her or just annoying her. Helga produces a real yawn and gestures him to come into her room. She pulls out her chair providing him a seat and she crawls up on her bed still wrapped in her blanket. Wolfgang sprawls out on her chair and opens up her laptop and sees the login screen focusing pensively. "So...when are you gonna tell me your password? You know mine why can't I know yours?"
Helga's glares angrily "Was that what you came here for? For that you could've called or texted or something, you had to wake me up? To start an argument?!"
Wolfgang tightens his posture, then condescendingly replies "This doesn't have to be a fight, if anything it could have been a simple 'Q' and 'A' or just a discussion. You're the one getting mad right now. What do you have to be mad about Helga? Seriously, you can talk to me-"
Helga seething at this point pinches her brows to her nose and exhales like a bull before responding. "Wolf cut the shit, it gets old really quick. I can't stand when you act so goddamned condescending. It's not you being calm, it's you being a dick and it pisses me off." Helga puts her knees up and hunches her shoulders creating a physical and emotional barrier preventing intimate contact.
Wolfgang combs his hair and leans back then in an eerie calm resets his posture, readjusting his shirt as if changing his approach. "Helga, seriously. I'm not looking for a fight, but when your girl cries out another man's name during sex it's gonna make you pissed, insecure, angry, confused-"
Helga frustrated cuts him off "Okay, I get it. I get it. Go ahead, I'll chill out." She never changes her posture out of instinct.
He continues, almost earnestly, "You get the gist. I came off wrong expecting your password, just I feel like I open everything up to you and I still feel like you're a clam to me. I want those pearls inside, I'll bet they're beautiful..." Wolfgang approaches her, Helga remains in the same posture more guarded than before slightly flattered but concerned.
Wolfgang brushes her leg with his hand, going into a caress, Helga clutches his hand and holds tight for a moment, exhaling deep before letting go. "Wolf, I'm not an easy person to penetrate-"
"Not entirely true. But go ahead." He shoots at her humorously.
Helga chuckles in spite of herself, then continues, "Poor choice of words. Okay, I'm a deep person and not the most welcoming. My childhood wasn't exactly picnics and barbecues, it sucked and letting people in let me down before. And as much I fucked up just remember bucko when you read my journal you insulted my poetry. Hell I still feel like my major's a joke to you, for fuck's sake I might get to become the first SUNY student to receive the MacArthur Fellowship in poetry OR fiction. And my poetry is still dirt a frickin' joke?! Crimeny man!"
Wolfgang shifting his posture reflecting his humility, he clears his throat, asking softly "When was the last time I've done that? I actually am starting to like your poetry...Helga why are you looking at me like that?" His face reflecting doubt.
Helga smiles grimly and replies "No no, this was getting good. Continue. Please." She shifts into sitting indian-style and props her elbows on her knees cupping her chin. Her face reflecting pure amusement in preparation for her response.
Wolfgang continues, feeling somewhat hopeless, "I like your poetry, it sounds deep sometimes. And I never knew you were up for a scholarship, you never told me."
Helga forcing back anger through a chuckle, "Wolfgang. Wolf. My friend. You sir are bullshit. Stop it. First of all, I have a scholarship now. That's what I work tirelessly to keep, I'm up for a prestigious fellowship which I've told you I want to say six or seven times already. Unfortunately I know the Turtle Beaches logo too well because I'm talking to that most of the time with a 'oh that's great hun' response. Now to the next item of bullshittery. Name one of my poems or tell me what you felt one of them was about. You'd be able to if you thought they were deep-"
Helga's phone rings 'Pheebs,' she glares at Wolfgang. "You're lucky, we're not done yet bucko."
Wolfgang begins to glare back angrily, he gets up and sees himself out, "Have fun." He slams the door behind him and walks back to his dorm, Helga picks up the call.
"Hey Pheebs, you here now?"
"Affirmative!" Phoebe chirps, "I think I'm near student union, I took a taxi to save time. I packed light don't worry, after I drop off my stuff at your room can we get a bite to eat? I didn't think I'd get this hungry."
Helga smiles appreciating the distraction, "Yeah sure. I'll meet you at student union, we can just grab a bite to eat there and then drop your stuff off at my place to save time."
Helga meets an awkwardly standing Phoebe at the bus stop, Helga swoops into a big bear-like hug picking her up holding tight, gently putting her down. Phoebe felt tension leaving her already reading that meant something was pent up, Helga gestures to the dining commons casually and Phoebe grabs her bags trotting at her side excited to fill up an empty tank.
They each get lunch and populate a corner booth with Phoebe's bags and their foodstuffs, Helga pokes at her chicken salad and watches Phoebe voraciously tackle her seafood dumplings. Phoebe notices Helga watching, she stops and resets her posture, continuing to eat in a more prim fashion. They both laugh hysterically, they hold hands for a second and smile, Phoebe grips tightly and then lets go feeling her remaining tension she sets her chopsticks down. "Hey Helga, I'm so happy to be here right now. I really needed a break from my coding and could use some R&R, thanks for having me." Phoebe was lying but she knew Helga long enough how to ease into the hard questions and when to bluntly ask the harsh ones.
Helga's posture slumping, more relaxed than upset, she smiles lightly and responds. "Honestly, that makes two of us. I need a break from people for a while, just guys in general. I know you just got here Pheebs, I just had a rough conversation with Wolfgang and we didn't get to finish it yet. I'm a little flustered and want closure on the situation."
Phoebe nods and gestures her to continue earnestly, "Please continue, you should get it out of your system now so it doesn't fester. Besides, don't let a conversation ruin a perfectly good weekend!" She chirps optimistically, awaiting her response.
"Pheebs, you're a sweetheart thanks. Nah, so he came to my dorm just to ask for my password to my computer. To fucking snoop! He doesn't even try to deny it, he just bullshits me by saying I know his and that this doesn't have to be an argument. My ass." Helga picks at her salad some more and the opts to take a bite.
Phoebe cautiously readjusts her glasses as if preparing her response, "Well, I'm just playing devil's advocate here but if you told him your password and you asked for his and he said 'No' wouldn't you be suspicious or upset?"
Helga nods acknowledging the thought, "I would if it wasn't Wolfgang." Phoebe somewhat taken aback and but not surprised but the directness of the response, thinking of how the comment would sting if he heard it. "But I didn't ask for his password, he just gave it to me and then keeps asking for mine. Hell, I don't even remember his. I've never bothered to use it, I have no use! I just don't ever feel completely at ease with him. To be honest I don't even know anymore with him. All he seems to want is to pry into my business and between my legs-" Phoebe chuckles, "What? I didn't know this was a comedy club. What's so funny?"
Phoebe chuckles more, "Helga, I don't mean to laugh at your situation but you have a way with words sometimes that just hits me the right way at the wrong time. But honestly it sounds like you two have some serious unfinished business you need to sort out. I don't mind giving you two some space to figure that out, I can just do some coding during the day so you two can speak, just call me if anything happens okay? I can be there ASAP."
Helga sighs very deeply, almost somber at this point. "Honestly, my biggest problem is that he can't handle adversity well. Every time we get into a serious conversation he tries to either avoid it, control it, or on rare occasion pretend he's intimidating. What it realistically ends in is him crying and me taking care of him until he has shitty make up sex with me or he hurts himself. Sometimes I get some real progress with him in handling tougher situations and dealing with his insecurities. But, this is honestly the kicker. God please don't judge me Pheebs," she looks around and sighs again, speaking more softly as she continues, "I yelled Arnold's name during sex before-" Phoebe gasps covering her mouth stifling a laugh and hiding a smile. "Wolfgang hasn't really gotten over that, just when we were getting somewhere too. I really fucked him up with that one. Like I feel like we string each other along, he tries to control me sometimes but it's pretty damn obvious but he hits me with this one every time it gets bad: 'Please don't leave me alone, I'm afraid I can't handle it.'"
Phoebe concerned and angry looks back at her, in a low tone she responds, "That's low. I have to ask do you believe he means it?"
"Yes. It's one of the few genuine things about him, he will hurt himself. I feel like I'm in a hostage situation being in a relationship with him. I don't feel safe, so why the hell would I want to open up to a ticking time bomb? And what makes it worse was this past summer-" Helga winces, "Shit. Pheebs I never told you about this summer. I'm sorry. On some for real shit, it's been a messy few months, I'm really sorry."
Phoebe holds her hand firmly, "You don't have to tell me every little thing you know, you're your own person. You can have secrets, ideas, passions, desires, needs, and interests that only you need to worry yourself with. All I ask is if you're in crisis and you need help to let us help you, nobody should be in crisis alone if they don't need to be. As for this summer we can talk about it now or later, it's up to you. Heck, if you're not comfortable you don't have to at all." She let's go of her hand to reassure her.
Helga breathes in deep and exhales her stress, "We might want to get dessert, we'll be here for a while. That okay with you?" She begins to shuffle out of the booth pulling out her ID card to prepare to pay. Phoebe nods and they scurry up in light excitement for a sweet treat in preparation for a less than sweet conversation.