Jay Halstead's Apartment
The night before she'd been too exhausted to do much other than lay pathetically in his bed while he walked Rachel to her car with whatever explanation he'd given her for the sudden change of plans. He'd ordered them dinner and got her something to ice her injury with as well, because the main was apparently up for sainthood. Once he'd returned, he'd coaxed her into making her way to the living room to sit on the couch.
He'd spend a considerable amount of time studying the massive bruise on her rib cage, while they watched TV and ate, before laying a towel over it and placing the bag of frozen peas he'd retrieved from the fridge. She'd eaten a few bites of pizza but then fell asleep on the couch so he'd carried her to bed and shut off her alarm since she'd confessed she'd been ordered to stay home. While she slept he'd taken her keys and gone to her place. There, he'd gotten her some clothes, two of her favorite pillows, the bottle of crazy expensive wine they'd started last week, and that sweatshirt of his she'd claimed as her own.
Upon his return he'd find her vaguely in a state between awake and asleep and he'd fix the pillows around her, place the clothes on the nightstand next to her, and then slide in next to her, stroking her arm gently until she'd at last drifted into real sleep again.
Around two in the morning, the shot would completely wear off and the pain would rush back all at once, it seemed. She'd wake up with a yelp of pain and he'd shoot forward, startled awake as well. "Baby, what is it?"
A whimper would fall from her lips as the tears came. "It just hurts, so bad." She'd finally manage, pulling herself up by her arms to sit as Jay turned on the lamp next to his side of the bed. "Hurts to even breathe…" She'd gripe.
"Did they give you pain meds?" His question was more than innocent but it would bring up a lot of feelings in her and her confession would come out all at once.
"I… I can't. I was—I am an addict. Specifically to pain pills like the ones that would help me now." She'd grit her teeth through the pain and Jay would give her a look that could only be described as pity before rising from the bed in quiet understanding. "I guess I deserve it; I did a lot of shitty things on drugs and to get them so it is almost justice that when I really need them, I can't have them." She'd say quietly, more to herself then him. He'd hand her some over the counter pain management meds that would, just as they had in the hospital, do almost nothing for her. Her breath would be more labored now as she felt the sharpness of each inhalation. "I'm sorry," She'd whisper, after forty minutes had passed of her moaning in pain and gasping each time she took a sharp breath; she knew she was undoubtedly ruining his own chance at sleep.
"Erin, you don't have to apologize for being in pain. And, for the record, I don't care what you did in your past; you deserve nothing but good things for all you do for people all the time." He'd said softly, rising from the bed and disappearing. He was gone for long enough she was starting to think he'd fallen asleep on the couch but he'd reenter the bedroom just as that thought was about to spill tears from her eyes and he'd place a new bag of frozen veggies and a small towel next to her. "Maybe this will help a little?" He'd offer, sitting next to her on the bed and facing her, his hand coming to stroke her right thigh in what he hoped was a way that might bring her some comfort. "Later, we'll find a better solution." He'd start gently. "But, I did grab that wine we'd started at your place, that might do at least something to take the edge off?" She'd be willing to try anything, so his suggestion would be met with a nod. As such, he'd rise once again, leave the room, and come back wielding the bottle of wine alone, knowing a wineglass would be more of a formality at this point. She'd opt for a couple swigs straight away and it would certainly help to take the edge off a little and at the very least it helped her find sleep again.
Their night would be far from restful but when she'd wake up with a whimper or even the slightest snivel, he'd awake too and either hand her the wine, stroke her hair, or find some way to soothe her sweetly; even it was just to remind her he loved her like crazy. She'd fade in and out of sleep for the next few hours until around eight, when she'd finally find a consistent two hours of restfulness.
He'd escape again during that small window to work on that 'better solution' to her pain. Upon his return, he'd find her posted up on the couch, frozen vegetables affixed to her side and the pillows propped up around her. "Hey beautiful." He'd grin gently, dropping a kiss on her forehead.
"Hey yourself, handsome." She'd say, shifting her legs to make room for him. "Where'd you run off to? Visiting Rachel?" She'd tease, but her smirk would let him know her joke was rooted in good fun, not jealousy.
"Hardly." He'd shake his head, but his smile would still be present. "Actually, I was getting this." He'd reach into a small brown bag that bore the label of a local organic and health food store. From the bag, he'd produce a bottle of pills labeled willow bark. "Okay, so… history nerd time," He'd begin. "Willow bark has been used as a pain reliever and anti-inflammatory for legitimately thousands of years. We're talking its use has been traced back to Hippocrates, that's like 400 BC!" She wouldn't be able to contain the grin that grew into dimples at the way he seemed so excited to share these facts with her. "Now in those times, people would actually chew on the bark from the trees. Luckily, the practice has become more civilized, and it's been made into pill form. I won't bore you with more information, but… it might help? At least a little…" He'd trail off and hand her the bottle.
"Okay first, what the fuck? Honestly, where were you made?" She'd giggle gently, because this man was so beyond perfect, she truly couldn't understand how he'd wound up in her path; not that she was complaining. "You are ridiculously hot when you get all history buff on me, I have to admit." She'd add, and she'd reach out to grab a fistful of his shirt and pull him towards her so she could kiss him softly. "Thank you, babe." She'd whisper against his lips before capturing them again in a slightly more heated kiss, before doing so had made the sharpness return to her side. "You are the most thoughtful man, I swear." Her thumb would run over his lip gently, appreciating the softness of it, before getting up to get herself something to drink so she could give his new solution a try. While in the kitchen, she'd toast them both bagels for breakfast; her own small domesticated show of appreciation and thanks.
The pills wouldn't be as effective as they'd hoped but they'd still help slightly more than the ibuprofen had last night, even if it was only because she'd had a better attitude towards it. He'd put on one of his documentaries, if only because he knew it would make her fall asleep and just as he'd expected, it worked like a charm. He'd be content though, because she'd passed out with her head in his lap, lying on her good side, as he'd stroked her hair and there was legitimately nowhere else he'd rather be then right where he was at that moment.
The film would long be over when she stirred awake again and she'd be surprised to find herself alone on the couch when she did. "Jay?" She'd call, not wanting to be bothered with the effort of lifting herself up to look for him.
"Coming!" His voice would sound not too far away, which would indicate that he was in the kitchen and mere seconds later he was padding out to her. "How you feeling?" He'd ask, studying her face and moving to help her sit up at her request.
"Like I got hit in the ribs with a crowbar?" She'd giggle gently, which would cause her face to pull in pain, but it was true; she still felt like absolute shit. "But, a little better now that I've gotten a decent nap and that magical hippy medicine from my favorite smarty pants." She'd grin up at him, puckering her lips slightly to indicate she wanted another kiss. He'd oblige more than happily.
"I was just fixing us some lunch, my own spin on the common BLT." He'd kiss her again and then disappear for another few minutes before returning to sit next to her with two plates and a bag of potato chips. "I present, the BLAT! A BLT, with avocado."
Her eyes would light up. "Fuck you know I love avocado." She'd say excitedly, taking the plate and kissing his cheek as she did so. "You a far too good to me. It actually kind of freaks me out sometimes." She'd confess that last part honestly.
"Kind of sad that you think someone loving and taking care of you is being too good to you, babe." He'd say back gently, patting her leg. "But, honestly, can you get used to it, please? Because this is just how it's always going to be. You don't need to worry that the other shoe is going to drop or something. I love you, like crazy. It kind of freaks me out," He'd say those words in jest, mirroring her own confession, but there was truth to them. He'd never loved anyone the way he loved Erin; and he never wanted to. The all-consuming nature of his feelings for her was almost overwhelming at times. "You're it for me, babe. So you can't blame me for wanting to show you that everyday, can you?" His words were earnest and the way he looked at her would make her melt.
"Honestly, what lab were you made in?" She'd giggle and kiss him. "You're amazing, I can totally get used to this." She'd admit happily and the pair of them would share another smile before they dug in to their lunch. Her mouth would still be full of the last bite when her next words would come. "Move in with me." So, maybe it wouldn't take her an entire month to find the courage to make that request, but it would be slightly muddled by the food so she'd swallow and then try again, "I… when your lease ends; I want you to move in with me. I mean, if you don't want to I totally—" She wouldn't be able to finish because her lips would be occupied by his suddenly in the middle of speaking.
"I thought you'd never ask." He'd grin, brushing his thumbs over her cheeks. "Yes, I'd love to. More than anything." He'd add and even though it may have caused her a bit of pain to do so, she'd move to straddle him on the couch.
"One more request?" She'd say, almost timidly, as his hands came to rest carefully on her hips.
"Anything." He'd say instantly, her forehead coming to rest against his.
"Make love to me," She'd whisper, her hands tangling into his hair.
He'd be tempted to ask if she was sure, because in her present condition, it may not be the best idea but the way she'd looked at him would tell him she was and he would be more careful than ever as he stood up with her still in his lap, his hands coming under her to hoist her up as he walked them down the hall.
He'd make the sweetest, slowest, most careful love to her in his bed; somehow expertly working around the sharp pains that came with breathing. When they'd both finished he'd moved down so he was next to her and he'd press the sweetest kisses over her bruise. He wouldn't have to speak the words to remind her that she was his only thing.
However, when his phone screen had lit up and she'd heard it vibrate for what felt like the tenth time since they'd move into the bedroom, she'd give him a questioning look. "Who is blowing you up? She'd ask, looking over at him with a confused expression despite having her own suspicions as to who may be so persistent in their want to reach him.
He'd feel almost uneasy to tell her, even though he really had nothing to hide. "The last three times it was Rachel…" He'd feel a little guilty as he spoke the words.
"Answer it, see what she wants!" There would legitimately be no jealousy or fakeness in her voice when she said that but it would still cause him to roll his eyes at the suggestion.
"I'm good." He'd laugh and then move to silence his phone completely because as far as he was concerned the only person he really cared to be in touch with right now was right in front of him.
"Okay, I have to ask; what's the story with her? She's either slept with you or regrets that she never did; one of the two. Which is it?" She'd eye him as she asked the questions, to see if her investigative skills would give her a clue to his answer before he spoke it out loud.
He'd shift uncomfortably as he looked at her, "Rachel and I have never slept together, Erin." He'd start there, but she could tell there was more to the story. "We had a little thing, three years ago. Nothing serious; a few study dates after we met, as she said, in the university library cramming for a class we both had. Rachel is beautiful, obviously, and she's intelligent. But she's not my type. She's very vain and very materialistic." He'd confirm with a nod, looking into her eyes to see how she took that in.
Jealously would bubble up in her even if this had all taken place in the past, before he knew her, because the idea of him being with anyone in any capacity was enough to drive her crazy. "Clearly not cabin material." She'd say simply, smirking at him, opting not to let that jealousy she felt rear it's ugly head and cause strife between them when it obviously didn't need to. He'd said she wasn't his type and she'd take that at face value; because she trusted him completely.
"Clearly." He'd agree, his own smirk growing now. His phone would light up again, this time indicating he had a voicemail, and her eyes would light up slightly with almost eager anticipation. "What's that look about?" He'd ask, noticing the excitement that played on her face.
"Ten bucks says she's asking you out in that message." She'd smile, glancing at his phone briefly and then looking back at him again.
"Ten bucks? No, something better than that, because I guarantee she isn't." He'd challenge back, rather confident.
"Fine, name the terms. I promise you I'm right. She is totally the type of girl who wants what she can't have. I met her for all of five minutes and I can figure that out." That wasn't even her detective skills at work; it as her knowledge of the way girl's like Rachel always seemed to be. She should know; she'd gone to a private high school courtesy of the Voight's that was full of Rachels.
He'd stare at her and consider briefly the fact that she read people for a living and was probably using some of those skills in her discernment, but Rachel was just a friend and he'd made it more than clear to her that Erin was on the exact opposite end of the relationship spectrum. "Full body massage." He'd say, extending his hand to her, eyeing her studiously as he did.
"Deal!" She'd smile and then she'd grab his phone from his hands to hit the speaker option and play the message.
"Hey Jay, Listen… seeing you the other night it just; it really reminded me how great we could have been. I know you have a girlfriend, but… we should grab dinner and really catch up, just the two of us. Call me! Or text… whatever. I look forward to hearing from you, handsome!"
Erin loved being right, it honestly trumped whatever negative feelings she had over some woman from Jay's past trying to put the moves on him. "HAH! Told you!" She'd laugh gently, and some karmic justice would come into play next, because the act of laughing would cause her to grab her side as it seared with pain again at her over-celebration. But it wouldn't stop her from continuing to brag. "I win!" She'd boast, smirking at the dumbfounded look on his face, her smile would dissolve into a giggle again; the act of which would remind her of the pain in her ribs; but she'd still find amusement in the situation regardless.
"I told her things were serious between us, I swear!" He'd defend, but she would be far from mad at him.
"Oh, I'm sure you did. But that probably just made you more attractive and desirable to her, honestly. Women are… complex creatures, babe." She'd lean over and kiss him gently. "I'm going to rain check that massage though, until I can fully appreciate it."
He couldn't help at smile at that, he should've known better than to go against his detective girlfriend's observation skills. "Deal, although either way, I really feel like I won this bet. Because giving you a naked rub down is not a punishment, at all."
She would laugh gently at that, but it would be one laugh too many and that willow bark wasn't strong enough to keep the pain at bay. "Ow, fuck. Stop being adorable, I can't laugh anymore." She'd smile, rising from the bed, using her foot to hook her shirt from the floor and kick it into the air so she could catch it and put it back on. She'd perform similar stunts with her underwear and pajama pants until she was clothed once again (with his assistance) and they'd spend the rest of the day loafing around peacefully.
Erin Lindsay's Apartment
She'd uncharacteristically milk her injury because being taken care of by Jay was amazing and he was spoiling her with her favorite foods, foot rubs, and generally doing for her or giving her anything her heart desired. She wasn't used to being doted on, but she could certainly get used to it. She'd texted Hank to ask for another day to recover and he'd given it to her without a second thought because if she felt like she needed it, then he did too.
She'd spend another sleepless night with Jay, but this time they'd migrated to her place. Another night of listening to her whimper every single time she rolled over or so much as coughed would have Jay feeling utterly useless, so as soon as he felt it was acceptable (which would be sometime after six in the morning) he'd gotten out of bed and called Will to see if he had any solutions. He'd suggested that she come in for another of the shot's that had helped her so much the day of her initial injury. So, being able to take her in this state no longer, he'd waited for her to 'wake up' (a term he used lightly because he wasn't sure she'd ever actually fallen asleep) and tell her about Will's advisements. She'd be more than willing to head to Med, so that's exactly what they'd done and two hours later, she'd fall asleep in the car on the ride home because the almost instantaneous numbing effect of the nerve blocker would finally bring her peace.
Thankful that exhaustion had finally consumed her, he'd do his best not to wake her and he'd unbuckle her seatbelt and successfully pick her up and carry her up three flights of stairs; her eyes would flutter open a few times but not enough to fully draw her out of her slumber, so he'd lie her down in her bed and cover her up to sleep as long as possible upon getting them inside. He'd feel exceedingly accomplished after completing that feat, especially unlocking the door with her in his arms (he'd be almost disappointed that no one had been there to witness it).
His sense of accomplishment would send him to the kitchen to tidy up and it would really hit him that she'd asked him to move in. At this point he had a little less than three weeks until his lease was up and he realized that he'd done little to no apartment hunting in the hopes of this exact scenario playing out. As he set to work cleaning out the fridge of disgustingly old left-overs, he'd feel compelled to rearrange some cabinets and before he knew it, three hours had gone by and he'd moved from the kitchen, to the guest room, to the living room and her place was looking almost as neat as his when he'd be stirred from the window he was currently wiping down by the sounds of her waking up. It was then he would consider if he'd gone a little too far in his cleaning adventure. She'd emerge from the bedroom before he finished the task at hand and he'd greet her with a warm smile. "Bad news, I think we may have gone into the wrong apartment after we left Med…" She'd trail off, observing the cleanliness of the living room with a smirk.
"I may have gotten a little carried away cleaning while you were asleep; I was just trying to be helpful but sometimes I get a little anal retentive." His completely appropriate use of the word anal would still garner a giggle from her, one that wouldn't cause her pain thanks to the shot she'd gotten.
"Get carried away whenever you want," She'd smile, moving over to him, wrapping her arms around his waist. He's arms would settle similarly around her and he'd place a contented kiss to her forehead. "That shot is some strong stuff, I hardly even remember getting out of car; much less making it upstairs." As the words left her lips the memory would flood back. "Wait? Did you carry me?" She'd ask, tilting her head to the side. The smile that grew on his lips would let her know he was guilty as charged. "Jay Halstead, seriously. You're too good to be true. I need you to have flaws! You're giving me a complex. I'm not even half as good to you as you are to me."
"Oh please, you're legitimately the most amazing woman I've ever met. Besides, you've officially saved me from being homeless in a couple weeks, consider this a preemptive thank you. Plus, I have the entire summer off to relax and your job has you getting hit with crowbars, I think you're long overdue for being a little bit spoiled by a man who is crazy about you." And he'd mean that, because honestly the life she'd lived up to this point had earned her more than what he'd done for her and his current plan was to spend the rest of his life showing her that. "Besides; you are incredibly sexy and excellent to take on adventures; what more could I ever need? Have to do something to keep a woman like you on the hook." He'd wink at her and grin gently, she was so much more than either of the words he'd used to describe her, but he'd stop himself from carrying on too much; lest it make her uncomfortable. He'd noticed early on in their relationship that when he laid the compliments on too thick, she tended to clam up.
"Well the least you can do is let me take you to lunch. There's that new little Middle Eastern place two blocks west and I think you've officially convinced me to try a falafel." She'd pat her stomach, which seemed to growl on cue. "And, if I remember correctly it's also a used book store so you're basically going to cum in your pants as soon as we walk in."
Ikebab Crane Middle Eastern Restaurant and Book Store
"This place is amazing already, the name alone gets me but the fact that this is also a book store is really sending me over the edge," Jay would note, almost giddy as he opened the door for her. They'd order their food at a counter and then browsed the expansive collection of already-loved books that lined the walls and shelves scattered strategically around tables and chairs. Jay would almost immediately find two books on Mesopotamia that he would absolutely need and would send him down a rabbit hole of ancient world history stories that kept them both occupied until their food arrived.
"Wow, I just talked about the Epic of Gilgamesh for an embarrassingly long amount of time, why didn't you stop me? I'll still love you, even when you grow tired of my longwinded explanations of historical information that is far to near and dear to my heart to be considered normal." He'd smirk, taking a bite of the tabouli salad he'd ordered on the side.
"I love it, besides I wasn't necessarily the best student so; it's like I'm learning when you go off on one of your tangents." She'd grin, taking a labored breath before digging in to her own meal. She really could listen to this man talk for hours about anything and never get bored. He was beyond fascinating and he had such a captivating way of telling stories that even when the topics he'd go off on tangents about seemed potentially dull, he'd always make them interesting. The rest of their meal would be spent in a similar vain, he'd regale her with more tails of ancient civilizations and they'd have their fill of Middle Eastern fares before heading back to her place.
Erin Lindsay's Apartment
Upon their return she'd notice that he'd done more than just organize the living room. She'd get over the initial anger that had threatened her; feeling a bit intruded upon at first by his candid way of taking over without asking. By the time she'd taken in all of his handiwork, she'd walk up behind him and wrap her arms around his waist. "I know your lease isn't up yet but; you should just move in now. I'm pretty sure this place looks more like a home than it ever has before and… honestly; the idea of having you to come home to everyday is the only thing motivating me even remotely to get back to work."
"Is it bad I have been trying to figure out all day how to bring that idea up?" He'd smile softly and kiss her. "I mean, let's be real we've basically lived together for weeks now. The asking was just a formality." She'd nod in agreement and they'd share another tender kiss.
"True story," She'd agree, brushing her hair back as she snuggled up to him; thankful that the shot was still in full effect. "You know…" That realization would give her some devious thoughts. "We should take a bath. In our bathtub." They'd both have giant smiles due to her choice of phrasing there.
"You are really full of great ideas today, aren't you?" He'd ask, kissing her gently. "But fair warning there is no way that this doesn't turn sexy really fast so if that isn't your intention then, let me know so I can prepare myself."
"Why do you think I suggested it?" She'd ask with a sly smirk, tugging at his shirt but letting him remove it, as lifting her arm wasn't exactly the most pleasant experience. That reminder would set him to work carefully undressing her and then they'd make their way to the bathroom, staggered by kisses and intimate touches, until the faucet was on filling the tub until there was enough water that they were climbing in.
Hands would roam and lips would follow as he got in first and then she'd settled against him. She'd basically melt into him as he'd set to work running a washcloth over her arms and gradually over the rest of her in such a way that would make even a tedious task as that seem incredibly sexual. The washcloth would be discarded in favor of fingers and lips and small pleasures would be bestowed around her upper half, with special mind paid to her breasts until the moans he was getting were interrupted with whimpers unmistakably born from pain and he'd know it was getting to be too much for her to handle.
Yet, as sensual as things gotten in that tub, the experience would be more beautiful than anything because yet again he'd find another way to show off how perfect he was; in the way he'd so carefully handled her and tended to her with the utmost sensitivity.
The perfectness of the moment would have her clamming up; self-sabotaging in true Erin Lindsay fashion. She wouldn't be able to stop these feelings of unease though because when things were this amazing; the fallout was equally as terrible, her fight or flight instincts would kick in against her will. "One day, you're going to realize I'm not worth any of this." She'd mutter with a sigh but her words were almost inaudible as she shifted against him.
"Hmm?" He'd ask with closed eyes, his fingers tracing up the insides of her thighs gently, distractedly as they fluttered back open. "I didn't catch that."
She'd be momentarily diverted by the light touches that felt so intimate, but that nagging feeling that she needed to protect herself would win out against her want to enjoy this moment. "We…. it's too good to be true, isn't it? You're going to move in and realize that I'm not worth all the trouble I inevitably bring with me." Born into bad news meant it was always going to be a part of her, even if he managed to make that part of her seemingly latent whenever he was around.
"That's not true, Erin." His tone would remain gentle as his hands moved up to her sides and he leaned in to kiss her shoulder. The act would bring her more comfort than she wanted to admit but when she'd resolved herself to ruining something, she almost always saw it through; so she'd sort of shrug him off even if it was nearly impossible to really get away from in given their current arrangement in the tightly confined space; every inch of them touching.
"You don't understand what you're getting yourself into." She'd decided if she wanted to stay resigned to seeing this through she'd have to remove herself from the tub but his grip on her would tighten slightly and so she'd lie to get her way. "Stop, Jay. You're hurting me." The agitation elicited from her words would be obvious even though she didn't mean what she'd said, he'd still let go of her and watch her rise from the tub as she continued her original diatribe as she wrapped a towel around herself. "This isn't real life, you and me. It's… you being perfect all the time is exhausting. Mess up! Yell at me! Say shitty things I'll pretend to forgive you for but never forget. That's the relationship I know how to function in. Not this kind… it's too much pressure. You never mess up! But I do. I constantly do. I mean you managed in three hours to clean my place more than I have in the entire time I've lived here! That shit is going to piss you off eventually. I'm a mess and beyond that, I don't give a shit that I'm a mess. I like being a mess. I thrive in messes! You, on the other hand… you like to live in a museum! Everything in its special spot… it's going to be a problem. Just wait. Or… maybe don't, maybe we shouldn't—" He'd chose now to interrupt her rambling because he'd been predisposed to to let her get it all out but he wouldn't let her say that they should reconsider their newly decided upon living arrangement before it had a chance to come to fruition. She was just freaking out, he wasn't going to let her spiral completely.
"Erin, calm down." He'd regret that choice of words instantly because her face would narrow and she'd move to leave the bathroom, "Wait, wait. Okay… not the best phrasing on my part, you are calm. Your feelings are totally legitimate—" She'd cut him off as he trailed after her, stopping only to wrap a towel around his waist. They would track water all over the floor as she left the bedroom and it would make him cringe, which would only reinforce her point about his cleanliness not aligning to her not giving a fuck.
"STOP! Stop psychoanalyzing me… or talking to me like I'm one of your students who has come to you for advice! I don't need to be told my feelings are legitimate! I don't need to be fucking coddled." She'd be beyond irritated as she turned around to look at him, glaring.
"Well, forgive me, but when you act childish, I go into teacher mode." If he'd regretted telling her to calm down, those feelings had been conquered because he'd grow annoyed at her constant negativity even in the face of his gentleness. She wanted a fight right now and she wasn't going to let him off the hook without seeing it through. So, his own resolve to remain calm and even-tempered would falter with this newly acquired knowledge and understanding.
Even though he was giving her exactly what she wanted, it would still piss her off. "So expressing my concerns is childish?"
"No, but the way you've chosen to express them certainly is." He'd say with an even tone, which would annoy her even more.
"Well take it or leave it, Jay. This is me. This is how I get when I'm…." She wasn't really sure how she intended to finish that sentence but he'd take a stab at it for her.
"Scared? Vulnerable? Dare I say… happy?"
"STOP!" She'd raise her voice louder than before. "I asked you to stop being perfect. Can't you just yell or something? Can't you be annoyed with me? Tell me I'm ruining this like we both know I am? Whatever you decide to do; can it please not be helpful?" The ridiculousness of her request wouldn't be lost on her.
"Do you know what I hear when you say that? I hear: Jay, can't you just treat you like shit like everyone else who's claimed to love me has?" His eyes would narrow now, because the fact she could even think he'd be capable of being that way would disgust him a bit. "The answer is: NO! No, I really can't. And you know why you love me, babe? It's because I don't. I'm not acting perfect. I'm not acting like anything. It's easy with you… to find the right things to say and do because making you happy is important to me and I'm not going to apologize for being myself. I'm sorry you don't know how to accept that, I'm not sure what else to do."
"See what I fucking mean? I mean listen to you, even when you're mad and frustrated you're being sickeningly sweet! It's too much for me. I get that I should be grateful but I just… I can't." She'd tug a pair of sweatpants on and attempt to put on her shirt but it would hurt, and he'd try to help and she'd yell again. "STOP! I'm fine by myself, I always have been." Her words would be thickly coated with aggression and despondence. Even though she knew it was nothing for him to help her, she'd refuse his assistance and he'd watch her with great annoyance as she struggled unnecessarily.
He would however, take these moments of her shutting up to concentrate on the task at hand as a chance to defend himself with a little more detail. "I'm not perfect Erin. I've just had a lot of therapy and PTSD support groups to work out my shit and find healthy ways to cope. If you'd met me about eight years ago, you'd have the asshole version of me you want to show his face right now. But, I worked hard as hell to get that bastard under control. So, I'm not letting him out just because your shitty role models for functioning relationships have made you feel that the way you handle intense situations is to yell and say shit you don't mean." His frustration would actually manage to soften her slightly, enough that she'd stopped struggling at let him help her ease into the shirt she was trying to wear. He'd take her silence as a cue to continue his words and he'd work cautiously to help her dress again.
"I was a shitty person! I drank and fucked away my problems for a while instead of dealing with them. We both have dark shit in our pasts; I don't plan to hold yours against you. If it would make you feel better I can tell you all sorts of stories that will show you how far I am from perfect." Intrigue would flash in her eyes then. "The innocent people I've killed. The faces of children I've murdered. The men I left behind overseas that I could have done more to save. The brother's I lost to suicide, depression, addiction; people who reached out when they needed me and found no one there." The darkness that passed over his eyes would be enough to weaken her resolve to carry this on to the point of no return and her features would soften immediately. It would motivate her to move towards him, placing a gentle hand on his tightly folded crossed arms; resting on his bicep. The things she'd said hadn't ben fair; he was right. But, she wouldn't dare speak yet, knowing he wasn't finished.
"So call it pity, Erin, if it makes you feel better. But maybe this is just me, doing it right for once. Being there when someone needs me; that's new to me too okay? And I'm never going to apologize for supporting you or picking you up when you need it. Even when you're being kind of an asshole, I still love the hell out of you." The way she'd soften with his realness would prompt him to give her more. Maybe sharing his own concerns and misgivings would help them both right now. "Honestly, sometimes it pisses me off how much I need you, okay? Have you considered that? It fucking sucks to ache for a woman who is independent and needs no one! To watch you off being a fucking bad ass when I'm wearing fucking vests and bow ties and teaching students why our country is so historically amazing yet does little to nothing to support or protect the men and women who devote their lives to protecting it. I feel like shit sometimes too, Erin. I have bad selfish days and I used to the kind of guy who would've gladly taken those feelings out on you. But, I've worked hard not to be. Can you respect where I'm coming from, please?" He wouldn't realize how exasperated he'd grown until she was placing a calming hand on his rapidly heaving chest.
"Yes, I can and… fuck I'm a selfish cunt sometimes." She'd lean up and kiss him gently. He'd done nothing but support and be there for her and like always; she'd tried to ruin that. She knew exactly why she'd chosen to lash out though, so she wouldn't do him the disservice of pretending this was just random. "This thing with Rachel it just sort of reminded me how many women out there would probably kill to be with you. And how many of them could give you so much more than I can…"
"Can we both agree that as a grown as man I know what and who I want and I am perfectly capable of deciding for myself if you are or aren't what I want and desperately need?"
She wouldn't be able to stop herself from smiling; "Fair enough, babe." She'd say finally, moving to nestle against him where he stood in the middle of their bedroom. "I'm sorry; I'd love to say this won't happen again but knowing my propensity to self-sabotage; I know that would be a lie. So, I'll just say this instead," She'd take a deep breath and look lovingly into his eyes. "You're always going to be my everything; even when I don't act like it."
"And you're always going to be my only thing. No matter who tries to change that."