10. And Then There's You

"And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe without you, but I have to
Breathe without you, but I have to

It's 2AM
Feel like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me"

(Breathe - Taylor Swift)

"That sounds just like" Tommy began, but a noise from the hallway was interrupting him and he didn't finish the sentence when he heard Jude coming. Instead he tried to mentally prepare himself for whatever he was in for.

"So, now you got some explaining to do." Jude told Nikki in a serious voice as soon as she had entered the room. She didn't acknowledge Tommy, but sat down on the chair farthest away from him.

"What can I say. I just thought you'd be happy to see an old friend of yours." Nikki explained non-committed, but there was a certain sparkle in her eyes, giving her away. She was clearly not as innocent as she was trying to lead on.

"An old friend?" Jude asked somewhat incredulously and annoyed. "Hardly."

Nikki looked at her friend innocently and with wide eyes. Like she hadn't figured that out already. Really, it hadn't been that hard. It wasn't like Jude had acted anything but obvious.

"You two were never friends? Oh, then I'm sorry. He just seemed so... sincere." Nikki said and winked at Jude. The latter knew that Nikki had actually wanted to say hot, but had refrained from it. Jude had to fight the smile that was trying to get out, but she reminded herself why this whole incident totally wasn't funny and why she was avoiding looking over to Nikki's right side.

Jude groaned at the mere thought of losing herself once again in these unbelievably blue eyes. She of course immediately scolded herself for even thinking about something like that right now. After a few moments she gave in to her bad conscience. Maybe she had been a little bit harsh and what she had said hadn't been exactly true. Hadn't she decided earlier that she would quit lying and beating around the bush? She had planned to tell Nikki the truth tonight.

"Ok, so maybe we were friends. Kinda. But that was in another life. Didn't I tell you often enough that I'm trying to leave my past behind?" Jude asked somewhat pleadingly. She knew that Nikki was dying to know more about her past, and that this curiosity was a part of the reason that Jude was in the current situation. But still, she needed Nikki to give her some more time. She'd tell her eventually, but it wasn't easy for her either. It hadn't been easy telling Nathan and he was the one who totally got her and was way less impulsive than Nikki.

"Yeah well, maybe you did say that once or twice, but that doesn't mean that I'm ok with being out of the loop, alright? Besides, this lovely guy here was downstairs fighting with the concierge since he wouldn't let him come up here to see you. And boy, the cutie was so desperate, it literally smelled like drama. You know I simply LOVE drama. I couldn't just walk by the scene, so I asked pretty boy what he wanted from you and he said you were old friends. I don't know what it was, but something made me believe him, so I told the concierge to back off and that he was with me. Seems like I'm allowed to visit you." Nikki added with a smirk, enjoying the fact that she was a VIP who could visit her friend whenever she wanted. She didn't know that Jude had advised the concierge to not let anybody aside from Nathan and Nikki come up to her room. "And you can say what you want, but I wasn't all that wrong believing him, now was I?" She added with a grin, when Jude was still looking upset.

"You better wipe that smug look off your face, Nikki. Because he's the last person I want to see right now. Remember what I told you that night before you persuaded me to join you and your friends for the first time? Well, he's that guy." Jude said, trying to get Nikki to realize just what she had done to her. And that she should never do something like that again. Because she had told Nikki about Tommy. Sort of. She had told her parts of their story and that he had broken her heart. That he had broken her.

Jude kept her eyes focused on Nikki while the realization was slowly coming to her friend, she didn't allow herself to glance over at Tommy, knowing that he must look confused and angry and probably hurt too. So maybe it wasn't exactly nice of her to intentionally keep him out of the conversation, but she wasn't caring much about being nice right only thing she cared about was getting through this... whatever this was. She had no idea what to tell Tommy nor what he wanted and why he had come to see her in the first place. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to know.

For a few moments Nikki looked guilty and kind of conflicted, but then she had her usual smirk on again and was now giving Jude a challenging look.

"So what if he is that guy? Maybe he wants to apologize and really means it. And in the end you'll be happy together and forever and you'll be so damn grateful for having me as your best friend." Nikki predicted.

"No way. That's not going to happen. Besides, he did already apologize. Two nights ago. And as you might have guessed, I'm not very forgiving." Jude retorted, sounding not as certain as she probably would have liked to.

"Hello, I'm still here. I can hear you two. So stop talking as if I wasn't in this damn room!" Tommy interrupted the little argument between the two friends. All the frustration he had felt up to now because of Jude ignoring him, was for everyone to hear in his voice.

Jude sighed and turned towards him for the first time since she had escaped the bathroom. Her eyes showed pain and sadness as well as anger and defeat. When she spoke though, there was only resignation and sadness in her voice. She even seemed weak for the first time since Tommy had met her as Jude Johnson. She just seemed so… fragile, so tired of it all. Like she had been pushed over the edge one time too often. Tommy briefly wondered if that really all has been his fault, but then concentrated on her words.

"Look, Tommy. I don't know why you came here, but it's no use. This might be hard for you to understand, but I'm not your Jude anymore. I changed in more than just a few ways. And I'm not hung up on you anymore. I moved on and I'm not interested in talking the past out. Which is why I don't need explanations or apologies." Jude sighed. She didn't 100% feel like that, but she was close enough to know that she really didn't NEED explanations or apologies. She looked Tommy in the eyes now, caught his gaze and held it firmly when she spoke her last words. "I know it's hard, but you need to let this go. To let ME go. I need you to let me go."

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Jude. I can't give up on you, just like I can't give up on hoping in general or on music. You're a part of my life and I need you to be in it again." Tommy told Jude, trying to hold her gaze, though her words had broken his heart. But he couldn't stop trying. Because he had been at that point only hours ago and let me tell you, it wasn't a nice state to be in.

"What do you want Tommy? Why did you come here? Because if you truly loved me, you'd let me go. I let you go when you were with Sadie because you told me she was what you wanted. I did it for you because I loved you. So why can't you return the favor?" Jude asked desperately. She hated that Tommy was suddenly starting to fight for her when she needed him not to.

All these years he had done nothing. He had been her producer and her friend and they had occasionally shared a moment, but when push had come to shove, he hadn't fought for her. He had chosen Sadie over her. And then he had left. He had given up on her numerous times and now, when she needed him to let go, he wouldn't. How was she supposed to move on when he wouldn't let her?

Hell, I shouldn't need him to LET me. I should have just moved on a long time ago. I was engaged for god's sake and I went months without giving him more than a faint thought.

"Because I'm not as amazing as you are. I'm a mess and I'll always be. But I do love you, even if it took me ages to figure it out. You are what I want, you are the only one I want. And I'm so damn sorry for ever letting you walk away." Tommy spoke passionately. He didn't know that Jude was struggling with herself inside. He didn't understand that Jude was torn inside though she didn't want to admit it. He hadn't yet processed that Jude really had changed and that if he wanted to win her back, he'd need more than just empty words.

"No, you didn't let me walk away. You walked away from me. Not the other way around." Jude interjected upset. Not wanting to believe his words, trying to blend them out. But with every word he spoke he was attacking the walls she had build around her heart and she wasn't sure how much more they could take. She had been hurt before, by Tommy but also by Ed. And she was sick of it. She was sick of always being the victim. She was sick of guys not letting her do what she wanted to. In this case she wanted to move on and that required Tommy staying the hell away from her.

"You have two choices now. Either you leave on your own right now, or I'll call security and get you removed from this hotel for good." Jude added in a cold tone, forcing herself to not think about what he had said. Or about what she had said and how she had sounded. Or about the little voice in her head telling her that she was making a mistake and that she was hurting Tommy.

What about all the times he hurt me? What about me, for god's sake! I do deserve this. I deserve the chance to move on. I build myself a whole new life and he has no right to go and ruin it.

"Woah, Jude. Don't you think you're overreacting just a tiny little bit?" Nikki asked sounding slightly shocked. Jude shot her a glare instead of answering the question. Nikki looked first at Jude than at Tommy who looked hurt and like a wounded puppy.

Damn, that guy's so damn hot. I do get that Jude fell for him. But I don't get why she's being so stubborn about this. From the way she acts she seems more like a big coward than a grown up woman, damn it. If I had to guess, I'd say she's just downright scared to hell. Not that it's not understandable. This guy has hurt her really bad and then there was this creep Ed… But in opposite to Ed, Tommy seems nice. Sincere. And 100% in love with her! And hell can get me if she doesn't feel the same way.

"You say you moved on and that you're over Tommy, right?" Nikki questioned further. Jude nodded curtly, not knowing where this was leading, but not liking Nikki's look already. She felt cornered even before Nikki made her point clear. "Then there's no reason why he shouldn't come with us to the party tonight, now is there?"

"Didn't you just hear what I said? I want him to leave me alone! Why are you doing this?" Jude shot Nikki an incredulous look. She didn't understand why her friend was this persistent and why she took Tommy's side instead of hers.

"Well, this is the first time in nearly a years that you show this much passion for your personal life. Even when that son of a bitch, also known as your Ex, showed his true colors you remained more or less calm and didn't even try to fight him. But here you are, obviously too afraid to spend more than a few minutes with this man, who used to be a big part of your life, and the reason you're afraid is that you know deep down that you still feel something for him. Even though you don't want to. Even though you're not admitting it to us or to yourself." Nikki told Jude in a partly triumphing, partly "duh!" tone.

Jude felt her cheeks turn slightly red when she realized that her friend was right. She really had overreacted. She hadn't reacted like Jude Johnson, but like Jude Harrison. The girl whose temper was infamous. She felt like Tommy's stare even intensified and knew that she couldn't win this argument. She had blown her chance to show Nikki –and Tommy- that she was completely over him because she had acted like a stubborn teenager. Now she had to deal with it.

"I'm not arguing about my feelings with anyone in here any longer. I know what I feel just fine, thank you for the analysis. If you want him to come with us so bad, fine, he can tag along for all I care. But it's an invite only party and I got only two invites. Sorry." Jude said in a smug tone. She didn't sound sorry in the least and she really wasn't. In fact she was proud of herself, knowing that this was the perfect answer she could give. So maybe she had acted a little bit weird and obvious before, but from now on she wouldn't make that mistake again. She wouldn't let herself get upset over Tom Quincy again.

She was 21 years old. She was an adult by all means. She was an famous and very successful actress and she would let anyone ruin that.

"I'm sure we'll manage it somehow." Nikki challenged Jude once again, giving her friend a piercing look. She sensed that there was more to the story and she HAD noticed the looks between the two. The passion and the chemistry. Just like usually Jude wouldn't have been that upset about any Ex of hers seeing her in a towel. In fact there had been similar situations where Jude had walked around naked while telling the guy calmly to go to hell without even bothering to put something on until he had left. Another thing she had really NEVER seen, was Jude blushing. Jude had never blushed before, except maybe on screen because it said so in the script.

During the drive in the limo neither of the three was talking. Nikki was sitting there with a smile, playing with her blonde hair. Jude was starring out the window, a sullen expression on her face. Tommy was sitting next to Nikki, always glancing over at Jude, obviously frustrated with her behavior.

He had begun tapping his fingers against the window frame, subconsciously since he was getting more restless by minute. He didn't know what to say or what to do to make Jude act normal. To make her acknowledge him. Ever since she had given in to Nikki's idea of him tagging along for the party she had totally ignored him. Well she had ignored Nikki too, but the blonde didn't really seem to mind. Probably because she didn't need to worry that Jude would stay mad with her forever.

He stopped tapping rhythms with his fingers when Nikki and Jude both sent him death glares at the same time, making him aware of what he was doing in the first place. He mouthed an "I'm sorry", but Jude didn't even catch that anymore since she had already turned her head away again. Tommy grew more frustrated with Jude's childish behavior and rolled his eyes. As if it would kill her to look at him longer than necessary.

When the limo finally stopped and one could already see the flashlights through the dark windows Tommy was nearly glad to get out of the car at last. It felt like it was not enough space in there and everything he could think of was Jude and how he was not able to touch her, to talk to her, to get lost in her blue eyes. Hopefully things would go better through the night. Tommy raised and his hand went to the door, wanting nothing more but to get out as soon as possible. Hoping he could easier pretend that Jude didn't hate him when there wasn't this icy silence between them.

"Wait!" Jude's voice filled the air, just when Nikki's hand touched his shoulder, holding him back. Tommy turned, surprised and confused. Why didn't they want him to go outside?

What he saw stunned him. Jude had gotten out a little cosmetic mirror and was currently examining her face for what seemed like one last time. Tommy threw Nikki an incredulous look, not believing that THIS was why they had to wait. He HAD seen after all how both girls had been examining their selves often enough for "the last time" in the hotel room.

Nikki too was just putting away her mirror when she noticed Tommy's shocked expression. She smirked at him when she followed his eyes to Jude. She had understood by now that Tommy used to know Jude pretty well, but that Jude had changed and that her friend was eager to show that to poor Tommy. She probably would have been more surprised by Tommy's confusion, if she hadn't remembered Jude being totally not vain in the least during the first weeks Nikki had known her. It had taken the formerly black haired actress some time to adjust to everything that came with being an actress, especially one with great potential.

"Don't worry, she'll be ready soon. You gotta understand, that we girls need a little bit more preparation than a ton of hair gel. Plus all attention will be on Jude tonight. The movie we're in is already famous alone for the fact that she and Ed will be the lead." Nikki chuckled before she got a kind of thoughtful expression when she continued. "I probably should mind the attention that she does get and I don't, but at least I don't have to be so overly worried about my appearances all the time..." Nikki mused and smiled at Tommy, seeing that he was still puzzled by all the changes he had to adjust to.

"I'm ready and I can't wait to see what the tabloids think of my brand new D&G dress. Let's go and get my sentence." Jude joked after a few more moments, putting her little mirror and other stuff bag into the tiny, very trendy bag she carried with her. Nikki rose and when Tommy didn't get up right away she climbed over the still motionless ex-boybander, leaving the limo with a broad smile, ready to face the press. Leaving Jude and Tommy alone in the car.

Jude met his eyes for the first time since they had left the hotel room and she was giving him an impatient and annoyed look. He only returned a questioning one, not moving at all, silently daring her to climb over him too. She rolled her eyes but answered his unspoken questions.

"Look, I didn't ask you to come here. I WARNED you. I'm not the Jude you knew anymore and I don't know what else I can do to make you see that." She spoke with rage and kind of defensive. She had obviously taken his questioning look as some kind of reproach or something like that. Suddenly her features softened and her eyes got sort of tender look. "I'm sorry if I'm disappointing you. But I am who I am and I'm happy now. Please don't-"

"So you weren't happy back then?" Tommy interrupted, not able to restrain any longer from asking the question that had bugged him ever since she had told him for the first time that she was happy NOW. Was that a subtle way of saying that she hadn't been back then and that it had been his fault?

"No!" Jude contradicted forcefully. She hated seeing the hurt in Tommy's eyes and she hated that what she was about to say would probably hurt him even more. She just hoped he wouldn't take it the wrong way. "I was happy back then. I was living my dream, I was had great friends and no matter how tough it was sometimes, I wouldn't trade the memories for anything in this world." She paused, looking somewhat desperate to find the right words. Tommy saw in her eyes and in her body language that it was important to her to get her point across this time. He saw that for the first time she was really talking to him without trying to push him away or hurt him. She was being honest and he feared the outcome.

"And then there was you, Tommy. I loved you with all my heart, you know? I fell for you that day at the pier and neither Shay nor Jamie nor Spied did ever even compare to you. When Darius took over G-Major it was you who pulled me through, even though you dated Sadie. And I couldn't be mad with you. If you had asked me back then, any day, I would have told you that the best thing in my life was you. You've been everything to me and when you left the way you did you took a part of me with you. That's been one of the reasons that I knew I had to leave. I couldn't be the person everyone expected me to be anymore. I just couldn't because the most important part about that person was gone." Jude took a deep breath, seemingly calming herself. The hurt and the plain pain in her voice were really getting to Tommy. He now felt like he really understood why she had left Toronto for the first time. And this understanding made him want to kick himself in his dumb ass.

Tommy felt reminded of his last days in the band. After Angie had died and Portia had finally signed the divorce, he had tried to move on, but he had had to realize that he wasn't Little Tommy Q anymore. He had changed and couldn't just keep on living his old life. Which had been the main reason that he left the band. Sure, he hadn't been happy with where their music was going, but in the end it was that Angie had been gone. That was why he had left BoyzAttack.

"When I started over as Jude Johnson I became some else. I really did. I mean I still love coffee and can't live without pop tarts" Both smiled at that little notion. A glimpse of the past and of what they had shared. Once. "and I still love music and detest boy bands," Another grin. "but I've changed none the less. I left the part of my heart that once belonged to you behind. And at first it hurt, I constantly felt like something was missing. When I then heard about you being back I was about to jump on the next plane and fly home, but I didn't." Jude stopped once again. Looking at Tommy, searching for signs that he had taken her words the right way. All she found in his eyes was sadness and a deep sense of understanding and hurt. She didn't want to hurt him, but what choice did she have? He needed to know and she needed to tell him.

"So you moved on and you're now perfectly fine without me. That's what you're trying to say, don't you?" Tommy asked, not able to keep his tone as light as he had intended. "I know this probably sounds stupid, but I need you to speak it out loud. Do you really don't care at all about me anymore? Do you not miss me and what we had ever?"

"Of course I do still care about you! You're still one of the persons I trust the most on this world. But... Argh" Just stopped frustrated. Searching for the right words. Why was it that she had once been able to express her every emotion in words and lyrics and nowadays she was hardly able to know what she felt or what she wanted to say.

"I don't know how to explain this." Jude brushed a strand of her beautiful blonde hair out of her face and Tommy couldn't get around admiring her beauty once again. No matter what the situation was, he couldn't deny that her three years as a famous actress had become her quite well. "It's like an addiction you know? I loved you so damn much back then, I was ADDICTED to you. Then, when you left and I left, it's been like rehab. I first learned to live without you. Then I learned to ignore the hurt. And then I learned to be happy without you. I will always want it again and I will always enjoy being near you and I won't be able to hate you or whatever we had, but I won't give in either. You'll always be like some kind of temptation, but not something I need to live anymore."

Jude had said the last sentence lightly, probably happy that she was finally finding words to describe her feelings, but Tommy was reminded of something else and it wasn't putting him in a good mood.

Flashback

Tommy was out in a club. It was early morning and one of his first nights he spent in New York after he had now permanently moved here. He had come to this club with Jenny, but his wife had excused herself a few hours ago. She had been too tired to stay but had insisted that he would.

After all they weren't really a couple. Jenny was more of his best friend by now and they were both enjoying their comfortable friendship and had no problems with raising Hannah together in harmony, though Jenny was doing the most of the raising part. They were both having dates and weren't secretive about it at all.

"Let's go and take this somewhere else. Your room or mine?" Emily whispered in his ears. Emily, the hot and pretty clever topmodel that was currently pressing her body against his. He had known her for years now, they had first met when he had still been in BoyzAttack and they had had quite some fun whenever their paths had crossed again.

But tonight Tommy hadn't had his head in the game and he knew that Emily must have sensed that too. Not that she would have been disturbed by it or something. He had found his way to her bed when he had been married with Portia and even after Angie died. They had never had something serious or anything like that. Only mutual attraction, that was just it and it ended with the morning light.

"I'm married, Em. Already forgotten again? You just met my wife a few hours ago." Tommy commented sarcastically and pushed Emily gently away. He wasn't up to wasting his time like that anymore, not since he had met Jude. Sure, sometimes he was still seeking comfort in some meaningless screw, but he wasn't anywhere near drunk enough for that tonight.

"So what? You were married the first time around too and you didn't care. What's so different now? She seems like a nice girl, but she never needs to know. You know how it goes..." Emily trailed off in a seductive tone and manner. She still didn't seem to get that she wasn't affecting Tommy at all.

"No, Em, no means no. I'm sorry." Tommy rejected her gently, knowing that it would inevitably hurt her pride. Her took her hands in his and removed them from his shoulders and hips, releasing them as soon as he had put them back onto Emily's lap. Something in his eyes must have gotten his point across because suddenly Emily's eyes were sparkling with anger.

"What, you got morals now? You, of all people. You're the biggest manwhore I know and believe me, I know all of your kind. You're not faithful, you're not a good man. You're a screw up!" Emily hissed angrily. Trying to somehow hurt Tommy as much as Tommy had hurt her pride. She wasn't used to men telling her off and she sure as hell wasn't used to Tommy being one of them.

"I might have been all you just said. But I'm not anymore. The key is to move on with your life, you'll find someone to settle down with someday too and I'd advise you to start searching. Because there's only one love of your life." Tommy told the very attractive woman next to him, who probably could have any guy she wanted. She was looking at him with confusion, stubbornly and yet somewhat pouting like a little child.

"Don't get me wrong. You're an attractive woman and you can have whoever you want. You'll always be a temptation and a sweet one too. But I don't need you. That's the difference, if you love somebody you need them." With that he put down some cash and downed the rest of his drink. He raised, threw Emily one last of his infamous smiles and walked away.

Flashback End

How could she not love him anymore? How could she not need him anymore the way he still needed her? And how could she dare to try to finish their relationship with the words he had used so often himself to end other relationships?

Tommy looked incredulously at Jude who was seemingly waiting for him to say something. Her eyes told him that she was vulnerable, but through his anger and hurt he didn't really register that. He only knew that Jude was once again trying to tell him that they were over. And he had still too much to process to even think about answering to her words.

Suddenly Jude sighed, pulling her guard back up. She had told Tommy the truth, she had even admitted that she would always want him, but he seemingly didn't know what to do with that. And she was so damn tired of waiting for him. If he wasn't able to deal with them, then he should just walk away and leave her alone.

This was why she hadn't wanted him back in her life. She wanted to be with someone who wouldn't run at the first sign of danger, someone who'd fight, someone who could openly talk about his feelings and problems and who wouldn't be out of his depth as soon as things got complicated.

Jude raised herself from her seat (as much as possible in the limo) and climbed silently over Tommy and out of the car, just like Nikki had done a few minutes earlier. When she stepped out of the car she was greeted by flashlights and about a million questions and screams, all reaching her ears at the same time. She was brought back to a reality where Tom Quincy wasn't someone she knew and she found it truly freeing to not have to think about him for a few moments.

She smiled broadly and slowly walked along the red carpet (yeah red carpet, as if they were at the Oscars or something) and though she always said that red carpet's were overrated, she had to admit that it really was nice walking over one of them.

She posed for the press, even blowing a few kisses at the crowd. And she would have entered the building in a special kind of utter happiness, if she hadn't heard the seething words, Tommy hissed from behind.

"You're right, you've changed. You've become such a "girl". You're just like all the other divas now, aren't you?"

Jude turned around, looking at the man who had not too long ago claimed to love her. Disbelief and hurt filled her eyes and she saw that Tommy was already regretting his words. She saw how an apology started to form on his lips and in that moment she realized again where they were. For the media Jude Johnson had had no connection to Tom Quincy – until now. Jude felt her old temper rise once again (he really seemed to bring out the worst in her) and she didn't wait for him to speak out his apology. It wouldn't make his words hurt any less if he tried to take them back.

"You've got that wrong, Little Tommy Q. I'm a woman now." She stressed the word "woman", speaking in a kind of seductive manner. She knew that it would get to him and hell she'd prove to him tonight that she was everything BUT a "GIRL".

So that was that. It's not exactly drama filled but I guess it's ok, huh? It's more of a filler. I somehow have always problems writing those, because I usually know what's next and what drama is about to come and can't wait to write that. Anyways, I hope you liked it and feel free to tell me what you thought of it! I already have the next chapter finished and if you review I'll might just update it already ;)

Kathy ;)