Author's Note: This chapter came very, VERY close to being skipped…then I had a Paninya idea…*evil cackle*
Anyway, thanks for the reviews! Last chapter got so many, I think the new summary definitely helps (even though all I really did was add the words "Crackfic parody" to it) xD
Chapter 10: Miracle at Rush Valley
"Why are we here again?" asked Ed, who was sober and thoroughly miffed about it. Al had confiscated his and Winry's alcohol after they wouldn't stop singing "This is the song that never ends" on the train.
"AUTOMAAAAIIIIIIL!"
The three of them had made it to Rush Valley, where Winry proceeded to run around and take pictures like a tourist on crack.
"She seems really excited, Niisan."
They watched as Winry tried stealing a rare Gotts Eleventh Year model arm that was still attached to someone. Three grown men were currently attempting to pull her off.
"Yeah well I say we leave now while she's distracte-"
"OMG LOOK AT THAT BLONDE KID'S AUTOMAIL!" someone shouted.
"Eh?"
Edward was immediately swallowed up by a crowd of automail-o-philes.
"Niisan!"
"YAAARGH!"
Al watched as they carried him away, a sea of people holding a small speck of a boy. Part of Al wanted very much to just slink away and live out the rest of his life as a suit-of-armor mascot for a football team, but he knew that he wouldn't be doing his job as a brother if he let the Rush Valley residents tear Ed to pieces.
"I'm coming, Niisan!"
Some time later, Winry and Al found him in the middle of the street. He appeared to have been stripped to his boxers and robbed.
"What…what happened?" asked Al.
"Oh, it was probably Paninya!" said a nearby automail mechanic. "She targets tourists."
"Who?" asked Winry.
"Paninya. She's a local around here, I'm sure you can find her. Don't worry, she's actually pretty friendly."
"And er…what did you say she does again?" asked Al.
"She's a human organ trafficker."
They all looked down at Ed in the bathtub of ice cubes, his legs sticking out awkwardly. He had a note attached to his chest that read, Plz taek too hosspitol, lol.
"I think I see a light," mumbled Ed.
"Don't worry, Niisan, we'll find Paninya and get your, um-"
"Kidney."
"Your kidney back."
They left Ed in the bathtub, the water at the bottom slowly reddening.
Al and Winry tracked her down to an automail shop deep in the mountains. They were currently traveling on a winding dirt path to the shop.
"So this guy's name is Dominic, right?" asked Al.
"Yep," said Winry. "Paninya supposedly hangs around him a lot."
Just then, Al spotted Paninya on a wooden bridge up ahead.
"Hey!" he yelled. "Give my brother's kidney back!"
"No!" she shouted back. "I need it to pay for my automail legs that were free!" She ran, and Al used alchemy for the first time this entire fic. He was pretty proud.
Despite her legs turning out to have several knives and a bazooka installed, Al heroically assaulted her with giant hand-shaped moving rocks and even had her trapped in a cage at one point.
Winry was the one who caught her.
She had her by the hand. "Can I touch you?" she asked.
"Excuse me?"
"Your legs. Let me touch your legs."
"Um…okay?"
"These legs are amazing, Mr. Dominic!" said Winry, feeling up Paninya's automail legs.
Winry and Al were at Dominic's place, where they met him, his son, and his pregnant daughter-in-law. The author doesn't remember the names of the son or the pregnant lady, so their names in this fic are hereby Thing 1 and Thing 2, respectively.
"They are, aren't they?" said Dominic proudly.
"Can I be your apprentice?"
"No."
Just then, Ed wobbled into the house. "Please. Take your time. Don't *hic* take me to the hospital. I'm not bleeding to death or anything."
"Why didn't you just stay in the bathtub?" asked Winry. "You're making a mess."
"There was a *hic* bathtub shark, I had to get out."
"Are you drunk again?" asked Al.
"Pfffft of course," said Ed. "S'not like she took my liver."
Paninya looked at him. "Uh…actually…"
"Dammit, lady! I NEED that liver!"
"Give back his organs!" said Winry. "He's my only source of income!"
She looked abashed. "M'kay," she pouted.
"What do we say, Paninya?" asked Dominic.
Paninya looked down at her toes. "I'm sorry."
Ed passed out.
"Damn drunken idiot," said Winry.
"Um…it might have been loss of blood," said Al.
"So what happened to your legs, Paninya?" asked Winry as she sewed Ed's organs back in. Outside, a raging thunder storm had started, and each of them had to speak in a slightly raised voice so the other could hear.
"My parents died in a train wreck," said Paninya, "and then I lost my legs in a poker game."
"That's terrible!" said Winry. "Did you know Mr. Dominic before then?"
"No. He met me as a legless orphan on the street. He picked me up and told me that he had always wanted to install lethal weapons on a child, and since I was an orphan, he didn't need any guardian's permission. It was like a dream come true for him."
"That's a little disturbing," said Winry as she was finishing up, "though I can't say I wouldn't do the same." She made a mental note to install tear gas in Ed's automail later.
"I owe him everything," continued Paninya. "That's why I traffic human organs."
"You should stop being a low-life thief and get a real job like everyone else."
"You are right. I am changed."
"YOU GUYS!" Thing 1 ran into the room. "It's Thing 2! She's in labor!"
"WHHHAAAAAAAAT?" screamed the two women, waking Ed up from his nap.
"It's raining too hard to get her to the hospital," said Dominic a few minutes later, pulling on his coat. "I'll go fetch the doctor myself."
"You know, maybe it was a bad idea to let a pregnant woman stay in a wooden shack in the mountains," said Thing 1.
"And maybe you should shut up, son." Dominic went on his way on horseback, Thing 2 wailing louder than the storm.
"What do we do?" sputtered Thing 1 as his wife lay writhing in bed from the pain. "The baby's coming now!"
He, Al, Ed, and Paninya proceeded to run around and scream for the next forty-five seconds.
"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" screamed Winry. "Al, get some towels."
"Okay!" Al left the room.
"Ed, get some hot water!"
"Right!"
"And please try not to burn yourself!"
"No promises!" He left the room too.
"Thing 1! Do you have any rubbing alcohol?"
"I think we have some in the back-"
"Then get it!" said Winry as she tied an apron around her waist, looking like she meant business. "Because I'm not doing this while sober!"
"Awwwww, it's so *hic* precious," cooed Ed after four stressful hours of waiting in the living room with Al.
"Niisan, why are you tickling the lamp?"
"Both mother and baby are perfectly healthy," said the doctor, whom Dominic had just brought to the house. "Excellent job, Miss Rockbell."
"You're *hic* welcome."
Dominic took the baby so he could have a better look. "What a fine grandson," he said. "So adorable and handsome!"
"No, Dad," said Thing 1. "No attaching automail parts to him."
"But-"
"I mean it."
Dominic looked put out. He put the baby back in his mother's arms and muttered something about "overprotective guardians" and "the law" and "always ruining my art."
"So can I *hic* be your apprentice now?" asked Winry.
"No," said Dominic.
She started to cry.
"Okay how about this," said Dominic, "I can find someone else to dump you on. How does that sound?"
"YAY!"
"Shouldn't you *hic* go back to Risembool?" asked Ed. "What about Grandma Pinako?"
"Oh, she kicked me out of the house ages ago," said Winry. "I got drunk and accidentally *hic* sold her microwave."
"Right," said Ed. "Well Al and I are gonna head to Dublith now. Those goats at that 24-hour petting zoo aren't gonna pet themselves, ya know!"
"Oh, Niisan," said Al, and everyone in the house laughed sitcom-style.
CHAPTER EPILOGUE
Paninya was later jailed for trying to traffic the baby.
CHAPTER EPILOGUE PART 2
"So Winry," said Ed at the station as he was about to board the train to Dublith, "how exactly are babies made?"
"Yeah, I was wondering that myself," said Al.
"Oh this is gonna be fun," said Winry.
Author's Note: For the record, the baby's name is Thing Pi.
Anyway, I'm really glad that a lot of people found the "gun ga yabai" note interesting ^_^
So, for the heck of it, here is more of Nimrochan's Japanese 101:
In that part where Ed is desperately trying to tell Winry that the baby is being born, she looks confused and a horse appears over her head. I've seen many subbed versions of this episode in which Ed tries to say "Being born" but stammers "Be…being…bo…" and Winry goes "Bingo?" In the dubbed version, Ed says "Ba…ba…" (he's trying to say "baby") and Winry replies "Bay? That's a type of horse" (though why you'd jump to "type of horse" rather than "baby" is beyond me, considering there's a pregnant woman in the house).
In case you were wondering what the hell was going on and where did that horse come in, wonder no more!
Japanese word for "to be born": Umareru
Japanese word for "horse": Uma
SO-
Ed: Uma…uma…
Winry: Uma? *horse appears*
Ed: UMARERU!
Winry: OMFG!
^3^
PS- Apologies for the "water at the bottom slowly reddening" line xD. That was a little morbid, ne?