Alexis hadn't been able to sleep the last few nights. Every time she lay down to go to sleep, a voice appeared into her head and kept asking her what she was doing with her life—what her plans were, why she was walking down a path headed for disaster. The voice was her own. She had answers for the questions, but they wouldn't be satisfying to her conscience.
She wasn't satisfied with them herself, but she tried not to think about them and usually she didn't have to. Usually she had someone there to distract her. She and Jake had been together for a few weeks. Castle and Martha absolutely couldn't be happier. Alexis, on the other hand, felt trapped.
Castle had told her, once finding out about her and Jake, that he was glad that she was finally making herself happy. That made Alexis' heart break a little more than it already was. She wasn't happy. It wasn't anything personal about Jake, she just wasn't happy with the way she was living her life. She wasn't living it for herself. She was living each day for other people, people she didn't want to disappoint.
The only person who wasn't fool by her pretend happiness was Kate. Alexis noticed the worried stares Kate would give her, when everyone else would just smile at her. She loved that Kate was worried about her, but willing to keep it to herself. She had learned by now that Kate wouldn't share secrets.
Though something about Kate knowing did make Alexis uneasy. Maybe she just didn't want Kate to think any less of her. The detective had been there during the most hectic parts of her life. Kate helped her when she was dealing with the aftermath of sleeping with Kevin,and when Alexis thought she was pregnant, her first call was to Kate. Kate never judged, only offered support and encouragement.
After the miscarriage, Kate had been there to hold Alexis' hand. She didn't offer words, because she knew there was nothing she could say to lessen the pain, she just was there to be a shoulder to cry on.
The detective had quickly became her best friend. She loved Kate and trusted her with anything. She was only afraid of letting her down, along with everyone else in her life.
"You staying late?" Javi asked, stopping at Kevin's desk as he slipped his coat on.
"Yeah. I picked up a shift for Ramirez." Kevin didn't lift his eyes from his desk.
"You been doing that a lot lately, huh?"
"I can use the money. Besides, I have nothing better to do with my time," Kevin said matter-of-factly.
"You getting any sleep?" Javi sat on the edge of Kevin's desk.
"Enough."
Javi shook his head, but all he did was sigh and stand back up. "See you later, bro."
"Yeah." Kevin waved him off.
The last couple weeks for Kevin hadn't been his greatest. So instead of drowning his sorrows he tried to get as many hours at the precinct that he could.
Jenny had ended things with him the day after Javi and Lanie's wedding. She'd found out what happened. Alexis' bright red lipstick had been smeared on the collar of his white shirt. There was no way to try to make a cover story, not a believable one anyway.
He hadn't really been affected by it. It didn't matter to him because he wasn't happy with her. She used to be a huge part of his life, but one night had changed that. They both had changed and they didn't make sense as a couple anymore.
Nothing really made sense to him anymore. His life had become one mistake after another and even though he knew they were mistakes, he still decided to make them. He had made more mistakes in the last few months than he could count, but while he was making them, they felt right. They felt good.
"Yeah, she's been smiling—a sight I thought I wouldn't see again." Kevin noticed Castle's voice. He didn't raise his head from the file in front of him. "We are having sort of a double date with them, won't that be fun?" Castle asked Beckett, as she cleared the murder board.
"I hardly even know Jake. It might be nice to get to know him better."
Kevin's stomach involuntarily twisted at Jake's name. He had only met the guy once, but already made up his mind that the guy was a lowlife. Why was Alexis with that guy? Why he did he care?
"He's a really great guy. Mother talks about how sweet and respectful he is," Castle told Beckett, causing Kevin to almost laugh. He'd seen the way Jake looked at Alexis. He didn't look at her the way she deserved to be looked at. That night at her place when Jake showed up, he looked at Alexis' ass. Did that make him respectful?
Kevin shook his head at himself. Why was he acting all high and mighty? He had used Alexis for sex on more than one occasion. He was worse than Jake could be.
"Hey Ryan, you staying?" Beckett asked.
"Yeah." He nodded, not meeting her eyes.
"Do you need anything? Coffee?"
"I'm good. Thanks."
"Okay. I'll see you later."
He gave her a nod and small smile.
He now had a bad taste in his mouth. Alexis was with Jake, the who smacked her ass at Javi and Lanie's wedding and ordered her to get his drink. Kevin didn't like that image. He didn't like the way it made him feel like he was going to throw up.
"You don't want to go out? Why not?" Jake asked Alexis, while she cleaned dishes.
"I don't feel up for it."
"You are never up for it."
She sighed. "I know, but I don't know how to change that."
"It's easy. You just come out and forget about whatever is bothering you. Loosen up."
Alexis shook her head. She had no motivation to go anywhere do anything with him.
"What is it? Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?"
"What? Of course not."
"Then what is it?"
She couldn't tell him. It wouldn't end well, he'd leave tell Martha, who would tell Castle and then everything would get all screwed up. She down the plate she had been washing and faced him. He looked worried. She needed to change the subject.
"I don't want to go out, because I'd rather stay in and be with you." She wiped her hands with a dishcloth before wrapping her arm around his neck. "Do you want to go out or go into my bedroom?"
A smile quickly appeared over Jake's face. "Bedroom it is."
Relief flew through Alexis. He hadn't pushed the topic. He wrapped his arms around her waist bending down and kissing her.
If Alexis were honest with herself, the only thing she liked about being with Jake was the sex. They didn't really have anything in common. Jake liked to go out and drink with friends, which would be fine, if it wasn't almost every night. She had gone out with him and his friends drinking a few times and it almost always ended with her being pissed. He acted like an asshole.
Jake liked different music and movies than her. He wasn't exactly easy to compromise with unless it was sex. She'd pulled that card whenever he tried to get her to watch a movie filled with blood and gore.
She knew using him for sex wasn't good. She'd been in this very situation before, the only difference was that although being with Kevin was wrong, she always wanted it. With Jake, it was just a way to distract him or pass the time.
The day hadn't gone the way Kevin had expected. Chasing down leads that lead to nowhere. They hadn't been able to catch a break in the last two days. It was the worst feeling to know that the evidence was out there and they just weren't equipped enough to find it.
Javi was taking it better than Kevin. He was still able to make a joke, which was something Kevin used to do to keep their spirits up, but now Kevin didn't find anything funny. Even Castle's theories were beginning to get under his skin.
Once Kevin and Javi got back to the precinct and got out of the car, Kevin sighed.
"You okay, bro?" Javi asked as Kevin leaned against the cruiser, running his hands through his hair.
"Not really."
"What is it?" Javi asked, lean on the car, resting his hands on the roof. "Tired?"
Kevin nodded. "It's not just that though."
"What else?"
"I don't know what to do anymore, Javi."
"What do you mean?"
"I come to work, do my job, go home, eat, shower, sleep and start all over the next day. I used to do it for Jenny and for when we had kids, but now, I don't know why I am doing this. I am working the job and going home alone."
Javi sighed.
"Yes, I know what you are going to say: I have nobody to blame, but myself. I made poor decisions and now I have to live with the consequences. I get that, I do. I don't blame anyone else for the way I feel besides myself. I take full responsibility for what I did, it's just that even though I know I screwed up and that I shouldn't have done certain things, it doesn't change the fact that I did." Kevin ran his through his hair again. "I'm sorry Javi, but I am just tired of working for nothing. I'm tired of not being happy."
Javi's eyes raked over Kevin for a few seconds. Kevin knew he probably looked worse than death, by the look on Javi's face.
"What's stopping you from being happy?"
He could put all the blame on someone else, but Javi would see right through that. Kevin knew the blame for any of his unhappiness fell into his own hands.
"I guess I am." Kevin said, staring down at his hands.
Javi tapped the top of the car to Kevin's attention. "Let's try this, what do you feel would make you happy?"
Kevin bit his tongue. "I don't know."
Javi let out a breath. "Come on, we both know that isn't true. You know what you want and that's why you are frustrated."
"What do you think I want?"
Javi stood still a few moments, before walking over to the other side of the car, until he was standing next to Kevin. "I don't know, but I'm thinking that you don't think you deserve whatever you want."
"What if I don't?"
"Then change it, because you are the only one who can." Javi pushed himself off the car. "You have been so unlike yourself that I'm not sure I even know who you are. Do whatever you need to do to find the old you, take some time off work, talk to someone who can help, just do anything, because this new you is miserable and I don't like seeing it."
Kevin let Javi's words wash over him. He knew Javi was right, he wasn't the same guy anymore, it bothered him just as much, if not more than it did Javi. He just wasn't sure Javi's advice could help. He couldn't take time off work. Then he would be alone and with nothing to do. He didn't want that. Being alone with his thoughts wasn't something he wanted.
Late at night, when he tried to get some rest all he could ever think about was Alexis. He thought about her smile, a smile he hadn't seen since before the miscarriage. A smile he was sure he'd never see again. He was stupid to feel this way about her. To want her after everything that had happened between them. He knew that, but it didn't stop him from thinking about her. It didn't stop him from missing her.
He sighed when he noticed he was standing by the cruiser alone, he was always alone. Maybe he should take a little break. Maybe he could go somewhere far away from all his past mistakes, maybe then he would be able to stop thinking about Alexis.
What was wrong with him? How could he have possibly asked her a question like that? They had only been sort of dating for a month. Who asks someone they have only been dating for that short of a time to move in with them?
What made him think she would even agree to such an absurd idea? She didn't even love him. Maybe if she loved him, moving fast would be worth the risk, but she didn't, she wasn't even sure she liked him. When she had first met him, he seemed like a nice enough guy. He was always helpful, energetic, and treated everyone with respect. That's why being with him seemed like a good idea.
She was wrong. He was all of those things, at first. Recently, that guy who she first met didn't seem to be the same guy anymore. Now he was just becoming too clingy, which drove Alexis insane. The only time she wanted him that close was when they were having sex.
No matter what they were doing, whether watching a movie, eating at a restaurant, or even at Castle's, Jake always had his hands on her. Castle always said how cute they looked together. Alexis couldn't see it or didn't want to. She didn't care though. She didn't like Jake's hands being on her. It was like he was telling everyone that she was his and that was something she hated. She wasn't his; she didn't want to be his. His voice caught her attention.
"Well, are you going to give me an answer?"
"Why would you ask me that?"
"Because I really like you and I mean, we are around each other all the time." Alexis rolled her eyes. Did he not see that as a bad thing, because she certainly knew it was.
"You like me? That's why would you think this would be a good idea?"
"I don't get you." He sighed. "It's like you don't want me around."
"I don't want to live with you. I have only really gotten to know you over the last month. Don't you think that's too fast?"
"No, I don't."
"Well, I do. I don't want to move in with you."
He backed away from her and laughed. "So I am out of line for asking you to move in with me, but it was perfectly fine for you to fuck some guy at that wedding you took me to?"
Alexis was floored for a moment. "What?"
"Oh come on, I saw you leave with that guy. You came back in and were in such a rush to leave."
"What's it you?"
"Well, you say I want to move too fast. I guess fucking some guy in a church is the usual for you?"
"Fuck you." Alexis didn't realize what was happening, until her hand hit the side of his face. Her palm stung, but she couldn't lie to herself, it felt good, really good, but only for a couple of seconds, because then all she could feel was something hard hitting her face. She fell to the floor, not understanding what happened, all she knew was that her face felt like it was on fire.
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