So, here we go back to Walt. This New Year morning isn't going so well for him, either and despite his best efforts, he's doing something he just can't seem not to do...thinkin. MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT HNYVIC TO SEE WHAT'S GOING THROUGH HER HEAD!

I owe a HUGE thank you to the wonderful, talented and most gracious KIMBALL MEYER for giving me his enthusiastic permission to use a few of his songs in my stories. This man is a poet who puts his incredible words to some of the best music it's ever been my pleasure to listen to.

He sings with a voice as clear and strong as a prairie wind, with such depth and emotion that it sweeps right through you just like that same wind. I included all the lyrics to his song 'Thinkin' and only the first stanza from his song 'Stay'. It took me years to be able to listen to that one in its entirety.

I've you've ever loved someone deeply and then lost them, I dare you to listen to that song without breaking down. I know I couldn't...but time does heal...and now, I can listen to it and appreciate it for the beautiful song it truly is.

So, I urge all of you to check out Kimball Meyer on iTunes and give a listen to his album, 'A View From The Moon'. That's where you'll find these two songs but where they come from? Well, they come from the heart of a man who isn't afraid to let it all out and Kim? I thank you so very much for filling my life with songs that have spoken to me and touched me profoundly through this journey I call my life:) xox...and by the way, just gotta say Canadian musicians ROCK. Hope and Ruin is by The Trews and ya, they're Canadian, too:)

Enough flag-waving for the day. On with the story...:)

Chapter 10

Hope and Ruin…

It was the name of some song Cady liked to listen to, but it also perfectly described the way this morning had gone.

Hope and ruin…

Didn't have much left of the one but more than enough of the other. I'd worked up the courage, taken the chance…and Vic had taken a hike. Didn't see that one coming at all. I really thought she'd calm down, come clean if I made my stand…

…but maybe I should've known better. I'd screwed up again where she was concerned. I didn't know why it was so hard for her to just admit her feelings; I only knew it was. After all, we weren't so different in our ways, but maybe we were miles apart in our wants.

I'd been dumb enough to imagine her throwing herself in my arms, gushing to me about all the ways she loved me after the initial resistence. Should've known there was something wrong with that scenario. Should've pictured Vic saying something more along the lines of 'of course I love you, you fuckin' dummy', and then maybe it might've turned out that way. Vic, gushing?

"You are a dumb fuck," I told myself as I saddled up Horse. He looked at me, seeming to be in total agreement with my statement. Despite his opinion of me, I decided the mess in the kitchen could wait. Who the hell was going to see it anyway? Horse needed to get out and so did I. It was cold, it was stormy…just like I felt. Might as well go lose myself in it.

If Vic called, she'd leave a message…or not. I'd almost thought about waiting to see if she would. Almost went to call her myself, but no. I really was done screwing around. I gave her a choice and she made hers. I truly hadn't expected it and now, it was time to see if I could live with mine.

I headed out, across the plains, in to the woods, to figure out if there were any alternatives to be pondered regarding the situation with Vic. All I knew for sure was that I'd made on hell of a mess, not only in my kitchen, but in the way things stood between her and me. Yeah, making a mess of things seemed to come just a little too easy for me. I didn't like it, but that's what happened when I got angry and so I tried very hard not to. That damn fire inside me! I'd been right to think twice about letting it out, but then again, I'd been half-cut. Okay, three-quarters cut and Vic? Oh, Vic had been so willing, so eager and more than capable of taking that fire and giving it right back to me!

Goddamn that woman!

She'd been everything I'd ever dreamt of, everything I'd never dreamt of and then some. Her champagne strip-tease would stay with me for the rest of my life and I really couldn't believe how truly unashamed I actually was by my powerlessness to give in to what she'd done to me. I was of half a mind that making me cum like that had honestly turned her on – and what a thrill that had been and unfortunately, still was! Getting a hard-on while straddling a horse wasn't exactly comfortable, but Jesus, there it was and how the hell was I supposed to think about Vic without getting one, no matter where or when?

I'd drowned myself in the pleasure of her body. I'd dived right in and explored every exquisite inch of her. I'd tasted, taunted and teased every part of her and oh, she'd responding in kind and what kind of 'kind' had that been?

Delicious. Delightful. Defenseless and so undeniable…

How the hell was I supposed to stay strong and not give in to her the moment I saw her again? – and I would. The work-day morning was just over the horizon and there we'd be, both of us no doubt warily circling each other. Both of us knowing what the other was capable of, made of. How she felt in my arms. How I felt inside of her, how she felt around me. Tight and hot. Wet and eager…

How the hell was I supposed to look at her and casually say 'morning, Vic' like it was just another day? Fantasizing about her was one thing, but knowing her the way I did now was going to be the death of me. Wanting her – God, I was lost before I'd even walked in that office door!

"Get a grip, Walt," I told myself.

Yeah, should've pondered all this just a little more, but honestly, I hadn't expected it to go this way. Had dreaded that it might, but never really thought it would. The ramifications of a blissful ending would have been hard enough to deal with. I knew that as happy as the town folk had appeared to be last night, once everyone sobered up, there'd be questions, raised eyebrows, whispers behind my back and talk of me being old enough to be Vic's father. Together, we could have weathered that. Apart, like this? I couldn't help but feel we were doomed…

I didn't want it to be over. I didn't want to have to go back to dancing around each other. This time, it would be even worse than it had been. We'd partaken of each other. We'd crossed that invisible line, penetrated that invisible barrier and how did we go back from that?

We didn't. We couldn't.

If loving her cost me my job, then so what? Love her, I did. The good folks of Durant could kiss my ass as far as I was concerned. What worried me was Vic. Her refusal to love me back. My own worry that maybe I'd grossly misread the signs and she really didn't love me at all, at least, not the way I wanted her to.

If what Vic had told me was the truth, her truth, then how was I supposed to stop loving her? I could go back to hiding it, the way I had been all this time, but how did I ever get past wanting her? There was no way I could hide that, even now. Could we honestly just become – what would she call it? – 'fuck buddies' - to each other and not be bothered by the ramifications of that? Sneaking around, making sure no one found out about us; it had its charms, but it also smacked too much of what she'd had with Gorski and there was no way in hell I was going to become to her what he'd been!

"Oh, shit!"

Did I honestly love her or did I only want a legitimate, possibly understandable reason to be with her? One I could defend to everyone around me, one I could quit my job over and still hang on to some dignity? A reason that would make being with her something to hang on to while I hung around the cabin, unemployed and possibly outcast for going where everyone thought I shouldn't be going in the first place?

Did I give an honest damn what the town thought of me?

Too many questions and decidedly few ready answers.

Me and my unquiet mind. Me and my big mouth. Me and my damn prick that just couldn't seem to stop thinking about Vic and how she'd looked, naked before me, beneath me, on top of me… How she'd felt, around me, over me, under me, next to me. How I slid right in to her, again and again and never seemed to be able to get enough of her!

Was it really all about the sex? Had I been alone so long that I couldn't tell the difference between that and love? Did I only want it to be love to somehow make it alright, the way Vic had said I did?

"Oh, shit…."

It was way too early to be thinking about all this and I was way too hungover to even try…and still, I persisted in doing so! Horse's easy gait and my own tiredness didn't help any. Both of them lulled me, set my mind to roaming, gave me plenty of time to go over and over again what had happened this morning. Time to fix that. I couldn't readily fix what had happened between Vic and I, but it was more than easy enough to convince Horse to break in to a gallop and that's just what I did, both of us racing headlong in to the storm. I was pretty confident there was a metaphor there, but done with thinking past this moment, at least, for now…

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Spending time in the mountains brought me some peace. Fixing the pump in the barn kept my mind on the mission at hand and off other things, those things being Vic and where we went from here. Entering the cabin after the outside chores were done and Horse was brushed and pampered threatened to bring back all my swirling thoughts.

I surveyed the mess. Thought about leaving again, maybe going to see Henry, but he'd ask question. Wonder why I was visiting him when I should have been snuggled in with Vic on this snowy day. I didn't need any of that right now. I had no answers for him, none that he wouldn't shoot down, anyway.

Talking to Henry was more than I could take right now, so I turned my mind to cleaning up the mess I'd made or, to be more precise, cleaning up the kitchen. It was going to take a lot more than soap and water to clean up the other mess.

Couldn't think about that. Couldn't quite give up on the thought that I was right and Vic was wrong. Wasn't ready to believe this was all about sex and nothing more and besides, there was hardly anything the least bit stimulating about cleaning up congealed eggs from a wooden floor.

As long as I kept my eyes away from that damaged counter, kept my thoughts away from what had caused the damage in the first place, I'd be okay. I'd have to fix it at some point, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it just yet.

Maybe what I needed was some music. The radio would be useless today, I knew that. That left me with no choice but to try out the new cd player Cady had bought me for Christmas. Besides, the fire needed stoking and both things resided in the living room.

She'd laughingly insisted that I had to get at least a toe in to the twenty-first century. There'd been talk of 'ipods' and other mysterious things, but taking pity on me, she'd gotten me a cd player. New to me, but outdated as far as someone her age was concerned.

She'd disdainfully pointed out that I didn't own a computer so an 'i-pod' would be no use to me anyway. I believe Vic wore one of those things in some kind of holder that went around her arm when she was out running, but that's about as far as my acquaintance with such a thing went – and that was as far as I was going to think about Vic at the moment.

The cd player was new-fangled enough for me! Easy enough to push 'play' on the thing and let it do its job. Lucky for me, Cady had put a cd in it, urging me to listen to it, but I just hadn't found the time to get around to doing that.

This morning, well…there was nothing but time. I turned the volume up, hoping the music would drown out my thoughts, and got down to the business of cleaning breakfast off the floor and the walls.

Some guy started singing about the 'universe inside'. He had a good voice, clear and strong, and the music was upbeat for the most part, so I just went with it. It became background noise while I went about restoring some kind of order to my kitchen. I was never going to win an honourable mention in Better Homes and Gardens, but at least I'd be able to walk around without sticking to the floor or slipping. One small fit of anger and here I was, doing damage control.

Good thing I wasn't prone to going off at the drop of a hat. It took a lot of frustration to set me off and whether or not I'd ever be completely able to get over that remained to be seen, but the likelihood of it happening any time soon seemed doubtful. Patterns, always repeated. The fabric of our individual lives?

Everything was about as back to normal as it was ever going to get, except for the counter, which I was doing my best not to think about and I was just setting the table upright, praying I hadn't busted a leg when I'd sent it flying.

That's when the words of a song got through to me. Maybe because I'd been relieved to find the table in one solid piece, the music had become more than just background noise to me. Maybe because I'd deliberately held my thoughts in check while I worked, I was ready to hear now that the work was done. Whatever the reason, I heard and what I heard made me think this guy doing the singing knew just what he was talking about. Maybe it was simply because the title of the song seemed to be Thinkin' and that was something I knew an awful lot about.

The song was still playing, but I wanted to hear it from the beginning. I eventually found the 'repeat' button and so it started all over again…

Good intro, nice rhythm, something you could tap your foot too. Not quite a slow dance, but a quiet dance with someone you just couldn't help but take in your arms. Made me think…about Vic.

"Thinkin bout you, I'm thinkin bout you

Thinkin there's nothing more that I can think to do.

I've been thinkin bout completion, thinkin maybe it's the season

And I'm wonderin are you thinkin of that too?

.

Thinkin about me, I'm thinkin bout me.

Thinkin bout yesterday when I thought I was free

Thinkin bout the roads we walked together in the sun and stormy weather

Thinkin it's all here forever, let it be

.

Thinkin bout the sunrise, thinkin bout the story in your eyes

Thinkin bout night skies and nothing ever dies

Thinkin bout movin, thinkin bout things that stay so still

Thinkin bout loving you - don't you know I always will?

.

I'm thinkin bout change, I'm thinkin bout change

Thinkin bout anything that I can think to name

Thinkin bout all that I've forgotten. I'm still Adam in the garden

Walking naked in this morning's holy rain

.

Thinkin bout the sunrise, thinkin bout the story in your eyes,

Thinkin bout night skies and nothing ever dies

Thinkin bout strangers, thinkin bout those forever dear

Thinkin bout all those scary dreams. I know there's nothing left to fear.

.

I'm thinkin bout time, just thinkin bout time

Thinkin bout distances and reasoning and rhyme

Thinkin bout all of this commotion, just sand castles by the ocean,

Ever melting in emotions so sublime.

.

Thinkin bout all of this commotion, just sand castles by the ocean

Ever melting in emotions so sublime…"

It all faded away and became another song. This one, mostly piano. Definitely a slow dance number.

"Stay…

For the night is young and aren't we both of us

Lost and longing for

That convincing touch to make us think of

Something more

That only the solitude of the dawn

With hours ahead of us, waiting for no one…"

Oh, I couldn't take that! If that first song made me think about Vic, this next one screamed out her name and I just couldn't take it! I stabbed at the 'stop' button. I stood there, my heart pounding. I stood there, thinkin'…

…about Vic. About me. About completion and thinking we could have that. Thinking about the things I'd said to her this very morning and if maybe, just maybe I'd gone too far. Thinking about the story in her eyes, seeing only what I'd wanted to see and not necessarily what she was trying to tell me. Thinking that maybe all this commotion could become nothing but sand castles by the ocean, but which one of us was going to cause the wave that would sweep it all away? What I wouldn't give to turn all this in to 'emotions, so sublime'!

I snatched up the cordless phone and dialed Vic's number. Didn't know exactly what I was going to say, but I had to try saying something.

It rang and rang. Went to voice mail. I heard the beep. I opened my mouth. Nothing came out. Not one word. She had call display. She knew it was me. She wasn't picking up and I decided to respect that. She didn't want to talk to me and in matters of the heart, I was way too awkward to leave a stumbling, fumbling message for her. What would I say anyway? Call me? If she wanted to talk to me, she'd answer her phone. Leaving her a message wasn't going to change that.

Besides, I honestly didn't know quite what I would say to her anyway." I'm sorry?" For what? Loving her?

"Thinkin bout all that I've forgotten

I'm still Adam in the garden

Walking naked in this morning's holy rain…"

Maybe that's exactly what I was when it came to love. What did I honestly know about it? Sure, I loved my daughter and somewhere deep inside, I even loved Henry, but what the hell did I honestly know about loving a woman? What did I know about loving Vic?

Obviously, not very much or else she'd be here with me.

"Thinkin bout all that I've forgotten…"

…or just plain choosing not to think about those things at all.

I knew why I'd demanded the truth from Vic. Sure, it had a lot to do with her, but more to do with the way things had been between Martha and I. The truth between us had never come easy and when it finally did, we'd both found ourselves somewhere we didn't want to be and I never wanted to go back to that! Never again wanted to be somewhere I was never meant to be, so I needed the truth to point me in the right direction.

Vic was keeping something from me and as 'right' as I thought I was, I knew I was keeping things from her, too. Secrets and sins…

I wanted to share mine with her, but I hadn't, not even to save this day and it was more than clear that she wasn't ready to share hers with me, either, so there it was, the true stalemate in our dubious relationship. There really was no moving forward until both of us moved back. I really didn't want to and I was damn sure that Vic didn't want to, either, so just where did that leave us?

I glanced back behind me, to the kitchen. All tidied up, except for that broken counter…Its condition spoke of so many things and despite knowing better, I thought about calling her again, leaving her a message, asking her one more time to just stay…

"For the night is young and aren't we, both of us

Lost and looking for

That convincing touch to make us

Think of something more…"

Maybe Vic was right. Maybe this really was all about sex. Maybe it was only about the closeness that act provided, the need to touch and be touched. Moments that reassured you you weren't alone in the world. Wrapped up in each other, safe and warm and so very alive…

I could entertain that thought, but I wasn't completely buying it. Sex with Lizzie hadn't made me long for 'more'. It had been alright, a way to satisfy an urge, but when it was over, it was over and the only emotion I'd felt leaving her was guilt.

Vic's leaving left me empty. Left me feeling lost and alone. Alone as I'd felt, standing on that highway, watching my parents dissolve in to ashes…

Thinkin.

Drinkin.

I couldn't seem to stop the one and couldn't deny the need for the other. I could go see Henry. I could do both those things with him, but I knew even if he didn't ask, he'd be silently analyzing me…

Thinkin.

…and then it hit me.

There was somewhere I could go. Someone I could see. Someone I could share a drink with and get a good old dose of the truth, about myself and who I really was. Someone who knew me almost as well as Henry did, but in a totally different way. Someone who could take me back and truly understand why I did things the way I did. Someone who might just be able to show me the difference between being lonely or being in love.

I grabbed my hat and my coat. Snatched up the car keys and headed out the door. Destination? Uptown…