DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything related to Fox or the TV show House. I'm only borrowing some characters. The characters belong to David Shore and company.
A/N: Thanks for the revs last chap!
Whew… what's up next for Absence… I have no idea. Lol, just kidding… But the suspense is just as fun and exciting as it is annoying, right?
Follow me on Twitter: Iane_Casey *I post A, BW, and IPC sneak peeks there… :D *
Hope you like this chap as well!
ABSENCE CHAPTER 9: IN SUBSTITUTE?
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November 11, 4 am
She woke up with a nasty headache. She cried herself to sleep last night and noticing from her clock that it was already 4 am, she only had more or less four or five hours of sleep.
Why couldn't he just listen to her? Why won't he give her a chance to speak? Tell him she's already forgiven him, that she wanted him with her, and that she loved him despite what he did. He was hell bent on keeping to himself his own assumptions as well as conclusions.
She sat up in bed and leant back on the pillow settled on her headboard and tucked her chin on her legs.
How could her life just turn into this tiring drama with House that could rival a soap opera? She sighed. Their relationship was absolutely dysfunctional. What was even more dysfunctional was that they didn't even have a relationship! All they had was a connection which was broken by him leaving her.
Cuddy searched her bed for her phone and when she finally got a hold of it she stared at it for a while. He had used a different number last night. One that didn't register. She browsed through her contacts. But she could have just entered his old number for she still remembered it by heart.
If she called, would it ring? If it did would he answer? If she called and it didn't ring, what then?
If she texted would he reply? If she continued on doing so and told him everything she wanted to say would he come back to her? She shook her head; texting won't do her good. For if he only opened his old phone in times he wanted to do so, her texts won't be received at all and her pursuit of him would be in vain.
Was he even using this number still? Maybe when he feels like it. Which was, based on Wilson's announcement of having been able to contact him once after hundreds of times he tried, once in a blue moon.
Ifs and what ifs won't help her either. She had two choices: try and move on, no matter how difficult that was OR she could, with Wilson's help, try harder to find him. The second option was hard too but even so, she wanted to go with the fifty-fifty chance of finding him and not. Either way, she figured that she'd get hurt all the same.
She closed her eyes briefly as she pressed the call button on her Blackberry and waited… and waited… for nothing. She couldn't get through for his phone was switched off. She guessed leaving a voice message wouldn't help her cause now. The best option was to talk to him directly, which was hard enough to do without any contact with him. E-mail address? He could have changed it by now. And her spoken words would prove to be more powerful than her pen, she figured.
She let a tear roll down her cheek. She was tired of crying, tired of all the drama. But she wanted him. And with him came the drama and difficulties, well as of now. If she did ever get her chance with him again, hopefully, once they've cleared the air, most of the things would just be as normal as things could be between them.
She unconsciously wrapped her hands around her midsection and once again settled her head on her knees.
As her fingertips caressed her flat, toned abdomen, a thought entered her mind.
But was she so desperate to have a part of him to consider trying it again?
Consider trying it again and failing… again?
PPTH, 8 am
"Are you okay?" Wilson asked Cuddy who had dark circles under her eyes which weren't much hidden under a slightly noticeable thick layer of concealer. He just passed by to see how she was doing and by the looks of it, she was deep in thought.
Cuddy's head shot up as she looked at Wilson then she lowered her eyes at the paper she was unsuccessfully going over.
"He called me… last night," Cuddy quietly told him. She felt numb already having cried herself to sleep. House wasn't being fair to her. He didn't even consider hearing her out.
Wilson stood there agape not knowing what to think of the situation. If House had called her like she claimed he has, then why was it so obvious that she cried herself to sleep? He inwardly sighed. House told her what he told him. And it hurt her deeply.
"What are you planning on doing?" Wilson asked her instead of asking her if she was okay which she clearly wasn't
Cuddy hopelessly shrugged and focused her eyes on him. "Move on?" she more asked than stated.
"How do you feel about that?" Wilson asked.
"I don't know…"
"You told me you loved him…" Wilson said trailing off after a while of not knowing what to add. Maybe she was only confused at the moment thus causing her to make decisions she would most likely won't even push through.
Cuddy's eyes went clouded with hurt as she wordlessly beseeched Wilson to not remind him of the bittersweet familiarity of loving a man who also loved her but thought himself unworthy of her heart.
"You need me to help you find him?" Wilson asked her.
Cuddy dryly chuckled, "You once told me he obviously didn't want to be found."
"But you want to, right?" Wilson asked with a hopeful look. An idea just entered his mind a few minutes ago and if it were to get House and Cuddy together again, he was more than open to consider the thought.
Cuddy thought about it but nodded. Who was she kidding? Like she could move on overnight.
"Host a Diagnostic seminar."
Cuddy furrowed her brows, "He hates seminars let alone attend one. And in this situation, like he'd attend one hosted by us."
"Well, he wouldn't have a choice if his new boss demands him to come!" Wilson suddenly smiled.
"How would you know if he's working at some hospital under new authority?" Cuddy negated. "And how do you expect me to be able to get any news of where he's working? The only thing we're sure about is that if he was even practicing, he's not in this country."
"Why are you negating everything?" Wilson smirked, "You're the optimistic person, remember? He's the pessimist, not the other way around."
Sighing Cuddy shook her head, "I don't want to set myself up just to get hurt. Also, I don't want to use my status in this hospital to achieve something beyond professional and business causes." She stated with dignity.
Wilson rolled his eyes and sarcastically told her, "Fine. Just sulk. He won't come anyway. Unless of course something involving you and life-and-death were to happen." He unconsciously spoke out loud. Upon realizing what he just said he looked at Cuddy in bewilderment and became panicky when he saw her face deep in thought.
"Cuddy, don't even think about—"
"What do you think about me trying IVF again?" she looked up at Wilson with hopeful sapphire orbs. She wasn't sure how he'd take it. But she hoped that he'd be open to it since he was the only one she trusted with the information if she was to try again since House still had his specimens in her hospital under that name he used as her donor.
Wilson stared at her, unsure of what to say. Then he was able to follow her trail of thought with the look he just gave her. His expression then turned grave.
"Cuddy, don't do this to yourself…" he quietly told her sitting on the chair in front of her desk.
"I want a child, Wilson. Even more if it was his. I'm not doing this just so he could go back here because he's feeling obligated," Cuddy said with a heartrending smile.
"I don't know what to say," Wilson shook his head as he quietly answered. How did things get so messed up? He didn't know.
There were a lot of questions that either had no answer, or are best left unanswered.
Remembering her previous words Wilson raised his brows in slight confusion, "Aren't you just setting yourself up to get hurt again if you went though with this?" he inquired concernedly.
"I'm going to get hurt either way," Cuddy said the paused before taking a deep breath, "and I'm sure this would make me happy."
"Are you sure you want to do it?" he asked her firmly.
Cuddy stayed silent for a while, debating this somewhat rash decision. She really did want his child just as much as she wanted him. But if she couldn't have him. She could at least have something that was theirs.
"Yes, Wilson. I want to do it," Cuddy firmly said with a nod.
"Think about it overnight… even for a week, or a month," Wilson advised as he stood up and gave her a stern look.
Cuddy nodded. He was right. Although she was pretty sure her answer won't change.
"I don't want you doing this in substitute of having House. Because if Fate is on your side, you'll get together eventually," Wilson added before walking in the direction of the door.
Cuddy shook her head glumly, "Fate turned its back on us a long time ago."
"Fate works in mysterious ways, Cuddy." Wilson reminded her before exiting her office.
November 12, 3 pm
"Dr. House, my office! I need to talk to you about something." Blair excitedly called out to House who was in the clinic as a punishment for some stint House did with a patient.
House followed his boss out of the clinic and into her office and sat down on the couch a few feet away from her desk.
"Are we going to make out now?" House asked cockily as he drummed his fingers on his knee, waiting for Blair to speak.
Blair clicked her tongue and feigned disappointment, "Too bad we have a lot of things to go through before we get to that."
Blair waved a hand in front of her directing to the door, "Feel free to get yourself a hooker though," she threw back with a teasing smile. She was in far too good a mood to let his mouth get her down or riled up. House was about to stand to exit her office when Blair told him to sit down since they haven't actually started yet.
"Just get down to business," House said with a smirk, "and stop flirting with me!" he added.
Blair rolled her eyes at him but then collected herself and put her hands neatly folded on top of her desk. "I've finally organized that International Seminar we were talking about before. Well, organized half of it." She excitedly told him.
House's face fell, "When?" he asked clearly not anticipating the date.
"Two months from now," Blair answered, "I'll let you know your theme and your topic once I get everything in order."
House stood up, "Was that all?" he asked her.
Blair shook her head then her face took on a look of concern. "How have you been doing? You seem a little… off, lately."
"I'm fine," House answered quickly. He was about to make his way toward her office doors but her next question left him unsure of how to answer.
"Would you mind if I invite Princeton Plainsboro?" she asked as a friend, not as a boss, her tone letting it be known to him. She really didn't know the extent of what his history with the Dean there but she still cared about her employee and "friend's" emotional well-being.
House would have said he did mind but the righteous side of him didn't want to deprive the place he once devoted himself to of the opportunities from an international seminar just because he had some issue with the dean in said hospital.
"Invite them, I don't mind," he muttered.
Blair eyed him doubtfully but then pursed her lips, "If you're sure…"
"I'm sure," House barely whispered.
"House, I mean it honestly when I say it's okay if you don't want me to—"
"Dr. Blair, it's fine. Feel free to call them as you please," House cut her off pointedly but still maintaining a hint of politeness for Lexi's concern for him.
Blair didn't believe him with that answer but she nodded. And with that, House left her office.
Blair thought about it. Princeton Plainsboro was a great hospital from the United States and she couldn't just ignore that. But she respected House.
But he just said that it was okay with him, right? Even if she didn't believe that it was actually alright with him.
Well, she could refrain from speaking of House though. She'd give him that. She'd give him one month and a half until she let it be known that House was working for her and that he was going to be speaking in the seminar. That was the least she could do for him since she gave him the option of not including PPTH in the seminar and he chose to tell her that he was okay with it.
She sighed at the mystery that connected Dr. Gregory House and the dean of PPTH.
Some things unravel with time, she thought as she diverted her attention to the stacks of paperwork she had to go over for the seminar and the hospital.
A call to the Dean of Medicine at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, as well as the other hospitals weren't that far off. She'd be calling deans by next week. That was if she could finish all the plans, topics, and the like and coordinate with the rest of her board and the staff.
It's going to be two hellish months but the payoff would be absolutely worth it, she thought.
November 12, 9 pm
Cuddy stood up from the couch and made her way to the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea. She took the kettle and filled it with water and waited for it to boil. She took a teabag and put it in her cup and she waited.
While waiting she remembered Wilson's words. She didn't have to think about it. Her mind was made up.
She wondered then what House would think of her doing this?
She shook her head. If he gave a damn what she thought for just a second he would have been here instead of somewhere she didn't know.
She realized that she didn't consider everything else but what she wanted. And that was bad. Well, for her. Wilson was right, she finally acquiesced. He was so right. She had to think about this. She absolutely had to think this through.
For the moment she went on with it, there was no turning back. She'll be willing to raise a child, her and House's child, alone. She'd undergo a lot of emotional turmoil. She'd eventually have to tell her child why his or her father was missing. But that was overlooking the future. She forgot about the fact that she could just as easily miscarry again…
That… that she didn't know how she would take. Didn't know how she would take without him with her. In a more intimate way than the last time.
But that was far from happening. Unless a miracle made its way to her. She missed him so much, missed everything; the banter, bickering, the joy of having him in her radar, his voice, his face… everything.
Cuddy was pulled out of her thoughts when she finally noticed the insistent whistling of the kettle, informing her to get on with her life and turn off the burner. She collected herself and finally turned off the burner and took the kettle, pouring boiling water into her cup for some tea.
She then retreated to her living room and pushed thoughts of House and her plans of trying IVF once again to the back of her head so she can finish what she had to do for work. Though admittedly, it wasn't a very easy task to accomplish.
A/N: You guys still there? :D Lemme know what you think! Please leave a review…
So, who's guessing Lexi Blair would be calling Cuddy next chapter? *I'm such a tease* Raise your hands!