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Chapter Ten: Penumbra
"You know I do," he says, squeezing my hand, "just say it god dammit."
"Just, just promise me you're not going to-"
He turns over with a huff; "I will promise you whatever you want just fucking say it so we can go to sleep."
"I'm sorry-"
"Stop apologizing."
I sit up, leaning back on my palm. He's my love he would never hurt me.
"I…Eric I'm…I-"
"Is this about you being divergent?" He runs a hand over his face and squeezes the bridge of his nose.
I stare at him stunned.
"Yes I heard you and Sorin earlier but I knew before that. And no it doesn't change how I feel about you, I would never turn you in and if you even believe I would do that then we have a serious problem. And for the record-"
"But-"
"For the record, I've already protected you."
"From who?"
"A colleague. That little display in the park, defying your instructor, attacking him like that, it turned up a few eyebrows."
"What did you do?" I mumble, "H-how did you even know?"
A tiny, tired smirk graces his face, "I took care of it, but no one will ever question you again now that your with me," he sighs deeply and settles himself more comfortably on his back. The way he leers up at me makes me feel uneasy. "Did you really think you could hide everything from me my love?"
"N-no. Are you mad?"
"No," he reaches a hand up caressing my cheek, "are you?"
"No," my eyes fall from his I bite my bottom lip.
"Don't lie to me Aria I'm too tired for this," he says, "if your upset just tell me."
"I'm not."
Suddenly I have flashbacks of being home and of Marcus. But he isn't Marcus; he's nothing like him.
"It's my job. I'm a leader Aria its what we do."
Yes, sometimes I forget, Eric the leader. I don't see him too much down here, I only see my Eric. Stupid, how stupid of me. I've become so wound up in this place, in us that I let myself forget. The real world is out there, a place much different then this one. Is it strange that I find this place so much simpler, so much easier? Maybe I'm just a wild animal like them, a wicked thing crawling in the darkness, searching for something to satisfy my hunger. I shutter.
"Aria?" Eric's voice wakes me, "Are you even listening to me?"
"Yes," I say, "I know," my fingernails dig into the blanket making my knuckles white, his hand slides from my cheek down to my neck.
"Why is your heart racing?" His brow darkens as he watches me, "You still don't trust me, after everything," the bite in his voice returns.
"No I didn't say that, I-"
"You don't have to," his grip tightens on my throat, "it hurts Aria, that you can't trust me when I've done everything to prove to you that you can. Don't you get it, I hunt divergents; you're divergent. I put my job, my life on the line to protect you, and you still don't trust me," his hand trembles as he releases me.
He sits up and faces the rock wall, his muscles tensing and contracting. I stare at his naked form in the dark, hunched over, angry. "Babe," I start, "Please I just need more time. I'm not used to this-"
"Neither am I," he says over his shoulder, "but I trust you and I haven't done that in a very long time."
"I know, I know love, I'm a bad person, I don't deserve you." Scooting forward I wrap my arms around him. He's warm like he always is and I run my hand through his chest hair, pressing my cheek to his.
"You're not a bad person Aria," he says still with a degree of harshness, "but you need to meet me half way here."
"You're right, I'm sorry. I love you Eric."
"Do you?" he says with a sardonic little laugh, "You don't even trust me. How can you love someone you don't trust? I don't know what more you want from me..."
"Eric," I say my voice becoming unsteady, "you are all I want, all I have ever wanted. I don't need more and we just had sex, twice! You're my first and hopefully my last, you think I'd do that with you if I didn't trust you?" I pull myself into his side, "I love you. I don't want to live without you. I can't."
"Good," he says huskily, "as far as I'm concerned you'll never have to."
A tear touches the corner of my eye I smile. "You mean that?"
"Like I said you're my equal; even when you're pretending not to be."
The air in the cave instantly becomes heavy, stifling. My smile fades.
"What? What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean, your innocent little act. Its cute yes but I know who you really are."
My chest heaves in and out; I can't seem to get any air, I whisper because I'm afraid to say it any louder. "And who's that?"
He reaches a hand over and he strokes my cheek, "A dangerously beautiful girl, cunning, calculating. I see it on your face sometimes, out there especially. You enjoy it like your brother said. There's nothing wrong with that Aria."
I stare at him for some time, mulling over his words with narrow eyes. How much can he really know when I only show him what I want him to see?
"So, what are you saying Eric?"
"I'm saying that as my equal you should take your rightful place at my side, officially, personally, whatever."
What kind of union would that produce with each our own façade and pack of lies?
"Well?"
"I don't disagree with you," I say it causally and bring my eyes back to his. Its like there's a tide inside me and its being dragged out to sea rapidly. For whatever reason my reservations go with it. His darkness never frightened me, never really bothered me, I know I'm capable of much worse. In fact I recall how it fascinated me at first; as I fascinate him.
"There she is," he says a corner of his mouth tugging up in a slanted smirk.
I laugh a little.
"Why do you hide? I like who you are."
"Like?"
His smirk deepens, "Love."
"Love," I repeat and kiss him ardently.
"I wish she was here more often," he grins.
"Its just another side of me…"
"I know," he says "I love her too."
"I guess its survival," the honesty of my words shocks me. Maybe it's not as hard as I thought.
"How so?"
"I couldn't be this at home. He would have killed me but its more then him," I suck in a long breath and Eric tightens his hold around my waist, "when I fist met you I wondered if your look was crafted for a specific purpose or something natural, a side of you more primal, something you carved over time out of necessity."
"Camouflage."
"Yea."
A breathy chuckle and he lays his forehead to mine, "Two equal parts."
Something wakes me from a deep sleep; slight murmurs in the dark and I open my eyes. People walking from the far section of the cave to the grotto, I watch glassy eyed as they pass by.
"So what are you saying, we should trust them?"
Its Kyle and Lin.
"Well, we don't exactly have a choice do we Kyle?"
"No, I guess not."
"Yea, so we need to stick with them and they'll get us out ok?"
"Yea your right, I just, I dunno..."
"Don't know what? What's your problem?" She stiffens and slips her hands under her arms. She looks cold.
"Well, I mean if something goes wrong they're going to protect each other not us. Four and Aria are family and she's fucking Eric so we're pretty much screwed in that scenario."
My mouth instantly flies open, asshole. Eric stirs next to me, sliding his arm over me, he meets my eyes. He's been listening too.
"Kyle," she hisses and takes a step closer to him, "that's horrible don't say that."
"What its true, you think they're going to give a damn about us? I mean hell I'd save Aria over me too she's hotter then I thought, man those guys weren't lying."
What guys!?
Roslin sputters, "Ugh you're such a pig, shut the fuck up before you get us killed," she shoves him slightly and he falls back.
"What," he throws up both his hands, "I can look if I want."
"Kyle, that's Eric's girl, you better watch it," she warns sticking a finger in his face.
"Oh I am watching it, did you see her in that wet tank top yesterday? Damn that got me hot."
That familiar feeling rises up inside me again, something that used to be fear, fear of men who could hurt me, fear of walking home alone but it's not fear anymore. No, now it's something else, something that makes me shake with rage. Kyle wants to use me, just like all the others, like my father.
"Ugh, enough," she says, "I am not a guy and I don't find that funny."
"I'm not trying to be."
"She's just a kid Kyle leave her alone," she says, "and I trust them."
They pass into the crevice and I feel a bitter, sour taste in my mouth. I lay back down and close my eyes again. My head aches already.
"I'm gonna feed his ass to those things," Eric says and his voice is deadly calm.
"You can't do that."
"Why not?"
I open my eyes and hold his gaze; "You're his leader it's your duty to get him out of here safely."
"Fuck that," he snarls as he cups my face, "my duty is you and you alone. I'll keep you safe if I have to kill every last one of them," his thumbs rub my cheeks tenderly but the cold in his voice sends chills up my spine. Leaning closer he kisses me with slow, skillful tact and I'm left wanting when he finally pulls back.
"I love you," I whisper.
"I love you, don't ever forget that," his face hardens into stone and he looks to the grotto, "No one talks about you like that. I just have to wait for the right moment…"
"Eric I don't want people killed because of me," I push the hair off my face, "it's not like its ever going to stop. There will always be guys like that, trust me."
"Aria…" he sighs, "don't worry about it ok. Come on lets get dressed before he wonders in or something."
"Wait," I say and I grab his face. I kiss him, hard. He sucks in a sharp breath through his nose pulling me closer to him.
"Oh god," he murmurs as we set fire to the already igneous flame writhing within us.
"Eric, Eric," I pant against his mouth.
He pulls back, his brow furrowing between his eyes. The look is slightly reminiscent of the first night we kissed. "What?"
"There's so much more…"
"More?"
"This life, more then I ever thought possible. You showed me, you beautiful creature…"
"There is more," I say gulping for air, "and its all ours."
"Yes," he breathes and the frenzy begins again. I can't control myself, I feel feverish.
The impact of his lips again sends me reeling, blood rushes to my head.
I twist his bottom lip between my teeth, scraping my fingernails along his sides. Warm hands push the shirt up around my hips. I moan into his mouth. His chest heaves with ragged breaths as he drags an arm under my knee, he pushes into me, instantly breaking the kiss with a colorful string of curses, "Holy fuck, fuck."
I reach for him, pulling myself up to him I kiss his lips, their soft caresses submerse me deeper in the act. With almost violent haste I drag my hands over his body, caressing, groping, tugging and scraping my fingernails over him. His voice jolts appreciatively; he quickens his already brutal pace. My body spasms with the relentless throbbing, he hisses as we fall back to the ground. Releasing my leg he plunges deeper, harder, releasing a tiny, melodic cry from my lips.
It's nearly time; our breaths rise in unison and the joyous ache that escalates inside with every resounding grind. He brings his lips back to mine in a fiery kiss. My heart jumps in and out of my chest, breath swelling and expelling. Sweat beads on the back of my neck.
"I love you, god I love you," he strains, his face morphing in an elated silent cry.
My hands sprawl against his chest, "Eric..."
"Aria," he gasps, just before we both ascend into the pure, brilliant satisfaction of each other. With a shutter he collapses, moaning faintly against my skin.
"I love you," I manage, my voice dying as I speak.
He kisses my cheek and all along my jaw, gasping for breath after every kiss, "So," he grins against my neck, "you're moving in with me as soon as we get home."
"Says who?"
"Me. I want this," he says and roughly grabs a handful of my backside, "every morning."
"Aren't we awfully demanding?"
"Did you forget about we discussed last night?"
"Never."
"Good. I'll take care of all the arrangements when we get back."
"I can't wait but there better not be a hundred notches in your bedpost I have to stare at every day because-"
He starts laughing, "That's just a figure of speech ya know."
"Still."
"We'll buy new sheets."
"Yea."
I laugh until he starts to kiss me again.
"My brother will probably have a fit though-"
"What?" he pauses, "I don't care."
"Mm yea but-"
"Will you just shut up," he says and I giggle, "you never used to giggle at my commands."
"That was before I saw you naked, sir."
"Sir huh," he says, "I like it."
Relaxing into the rhythm of his lips is easy. What's not easy is trying to forget the hunger, the one desire he can't satisfy. Eric is the finest distraction I could ask for, warm, handsome, delicious. He breathes new life into my cold veins with every touch. When I think back to who I used to be, all I can recall is feeling alone. Even though there were people like Alexander, Kris and Grandfather, I was still alone. But with Eric I don't feel that way, not any more. I'm finally part of something, someone.
"Come on get dressed," he says, "I'm starving."
Turning over I watch as he gets up and starts dressing yawning into my palm. My hands are shaking, fuck. I stuff them into my sleeves and under my arms.
"Still tired," he says pulling his pants on, "you were pretty restless last night everything ok?"
Nodding absently I run a hand over my forehead. "Yea just a little tired. I'm sorry, if I kept you up."
"I'm fine. Maybe you can sleep a little before we go," he slides his belt through the buckle, "but I want you dressed. I don't want that asshole walking in on you half naked."
"Yea I know."
As soon as I stand spots cloud my eyes and my legs feel like jelly. Everything goes black.
"Aria, Aria," Eric's voice is sharp and I shutter awake.
"What, what happened?"
"You fucking passed out," he says and straightens me in his lap. "You said you were all right what the hell Aria?"
"I'm sorry," is all I can manage.
"Babe," he huffs out some air, "you need to tell me these things. I'm sick and tired of this shit, I want you strong again no matter what it takes."
If you knew, you wouldn't say that.
"I just stood up too fast its nothing, Eric-"
"Its not nothing for gods sake! Your all cold and clammy, your shaking, what else huh? Don't play these games with me," he says warningly.
"I'm not playing games Eric please," I whine.
"Please what? Hmm?"
"Please…please help me."
There is a silence and I look down at my hands in my sleeves, chewing on my lip.
"See," he says softly, turning my chin up, "now that wasn't so hard was it?"
I shake my head.
"What do you need me to do?"
"I…I just need to get out of here. I need you to get me out of this cave, no matter what."
"I'll carry you if I have to. I'm not letting anything happen to you, we got big plans remember?"
"I know. I just wanna go home so we can be together."
"We'll be home soon," he says softly and he knuckles my cheek, "lets get you dressed hmm?" I nod lifting my head. He reaches over and grabs my tiny black shorts, "Slowly," he says and I lean against him for support wrapping my arms around his shoulders as I stand up.
"See?" I say weekly and I'm met with a frown.
Sliding them up my legs and hips he glides them into place. Pushing up the baggy t-shirt and he kisses my stomach. "You're so beautiful," he mumbles. A hand stays on my hip to steady me as he reaches for my pants, "Shit," he curses crinkling the fabric in his hand.
"What?"
"Their still a little wet," he says handing them to me.
"Oh my god they're freezing," I say, "I can't wear these."
"You'll be fine," he makes to force me into them, "Aria."
"No, Eric its cold-"
"You're not going out there half naked," he says harshly, "so put em on now."
"No."
"Aria."
I scowl at him.
"Fine," he says and tosses my pants away. He pats his thigh and I sink back down, "Can't anything ever just be easy with you?"
"That wouldn't be fun would it?"
His emotionless face cracks into a smile, "You're such a brat."
"I'm sorry," I smile back, he picks up my bra, "I can do this one."
I slip it on under Sorin's shirt, "What am I going to do with you huh?" He drags my boots over.
"I could think of a few things..." I run my hand over his chest and up his neck, he snatches it and places it back down.
"I'm thinking about you getting better and that's it," he says and slips my socks and boots on, taking my foot to rest on his other knee while he laces them up. Unable to resist I start kissing all along the tattoos on his neck, he's so very wonderful I have to let him know. "Ya know for a sick person you are incredibly lascivious."
I laugh into his neck, "And your very chivalrous my love."
"Only for you," he says and our lips meet yet again.
"Hey guys-Oh! Oh sorry-"
We pull apart at the sound of Lin's voice, "Wait," I say, "its ok."
She turns around eyes darting away awkwardly and I smile at her. "Sorry I didn't mean to interrupt."
"What is it?" Eric says coldly.
"Ah…they're making some food, from our rations if you're hungry. Um we just need that."
She points to one of the small heaters.
"Go ahead," he says, "Not too much though, we still have to get home. We don't know how far out we are yet."
"Of course, well, ok then," she says taking the small cylinder with her as she leaves.
He sighs loudly a hand running up my thigh. "What is it?"
"We don't know what's out there."
"I guess we'll be the first ones."
"Yea," he pulls on his socks and boots, "How you feelin?"
"I'm ok now."
"We'll try walking just give me a minute ok?" I nod and he shifts me off his lap onto the stone.
He finishes dressing and he makes a sort of tent with the heater and one of the blankets, he lays my clothes in it.
"That's very erudite of you."
"Whatever," he rolls his eyes and holds his hand out, "come here." Swallowing I push myself up. My legs feel weaker as I walk toward him. I fall into his arms. "Baby," he says and his voice sounds strained.
"I know." Easily he lifts me up, placing my feet on top of his. He starts moving a little, swaying from side to side. "Are we…is this dancing?" Abnegation forbids such frivolous things as dancing so I wouldn't know I've never even seen someone dance.
A soft laugh proceeds his answer, "Yes. This is dancing."
I can't help but smile. "Eric there's no music."
"So," he says and I rest my head on his chest. The quiet rustling of his slight beard against my hair is oddly calming. "I'm…I cannot lose you."
"You won't, remember, you said it. You won't."
We stay like that for a while, just holding each other and swaying from side to side. I feel kinda nauseas actually; but I don't tell him, its sweet of him.
"Lets go eat huh? Maybe you'll feel better if you eat something."
"Ok," I hum nodding against him not wanting to let go.
"My Aria," he whispers and brushes my hair behind my ear.
I know it won't help to eat; in fact it might make it worse. There's a shift happening inside my body, almost like it refuses to tolerate normal food anymore. My withdrawal is starting to show. If I don't feed soon…will I die?
"Come on," he says and I'm scooped up and carried to the grotto. I have to stand to get through the other crevice, its too tight for two people.
"Aria."
"Huh?"
"Come on," he says holding his hand out. He pulls me through. "What's wrong, what's the matter?"
"Nothing."
But I might die.
"Babe? Wake up," he says and shakes me, "Babe?"
"Eric what happened?"
Tobias. My hand goes over my mouth. I feel tears in my eyes.
"Aria," Eric says, "what's wrong?"
When I open my mouth nothing comes out. Even though I might die, I still can't tell them what's wrong. There is something very wrong with that, with me.
"You broke her. I knew you'd break her." Tobias grabs my shoulders, "Aria," he says softly, "look at me its ok whatever it is its ok hmm?"
"I think she's in shock," a female voice. Roslin.
"From what? We were just-"
"Just what? What did you do to her," Tobias's voice escalates.
"Dancing," I mumble, "we were dancing…"
"You-what?" he sputters.
Pulling myself to him I try to keep from crying. The firm muscles in his arms flex as he wraps them around me. His t-shirt feels wet beneath my face. Eric says something to him that I can't hear and I take a deep breath he smells of some kind of fuel and that dark, soft soil you plant in. I clutch his shirt into my fists and hold him for a long time.
"Give her back now," Eric says and my laughter gets muffled, I finally pull my face away.
"Is that jealousy I detect," I tease.
Tobias laughs a little; his smile is exactly what I need.
"Absolutely. Give her back," he says again. "What the hell happened in the twenty steps from here to there?"
"Nothing," I say trying to wipe my face, "I was just being stupid, I'm sorry."
"Come on you need to eat," Tobias looks over my face. He looks worried though he tries to hide it
"Do I look that awful?"
"You look tired," he says and he leads me over to where everyone sits. He scoops some oatmeal and eggs into two of the metal cups. "Here," he says and I take them, "Aria where are your clothes?" The realization running rampant in his voice.
"They're still wet and cold," I whine.
"She's being a baby today," Eric says lowly, "don't mind her."
"Is that supposed to be something new?"
Eric's lips twitch up at comment and he emits the faintest sound, a light laughter.
"I think I liked it better when you two were fighting," I mumble and he pulls me down to sit between his legs, he arranges me roughly like I'm some sort of rag doll and covers us with the blanket.
I glower at him, "Are you comfortable now? Oh good glad to be of service."
He gives me a gentle tug and leans in close to my ear, his hot breath tingles my skin, "I am now," he tilts my chin and kisses me in front of everyone.
"Aww," Lin dares.
Sorin nudges her with his elbow, "Some tough guy huh?"
"Don't you start," Eric warns.
"Why don't we talk bout getting out of here," Tobias says stirring his coco.
"I don't want to go back out there," Lin mumbles lowering her head.
"We have to. We'll be fine don't worry," Sorin gives her another nudge and they smile at each other.
"So as soon as we finish we should start packing up," Tobias says taking a sip.
"Aria isn't feeling that well," Eric eyes me, "we wait."
"No I'm fine."
"A few hours then, I really think its best if we keep moving."
"Yea that's what I think too," I add.
"Aria," he snaps, "its dangerous out there, if you're not at your best you could die."
"Eric seriously-"
"I could carry her, if that helps," Sorin shrugs.
"What-Sorin!"
"No we need you to fight," Tobias says.
"I'll carry her."
We stop arguing and stare at Kyle.
"No," Eric says barley shielding his lethal intent.
"I don't need to be carried!"
"If anyone's carrying her its me," he continues like I didn't even speak. His gaze remains on Kyle. The young man shifts nervously under the hostile eye of his leader.
"Ok stop. I will not-"
"Shut up and eat something," Eric shoves a spoonful of oatmeal at me.
My mouth flies open gaping in shock. He shoves the spoon in my mouth.
"Good girl."
I nearly choke.
"Eric," Tobias warns sternly, "easy."
"Mind your business Four."
"You almost choked her!"
I sip some water, "Everyone stop it, I don't need to be carried and I don't need-"
"Shut up Aria." They both say at once.
"Oh my god!"
"Stop being such a baby." Eric holds another spoonful up and arches an eyebrow at me when I turn away stubbornly. "Aria…"
"No."
"Eat it," he clenches his teeth.
"You eat it," I growl.
"Don't make me force you-"
With a swift movement I take the spoon and shove it back in the cup. He huffs and I twist myself around, grabbing the blanket I pull it over our heads.
"What is wrong with you? You need to calm down!"
"What are you doing, why are you so eager to get your self killed!"
"I am not!"
"And quit acting so tough, I know how sick you are-"
"Shhh! I don't want them to know that!"
"Why the hell not?"
"Because!"
"You are ridiculous, get this blanket off my head!"
"Jerk!"
"Bitch," he yanks my waist and smashes his lips against mine.
"Mmm Eric…"
"You are so delicious."
"You do know we can hear you right?" Tobias says flatly.
I hear laughing in the corner.
"I need a blanket like that," Sorin chuckles.
"Yea the 'magic blanket of silence' gotta get me one of those," Lin giggles.
Eric growls; it only makes them laugh more.
"Oh shut up out there," I say and pull the blanket off, "you guys really know how to ruin the moment don't you."
"There is no moment," Tobias says disgusted, "not now not ever."
"Do you wanna tell him or should I?" Eric grins devilishly.
My brother's face grows murderous. "Tell me what?"
"Eric no!"
"This is better then the control room monitors during festival," Lin grins.
"We're making it official."
Oh shit.
So there's a lot of Eric/Aria interaction in this chapter and obviously the little "agreement" lol which I hadn't actually planned on for a while but it kind of just fit in perfectly so there it is! I guess when you know you know!
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