Chapter Ten

"May I ask you something, Samantha?"

"Of course, Ki'ya."

"Did my fath...Daniel ever find Sha're?"

Sam didn't answer right away. She looked around the VIP containment room to buy herself some time. She glanced at the one way mirror, the video cameras were running, but she knew that there was no one behind the glass. Ki'ya would have been able to sense any member of SG-1 that tried to hide there by the Naquadah in their blood. Sam had asked them to give them some privacy in hopes that it would help Ki'ya talk.

Sitting on the neatly made bed with her hands folded in her lap Ki'ya looked up at Sam, waiting patiently. The white scrubs she wore added to her pale, colour drained appearance. Her wrists and ankles sported carefully placed bandages to help them heal. Dr. Brightman had also cleaned up the wound in her shoulder, however afterward she had pulled Sam aside with a worried expression.

"Colonel," Dr. Brightman had started very professionally "this injury has all the appearances of being self inflicted."

"Self inflicted?" Sam had repeated shocked.

"Yes, I believe it's from her digging her fingernails into her shoulder and raking the gashes there...repetitively."

"Why?"

"This is only a guess, but many abuse victims will abuse themselves as a way of trying to gain control. Also in situations of extreme emotional distress some people are triggered to physically hurt themselves to act as a distraction from other thoughts."

"What about her wrists and ankles?"

"Those marks are more indicative of struggling against metal restraints." Dr. Brightman had replied. "In fact I removed a small sliver from her wrist of what I believe will test as Naquadah."

"Why isn't she healing her host?"

"I think only she can truly answer that. However, my guess is that her psychological damage is so extensive that she considers her physical health to be of no importance."

Sam was brought back to the present as Ki'ya called her name softly. She was looking nervous again. Much as Dr. Brightman predicted she reached over her shoulder compulsively. Sam was certain that the bandage was the only thing that kept her from reopening the wounds. Sam reached out and stopped Ki'ya from disturbing the cuts.

"He did find her," Sam finally answered "but she was killed."

"Oh...I...I'm sorry to hear that. I wanted very much to meet her. In many was it is memories of her that made me what I am." Ki'ya smiled sadly. "I...I am sure he blames himself."

"He does," Sam admitted "but he is slowly beginning to forgive himself."

"Has he forgiven himself for his baby girl's death?"

"What?"

"He didn't tell you?" Ki'ya asked in mild surprise.

"No."

"Then I have said too much."

Sam wasn't sure how to react to this news. She wanted to know more about it, but she knew that if Daniel had wanted her to know about this he would have told her himself. Sam was hurt at first, but she quickly realized that she had secrets of her own that she didn't want to share with the rest of the SGC, or even the rest of her team.

Ki'ya seemed embarrassed that she had revealed something about her father that he had kept close to his heart. She shifted her weight and looked around uncomfortably. Sam noticed that Ki'ya was suddenly starting to pant for breath.

"Ki'ya?" Sam asked alarmed. "Are you alright?"

"I will be fine." Ki'ya replied quietly. "I am always in some kind of pain."

"Would you like some time to rest and heal your cuts?"

"I would rather not be alone right now." Ki'ya admitted with a shy smile. "Besides, for reasons that I do not understand, I am not capable of healing my host in the same way that my brethren do. I think it is because I feel that I do not belong in this body, I was forced to take her...she was terrified...just as Sha're must have been."

"Can I speak to your host?" Sam requested gently.

"It will not be helpful." Ki'ya answered, sadly shaking her head.

"Why not?"

"She went insane a long time ago." Tears slipped down Ki'ya's face once more. "She was the only true companion I ever had, and until I met you she was the only female I had ever had contact with. Losing her was far more painful than the loss of my children."

"Do you know if your children are born Goa'uld or Tok'ra?"

"I do not know what becomes of my larva...nor do I consider them my children." Ki'ya replied icily. "I speak of the human children that my host and I have conceived, fathered by violence."

"Wait a minute, Ba'al was...well, I hate to use the word 'breeding'..."

"It is the only one that fits." Ki'ya hissed.

"But with humans?"

"He was trying to overcome Daniel's influence in my larva. Every time a human male was allowed to...to ravage me my next clutch of Gou'ald young had that many more memories crowding their minds."

"I hate to think about who Ba'al was choosing." Sam sympathized.

"Brutes, murders, and power hungry warlords." Ki'ya whimpered. "My only consolation was the fact that when they were done with me I was unchained and given the privilege of killing them myself."

Sam could not hide her shocked horror. Part of her surprise was actually the thought of this frail looking creature successfully slaying someone in cold blood.

"I am sorry, Samantha, I must admit that I murdered them without mercy." Ki'ya cast her eyes to the floor. "I suppose it is the Goa'uld in me."

"No." Sam said instantly. "I'm sure anyone in your situation would have reacted the same."

"I can only pray that there are no others who have found themselves in 'my situation'."

Sam found herself momentarily speechless. She didn't even want to try and imagine what such a life would be like. Sam was surprised that Ki'ya hadn't committed suicide a long time ago, but then remember that even if she had Ba'al would have easily been able to bring her back. Even if she couldn't heal herself, the sarcophagus certainly could.

"I'm sorry." Sam apologized simply because she didn't know what else to say.

"It is not your fault." Ki'ya smiled. "If anything you have given me new hope for myself."

"I take it that since Ba'al has turned to experimenting on Tok'ra that your chil...I'm sorry, 'larva' are not born as true Goa'ulds?"

"Ba'al never found a man even half as evil as Daniel is good...so it was all in vain."

Sam fought the sudden acid sting of tears. Ki'ya smiled again, her face becoming so much more radiant when she did so, like a marble statue suddenly coming to life. She looked around again and then she pulled her hands through her light red hair. Sam was surprised how much she looked like Gabriel when she did that.

"I have never wept over the loss of any of my larva, for they are just carbon copies of their disgusting fathers." Ki'ya said suddenly. "However the human children could not be blamed for their father's sins, and they each had souls of their own."

"Were they Harcesis, even though one parent was human?"

"I do not know...every time I showed signs of a new life it was carved from my belly while I watched."

"Ohmygod..." Sam breathed in horror.

"It...it is a pain unlike any other."

Ki'ya began to tremble once more, however she seemed to have run out of tears to shed. Sitting down on the bed beside her Sam instintivly went to draw Ki'ya into a comforting embrace. However this time the young Queen pulled away, unable to find any touch comforting at the moment.

"Ho...how many children have you lost?"

"I am ashamed to say this...but I have lost count."