A/N: It's been a while, fam. Beca's POV…retreat time
I boarded the Bella bus for about the ten millionth time in the past four years. I couldn't help but think about how it would be over soon, but the thing was, I was kind of ready. Ready to go out into the world and start my life. Sure, I hadn't written a goddamn original song yet, but I was going to figure it out. In fact, I would be figuring it out over the next few days, but Chloe was dragging us to the middle of nowhere for seemingly no purpose.
"This is gonna be great," Chloe kept saying. "We're gonna have so much fun, and we're gonna find our sound again, I can feel it!" And I wanted to believe that, I wanted to believe it so badly. But my stomach kept tossing and turning at the prospect of spending so much time with Chloe nonstop. What I'd told Chloe a few days prior…it made my hands sweaty and my tongue dry like the moment I was there. I figured at this rate, 48 hours with her and I would probably come down with pneumonia.
Luckily, Chloe allowed Stacie to slide in behind her so they could go over the usual gossip. I kind of envied how close they'd gotten recently. I mean, it was probably a direct result of me pushing her away, like I always did. Chloe needed someone who she could grab a hold of and keep by her side. I was, well, really bad at being that person. And no matter how I tried, I couldn't effectively show her that I wanted to be.
I sat by the window, and Emily, the last person on the bus, sat down tentatively beside me. Since I had kind of snapped at her at our first rehearsal, I think she was kind of afraid of me. Chloe was a lot better with her. Obviously. Chloe was everything I wasn't. I'd been trying to make it up to Emily, and I think the fact that I actually defended her against Chloe after the riff off was a point in my favor. Maybe this would be too. "Hey. Why so late?" I joked.
"Oh," Emily said, taken aback. She hastily gathered up a bunch of papers she'd been taking out of her backpack. "Uh, I was just, you know, talking to someone. That's all." She laughed nervously.
I smirked, figuring it was probably Benji. How cute. "Of course," I said, nodding slowly. Emily's eyes bugged out like she'd done something wrong, and she immediately pulled out a pencil and scribbled some gibberish on her paper. She never stopped writing song lyrics.
"Um…," Emily said, groping for something to restart the conversation. "Is everything okay with you and Chloe?" Really? I thought. That was what you came up with?
I scrunched up my mouth. "Yeah, why do you ask?"
"I don't know, it's just…look, everyone in the group's been fighting a lot lately, but never you two. Maybe that was just a happy accident, but you and Chloe always seemed to balance each other out. You know, you can tell me if anything happened."
I sighed. I didn't really have anyone else to confide in, but at the same time, I'd survived for a long time without having anyone to confide in. If anything, Chloe was that person. And it had taken years for that. "It's okay. There's just a lot of stuff going on. Graduation coming and all."
Emily didn't look convinced, but she dropped the subject. She went back to writing song lyrics in her notebook, which from my angle looked like some kind of heart fluttery love song. As sappy as it was, I wished I could write something like that. I wished I could write something at all. Goddammit. Instead, I did what I knew how to do. I pulled out my laptop and opened my latest mix. I was trying to get inspiration for our set for Worlds, but even more so, I was trying to get inspiration for the rest of my life.
Sooner than I expected, I felt the bus rolling to a stop. This lodge that Chloe had found us wasn't that long of a drive from Barden. My laptop was at 6% battery, and I desperately hoped there would be some outlet I could use here. We all unloaded our stuff, and I marveled at the nature all around – after, of course, making sure someone besides me knew I had to charge my laptop. I wanted to be more enchanted by the woods than I was, but I was mostly just achy from sitting so long, and cranky from being dragged away from work.
"How did you even hear about this place?" I asked Chloe.
Chloe didn't get the chance to answer before another voice cut in. "From yours truly," it said. I recognize that voice… "Hello, Bellas." I located the source of the speech and my mouth gaped. It was Aubrey, in all her park ranger glory, with a rifle cocked over her shoulder.
"Aubrey!" I squealed, barreling in to hug her. I hadn't seen our former captain that many times since she graduated, and certainly not as many as Chloe, but I admit I had grown fonder of her in lieu of all the clashing we had done that years. She was a pretty cool person. She'd never once mentioned this place before, though, which was odd.
Chloe's arms quickly enveloped the two of us, and soon enough all the others were surrounding us in a giant group hug. I felt like I was being suffocated by girly Bella acapella love.
After some general pleasantries, "how have you been"s and "oh you must be Emily"s, Aubrey was yelling at us already. "Fall in line, Bellas!" she ordered, and I literally jumped and followed her instructions. She explained the plan for our stay: we would not be out of each other's sight for the next 48 hours. We would be eating, sleeping, breathing, and singing together, and also completing some death-defying team building exercises! She made it sound a lot more fun than the words actually made it out to be.
I was in for a long two days.
Aubrey showed us to our campsite that night. "Here you are, girls," she said. She motioned for Flo, who'd been carrying the folded up tent, to set the bag down on the ground. "If you want to sleep in any kind of shelter tonight, you'll have to prepare it yourself. I'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning at my wake up call." She smiled cheerily, and when she saw no one had any questions, she turned and retraced her steps back to the main lodge.
"Well, let's get to it," Chloe said when no one made the first move to pitch the tent. She unzipped the bag and unloaded its contents. Cynthia-Rose and Ashley bent down to help her. I exhaled loudly and stretched my arms behind my back. This all seemed pretty pointless so far. But I didn't want to seem like an uncooperative co-captain, so when Chloe glared at me not to be the last one helping, I lent a hand.
"There are no instructions," Stacie said, shaking the empty tent bag. "How are we supposed to build this without instructions?"
CR cracked her knuckles and stepped forward. "I got this, guys. Me and my girlfriend go camping every month." She swiftly set up the frame of the tent, and we clumsily helped her throw the massive cover over it. We stood back and admired our handiwork. I couldn't have been the only one thinking that it looked a little…rickety. But people starting crawling inside, and I decided it would have to do.
The arrangement we picked was one where all our heads were lined up in the center of the tent, alternating directions. Chloe saved a spot for me right next to but upside down from her. I didn't know where to put my bag, and I still hadn't found a place to charge my laptop. I ended up using my duffel bag as a footrest, and I cautiously lied back in my space of about five square feet so as not to smush Lilly.
I rolled over to face Chloe, and immediately the girls around me usurped the extra side to side space I'd given up. I feared I would be stuck in that position for the rest of the night, but when Amy exited the tent to use the bathroom, the girls scooted back in that direction. "What are we doing?" I whispered sharply to Chloe.
"We're bonding. You seem so tense, do you need a backrub?" Chloe whispered back. Her face was close to mine. Too close. I was resisting so much temptation.
"Several body parts are rubbing my back right now," I informed her seriously.
"You know, Beca, the two of us are very close, but I think this retreat will let us discover everything about each other." Chloe smiled gently and sleepily.
"Is that so?" I asked.
Chloe nodded. "You know, one of my biggest regrets is that I didn't do enough experimenting in college."
Jesus, what was she saying? I tried to hold back my nervous lip quiver. I knew full well that Chloe had done her fair share of experimenting before I came to Barden. More than that, and it wasn't really experimenting anymore. It dawned on me, a little late but better than never, that she was hinting at the fact that she wanted to experiment…with me. And of course, since the other girls didn't know about all the stuff we'd been through recently, she had to phrase it like that.
It didn't come as a surprise to me, and nor should it have. But just…why now? My heart was still smarting from having told Chloe how I felt about her. The way Chloe was acting, it was like she thought this was moving too slow, but she was wrong. This was all moving far too fast for comfort. There was her, there was Jesse, there was the Bellas, there was work…it felt like I was falling down an endless hole like Alice in Wonderland, but there was no glimpse of Wonderland on the other side. There was just more and more falling.
Why do you keep thinking about kissing her? I asked myself. Her lips are, like, above your head, at this angle. That's not even natural. Stop looking at them. Stop looking at her lips, goddammit. Not now.
And I still hadn't come up with a response.
"You're so weird," I told Chloe.
She grinned. "Thanks." I promptly rolled to the other side.
Although I was mostly focused then on the warm wetness that was Lilly's tongue on my nose, I still felt the tingle of Chloe's breath on the nape of my neck. For goodness sake, Chlo, I thought, can't you just roll over too? The little wispy hairs on my neck stood up electrically, and I could feel every single one of them. I could've sworn Chloe's soft, warm lips were brushing them, and I squeezed my eyes shut to try and block it out.
Fat Amy called into the tent that her "pipes" were a bit blocked, and could we sing something for her? No, no no no, I begged silently. But Chloe jumped in right away with a rendition of "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia, which I was embarrassed to even know the name of. And when Chloe finally flipped onto her back, I breathed a sigh of relief, which was quickly cut off by her singing the line "lying naked on the floor." Why was I picturing Chloe lying there naked beside me? That was uncalled for.
I let the sweet voices fade away through my hands, which were covering my ears, and I allowed sleep to carry me out. Darkness, darkness, always falling. Always, always falling harder and harder…for Chloe?
The day was too long and too sweaty. The team building exercises were more extreme than I expected, as only Aubrey Posen could pull off. Everyone seemed to gain a little more self-confidence with everyone obstacle they conquered. Except me. I couldn't even pretend to have been enjoying it. I was worried about everything that was impending on my life, and it was consuming me.
At the end of our so-called "back to basics" medley, we were all exhausted, and I was at the end of my rope. I was so fed up with the way this trip had played out, and I had to let it all out. I found myself ranting at Chloe at the top of my lungs without even knowing what I was saying. I'm so tired! I wanted to scream. I'm so tired of everything that I'm being dealt right now and I'm not even trying to yell at you, Chloe, but I can't deal with you and all your beauty either! I can't do this, I can't do this…I just…I can't. But that wasn't what was coming out.
"Just tell her, Beca," I heard Amy say behind me. She was the only one of the girls who hadn't backed off to let things play out. I was grateful to have her for backup, but I still froze. Was she telling me to confess my love for Chloe? How did she know about that?
But no. She was talking about the internship. I'd forgotten Chloe didn't know about that. I heard Chloe choke back a sob as she said, "I heard that. Tell me what?"
Amy tried to cover it up, but I shook my head. It was time. "Fine, I have an internship at a legit record company, God forbid I have anything going on outside this group!" I said exasperatedly.
"Okay?" Chloe said, throwing up her hands. "Why wouldn't you tell me about this?"
We exchanged some more heated words, and I felt bad for every single thing I said, but I couldn't stop the words for coming out. Get out, Beca, get out. I listened to my gut and I started walking backwards, towards whatever direction was away from this scene.
"Aaah!" I screamed, suddenly swept off my feet. Rope cut into the bare skin of my legs and arms. "Oh my God, I'm dying, I'm dying. This is my karma for yelling at Chloe, I know it," I muttered, not loud enough for any of the assembling Bellas to hear me.
"Well, look who needs our help," Chloe said contemptuously.
"Not cool, guys," I shouted down.
"No, you know what's not cool is taking out your frustration on us!" Chloe responded. I could see Aubrey standing by looking pleased at us getting the chance to apply our team building skills in a real situation. I was not as pleased with this turn of events, especially with the few inches the stupid bear trap was dropping every time I moved a muscle.
I apologized to them, of course, because what else are you supposed to do when you're DYING? They showed their acceptance of my apology by gathering under the net to give me a soft landing, when all of a sudden I was freefalling straight at Amy. I landed hard on the ground, the wind knocked out of me. I was alive, and staring straight up at Lilly, holding a knife, and hanging upside down on the rope that had been suspending me. I couldn't quite wrap my mind around what happened, and I also couldn't hear Lilly's explanation from down here. I took a minute to catch my breath before standing up and rejoining the group.
Later that evening, we had a campfire. Aubrey struck me as the kind of person who cherished simple pleasures like campfires, when she was in one of her more peaceful moods. I had noticed, while we'd been here, that Aubrey had two main functions: one, the more common, barking orders and making people fear for their lives; and two, a rare gem, in which she had the most lulling voice I'd ever heard, and she talked about nature and teamwork and her beloved Lodge of Fallen Leaves. I wished I had some kind of peace like that, and I guess this fire helped me find it.
I told everyone how hard it was for me to admit to them where I'd been sneaking off to all this time. It didn't really make sense, but I tended to compartmentalize my life like that. There wasn't anyone who was in on everything, not even Jesse. They were pretty understanding about it all, considering I'd betrayed them big time. I knew where my priorities had to lie from now on, though, and that was winning Worlds – that is, after I produced a song with Emily.
Since we were all seniors, except for Em, we went around the circle telling everyone what plans we had for after graduation. Flo was going back to Guatemala, most likely. CR was going to get married, which gave us all something grand to look forward to. Lilly was going to do something unintelligible which I later found out was traveling through time. How…adventurous.
And then Chloe spoke. She was the one I wanted to hear from most. "I know it doesn't seem like it," she said tentatively, "but I'm afraid too. To leave, to move on…it's scary."
Aubrey took Chloe's hands in her own. While Aubrey was explaining to her that she didn't have to be scared, and that she never expected to end up where she was now, I thought I detected a hint of something more than amiable friendship in Chloe's eyes. Could it be? But I pushed the thought away. I couldn't believe I was getting jealous of who Chloe was paying attention to. That was just…wrong. Wasn't it?
Whatever Aubrey had said to Chloe had worked, though, because Chloe then stood up and announced that she would be graduating this year, alongside the rest of the senior Bellas. Alongside me. She went on to tell us her career plans, which included teaching underprivileged children how to sing (she would be absolutely perfect for that job), or dancing exotically (again, perfect). That made me smile. It was so Chloe to say that. Something triggered a chain reaction of people saying they were going to miss times like this, and then…
"I got my ticket for the long way round," Chloe sang slowly. Our eyes met, and I smiled, feeling bittersweet. My audition song for the Bellas my freshman year. It was one of the first few dominoes in how I became so close to Chloe, and I would never forget that.
"Two bottles of whiskey for the way," I joined in.
"And I sure would like some sweet company, and I'm leaving tomorrow, what do you say? When I'm gone, when I'm gone, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone. You're gonna miss me by my hair, you're gonna miss me everywhere, oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone."