It Won't Come Easily

Chapter Ten

"I feel like Lucy is slowly drifting away from me, and I don't know why." Carter complained to David three weeks later.

"Why do you think that she is drifting away?" David asked, taking a bite of the pie in front of him.

"She is avoiding me." Carter explained. "I have to basically almost stalk her to get a chance to talk to her. If I don't see her face to face, she won't call me or text me back. And then when we do talk, things feel different."

"Have you mentioned anything about to her?"

"I've tried, but she always says she is busy and has to get going. I don't know what to do. It's one thing if she doesn't want to be together, but I don't know what I'll do if she decides she doesn't even want to be friends anymore."

"You depend on her." David pointed out.

"Yeah. Of course I do."

"You depend on her a little too much."

"No." Carter shook his head.

"Carter, be real with me for a moment. Most of your time revolves around either talking about or thinking about Lucy. You plan out ways to get her attention. What does that sound like to you?"

Carter scoffed. "You think I'm addicted to her?"

"I think you definitely have attachment issues regarding her." David replied.

"So now you're a certified psychiatrist?" Carter scoffed. "I just…I love her. I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I'm sure you feel that way about Betty and you wouldn't say you have attachment issues."

"Actually, I would say that." David chuckled. "I'm honestly not sure how I would react if Betty ever left me. She has been a part of my life for so long that I don't even want to imagine what a life without her would look like. But I am aware of my attachment issues and I own up to them. You however, you ignore them and that is dangerous."

"So what are you suggesting?"

"Give her some space." David said.

"What if I give her space and she decides she doesn't want to ever be with me?"

"That's a risk you have to take." David told him.

"You've been very quiet the past couple of weeks." Betty said. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Lucy shrugged.

"C'mon. I know you better than that." Betty smiled. "What's going on?"

Lucy sighed. "I keep thinking that Carter was addicted to drugs for the better part of our relationship. Every time I think about something that happened during that time, I start to wonder if he was high then on pain medicine…if he was really truly acting like himself or if his reactions and his feelings were being influenced by his addiction. I keep thinking maybe he doesn't actually care about me, so much as the fact that I act like a reminder of how he felt during his addiction…and maybe he is only so enthusiastic about starting a relationship again right now because he thinks I can fill the role his addiction filled for him…does that even make sense?"

"It makes perfect sense." Betty replied.

"But I don't know what to do." She sighed again. "I've been avoiding him as much as possible lately. I know that isn't mature, but I don't know what to say to him anymore. Did I tell you that he proposed?"

She saw Betty's eyes get wide and realized she had left that part out.

"What? When did he do that?"

"A couple of weeks ago we were witnesses for some friends who got married. After they left he suggested we go and get married. I thought it was a joke, but the look on his face…he was dead serious. And it took everything in me not to say yes. But marriage right now is an insane thought."

"It is rather unorthodox." Betty chuckled.

"And it scared me because I know he wasn't kidding. I just feel like maybe he is trying to hang on to me in an attempt to…"

"Trade one addiction for another?" Betty interjected.

"Yeah." Lucy nodded.

"He wouldn't be the first addict to do something like that."

She looked at her watch. "Oh, I have to go or I'll be late."

"Are you still coming to dinner later this week?"

"Of course." Lucy smiled.

Carter shoved his white coat into his locker and took off his stethoscope. He was having dinner at David's house and would finally get to meet his wife. It was weird that he had developed this strong bond with David but never once in the last few months met his wife. So when David invited him for dinner he couldn't say no.

He thought it was encouraging that David's wife had stuck by him through his addiction and was secretly hoping he could talk to her about his situation with Lucy to see if she had any suggestions for him. He hadn't tried to contact her since David suggested he give her some space. But it was hard not to try and call her or try to bump into her at the hospital.

He knew David was wrong. He didn't have attachment issues with Lucy. He just loved her and wanted to spend time with her. He didn't see anything wrong with that because there was nothing wrong with that. Right?

Lucy rang the doorbell and stretched her neck from side to side. Today had been a rough day. One of her patients died in surgery and anytime that happened it tore her up a little inside. She thought about canceling her dinner plans with Betty and David but decided that being around other people could be a good thing for her.

"Lucy! Welcome." David greeted, giving her a hug.

"Hi David." Lucy smiled. "How are you?"

"Good." He smiled. "I'm actually really good. How are you?"

"I will warn you I lost a patient today so I'm a little off my game."

"Well one of Betty's home cooked meals will fix you right up." David promised. "She's in the kitchen if you want to say hi."

"Thanks." Lucy crossed through the dining room and saw that there were four settings on the table. Entering the kitchen, she saw Betty making a salad. "Hello."

"Lucy! Hi!" Betty turned and smiled. "What's wrong?"

Lucy chuckled. "I lost a patient during surgery today."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Betty sighed. "It's a good thing you are here with us tonight."

"Speaking of us, there are four settings on the table. Is someone else coming?"

"Yeah." Betty nodded. "I didn't know until about an hour ago, but David invited the gentleman he is sponsoring. I think his name is John. I don't know. David isn't telling me much about him for some reason. Is that a problem?"

"No, I guess not." Lucy shrugged, even though she wasn't sure she felt like meeting someone new tonight. "Why isn't David telling you much about his sponsoree or whatever they are called?"

"I have no clue. Every time I ask about him, David just gives me generic answers." Betty chuckled. "So I'm curious to meet him."

"Well what can I help with?" Lucy asked.

"Why don't you finish the salad and I'll get the mashed potatoes done?"

"Sounds perfect." Lucy smiled. She was done with the salad when the doorbell rang.

"Do you mind finishing up for a moment while I go meet the new guy?" Betty asked. "The suspense is killing me!"

Lucy giggled. "Go on. I'll get this ready."

"I'll be right back." Betty promised.

"Hi." Carter greeted when David answered the door.

"Hey. Come on in." David greeted.

Carter stepped into the entryway.

"I must apologize. I didn't know that my wife had already invited one of her friends over for dinner tonight. Is that going to be a problem?" David asked.

"No." Carter shrugged. He was fine with it, though it did probably mean it would be harder to get any advice on how to deal with Lucy.

"Ah, here is my darling wife." David smiled as Betty came into the entryway. "Betty, this is John Carter. Carter, this is my wonderful wife Betty."

Carter held out the flowers. "It's great to finally meet you. David has told me so much about you. Thank you for having me over for dinner. I brought you some flowers." Betty was just staring at him and then she looked over at David. Then she looked back at him again.

"Thank you. It's nice to meet you too. Although David didn't tell me much about you. In fact, he left out some important information." Betty smiled. "Excuse me, I better go put these in water. Why don't you two go ahead to the dining room? Dinner will be out in a moment."

Lucy got the mashed potatoes done quickly and was in the process of taking food out to the table when she heard a familiar voice.

"Oh no." She whispered. "It can't be."

Sure enough, three seconds later Betty entered the dining room, followed closely by David and Carter.

"Lucy?" Carter questioned.

"Carter?" She greeted. "Um, Betty, I need your help with something in the kitchen."

"Of course." Betty followed her into the kitchen.

"David is Carter's sponsor?" Lucy questioned, trying to whisper in an angry tone.

"I swear I didn't know." Betty replied, getting a vase out and putting water in it for the flowers. "All David told me was his name was John. I figured there were plenty of men named John in this town. It never occurred to me that it would be your John."

"He isn't my John anymore." Lucy protested.

"Oh sweetie." Betty laughed. "He's always going to be your John."

Lucy would have argued more, but she knew Betty was right. No matter what did or didn't happen between them in the future, she would always consider him hers.

"Are you going to be ok at dinner?"

"Do I really have a choice?" Lucy sighed.

"You could make a run for it, but my kitchen window isn't very big. You might end up stuck. Then I'd have to call the fire department to get you out." Betty joked. "So I think you're only option is to go out there."

"Oh this should be fun." Lucy sighed, taking more food to the table.

Carter watched as Lucy brought more food out and then sat down across from him at the table. But she wasn't looking at him or paying him any attention. He wondered how she knew Betty and David. He wondered why his presence here upset her. At least now Betty's staring at him when she heard the name made more sense. He wondered what Lucy had told the woman about him.

He also wondered if he would get any of the answers tonight.

"So this is funny, isn't it?" David asked as they all sat down together.

"I think you are the only one who thinks so, dear." Betty told him, staring daggers at her husband.

"So how do you know each other?" Carter asked, looking at Lucy and then Betty.

"I met Betty at a Nar-anon meeting and we've been friends ever since." Lucy replied, not looking up from her plate.

"Oh." Carter nodded. "Well…ok." He wasn't sure what to say about that. So Betty probably knew the whole story. There was most likely no way he was going to get any help on the situation with Lucy from this woman.

Dinner was awkward. All Lucy could think about was how weird the situation was. Carter's sponsor was Betty's husband. Betty was practically her version of a non-addict sponsor. Betty knew all of her secrets and probably had shared them with David, who could easily share them with Carter.

Shouldn't there be a rule against that? She was mad at David for being Carter's sponsor. Judging by the frosty answers Betty gave her husband during dinner, she was angry too. A part of her wondered if David sought Carter out or if it was just a coincidence.

Either way, this was not the best way to spend an evening after a rough day at work.

"David, can you please help me clear the table while Lucy and Carter go into the living room?" Betty asked after dinner was done.

"I can help you." Lucy offered, eager to get away from Carter.

"No." Betty told her. "Thank you, but I think David should help. You two just go on into the living room and we'll bring out dessert soon."

Lucy sighed as she got up and walked to the living room. She sat on the couch and watched as Carter walked around the room, looking at the pictures that were on the mantle and walls.

A minute later, he sat down on the other side of the couch. "This is weird…right?"

"Yeah." She laughed. "What are the odds?"

"Are you mad at me for being here?" He asked. "Because you seem upset that I'm here."

"No." She shook her head. "If I'm mad at anyone, it's David. He knew about you…he knew your name…I don't know why he became your sponsor."

"I don't know either." Carter shrugged. "I just met him at a meeting. I didn't think too much about it."

They sat in silence for a moment.

"So you've been avoiding me again."

She sighed. "Carter…"

"No. It's ok. It's not an accusation…just an observation."

"But it's not fair to you. I just…I don't know how to be around you anymore." She admitted.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Look, can we talk about this another time? It's been a long day and it doesn't feel right to talk about this here with Betty and David in the other room."

"Why not?" He scoffed. "You know they will both hear about it eventually anyway."

She thought about it for a moment. He was right about that. If he wanted to talk about it now, she would talk about it now. "Ok. I have been thinking a lot about things lately and if I'm completely honest…I'm not convinced you actually care about me. For most, if not all, of our relationship you were addicted to pain pills. You weren't thinking clearly. How am I supposed to trust that you actually, truly care about me and aren't just wanting to be with me because you were with me during your addiction?"

"That's absurd!" Carter shook his head. "What can I do to convince you? What do I have to do to prove to you that I love you? I want to marry you. I want us to grow old together. That has nothing to do with my addiction. Is this because I joked that we could get married after Mark and Elizabeth did?"

"It wasn't a joke though." She pointed out. "And yeah, that has something to do with it. You had this knee-jerk reaction that we could get married and things would be great again. I've been thinking a lot, and it feels like I'm just a security blanket to you…something to help take your mind off of your addiction. I think you're vulnerable right now and you probably think that getting together with me will somehow help stabilize you or something. But I can't save you."

"So now you also think I'm trading one addiction for another?" Carter sighed. "David suggested the same thing."

"I think it is possible." She acknowledged. "And the fact that David saw it too makes me think it might be true."

"It's not true though." He complained. "Why does it feel like everyone is against me?"

"No one is against you. We just want what's best for you."

"But everyone seems to have their own opinions about what is best for me and won't listen to me about what I know to be best."

"And that's another thing." Lucy sighed. "Did you ever think about what it's been like for me? Did you ever ask about anything that might have happened while you were in rehab? Or what my life has been like?" She asked.

"No. I guess I haven't." He shook his head. "Did something happen when I was in rehab?"

"Yes of course something happened!" She exclaimed. "My life didn't just pause while you were gone. I wasn't frozen in carbonite waiting for you to come back. Things happened. But you haven't asked about them because it's been the John Carter show 24/7 since you came back."

"So now you're calling me selfish?"

"No." She felt like he was putting words in her mouth now.

"That's what it sounds like to me." He sighed.

"I can't do this." She said, standing up. "Please tell them that I had to go home." She stormed out of the house quickly after grabbing her coat and purse. A few seconds after she reached the outside, she heard the front door slam behind her. But she kept on walking.

"Lucy!" He called out after her. "Lucy! We're not done here."

She stopped and turned around. "I think I might be."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't keep going around and around with you like this. You want things I am not ready to give you. You need things I can't give you right now. I love you Carter. I really do. And I think I've loved you ever since we made out in exam six back when we were much different people. But I can't do this right now."

"Is this you flipping the switch so that you don't care about me anymore?" He asked softly.

She realized he was referencing the talk they had on Valentine's Day and slowly nodded her head as tears formed in her eyes. "I think so."

He sighed. "Did something happen while I was in rehab?"

"Yeah." She nodded.

"Was it…another guy? I wouldn't blame you if it was…"

"God…you really think it was another guy? I just told you that I love you and you think I had some kind of mad, torrid affair with a different guy while you were gone?" She couldn't believe him asking that.

"I don't know?" He yelled. "Alright? I'm just trying to figure this out. When I came back you said we could be friends. But then it seemed like maybe we could be more in the future and now it seems like you just want to write me out of your life completely. What the hell happened?"

"I was pregnant, ok?" Lucy yelled. "I found out I was pregnant after you left and then I had a miscarriage before you got back. Ok? Are you happy now?"

She immediately regretted yelling it out like that as she saw his face contort. Seeing him process that made her feel like a jerk.

"No, actually now I feel worse." He turned and started walking in the other direction.

She wiped a few tears from her eyes and ran after him. "Carter…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to blurt it out like that. I really didn't."

"There's no good way to say something like that." He told her as he kept walking.

She walked with him. "It still wasn't fair to say it like that."

He stopped walking and looked at her for a long time. "Go ahead and flip the switch…stop caring about me if you want. I can complete my recovery without you if I have to."

"Carter…"

"Just leave me alone Lucy. I don't need you. Go and be free." He started to jog away from her.