Chapter 10 - Drowning
I've got to hold on
I've got to be strong
Can't give up now
I've got to move on
I've got nothing left
So show me the way
I don't think I'm gonna last one more day
So save me
I'm drowning alive
And keep me
From dying inside
I only want to find my way back home
But I can't make it alone
I'll never make it alone
- Love and Theft, "Drowning"
The Doctor phones Jack early the next morning to see about stopping by for a visit. He tells Jack that he found Rose about four months ago and that she is alive. Jack is a little irritated that it took the Doctor that long to tell him that she was safe.
"I checked the date I called you on and it's only a few weeks after I was there while looking for her! If time was linear and not all wibbly-wobbly I wouldn't even have found her yet, so in a way you're finding out before I am!"
"That's not the point Doctor and you know it." The Doctor hears Jack let out a deep breath. "But how is she doing, Doctor? Is she okay?"
It hadn't escaped Jack's notice that the only word the Doctor had used to describe Rose during the conversation thus far was 'alive'.
"I don't know. She's getting there. I think. When I found her she was not okay in the slightest. She was barely alive. I was terrified she wasn't going to make it through the first couple nights. She told me some of what he did to her. He beat her, starved her, drugged her. She was really messed up both physically and mentally when I finally found her. Little by little I've been trying to help her work through it. I thought she was getting better. She had started to act like her old self again. But then… about a week ago… she tried to drown herself in the pool."
"Oh god!"
"Thankfully I got to her in time. I don't think she's going to try anything like that again, but now I know there is something big that happened to her that she is not telling me. I tried coaxing it out of her last night, but I'm afraid I just made things worse. I'm hoping that maybe it has something to do with me and maybe she'll talk to you?"
"Of course. You know I'll do anything and everything for Rose. Get here whenever you can. I'll fill Gwen in as well. Maybe it will be easier for Rose to talk to another woman."
The Doctor hadn't thought about that. Or maybe he just hadn't wanted to think about that. "Thank you, Jack. We should be there around 8 p.m."
He hangs up just as Rose walks into the console room. By her appearance, he can tell she didn't get much, if any, sleep last night after their talk in the hall.
"Ready?" he asks her.
"Do I have much of a choice?"
He offers her his hand, which she grabs and holds onto as if her life depended on it. And maybe it did. He pushes a few more buttons and the TARDIS materializes in Cardiff.
Without relaxing his grip on her hand, the Doctor turns to Rose and says, "I'm not going to lie to you. There is going to be a lot of people out there. But it's fairly late at night, so it shouldn't be too bad. And it is only a short walk to the Torchwood headquarters. I'll be right next to you the entire time."
Rose takes a deep breath and nods as she releases it. She's as ready as she'll ever be. He grips her hand tighter and pulls open the doors to the TARDIS as they step outside. Like he had suspected, the street they are on is busy. But not extremely busy and they should be able to walk around without getting to close to anyone. They only have to walk a few streets before they find where Jack and Gwen are waiting for them.
Jack walks right up to Rose and hugs her. "I'm so glad you're okay." She seems tense in his arms, but returns the hug and thanks him. Jack also greets the Doctor with a hug before introducing Rose to the woman standing a few steps behind him. "This is Gwen."
Gwen comes forward and offers Rose her hand. As Rose shakes it, Gwen says, "It's nice to finally meet you."
"Likewise," is Rose's response.
Gwen then shakes the Doctor's hand. "And it's nice to see you again, Doctor." The Doctor smiles at her, wondering if she is being sincere. Last time he was here he had not been in a very good place. Rose had been missing for far too long. He may have snapped at Gwen a couple of times.
The Doctor grabs Rose's hand again as they all head towards the Torchwood entrance. Jack and Gwen lead the way, discussing their latest case, as he and Rose follow in silence. As the ground beneath them lowers them into headquarters, Rose grips onto his arm with the hand that is not in his. He looks at her and gives her a reassuring smile, placing his free hand on top of hers. He watches her as she takes in their surroundings.
"What do you think?" Gwen asks her.
"It's brilliant," Rose remarks. Her gaze shifts upwards as a strange sound is heard. "Is that a pterodactyl?"
Gwen laughs. "Yes. Yes it is. Do you want a cup of coffee or tea, Rose?"
"Uhhh… sure. Coffee sounds good." The two of them walk into the break room and Rose sits down as Gwen starts to brew a new pot of coffee.
"Do you want something a bit stronger than tea or coffee, Doctor?" Jack leads the Doctor over to a few chairs by his desk, still in full view of the room Rose is in. She keeps looking out through the glass windows at him, making sure he is still there.
"How are you doing?" Jack asks the Doctor. "I know how much you care about her. This can't be easy for you either."
"I'm doing as well as can be expected. It's hard. I just wish I knew what I could do to help her."
"She's strong. She can make it through this. Together you will both be okay." Jack reaches into his desk and pulls out two glasses and a bottle of whiskey. He pours them both substantial drinks. They clink their glasses together before downing them.
They continue talking about what they've been doing since their last meeting. Every now and then, the Doctor looks over into the other room. At one point, he sees Rose crying into her arms, which are folded on the table, and Gwen doing her best to comfort the girl. Jack follows his gaze. The Doctor stands up and starts rushing over to the room they are in, but Gwen catches his eyes and shakes her head. He reluctantly sits back down, still watching the two of them.
The Doctor holds his empty glass out to Jack. "You had better make my next one a double." Jack obliges.
"So," Jack says with a look of dead seriousness on his face, still staring in Rose's direction. "Where do we find this guy and how do we kill him?"
Rose follows the unfamiliar woman into a room with a long table. Rose positions herself facing the windows so she can keep her eye on the Doctor, as well as the door to the room. Gwen starts a pot of coffee. She talks to Rose about Torchwood. What they do, how Gwen became involved with them. Rose does her best to listen attentively, but she keeps looking out of the room at the Doctor.
Gwen catches her in mid-stare as she places a hot cup of coffee in front of Rose. "He's really worried about you, you know," Gwen says as Rose adds milk and sugar to her coffee and takes a sip, burning her tongue in the process.
"I know." She looks down at her hands, holding the hot mug between them, warming them.
"Jack filled me in on what he knows about what happened. He told me you were kidnapped by an enemy of the Doctor. You were held for almost four months where you were beaten, starved, and drugged. The Doctor told Jack that there was something else that happened that you can't tell him. Jack thought it might be easier for you to talk to another woman."
Rose doesn't respond. She remains looking down at her hands on the mug. She should really move them. The mug is still extremely hot. But she finds the pain to be a welcome distraction from all the other thoughts running through her mind.
"Rose?" Gwen places her hand on Rose's wrists. She must feel the heat radiating off the mug, because the next thing she does is pull it away from Rose's hands and looks at her palms. They are both bright red. Gwen stands up and soaks a paper towel in cold water before sitting back down and placing the cool cloth against Rose's hands. "He's right, isn't he? The Master did something else horrible to you. Something you're afraid to talk about"
Rose nods. She's really hoping she won't have to say the words she has been trying to avoid. Jack is right though. She is less afraid to tell a woman than she is to tell another man. And even though she has never met Gwen before, there is something familiar about her face, and for some reason, Rose trusts her. But that doesn't mean she wants to say it out loud yet.
"Yes. And despite the fact that it's tearing me apart to deal with it alone, I can't talk about it. Because for some reason, saying it out loud makes it more real. Right now I can still try and pretend it was all a bad dream." She rubs her hand together, still throbbing a bit from holding them on the scalding mug. She then runs them through her hair, wondering if she should just say it. Pretending isn't doing her any good. But she can't do it. She can't get her voice to work and make the correct sounds.
"Rose, did he rape you?"
Rose closes her eyes and sighs. She isn't surprised Gwen figured it out. She has actually been wondering if the Doctor suspects, but is too afraid to ask for confirmation. What else could it be that Rose doesn't want to talk about, even after all she had already told him?
She looks at Gwen through watery eyes and says, "Repeatedly over the course of almost three entire months." She looks back down at her hands and begins to recall the events of countless nights in his captivity. "He would put these drugs in my food. I don't know what they were, but they would knock me out for a few minutes. When I would wake up, he would have my wrists and ankles tied to the bedposts. And then–" She swallows and rubs her wrists. "He would climb on top of me and–" She takes a couple shaky breaths before she is able to get out what she needs to say next. "And he would make me look into his eyes the entire time." When the tears start flowing, Rose folds her arms on the table and hides her face in them.
"Oh, Rose." Gwen places one hand on Rose's upper arm and begins rubbing the sobbing girl's back with the other.
After a few minutes, Rose regains some of her composure and picks her head back up. Gwen hands her a tissue and asks, "Why are you so afraid to tell the Doctor?"
"He already blames himself so much for everything. I don't want him blaming himself for this too. I'm afraid of what his reaction will be. Also, I- I-" It takes her a few tries to get the words out, but she needs someone else to know. "I stopped fighting! And I hate myself for it! I just laid there and allowed it to happen!"
"Rose. You can't afford to think like that. You'll drive yourself mad. You didn't allow anything to happen. You survived. You're a survivor."
"And what use is that?!" She is almost yelling, but keeps her voice down enough that the Doctor and Jack shouldn't be able to hear. Now all the anger she had been keeping pent up inside her is coming out. Anger at the Master. At the Doctor. But mostly at herself. "What good is being a survivor if I have to live everyday with these terrible memories?! What good is being alive if I spend every waking moment in fear that he'll come back for me?!"
"I don't know," Gwen responds. This is not the answer Rose is expecting. "I can't pretend to have any idea what you are going through right now. What I do know is that there is a man out in the next room cares about you so much. When he was looking for you, he was so scared and worried that he might never find you. He was angry and short with everyone and straight up mean at times. I actually didn't like him very much. Jack had to explain that it was not what he is normally like. Right now, I can tell that it is killing him not to run in here and try and do everything he can to comfort you. Maybe having someone who cares for you that much is reason alone to keep going."
Rose looks out to the Doctor and catches his eye for a second before he looks away. She sees the concern in his eyes and can't help but wonder what he sees in hers. She knows Gwen is right. Rose takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. "I can still feel him all over me," she admits and a shiver crawls up her spine. She looks over at Gwen, whose eyes are filled with sympathy. She hates being looked at like that, but right now the words keep coming. Her deepest fears that she has been holding inside for months come pouring out to this woman she hardly even knows. "I was terrified for the longest time because he never used any sort of protection. But I wasn't," she adds quickly, seeing a worried look pass over Gwen's face. "Pregnant that is. Even if I was at one point, there's no way it would have survived between the drugs and lack of food. And I'm not sure how I would have explained what one to the Doctor." She looks back out at him.
"You love him don't you?" She is really good at knowing what Rose is thinking.
"Yeah. I do."
"But…" She is too good at knowing what Rose is thinking.
"But what if he finds out about this and he starts to look at me differently. What if he no longer wants to touch me? What if he thinks I'm too damaged to continue traveling with him?" Rose didn't even realize she is worried about this. But apparently she is.
Gwen reaches out and hugs her. "Rose, I'm pretty sure you realize how ridiculous you sound right now. You know he won't think like that."
Yes, she does know. She knows that logic cannot be applied to her worries, but it doesn't change them. She sits back in her chair and picks up her coffee again, now much cooler to the touch, and begins drinking it, anxious for the caffeine.
"You haven't been sleeping much, have you?"
"No. And when I do sleep, it's not restful. I keep having nightmares. Except they're less like nightmares, and more like memories I am reliving. Last night it was worse than usual." She takes another long sip of her coffee.
Gwen reaches across the table and grabs a piece of paper and a pen and scribbles something down. She hands the paper to Rose and explains, "This is my cell number. If you ever need to talk, any time of day or night, just give me a call."
Rose thanks her as she slips the paper into her pocket.
"Now," Gwen starts, "I am going to give you some advice. I'm not going to insist you tell everything to the Doctor, but I am going to highly recommend it. He helped you through everything else you went through, so he can probably do the same for this too. He loves you, Rose. No matter what happened."
Rose nods. She knows Gwen is right. The Doctor always knows what to say or do to make her feel better. And while 'love' is probably too strong a word for what the Doctor feels towards her, she knows he cares about her. But she can't ignore that voice in the back of her head telling her that it would be the worst possible thing she could do.
"Do you want to talk about what happened in the pool?"
Rose shakes her head. "Not really. That was just a really stupid mistake that I thought was the only option to help me forget and to make travelling easier for him. I don't plan on doing anything like that again."
"Alright then. Unless there's something else you want to talk about, we should head back out. Now even Jack looks ready to rush in here and make sure you're okay."
Rose finishes off the rest of her coffee and the two women stand up and head back out to where the Doctor and Jack are anxiously waiting. Silent, as they had run out of topics to discuss and were too worried to think up any others. But before any of them has a chance to say anything, another man, whom Rose later learns is named Ianto and is apparently Jack's boyfriend, comes in carrying a stack of pizzas.
"I hope you're all hungry. We may have ordered a bit too much. But Jack can never decide what type of pizza he's in the mood for."
They all sit around a table and eat pizza and talk and joke and laugh. Rose didn't realize that telling someone the whole truth would make her feel so much more relaxed. She knows the Doctor can tell she feels better, because he seems more relaxed as well.
After a few more hours, Rose and the Doctor decide to leave while the streets are still empty in the middle of the night and everyone says their goodbyes.
After giving Jack a much more genuine hug, Rose turns to Gwen. "Thank you, Gwen. For listening to me explain and complain. I know you don't really know me and you didn't have to do this. But I do think it was helpful."
They hug each other. "I'm glad. Sometimes you need to talk to someone who doesn't really know you. Someone who has no expectations of you. Makes it easier. And like I said, don't ever hesitate to give me a call if you need to talk again."
Rose and the Doctor walk hand in hand back to the TARDIS. Despite all the coffee she had, she is still exhausted and immediately falls asleep. The nightmares/memories come back, but they are not as intense as they were the previous night. She can tell they are just a dream and pushes them away.
AN: Another big thank you to everyone who has favorite, followed, and especially reviewed!