Rapunzel decides to give Merida cooking lessons. After all, how hard can it be? It's just food... and using fire to heat up said food...
Also, if you think that Rapunzel NEVER picked up on Mother Gothel's rude passive-aggressive behavior, you cray cray. lol
It'll be explained later though.
This story is derived from 3 Tales skits. The first part is based on the Tales of Vesperia skit titled "Call it what it is." The second one is based on Tales of the Abyss skit titled "The Princess' Cooking Struggles, Part 3." And the third part is based on the Tales of Vesperia skit titled "It."
Tales of Cooking
It had taken her mother some convincing, but Merida managed to get the queen's blessing to allow her friends to help her find a career choice. Elinor knew Merida's friends were trustworthy people, including those two damned Vikings, Merida associated with, who were an honest duo. The princess had her idea set up: She would ask her friends to show her the ropes of what they do and she would decide what would be best for her.
Rapunzel decided to be the first one to help the curly haired princess. After all, she felt that this entire mess was partially her fault. But it wasn't like she could have expected the little boys to throw axes at people. Merida was truly grateful that her friend decided to help her, but a few days after the trip to Elsa's ice palace, Rapunzel had becomekind of…. happily snippy.
"Uhh yeah," Merida stammered. "I appreciate your offer, but you don't have to if you don't want to."
"Oh I know I don't have to," Rapunzel weirdly smiled. "I'm just nice like that."
That last comment made Merida tense up a bit and she did not know why.
Rapunzel found her calling by hosting parties and dinners as it was a good fit for a happy go lucky, young woman like herself. She could plan, organize, bake, and set up the decorations all before lunch. Then again, having been locked up in a tower your entire life could have a major effect on your planning abilities. Merida figured that the blonde must be really stressed right now as Rapunzel was also tasked with setting up the biggest shindig in all of Western Europe. But that's for another story.
I've heard from Mom that Corona was hosting the event, Merida recalled. I wonder how Rapunzel is handling this.
Rapunzel decided to start Merida off with basic cooking because cooking is a necessity for any kind of party…. or survival. Merida also figured that cooking would not be hard to master as she usually cooked whatever she found during her hunting sessions with her old man.
"Okay," Merida said. "What are we gonna cook first?"
"We're gonna cook vichyssoise," Rapunzel explained. "Here's a list of ingredients."
Rapunzel gave Merida the list and Merida found all the items for it. However Merida noticed that the ingredients for the vichyssoise were ingredients for potato soup.
"Wait," Merida halted. "I thought we were making vishy-whatever. Not potato soup."
"Vichyssoise is potato soup," Rapunzel answered.
"Then why not call it potato soup."
"Because it's called vichyssoise."
The two girls looked at each other dumbfounded as if the other one was being a plum idiot.
"Rapunzel, what do you call soup where the main thing is carrots?" Merida asked.
"Carrot soup, but…"
"Then this is potato soup!"
"Just call it vichyssoise, please?" Rapunzel said with a smile that was hiding tested patience.
Eugene then walked into the kitchen looking for booze, whiskey, or anything just to tolerate some cursed mime. If he was going to watch one more of that clown's 'I'm trapped in a box" joke, he's going to watch it while drunk.
"Hi, my love," Eugene lovely said as he kissed Rapunzel. Then he said to Merida, "Hey Red."
"Eugene," Merida called wanting a third opinion. "What would you call this with the ingredients we're using?"
The reformed thief looked at the ingredients and then an expression horrible shock crossed his face "Aw damnit, don't tell me we're having potato soup for dinner again? I hate potato soup."
Rapunzel raised her hands in frustration while Merida flashed a cheesy smirk.
After shooing out her husband, Rapunzel began to make Merida get to work on making 'vishy swa.' Before they began, the princesses had to put on a hairnet as both of them had hair way too long for their own good. Even though the rulers of Corona were happy to have their daughter, they were not so happy when they kept finding her blonde hair in their food whenever she made a meal.
Both girls thought that Merida would at least know complex cooking instructions like how to boil water, but Rapunzel learned that as far as the kitchen goes, Merida was like a lost little lamb.
"It's not that hard, dear," Rapunzel said, exasperated. "Just simply light the wood under the pot."
"Okay," Merida impatiently said while putting down an eggbeater she was holding as if it were a foreign weapon. "It's just starting a fire. It can't be THAT dangerous."
Merida took a match and lit it as she approached the pot. She reached out towards the chopped wood with the enflamed match in her hand towards the chopped wood.
20 seconds later…
KABOOLIE!
"THE ENTIRE COUNTRY IS ON FIRE!" a guard yelled in utter despair.
Houses burned, land burned, people burned as the few unharmed people look at where the beautiful castle use to be. Now in its place, lay a molten crater where a fiery tornado formed and began to shoot out soot and sulfur which would cause suffocation and soon turn the kingdom into the next Pompeii.
"WHERE'S THE ROYAL FAMILY?!" a citizen hollered.
"DISINGRATED!"
"Rapunzel…"
"BY THE PRINCESS OF DUNBROCH, NO LESS!" another guard yelled.
"Rapunzel?"
"DEATH TO THAT SCOTISH KINGDOM! LET THOSE SAVAGES BURN IN HELL FOR WHAT THEY DONE!"
"RAPUNZEL!"
Rapunzel snapped out of her daymare to find that nothing had been razed… yet.
"Well, now what?" Merida wondered.
"Oh umm… well… uh"
After a few seconds, Rapunzel regained her nerves and began teaching by giving explanations.
"Okay, Merida, first shave the potatoes to remove their peels," she ordered. "When that's done, cut the onions equally into slices."
"And just how am I supposed to peel a potato?" Merida asked holding a peeler as if it was going to come to life any minute. "Am I to use my father's razor?"
Rapunzel quietly sighed but it didn't go unnoticed by the tomboy. "Was that a sigh of pity?"
"Merida there's nothing to get from that sigh," Rapunzel lied.
"Well help me with this so I can get my mom to stop nagging me."
"Then I suggest you pay attention and…"
Rapunzel stopped talking when she noticed that the pot was starting to catch on fire.
She screamed, "Merida the broth is starting to boil and the pot is becoming charred!"
"What?" Merida yelped! "Help me, what do I do?"
Rapunzel was too shocked to give an explanation as she was imagining her kingdom blowing up again. Only this time, fire monsters who liked cold hugs started hugging the population, burning them to death. So with no clue what to do, Merida took action herself. She removed Rapunzel's hairnet, whose owner was still lost in thought, and then used her long hair to wrap around the pot.
"Maybe if we use your hair, we can fix this!" Merida explained.
That snapped the Princess of Corona out of her dream. "WHAT?!"
But it was too late. Merida finished the wrapping, "There. Now sing that healing song, Rapunzel! Sing it!"
But as soon as a strand of Rapunzel's hair touched the fire, it spread to the hair wrapped around the pot. Merida can do nothing but look at her friend sheepishly and say…
"Ummm…. Your hair's on fire."
Rapunzel rightfully screamed as she grabbed a broom and tried to put the fire out. Of course, they were in a kitchen where plenty of water could be found, but who can think logically when they were on fire?
And Rapunzel wasn't the only one thinking illogically when the archer guiltily said, "So…. are the cooking lessons off then?"
"REALLY? YOU'RE ASKING THIS NOW?" Rapunzel yelled as she tried to fan out the flames eating away at her hair.
Eventually, the princesses' brains managed to work again and they used water to put the fire out. Alas, Rapunzel's hair was ruined. It lost its beautiful, golden color and Rapunzel turned back into a brunette much like the time she was reunited with her biologically family. Only this time, the ends of her hair were charred black and it was even a miracle that she wasn't bald.
Merida understood if Rapunzel was never going to speak to her, let alone even help her, again. But Rapunzel continued to help simply because she was 'nice like that.' Although every time Merida made a cooking mistake, Rapunzel's phrase was said through more gritted teeth every passing day.
A week later, even with Rapunzel saying that she needed more practice, Merida thought she was ready to try out her cooking on lab subjects…. err people. Rapunzel invited everyone over for a dinner party. Everyone was able to come except Elsa, Anna, and Jack. The former two could not come because of boring board meetings that Anna kept falling asleep in and the latter was unable to attend because he was currently exploring in America. Besides, Jack said that food literally passes right through him anyway. That left Eugene, Hiccup, and Astrid to attend Merida's first party where she made the food. Of course, Rapunzel was still miffed about the fire.
"Again," Merida began wanting assurance. "We're still friends right?"
"Yes we're still friends," Rapunzel smiled that weird smile. "And friends don't let something like setting your hair on fire come between them."
"Good cause cooking just isn't for me," Merida said as Rapunzel's eye twitched at the very late epiphany. "How on earth can I make cooking easier?"
"How about practice practice practice?" Astrid shrugged.
"Besides," Eugene started to point out. "You might actually enjoy cooking."
"Not really. It takes too long" answered the Scottish princess. "Food is supposed to give you energy right? Then just eat bread or an apple or something."
"Well this is a party so we expect more filling food," Hiccup explained. "Besides, you want us to eat raw ingredients?"
"You should have seen when Merida tried to make a sandwich," Rapunzel snickered. "Who makes a sandwich using an egg and only one slice of bread?"
Damn, I really messed her up, Merida thought. "Rapunzel, I apologized 50 times already and I promise I'll pay for your next hair appointments."
Astrid was too busy dissecting Rapunzel's comment, "A raw egg? Ooookay."
Merida just groaned and went into the kitchen. When she came back, she was carrying a tray with five bowls on it. The bowls contained luscious looking chocolate pudding that was coated with peanuts. Her friends were impressed as the pudding actually looked good, let alone edible. Rapunzel wondered why Merida would skip to dessert, but put that thought behind her as she longed to taste the chocolate pudding.
"Seriously, you want to give up cooking?" Hiccup asked. "This looks incredible."
"I'll say," Astrid agreed.
"You really outdone yourself, Red," Eugene compliment.
Even Rapunzel smiled her first sincere smile in a long time and Merida blushed at the praises.
Maybe cooking isn't so bad after all. I think I've found my niche.
"Well, bottoms up!" Eugene said as he ate a spoonful of pudding.
And then he passed out in four seconds and his face landed in the pudding. Rapunzel shrieked as Merida looked at Eugene's unconscious body in confusion. Astrid was too busy eating to notice the commotion because as soon as she ate a lump of her pudding, she broke out into hives.
"ACK!" Astrid said and she started to scratch herself furiously. "Why am I so damn itchy now?"
Astrid ran out of the dining room to look for Stormfly and use her spikes to relieve the bothersome scratching.
Hiccup looked at the passed out Eugene and then saw skin inflamed Astrid run out of the room. "Yep I guess this is Merida's cooking. I wonder what's my symptom are gonna be."
He waited. And waited. Then he noticed that nothing bad was happening to him at all. Maybe it wasn't the cooking. Maybe he was somehow blessed to have a decent immune system that protected him from his organs liquefying from the inside. Maybe his luck was starting to turn around….
Oh just kidding, Merida's pudding gave him diarrhea. "Excuse me. I have a meeting with a toilet"
Hiccup sprinted out the door which, possibly faster than Toothless' maximum flight speed. The two girls who hadn't even touch the pudding yet just looked around at the aftermath of the insanity, both stunned in silence as Eugene's body slid off the chair and face first onto the floor. Rapunzel was the first to break the silence.
"Merida, what the fudge happened? What was in that pudding?"
"Pudding? What pudding?" Merida asked with sincere uncertainty. "What I made was spaghetti."
"Spaghetti?" Rapunzel wondered. Then she picked up the bowl of pudding. "Then who made the pudding?"
"I did because that's not pudding. That's spaghetti."
Rapunzel's eye twitched again and it was so twitching so fast, her eye was becoming red. Then she finally let out a long sigh.
"There's that sigh again," Merida noticed.
"Maybe you should stick to something that won't risk the chance of bringing back the plague," Rapunzel suggested.
"Wait, does this mean that cooking lessons are off…"
"YES THE FUDGING COOKING LESSONS ARE FUDGING OFF!" Rapunzel bellowed.
Merida took this as a sign to leave… quickly.
Well, at least I have six other people to ask to find a job or calling for. Well three, if something bad happens to the Vikings or Eugene.
Merida exited the room… and then came back in.
"Wait, you never taught me how to set up decorations or plan a seating arrangement or…"
Merida stopped talking and ran out the room to avoid Rapunzel throwing a bowlful of 'spaghetti' at her.