Chapter 10
It became popular knowledge over the next few days that James Potter and Lily Evans were a couple. Sirius wasn't sure what to think or do; He couldn't talk to James, because he knew that it was unlikely that his friend would forgive him for what Remus had done. And for much the same reason, he also found himself avoiding Remus. He still didn't know what exactly the werewolf was hiding from him, but he was sure that whatever it was, it couldn't be worth the cold shoulder James was giving them. But he was definitely feeling the stress, and knew that he couldn't hold out much longer.
Sirius began to have nightmares. He spent more and more time sitting alone in a corner of the common room, head in his hands, trying to figure it out. When the common room got too noisy, he would slip out and head for one secret passage or another, where he could be alone. He took to pacing the grounds as a dog, just to get away from it all. Once or twice, he even ventured down into Hogsmeade, and wandered the streets, feeling lonely and hopeless.
Through years of having to deal with his family, with being ridiculed and considered an outcast, it had meant so much to Sirius to finally be accepted by a group of people. Sure, the Marauders hadn't always been a group; it had taken them almost their entire first year to become firm friends. But once they had, it had become Sirius's one escape. It had meant everything in those long, torturous summers to be able to go over to the Potter's house and joke around with his best friend. But now that that was gone, possibly forever, Sirius didn't know where to turn.
One night, he woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. He struggled to remember his dream, but it slipped away from him. He suddenly realized that he couldn't stay here; he had an intense urge, a need, to get out in the fresh air. He slid out of bed and moved silently over to the door, crept down the stairs and out of the portrait hole, and began moving down the hall stealthily As an afterthought, he changed into the great black dog. This made it easier to hide in the shadows whenever someone walked by.
When he reached the tower, he padded out onto the observation deck and changed back into his human form. He stared up at the moon and sighed. It would be full in one week. Normally, the Marauders would be getting ready to prowl the grounds around this time, excitedly discussing where they would go, what they would do, and if they could explore any other area more fully for the map. But now, with things as they were… Sirius shook his head, feeling his eyes welling up with tears. This was ridiculous; He had survived without the Marauders around him for years before entering Hogwarts; why should he suddenly become so dependant on them now?
"Padfoot?" Sirius jumped at the quiet voice behind him. He quickly swiped at his eyes as Remus walked to stand next to him.
"What do you want?" He said gruffly. Remus shrank slightly, but spoke up quietly anyway.
"I… I heard you sneak out of the dormitory. I was just worried about you." Sirius snorted.
"I bet that's not the only reason. If you have something to say, just say it." Remus took a deep breath and spoke all in a rush.
"It's just that I feel like you've been avoiding me lately and I didn't want you to be mad at me, and with James and Lily and all, and the last thing I wanted was for you to be unhappy, and I just thought…" He trailed off, whether because he was out of breath or because he was out of things to say, Sirius couldn't tell.
"You thought…?" He prompted, curious despite himself.
"I thought you might like to know why it happened this way," Remus said quietly. He looked down toward the grounds to avoid meeting Sirius's eyes. There was a bit of silence, and then Sirius spoke.
"It would have
helped if you had thought that earlier," he said dryly. Remus
flinched.
"I know," he said.
"Well, then, get talking," Sirius said. "I'm not stopping you. But I think at this point you realize that it had better be pretty darn good." Remus gulped, and then began, sounding nervous now.
"I- well- you remember the last full moon?" Sirius merely nodded, so Remus took a deep breath and continued. "See, that was kind of where it started. And I- soon after that, I… I…. I realized that I liked someone." Sirius blinked. This was not at all what he had expected to hear. Somewhere in the back of his brain, he started to put the pieces together, but there were still pieces of the puzzle missing that he couldn't understand.
"Why would that make Prongs angry?" He asked. "Unless it was Lily, that wouldn't…" He trailed off. Remus was shaking his head, refusing to meet Sirius's eyes. Sirius frowned. A suspicion began in the back of his head, but he pushed it away impatiently. Remus didn't move. He seemed to be struggling with something inside of himself.
"Moony, wha-" Sirius began, but he was cut off as his friend pushed him against the wall and pressed his lips against his. Sirius struggled, trying to break free, but Remus had an iron grip on him. They stood there for either a minute or an eternity; Sirius couldn't tell. At last, Remus let him go, and they both stood there, panting, staring at each other. Remus gave his friend a pleading look, but Sirius's brain seemed to have stopped. Nothing was registering properly. He stared at Remus as thoughts slowly began to maneuver through his frozen senses.
I was just snogged by one of my best friends. Moony. Moony just snogged me. And I snogged him back. Why is this happening? Why is this happening to me, my life is complicated enough already!
"Padfoot?" Remus whispered, trying to read the other boy's expression. But Sirius only gave him a look filled with an unspeakable pain before he turned and fled from the top of the tower, never once stopping to look back.