Ch. 10 – Grounding

"As difficult as it is to endure, depression has elements that can be helpful in grief. It slows us down and allows us to take real stock of the loss. It makes us rebuild ourselves from the ground up. It clears the deck for growth. It takes us to a deeper place in our soul that we would not normally explore."

― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

April was finally home. Matthew had sent her a message, but she only received it after she had arrived to the airport. He told her that he might lose his flight because his car had broken and something about Maggie that she didn't quite understand. But at less she knew Matthew and Ruby were fine. He had also tell her that in case he lost his flight, he would let her know when he will be there. But until now, she had no news on when he was going to be in Columbus.

Everyone was waiting for her at the house, her dad, her sisters, her brothers in law, and her nephews who had grown so much in the time April hadn't seen them. Kimmie was especially happy to have April there.

"While you're here, I can forget about being the black sheep," Kimmie told April while giving her a hug. Somehow, she had passed from being the ugly duckling to being the black sheep of the family.

Kimmie was referring to the fact that now she was also a divorcee. April understood exactly how she felt. It wasn't easy for her divorcing Jackson. Not only she had to deal with her broken heart but she also felt like she had failed in some way and, even if it were silly, it also made her worry about what her family would think. As if one way or another, she wasn't good enough. Judging herself and making assumptions about what others could think could ruin anyone's life.

Even though she knew she wasn't on her best place, she felt the need to be there for her sister, whatever she could do to help her feel better about herself. She was being a hypocrite. How could she expect to help others when it was so difficult for her to accept any help? She still had many things to learn, and maybe this was her opportunity.

Harriet was being love-bombed by all my family. Everyone was crazy about her ladybug. As soon as she had the chance, she sneaked away and found a bed to rest and she fall asleep leaving all her problems behind.

Hours later, Karen came to call her for breakfast. But sleeping was a way of hiding from reality, so April told her she was tired and went back to sleep.

Later Kimmie went to wake her up. She wasn't as nice as her mom. Neither was she giving up as easily.

"Are you going to stay here until Harriet forgets how her mother looks? Is that your plan?" Kimmie said while throwing pillows at her.

"Leave me alone!" April said while covering herself with the blankets.

"I'm planning on doing that, just not here. Dad and mom are worried about you. So we're going out. Get ready. You can sleep under a tree. I'll take care of Harriet. I'll be waiting for you downstairs. You have five minutes or I'll will come and get you."

Five minutes and April was downstairs. She said goodbye to her parents, she took Harriet in her hands and followed her sister.

Kimmie kept her word and didn't bother April at all. They chose a shady place to put a blanket where April lied down, staring at the sky, the tree branches and leaves. She didn't remember the last time she did that. The image of how the night sky looked here came to her mind, making her smile. This time, even if she was resting, she didn't fall asleep. Sometimes she would look to the left to check on what Kimmie was doing with Harriet. Kimmie was great with kids. She had always been good with them, but she was different now. She seemed so much happier. April didn't know if it was because comparing to her, anyone seemed happier or maybe she was right and her sister had changed for the best.

April heard Kimmie and Harriet approaching. When she checked, they were coming with a basket. Kimmie had turned this into a picnic. Without saying anything to April, Kimmie started eating what she had brought.

"Is that salami and cheese?" April asked.

"Yes. And homemade bread," Kimmie replied.

"When was the last time I told you I loved you?" April asked while sitting against the tree. She took her shoes off, to feel the grass under her feet.

"Is that your meds talking?" Kimmie asked while handing April some food.

"Very funny" April said while hitting her sister with the elbow

She took the food anyways.

"I didn't knew I was this hungry!" April said.

"She's just like you" Kimmie said while looking at April and Harriet.

"She looks like her father."

"She looks like you when she's eating bread. She has your same happy face."

And that made April smile.

"It's nice to see the smile back on your face. I don't like to see my sister sad," Kimmie told her.

"It's nice to be back home. I don't like to see my sisters sad either. I don't know if it's my meds or what, but divorce looks good on you. Is it just me? Or someone else had told you that?"

"It's not your meds. After the divorce, even the kids had told me they were happy to see me happy. They really knew how miserable I was even if I tried my best to hide it and to bear with it. It was difficult for me, but somehow knowing you had gone through it; make me believe I could also do it. I know it wasn't the same, because you didn't want to divorce. And the funny thing is that should have make me thought that your experience was worse, but yet everyone knew you did your best to protect your marriage, while I, on the other hand, was the one that wanted it to end. I was the one that had enough, the one who wanted to give up, the one that bailed. And I thought that meant I wasn't good enough. I would be the one that failed. So, before taking the decision, I mean when the decision was already made in my mind but I wasn't doing anything about it, it was the worst time for me. I was feeling like shit. But once it was done, once I was truthful to myself, I actually felt at peace. It was the most liberating and empowering thing ever, I had chose myself. I had put myself first. I had said enough to what was hurting me. All the fear I used to had, that used to feel so real, became something meaningless. It's not that I believe no one had actually judged me for divorcing."

"I never did," April interrupted.

"I know. You never had it easy, maybe that's why it's natural for you to make it easy for the rest of us. Every hardship, every mistake, every crisis, had made you a better person. You're going to come out of this stronger, you know?" Kimmie asked.

"I know. Jackson kinda told me the same thing. That could also describe you. When did my little sister grow so much?"

"How could I be the same with everything I had to learn? I'm still learning, just like you. This experience will change you once again."

"I hope so. Somehow, I know it wasn't accidental. I took the fast path to my breaking point. I quitted my job, which used to be the way I escaped from my problems," April said.

"Your job was your whole world. We were really worried when we heard that you quitted. It was everything you wanna be. A willingly jobless April Kepner, it didn't sound at all like my sister. Talking about you doing nothing, I know I said I'll leave you alone, but what do you think about returning to high school?"

April started coughing as she was choking on food. Kimmie handed her some water.

"Are you kidding? You know exactly how I feel about high school."

"You seem to be forgetting something, high school might be exactly the same, but the high school student version of you, it's no longer who you are. You have let her behind long ago. We could thank her for who you're right now, the best mom, the soldier, the badass trauma surgeon, but that's all. Anyways, I definitely believe my students could benefit from hearing anything you could share with them."

"Do I have a word on this?"

"No, you don't. In my defense, I want to say that when mom suggested this, I was all against making you work while you were here until recently, when I realized that you were only planning to sleep."

"Funny. That wasn't my plan at all. You know when I first saw you and you told me about being the black sheep, I felt like I wanted to help you. My plan was to help you, go ahead and laugh. I don't know exactly how I was going to do it from my bed… Maybe I can help you help me. So when I'm supposed to go?"

"You're going on Monday to talk to my class about being a trauma surgeon and then we'll arrange for you to come another day to give us a First Aid & CPR training. What do you think?"

"It's sounds like a plan. I can't believe I actually thought you would leave me alone," April said smiling.

Kimmie laughted.

"You were always kind of naïve. I love that about you. If you still want to be alone, leave Harriet to us and go for a ride. When was the last time you did it? I know I'm not a doctor, but I'm prescribing you equine therapy."

April left the comfort of the tree and finally she stood up on her feet.

"You're the best doctor I could ask for," April told her sister while giving her a hug.

"I love you too" Kimmie replied while she was hugging her back.