Thank you for the reviews and private messages. So happy you're enjoying this story. This is the final pre written chapter, you've now caught up. Next chapter will be brand spanking new...
Four Months later.
I was never one for clubbing, I simply never went. The thought of loud music, music without lyrics – put me off. I couldn't imagine spending an evening dancing, having to shout out a conversation or even surrounded by people. I didn't like people, I didn't like having my oxygen polluted by smoke or the smell of alcohol.
A lot can change, people change - I changed. I downed another shot of tequila, ignoring the salt and lemon. I surveyed the bar area, spotting her – She was here, of course she was. It was Wednesday night, this was her club of choice on a Wednesday evening.
She was beautiful, magnetic. She always attracted a crowd of admirers, tonight it would be my turn. Our eyes met, they always did. I smiled in acknowledgement, she raised her glass at me. We did this each Wednesday, only tonight would be different. Before she looked away I gestured towards the dance floor and raised an eyebrow. Tonight I wanted to dance.
Her grin grew wider, her blue eyes sparkled. She lifted her drink off the bar, excused herself from her friends and came over.
"You like your tequila." She took note of my drink of choice, I smiled.
"Join me for one?" She nodded and finished the remainder of the drink she had with her. I signalled for the barman and ordered four tequila's.
"You're brave." Her words were so true, I survived death - tequila was nothing. I pushed two glasses towards her. She followed my lead, ignoring the salt and lemon just as I did. The burning sensation going down my throat felt good, too good.
The music got louder, faster. I glanced up at the DJ, he was playing one of my favorite songs, a sure sign that it was time to play.
I took her hand in mine, leading her onto the dance floor. Our bodies came together, moving in sync with the music. She smelt good, so good, so familiar. I closed my eyes, this wasn't the time for that – those thoughts, those memories they needed to stay at bay, even if it was just for the night.
Her lips were on my neck, her hands on my butt pulling me against her, my leg slipped between hers. I didn't care that we were in full view of everyone around us and by the looks of things neither did she. My lips found hers, those thoughts were coming back - thoughts of another time with a different girl, a girl I tried so hard to forget.
I could never forget her though, it was impossible to forget when everything around me reminded me of her. It didn't matter where I was or what I was doing, I'd always find little things to remind me of her. She was the ghost that constantly haunted me. I needed to let go, I really did because she didn't deserve any of my thoughts, she hurt me and now I wanted to hurt her.
This was the only way I knew how, I deepened the kiss, my hands moving under the material of her top, for a few seconds I pretended She was Spencer, it almost worked. Almost.
"Let's get out of here," my pants were undone, her hand so close, she was fast. I had her hand in mine, I was faster. I didn't want to be touched, not like that.
"Not yet." It was too soon, the song wasn't over yet. I glanced back up at the DJ, he was watching us, blushing - obviously surprised by the show we were putting on.
"I've wanted to fuck you since the moment I first saw you." Such flattery, the old me would've blushed, the new me simply smirked while moving in for another kiss.
The music was pumping, the dance floor was full. My body temperature was rising, I couldn't tell if it was from her or being surrounded by so many people or from what was still to come.
The song ended, it would all be over soon.
A new song started, it would play for exactly 4:30 seconds. I knew this for a fact, I kept my lips on hers, sucking on her, tasting her. I so badly wanted to live in the moment, I longed to feel something. I never did.
I lifted her one leg up, pulling her closer to me, my knee was exactly where I wanted it to be, where she longed to feel me. I started rubbing gently, only increasing my pace when the beat of the music picked up. She was biting at my neck, it would leave marks, souvenirs.
I was still not feeling anything, I was an actress, this was my stage and things were about to get interesting.
2 minutes, I wanted to bring her over the edge, my fingers found their way under her skirt, her skin was so soft, smooth. I blinked back more memories, I had my hand under her panties, going in immediately. With each grunt she gave I'd push my fingers in deeper, we had a steady rhythm going, her fingers were digging into my skin.
"Go harder, fuck me harder." Her eyes were closed, she was close…so close. I had my eyes open, watching her. I had no need to close them.
I could send the DJ's eyes on me, he was watching us. It brought out the voyeur in me, it brought out the bitch in me because I knew every kiss, every touch was hurting him. I didn't care though, a part of me got a thrill out of his hurt. He wanted me, I knew he did, only, he'd never have me. Nobody would, never again.
Our eyes made contact, he blinked. I looked away.
My hand was wet, drenched – only it wasn't from me fucking the girl.
Blood, thick red blood.
I watched as her eyes went wide, from shock or surprise I didn't know, I didn't really care. I wondered what she'd done that was so bad? Why someone would want her dead? Did she fuck over a lover? Such a familiar story.
I took a step back, wiping my hand against my pants, she was clutching the knife – I hoped for her sake that she wouldn't try and remove it. I glanced around nobody knew what was going on - everyone was too caught up in the music, the rhythm... their own fucked up lives.
The song came to an abrupt end, a new DJ quickly took over. I watched as the previous one – Aiden, left the booth.
One minute to go, no time to think. Only act, always act.
I turned away, making my way to the exit. I would not allow myself to feel remorse, I would not allow myself to feel anything. Feelings were a waste of time.
Tonight the car was there, parked. The Agency would not abandon me, never again. I climbed into the passenger side, my head falling back against the head rest. The past few minutes had been intense, but I couldn't help but feel disappointed by the lack of adrenalin, there was no rush, there was nothing. My mind was blank, almost blank.
Aiden climbed in seconds later. He was slow but I'd never say anything about it, I was too blame.
"That was quite a show in there." He started the car and we went racing off.
"I guess so," I put my feet up against the dashboard, I needed another cigarette.
"You're not happy to be back?"
I rolled my eyes,
"What do you think?" I was back, killing again. This was my first hit in four months, I didn't want to be a cold blooded killer - on the run, I had this idea of a fantasy life with Spencer, a life where happiness ruled over murder but two bullets killed that fantasy.
Spencer – a name I didn't want to say, I had to focus on my breathing, I had to will myself to be okay. Every second of every day was spent forcing myself to be okay, to not fall apart.
Aiden sighed,
"What? It's true Aiden. You and I both know I'm only back because I know too much. You saw for yourself, they only pulled me out of the hospital when the cops came asking questions. I'm back because I pose a threat to the Agency, simple as that."
"You're good at what you do, Ash. I'd wish you would cut yourself some slack."
I could feel the bile rising up my throat, a talent for killing. A talent I never asked for.
We were getting closer to my apartment, I didn't want to be here, I wanted to be alone - I wanted to be dead.
"Stop, let me out here." I needed to escape, my head felt as if it was going to explode.
"Agent, it's not safe yet." I shot Aiden a look.
"Sorry Ash, Just let me drop you off at your apartment. I'll feel better knowing that you're safe." He cared about me, even if I almost cost him his life – he walked with a limp now, and a deep scar ran across his face - A constant reminder that I was his weakness and that Sp…She was mine.
"Safe? God Aiden, don't make me laugh!" The car came to an abrupt halt, Aiden said nothing as I climbed out but I could see the hurt look on his face. I had the urge to say something, to reassure him that I was okay but I just couldn't, I was too broken, he wouldn't be able to piece me back together, no-one could.
"Let me know when you're ready to talk." I nodded, I would never be ready. I would never show my true feelings, it was easier to pretend to be okay, it was easier not to show any emotion.
The moment I was in the comfort of my apartment I undressed, leaving my clothes scattered around. I needed a shower, I needed to wash my sins away. I also needed to clean my apartment, gone were the days of caring about the state of my place. I looked around – it was a mess, there were empty dishes in the sink and empty take out containers scattered everywhere – food I only ordered because it reminded me of her.
I had no excuse fora messy apartment, I just wasn't in the mood to clean. I had no energy for anything, I stopped caring, I stopped living. The only thing I ever did was feel sorry for myself. I was one big pity party all on my own.
I stopped in front of my mirror, I leaned in closer to examine myself. My eyes were hollow, ghost like. I felt a shiver run through my spine, my fingers immediately found their way to the bullet wounds, two of them. One on my stomach and the other just above my heart. I would always wonder if she missed my heart intentionally or if she was just a bad shot? Too bad the question would always remain unanswered because she was gone, Spencer would never return. .
I drew in a deep breath, so many nights spent alone in hospital room thinking about her, longing for her to make an appearance but nothing. Doctors kept telling me how close I'd come to dying, how lucky I was to be dumped at the entrance of the hospital. Dumped, such an appropriate word because really that's what it all came down to. I was dumped, abandoned. If she cared at all she'd have been there, hell if she cared at all she would never have fired those shots.
I had nurses telling me what a miracle it was to be alive, even a priest came to visit me, telling me that God had a plan for me, he wanted me alive for a reason. If only he knew the truth, I didn't deserve his God, I didn't deserve to be saved. God believed in me, he'd repeat those words over and over again, he would pray for me and in return I would let out a bitter laugh because how could God believe in me when I didn't even believe in myself?
I stepped away from the mirror, I couldn't look any longer. I couldn't take it anymore, I was fighting back tears I mocked myself for shedding. I was a disgrace, I really was.
My skin was still on fire from earlier, almost touched by someone new. I was overcome with guilt, I could smell the new girls scent on my fingers. I couldn't help these guilt feelings. More thoughts of Spencer came rushing to my mind, faster and faster. The more I tried to forget, the more I'd remember.
Tonight I missed her, I couldn't help but wonder if she ever missed me? If she thought about me at all? At night I would lay awake in bed, avoiding the nightmares thinking about Spencer, wondering if she was awake too or if she slept peacefully? Sometimes I would allow myself to wonder if she even bothered to find out if I lived or died, and if she did - was she disappointed that my heart was still beating? When it came to Spencer there were just too many questions, too much to think about.
Love, at the end of the day it all boiled down to love. I could feel the taste of bitterness seeping into my skin leaving a numb taste in my mouth. Love, I once thought I was in love, but I had to be wrong, this wasn't love, not at all, this was torture, continuous torture day after day and it kept getting worse.
I climbed into the shower putting the cold water on, letting my skin turn pale and blue. I didn't need hot water, I didn't need to feel pain, instead I wanted to stop feeling all together, I longed to feel numb. I so badly wanted to erase the memory of Spencer Carlin, to forget she ever existed. I swore out loud, allowing my head to hit the cold tiles infront of me. The water disguised my tears, tears I didn't want to see myself cry. This was a nightly ritual. A pattern that desperately needed changing. I bit my lip hard, the taste of blood instantly filling my mouth - anything to take away the taste of Spencer that still lingered on my skin so many months later.
I knew that I was pathetic, that I needed to move on and start living again but at the moment that was impossible because one damn sentence kept playing over and over again in my head -
'Where the hell is Spencer Carlin?'