Akash, Boundless and Crushing

Baljeet gazed at the horizon, enjoying the view of the rising sun he got from the roof of his house. Resting at the side of his mouth was a cigarette, the end gently glowing red. In his pocket was a pack only three short of full and he had several more in his room. He had woken up at four thirty and had been unable to fall back asleep. Now, he was just resting and, as usual, thinking. He was still struggling to accept the need for him to stay out of the way between Adyson and Cameron, but he was making progress. That was a few days ago. It was currently Friday and he was going to help Adyson study tonight. He was currently debating whether or not he should push her towards Cameron or if he should just keep his nose out of it.

He knew the time he had to be ready by was fast approaching, so he reluctantly pulled himself to his feet. He walked farther down to where his window opened onto the roof when he gazed down. He saw the cement of the sidewalk that led up to his house. For a moment, he considered diving. Off of this roof and off of this life. You're too scared, he thought to himself, just like last time. He ignored the feelings and returned to his room to gather the necessary supplies.

Once he had everything, he left his room again, this time through the door. He made his way to the kitchen, hoping he wasn't so late that he couldn't enjoy his cereal. There, he saw his father going over the morning paper and his little brother, Akash, eating his breakfast.

"Moring Baljee," Akash greeted, his voice cheerful and energetic.

"Good morning Akash," Baljeet replied, making sure to speak in Hindi while his father was around. Akash hardly ever spoke in their native language, and when he did, he proved how much he still had much to learn.

"I told you no smoking in the house," his father said without looking up from his paper.

"On top of isn't in," Baljeet replied as he grabbed the necessary utensils for his meal. An uneasy silence settled over the room as the men of the Rai family prepared for the coming day. When Baljeet was finished, he dumped his dishes in the sink and headed for his car. Akash waved goodbye to him while his father didn't even look up at him.

Baljeet didn't waste time getting to school, going as fast as he knew he could without getting pulled over. He wished he could pass the school and just keep driving until he hit water, but he let that fantasy go as he pulled into the school's parking lot. Again, he was earlier than most students, but anything beat being in the same house as both his brother and his father. He knew that people wouldn't start arriving for another ten minutes, so he was all the more surprised to see Adyson standing outside his locker.

"Mornin'," she called to him. "What, did you see a ghost?"

"Possibly," he answered. "So, what dragged you here so early? Did Cameron call you over?" he asked jokingly. Adyson shook her head quickly, making it difficult to see her face go red with embarrassment.

"Nothing like that," she told him, expertly suppressing her redness. "Actually, I came to see you."

"Can't say I expected that," Baljeet said. He quickly reminded himself to try to push her towards Cameron. "So, what did you need?"

"Well, I was wondering if we could study at your house today," she explained, taking on her cutesy voice and posture she always assumed when she was asking something she thought he wouldn't want to do.

"Sure, but why?" he answered, causing her to instantly drop her pose.

"My mom needs the house tonight," she lied, though Baljeet was unaware that it was such.

"Alright. You'll meet me at my car after school?"

"Don't I always," she replied with a smile. With that dealt with, Baljeet continued to talk to her until they both completely lost time and ended up dashing to their first class, barely making it in time for the bell.

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"Welcome," he told her as they entered the Rai household. Adyson was surprised to see that the house did, in fact, look like a completely normal house. She wasn't sure what she had expected, but the only difference was that everything had a foreign feel to it. What really caught her eye was a picture of a small Baljeet flanked by his parents with the Taj Mahal in the background. "Come on, we're going to my room," he said, breaking her out of her visual investigation of the room and up the stairs. They went down the hall and into his room.

"Nice room," she commented. It had a desk with several papers on it and a simple rolling desk chair. There were three bookshelves crammed with various reading material in no apparent order across one wall. Lastly, there was a bed against the wall underneath a window that led out onto the roof. It was spacious enough, but it felt so cold and empty. It took Adyson a few moments before she realized why: there were no decorations in the room.

"Not really," he replied. "Shall we get started?" he asked, his voice colder than she had ever heard him speak before.

"Okay," she answered as he moved the papers on his desk aside and let her place her books there. The session that followed was different to say the least. The easy and relaxed yet Spartan nature that usually surrounded them when they study was replaced with Baljeet having a much shorter temper and being completely humorless the whole time. The studious him from when they were kids didn't compare at all to this new form.

"Baljee," someone interrupted as they knocked on the door. Adyson took relief in the break as the door opened and a smaller Indian boy lacking an accent came into the room. He resembled Baljeet when he was younger, but his clothes were much more relaxed, being simply a long-sleeved shirt and jeans. He looked like he was happy by default, but seemed almost ecstatic at the moment.

"Hey Akash," Baljeet greeted, a small smile that seemed too fake for anyone to believe. "Do you need something?"

"I was just seeing what you were doing before I go study," he explained. "Is this the girl that you've been helping all the time?"

"Yeah," he answered. "Adyson, this is my little brother, Akash. Akash, this is Adyson Sweetwater," he introduced.

"Nice to meet you," Adyson said to the boy.

"Me too," he said. "You're really lucky Baljee' is teaching you."

"I know it. I'd be failing without him," she told the boy. She didn't know this made Baljeet blush. "Does he help you too?"

"Sometimes, but he makes sure I know how to do everything by myself," he replied. "Oh, I need to go study. Glad I got to finally see you," he said before running off to his.

"Same here," she called after him as she got up to close the door. When she turned around, she saw Baljeet leaning out the window.

"Baljeet, are you okay?" she asked. He didn't move or say anything in response. "Baljeet?"

"No, I'm not," he finally answered.

"What's wrong?" she asked, walking over to bed and joining him on the bed. Again, he maintained his silence before pulling himself back inside and leaning against the wall. He closed the window and stared at the door. He reached for his pocket, but stopped himself with a glance at Adyson. "Baljeet, you can tell me," she comforted him as she rested a hand on his shoulder. After another silence that was much longer than it needed to be, he spoke.

"I hate him," he finally said. Adyson watched him as she waited for an elaboration he felt was unnecessary. "I hate my brother."

"Why? He seems so nice," she asked.

"He's in sixth grade. What do you think he's studying?" he asked, continuing his depressed tone.

"I don't know. Math or science," she guessed, now growing confused.

"Math. More specifically, calculus," Baljeet elaborated. It took her a second to understand exactly what he was implying, but then it all made sense. That kid was already at Baljeet's level.

"Is that what's bothering you?" she asked, almost in disbelief. Baljeet had always been the rational one. How could this be depressing him?

"Did you not hear me? He's in sixth grade and already he's already studying math at the same level as me. How do you expect me to take it?" he retorted his face growing angry at what he perceived as ignorance on her part.

"Shouldn't you be proud of your brother for being so talented?" she replied, her face becoming like his but for different reasons. "You should be happy for him."

"He stole everything from me," he answered her.

"Now we both know that's total bullshit."

"Really? I was the best, even though being the best made my life harder. At least I could take comfort in my abilities. Now, look at Akash. He's smarter than me, has countless friends, and my father only cares about him. All that work I did can't compare to what he can do almost effortlessly," he told her, his voice rising like his fury as all the anger and jealousy he felt towards his brother swell up to be directed at this uninvolved girl.

"At least you were the best at something for a while. Me? I held a record in the Fireside Girls that was completely destroyed by Candace. Ever since, I've always dealt with never being the best, just like everyone else has learned to," she said back. Neither of them was yelling, but that made the words all the more brutal.

"At least you never had to lose everything," he spat back. In response, Adyson grabbed his collar and pulled him close to her until they were almost touching.

"You have no goddamn idea what I've lost. At least I'm mature enough not to sulk like a three year-old about it," she hissed. She released him with a push. "And don't ever say you've lost everything. You have Buford, Phineas, Ferb, Milly, Isabella, and Gretchen. And you have me," she said, her anger now fading into sadness. "Are you saying that none of us mean anything? Believe it or not, people care about you. So stop wallowing in self-pity and take a look around you before you lose everything you still have." She left the room after that, still fuming.

She kept herself under control as she went down the stairs, not wanting to disturb the other members of the family. But at the kitchen, she saw Akash standing at the fridge, filling up a water bottle. She hoped she would be able to avoid him, but he not surprisingly, he saw her.

"Hi Addie," he greeted. "Are you leaving already?"

"Yeah. I need to get home," she answered. "Didn't you say you were going to go study?"

"I just needed to get this," he said, signaling to the water bottle in his hands. "Addie, are you dating Baljee'?"

"What?" she exclaimed, shocked someone would expect her to like that mopey bastard. When she realized Akash didn't know that, she tried to recollect herself to answer him properly. "No, I'm not," she answered, doing a good job of controlling herself.

"Oh," he sighed, sounding disappointed. "Well, please try to make him happy. He's been so sad lately," he told her, sounding depressed himself. "Even dad has been ignoring him."

"Don't-" she tried to say, but it was impossible for her to finish that sentence. "You really care about your brother, don't you?"

"Of course," he replied with a smile. "He always helps me whenever I have trouble, even if he has other things to do. He never bullies me like my other friends' brothers do. He also helps all my other friends when they're over. And playing games with him is so fun."

"Wow," she sighed, quiet enough so he couldn't hear her. "I'll try. Now you need to go study."

"Okay. See ya later Addie," he waved goodbye as he ran for the stairs. She left without saying anything back. She couldn't help but wonder about Baljeet the whole walk home.

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He looked up from where he had been laying on his bed to see his brother in the doorway, a sheet of paper in his hands. For a few hours now he had been not completely asleep yet not awake, drifting somewhere in between. "Baljee', can you help me?"

"Sure," he groaned as he pulled himself into sitting position. His brother walked over and plopped down next to him, handing him the sheet and a pencil. "Which one?"

"That one," Akash replied, pointing at several lines at the bottom of the sheet. "I've done it three times but I keep getting it wrong."

"Here's your problem," he started after reading over the entirety of his work. "Here, you have x raised to the three-fifths power. It's supposed to be five-thirds."

"Oh, I mess that rule up. Thanks Baljee', you never miss mistakes" the younger Indian said as he left the room. It wasn't until then that Adyson's words really hit home. He was loved by all of his friends and even the brother he wanted to shun. Instead of looking at them, he looked at the people whose affections he had lost. He felt a passionate hatred inside towards himself for spending so long contemplating suicide. He had started smoking because it felt like an easy way out.

"Damn," he grumbled as he almost began to laugh at his own stupidity. It was then that he noticed her books were still on his desk. He grabbed his phone and was calling her without a second thought. It wasn't until he heard her greet hello that he remembered how angry she was at him.

"Hey," he said. When she didn't respond, he felt his temperature rise. "You left your books here."

"I know," she quipped back. Her voice was devoid of any emotion other than annoyance.

"I'll bring them to you on Monday," he told her.

"I expected you to." Baljeet had no idea how to talk to her when she was like this, so he decided to just jump in the deep end.

"You were right," he said.

"I know."

"I was just looking for a reason to pity myself."

"I know," she replied, still not showing any more emotion. Baljeet sighed inwardly. He wasn't going to get any more out of her tonight. He could only hope she would have forgiven him by Monday.

"Thank you," he finished as he hung up his phone. For the rest of the night, no matter what he did, Adyson remained the center of his thoughts. He didn't even mind his father ignoring him that night. When the time came for him to sleep, he couldn't. He stared at the ceiling in total silence as he thought about how this wasn't the first time this had happened. When did it begin? He asked himself. When did I stop thinking about everything other than Adyson?