I know, I know & I'm sorry! This chapter, even though it's short, was just quite difficult because the story is still going through this transition period and beyond that I was trying to show where Dan's head is at right now. As you guys have probably noticed, this story is called 'On the Outside', and it has that name for a reason. There are lots of references to the outside/inside throughout the whole thing, and that's all for a reason too – but this chapter was just really hard to write without drawing parallels to the way Dan acted in season 6 when he was trying to get 'in' and I really didn't want that. My 'inside', is not the shallow popular, powerful, elite, needing approval of others inside that the GG writers had in mind. It's something else, and I hope I found a way to convey that. On a happy note, the story's going to get more fun now!
….for a while….
Dan could not stop thinking about Blair all through Christmas. He spent the day itself in Hudson with Jenny and his mom and drove them crazy by constantly checking his phone to see if she had called. Jenny eventually confiscated his phone, so Dan had to resort to checking Gossip Girl every ten minutes. But there was no news. When they came home, Rufus and Lily had had some kind of setback that Rufus didn't want to talk about, so it seemed like life had kind of gone back to normal. Jenny gave him his phone back, but banned him from checking Gossip Girl again and, somehow, he adhered. For a few days.
On the day before New Year's Eve, Dan still hadn't heard from Blair and he began to feel like he was losing his mind. So, he decided it would be okay if he were to check Gossip Girl. Just once. Turns out it was the one thing he could have done to make him feel worse. Apparently, she and Chuck were finally taking the trip to Europe that they didn't have in the summer and were with her dad in Paris for New Year's.
Dan had never been gutted, but he assumed that this must be what it felt like. That's what it felt like to him, like someone had torn him open, ripped out his insides in a brutal frenzy and left him shredded. He had got used to the fact that he had feelings for Blair, but was still shocked by how much this hurt him. Maybe because she was with Chuck of all people. Dan knew that Chuck cared about Blair, maybe even loved her, but Dan had learnt long ago that just because someone loves you doesn't mean they will be good to you. Dan just couldn't picture Chuck and Blair together without her getting hurt. That was what hurt him most of all.
He was lonely to say the least. Jenny tried to cheer him up, but she had a life of her own and spent most of her time with Eric. Nate was with his grandfather for the holidays, Serena was still in Buenos Aires despite the fact that she and Aaron had broken up, Vanessa had shut herself away to edit her new short film and Rufus was wrapped up in his own drama. On New Year's Eve, Jenny and Vanessa tried to get Dan to come out with them, but he told them he didn't feel very well. They didn't believe him and he knew this, but didn't care. He got what he wanted when they left him to wallow in his self-pity.
He tried to ignore the time and distracted himself by reading, hoping the transition between 2008 and 2009 might pass without him noticing. But he couldn't ignore the damn clock ticking away. It felt like the countdown for him specifically, like it was pressuring him to do something, to make this monumental night significant in some way, to pull himself out of this rut. Six minutes to go and he stopped fighting what he had been wanting to do for days. He called Blair.
It rang for too long, he thought for a moment that he had built up all this courage and it would all be for nothing, but then the phone clicked and he heard her weary voice on the other end.
"Hello?" She asked.
"Blair, it's me." He told her, not sure by her tone if she had checked the phone before she answered. Or maybe she had deleted his number.
"Humphrey, do you know what time it is here?" She became alert quickly.
Dan hadn't thought about that.
"I'm sorry." He said. "I just…it's nearly midnight here and….I had to talk to you."
"Why?" She asked, not sounding particularly moved.
"You never called me after I gave you my notebook. I thought that you'd have something to say about it." He replied weakly, fully aware of how pathetic he sounded.
"Oh, that. I haven't it read it yet." She replied coolly, her superior tone back on form.
"Are you serious?" He couldn't believe that after everything he said she didn't even read it.
"Yes. Humphrey, you gave it to me right before my mother's wedding. Then it was Christmas, now I'm in Europe. Did you really think that I would be so desperate to know all the secrets of Dan Humphrey's journal?" She sounded amused, but a slight buzz tainted the sound. Dan thought she must not have very good signal where she was. He realized how much this call must be costing him, but didn't care. He was talking to her now and the time had come for him to tell her the truth.
"Blair, can you just stop pretending, for one moment, that what happened didn't matter? That you and I becoming…friends, and then finding out about the stories….that none of it was important?" Dan urged her.
"It wasn't." She responded too quickly and not very confidently.
"It was important to me. You…you are important to me." Dan said, then pulled the phone away from his ear when an annoying pitch sounded. When it stopped he continued. "I guess that's what I'm calling you for. There's something that has been driving me crazy and I don't even know where to start, but I want to tell you everything. I knew that if you read my notebook, then you'd know, it doesn't directly say it, but I think it's impossible to miss. I….somehow, I've developed feelings for you, Blair. For a while there, it seemed like we really had a connection and I thought that you felt it too. Now, I'm scared that I've made you doubt that. But I want you to know, that even though my motives were wrong, I loved every minute with you. And…I think that I almost started to use the story as an excuse to spend time with you and maybe that's why I didn't stop writing it when I should have. Not that that should make up for anything, but…it's got to count for something, right? And even if my feelings for you started while I was doing this awful thing, it doesn't make them any less valid. It's real, Blair. I know that I don't deserve another chance, but I think…I think that you and I could actually have something here. I guess that's why I had to call you tonight."
Dan took a deep breath and waited. But she didn't say anything.
"Blair?" He said, but got no answer. "Blair?"
He pulled the phone away from his ear and saw that they had lost the connection. She hadn't heard a word.
Dan expected to feel miserable the next day when he woke up, but he felt strangely free. He wondered if he was really over everything that had happened, or if he had finally gotten used to feeling guilty and lovesick. Either way, having put his feelings for Blair into words acted as a revelation in some ways to Dan. He was sick of missing her and feeling remorseful all the time. It was time to fix this mess and as long as he was dwelling on everything that happened, nothing would get better.
Nate got back a few days later and came to the loft insisting that he had missed Rufus's waffles, but Rufus had taken off with Lily, so he had to settle for Dan's instead. Nate was in an infectiously good mood and it rubbed off on Dan, even with the publishing of the second chapter, this one all about Blair's father's affair and subsequent move to France.
"So, I hate to break the bro code," Dan began as he passed Nate his plate full of waffles, "but I like Blair."
"I knew that." Nate said as he put a big splodge of syrup on the tower of waffles.
"Yeah, I haven't got to breaking the bro code yet."
"Okay." Nate said curiously.
"I know you and Chuck are friends again, and I wouldn't want you to betray his confidence, but he was with Blair in Europe over New Year's and-"
"And you want to know if they're back together?" Nate finished for him.
"I have a mild curiosity, yes." Dan nodded.
"Honestly, man, you never really know with those two. But, as far as I know, they're not together. And I saw what Gossip Girl said, but they didn't go to Europe together. Blair was staying with her dad and Chuck showed up."
"That's quite the romantic gesture." Dan said under his breath, he didn't want to have to use grand gestures to get Blair's attention. Even if he did, he didn't have the means that Chuck had – but that didn't mean he had nothing to offer her. "So, is he trying to get her back?"
"I don't know." Nate sighed. "I think he's still waiting for her to tell him that she loves him."
"Huh." Dan nodded thoughtfully. "Do you think she does love him?"
"Dan!" Nate whined, with his mouth full. "I don't know and I really don't want to get in the middle of this."
"Okay, that's fair." Dan said quickly, putting his hands up. "How are the waffles?"
"They are so good." Nate replied as he devoured another mouthful.
They then talked about Serena and Aaron's breakup, the scandal that Bart and Lily's divorce had caused, the summer internship that Nate's grandfather had got him and what Dan was half terrified and half excited about; going back to school. When Nate left, Dan sat down at his laptop and wrote. He had stopped writing for a while out of guilt, but it was a part of himself that he didn't want to sacrifice. He had learnt his lesson from the Claire Carlyle incident and knew he would never make it again. But he loved to write and, when he felt inspired, he found it hard to stop himself. He was never going to publish something about someone he knew again, but writing about his life was like therapy in some ways.
"What are you doing?" Vanessa's voice intruded his thoughts as he sat at his laptop.
"Uh…nothing." Dan replied slowly as Vanessa made her way through his window.
"No, nuh-uh." Vanessa responded as she crossed her arms. "I know that look, you're writing again."
"Maybe." Dan admitted sheepishly.
"What's the new story then? Can I see it?" Vanessa asked as she advanced towards him, her eyes looking hungrily at the screen.
"Uh, no. It's just...it's not ready yet." Dan said as he snapped the laptop shut.
"Okay." Vanessa eyed him suspiciously. "What are you writing about?"
"Um…it's a…novella about…a seventeenth century…circus act….these Siamese twins who-"
"You're a terrible liar." Vanessa cut him off and grabbed the laptop away from him and jumped onto his bed. She scanned the screen quickly as Dan stood defeated, waiting for her judgment. "You're still writing the Claire Carlyle story?"
"No, not the Claire Carlyle story, a Claire Carlyle story. It's not for New York Magazine, I'm not ever going to publish it or show it to anyone, so what does it matter?" Dan rambled defensively.
"Hey, I'm not judging." Vanessa said as she put her hands up. "I'm just…curious. Why are you still writing about Blair?"
"Because…because I still feel like there's still a lot of unresolved issues between me and her and writing about it usually helps."
"Okay, but, Dan…you gave her your notebook and she obviously didn't care. I think it's time to just move on from all of this."
"I don't know that she doesn't care. She hasn't even read it yet, which yes, may seem like indifference, but when she does read it, which she'll have to eventually, then she might care." Dan tried to explain.
"How do you know she hasn't read it yet?" Vanessa asked as she narrowed her eyes in his direction.
Dan froze, he hadn't meant to say that.
"I called her." He admitted.
"What? When?" Vanessa exclaimed.
"New Year's Eve. We didn't really talk long, we got cut off." Dan left out the part about him confessing his feelings to Blair. "Can we change the subject? I'm kind of sick about talking about it and thinking about it, I just want to forget it all?"
"Then why are you still writing about her?"
"I said that I want to forget about what happened, not that I want to forget her. I know I shouldn't be writing about her, but…I'm inspired right now and I've got to take advantage of that, haven't I? And I'm not going to make the same mistakes I did before so it's not a big deal, okay?"
"Okay." Vanessa reluctantly agreed, then obliged him by changing the subject. "So, I finished editing together my new film, so you want to watch it?"
Vanessa didn't bring it up again, with Dan was grateful for because he wanted to try to stop overthinking everything. He spent too much time thinking, it was time to become a man of action. He had decided that would be his new mantra this year.
But by the day Dan had to return to school, all his courage had faded away. He had been excited about getting to see Blair again, but the closer the time came, the more he started to dread it too. She was probably still hurt and definitely still furious. Not to mention he was on everyone's radar now.
People parted before him as he walked down the hallway. They looked like they were awe-struck; he was the guy who out-schemed Blair Waldorf, the Queen of Scheme herself, after all. Dan found it depressingly amusing that the one thing that made him lose respect for himself had caused him to finally gain the respect of his peers.
Except for one certain leggy blonde. When Dan headed for the courtyard, a mission on his mind, he saw Serena approaching. With her lips were pursed she walked straight towards him, even though her eyes were looking through him. Dan slowed, expecting another lecture about how terrible he is, but instead she pushed her shoulder into his chest and kept going. So, she was still pissed.
Dan thought about going after her, but he had already tried to talk to her before, so the best thing to do was probably to give her more time. Besides, there was someone else that Dan wanted to put first right now. He headed to the courtyard and spotted Blair at her usual table surrounded by her minions. She was turned away from him, but Dan could see she was tensed up. The first day back had to be a tough one for her too and, as Dan had guessed, she was dealing with it by being scaring her minions as much as she could.
"Hey, Blair." He said casually as he reached her. She turned around and gave him a look that he was used to from her; the 'what makes you think that you get to talk to me?' look.
"How was winter break?" He asked when she didn't respond.
"Fine, thank you." Blair said quickly, looking panicked because she had nothing else to say.
"Good. Well, I just…I wanted to give you that Renoir book I told you about." Dan explained as he pulled his mom's old book out of his bag and handed it to her. "It's got a really interesting page on Dance in the City and Dance in the Country. I know that you like those."
"I like Dance in the City." Blair stated dismissively, having regained her composure, as she accepted the book.
"I know you do, the poise, the elegance, the contrasting colors." Dan smiled as he listed what she had once said to him, "But, Dance in the Country has the emotion. The city one just seems so….stiff. In the country painting you can tell that the couple are actually in love. Anyway, you should read the book. I'll catch up with you later."
Dan had achieved what he wanted, he had engaged her and recaptured what their short-lived almost friendship had been built upon. And if she wanted to act like the whole Claire Carlyle scandal never happened, then so would he – until she cracked, which he knew she would eventually. The more he acted like nothing had happened, the more it would drive her crazy and soon enough, she'll snap and they'll actually be able to talk about it. He smiled at her again and read apprehension across her features. Clearly she didn't know how to react to him right now, which had kind of been what he wanted. But his forced bravery was wearing thin, he'd talked to her for a whole sixty seconds and now he needed to get away before he fell to his knees and confessed how he felt about her whilst begging for her forgiveness again.
As he walked away, he overheard Penelope not so subtly whisper "What is going on with those two?"
The rest of the day wasn't so bad. Dan didn't really understand it, but things were different, the way people treated him was different. People used to either look at him like something they wiped off their show, or they'd just look right through him. Not they looked at him like he was a regular person. Strangely, that unsettled Dan. He didn't want to be 'one of them' – at least not in the way that he used to think of these people. He didn't want to be accepted because they all thought he was just as manipulative, cruel and calculating as they were. But he did want to be accepted.
"So, I take it you had a better day than I did." Jenny said to Dan as soon as he stepped inside the loft.
"What? What makes you think that?" Dan asked, confused.
"Well, according to Gossip Girl, you've got swag now. Apparently, Manhattan's elite approves" She smirked.
"Great." He sighed as he threw his bag onto the couch and searched the fridge for a snack.
"I can see what she means." Jenny said slowly. "You are different…more confident. What's that about?"
"Jen, I'm not any different, I just…I screwed up. I did what I hope will be the worst thing I will ever do and it sucks, but the world hasn't ended. I guess I'm just not scared anymore because things can't get any worse. And that realization…it's kind of liberating and it made me realize that I don't want to stand on the side-lines anymore. I want to be….involved. I spent the last few months standing back watching how these people live their lives and now…I don't want to be on the outside of that anymore."
"What are you saying, Dan? You want to be one of them?" Jenny questioned. "Because, as someone who's been there, trying to be someone you're not because you want to get inside doesn't end well."
"No, no." Dan smiled. "I don't mean that I want to be one of the elite, I'm not going to start taking a limo to school and grow some man bangs, I want to be me. But, on some level, I used the Claire Carlyle story to hide from what I really want. I'm not going to do that anymore."
"So, what do you want?"
Dan paused. Jenny knew that he had feelings for Blair, but that wasn't just what this was about, it wasn't about wooing her, or being accepted, it was about him breaking out of the parameters that he had allowed other people to put him in. He didn't care what Gossip Girl dubbed him, what the Basses, Waldorfs, Archibalds and Van der Woodsens of the world thought of him, it was about him. Because, until recently, he had thought that he was meant to be a certain kind of person. But getting close to Blair had brought out a side of himself that he didn't know existed, a brighter side. A side that didn't stand on the outside of life, but engaged with it, and he realized that the person he had been trying to be wasn't someone he liked very much. Now, what he truly wanted was to be a person who wouldn't run away from life anymore.
"Wait and see." Dan finally answered Jenny's question, smiling at her as he rushed into his room before she asked him any more questions.
He had thought about the years he had spent at St Jude's, and how high school was meant to be the time of your life – but that had never been the case for him. And he was beginning to realize that was his fault. When he had started dating Serena, she had called him out on the fact that even though she had never talked to him before, he hadn't tried to talk to her either. He had given up before he even tried, because he had believed the people that thought he didn't belong in that world. But, then he did talk to her, and he fell for her, and it had ended, but she was still in his life and Dan thought of her as a friend. That relationship had also been the catalyst for his friendship with Nate, and later Blair. Dan wished that he hadn't spent so much time on the outside, but high school wasn't over and he still had a few more months to make it memorable.
"I just can't believe this is a senior requirement." Nate moaned to Dan a few days later as they headed to the school's auditorium where most of the rest of the seniors had already gathered.
"It's not so bad." Dan replied. "At least they chose a good play this year."
"Dude, The Age of Innocence is like the most boring book ever, nothing happens! A guy and girl want to be together, but can't." Nate said dramatically. "End of story."
"Sure, you could sum up any great novel like that, but what makes or breaks a story is the way the story is told." Dan quickly defended one of his favourite books. "Have you actually read the book?"
"I haven't, but I'm sure you're just dying to make a case for Edith Wharton and convince me to give it a chance, so let me tell you now that it's not going to happen." Nate stated just as Julian, the director hushed everyone to announce who would be playing who.
Dan and Nate shifted uncomfortably as they listened to a longwinded speech about how honoured Julian was to be going on this journey with them, how much this meant to him and his hopes that they would all give their all before he actually got to the cast list.
"Now, as our protagonist Newland Archer, I have selected Don Humphrey!" He said triumphantly, then waited for the applause that no one gave.
"Don?" Nate teased under his breath and Dan shrugged in response.
Truthfully, Dan was happy about getting the lead. He loved the story and now connected with it more than he ever had, plus he thought it would be fun and would make an amazing memory one day.
"And as our leading lady, Ellen Olenska, we have Blair Waldorf." Julian continued, this time not pausing for a reaction – but everyone froze. Dan looked across the room and saw Penelope supress a smirk, Serena shake her head, Nelly Yuki sigh dejectedly – she almost looked jealous. Then his eyes found her. Blair looked pissed. She glared back at Dan, her jaw set and arms crossed.
"This story just got a whole lot more interesting." Nate whispered over his shoulder.