Wayzz had never before regretted devoting himself to the way of pacifism. Granted, he usually relied on his Chosen to actually clobber people-

He hovered in front of his injured master and held up a hand. "I warn you. If you proceed to walk the path of violence, your life will be forever stained with its consequences." There! That was probably close enough to a threat - without actually promising anything, so clever - that the attackers would back off.

Marinette's Heart Baker's two Gingerbread Boys stared at him. Their frozen, icing-drawn expression appeared terrified, which made Wayzz feel a little better, even if they always looked like that.

Despite their apparent terror, they raised the broken bits of furniture that they had been using as weapons.

Behind Wayzz, Master Fu gave a groan that was half 'Ow, I have been hit many times with sticks and I probably have broken bones' and half 'I really threw out my back when I punched that one assailant in his stupid face.' After nearly two hundred years, the Turtle Kwami had gotten to know his master's cries of pain quite well.

Wayzz held his position between the monsters and his human. "You're not going to go away peacefully, are you?"

"Are you kicking me out, little kwami?" Heart Baker stepped back into the room, followed by a third Gingerbread Boy who bore a strong resemblance to the bespectacled lad she had chased here to Master Fu's parlor. Now that her latest victim had been turned into a gingerbread-monster, Wayzz noticed that Heart Baker was no longer sashaying or even smiling. She was all business. "Well, before I go- Nino, do you know what would make me oh so very happy? If you steal that gramophone and throw it in the Seine somewhere. Everyone else, how about we burn this place to the ground? That sounds fun!"

Wayzz tried to zip over to the gramophone, intent on somehow protecting the hiding place for the dormant Miraculouses (he figured the details could be worked out as he went), but he was smacked out of the air by something hard, wooden, and altogether very similar to the leg of the chair in the waiting room.

Wayzz shook his head and looked up from the ground. Ah, it was a chair leg, and a Gingerbread Boy had swung it. It had been an ugly chair, anyway.

The Gingerbreads raised their sticks again-

-the third ran out of the building with the gramophone-

-the wind whistled against the swinging sticks-

-Wayzz cringed-

-and Cat Noir crashed through the window in a flying leap and tackled the two Gingerbread Boys to the ground.

"Hooray!" said Wayzz.

"Ooh, so much lea~ther," cooed Heart Baker, but she made no move to intervene.

Cat Noir back-flipped off the Gingerbread Boys and grinned. "I didn't know that akumas could have the power to raise the bread." He deployed his staff and fended off the Gingerbread Boys' retaliation, then swept their legs out from under them and batted them straight out of their airborne tumbling through the broken window. "I guess you guys are good roll models for villains everywhere."

Wayzz's enthusiasm was immediately sucked down into the black hole of the boy's punning and crushed into an infinitely small mass. No wonder Master Fu never invited this moron over.

Oh! The Master!

Wayzz flew down to where Fu was curled up on the floor. "Master, are you okay? Do you require Eastern Medicine? Or perhaps some Western Medicine? Or some tea?"

Master Fu opened his eyes with what seemed to be some effort. "Wayzz. That- that was worst beating I've had since the last soccer game we attended. "

"Yes, master. They are worse than hooligans."

"The akumatized Marinette ordered her minions to beat me."

"Yes, master. She is being very rude."

Master Fu gave a little snort, and then winced. "I am too injured to fight. Please, help Cat Noir. Hawk Moth cannot advise Marinette or spy through her now, but she is still infected with Evil. And I shudder to think what she has done with the Ladybug Miraculous-"

"Oh!" Wayzz saw a way to be helpful! How fortunate! "I can find out about that for you! Wait here!" He zoomed around-

-just in time to see a giant spotted-iced-cookie-buzzsaw clash against a silver staff.

Oh. Right. Superhero fight. That was a thing happening in his house.

Sparks flew as the evil buzzsaw tried and failed to cut through Cat Noir's righteous staff, lighting up the faces of the warrior teenagers. They held onto their weapons, fighting for dominance against each other, neither one yielding.

Oh!

Sparks!

The humans were attracted to each other, which is often described in metaphor as 'sparks flying!' Wayzz had thought of a pun! What fun! He would have to tell the master later. He was sure it would provide much amusement once no lives were in danger.

For now, Wayzz had a mission. He floated over right next to Heart Baker, just out of reach of the sparks (ha, such a clever play on words!) and said, "Excuse me. Could you tell me what happened to the Ladybug Miraculous? The Guardian is worried."

Cat Noir looked at him with wide eyes! "You- yikes!" He ducked to avoid a swipe of Heart Baker's buzzsaw. "You are a kwami! Um, you can tell 'the Guardian' (because apparently I don't get to know this stuff) that it's safe!"

Heart Baker froze in the middle of setting up another attempt to decapitate Cat Noir. "It is?"

Cat Noir actually brushed a hand through his hair nervously. "Yeah. Um, sorry, My Lady. But those earrings just don't go with your costume right now."

Heart Baker cocked a hip. "Thank you for noticing. But, uh, you found them?"

"Well, I had some help, but yes. The flower pot, right?"

Heart Baker blinked. Then a slow smirk crawled across her face. "Kitty, I never thought you bold enough to search a lady's private things. What else did you paw through?"

Cat Noir blushed.

Wayzz wondered if the 'paw' counted as a pun.

Then Heart Baker sprang forward with an "Ah~a," sending Wayzz bobbing on the ether-currents, and pressed her free hand against Cat Noir's chest. "Give me your heart, little kitten."

"Noooooo!" Cat Noir stumbled backwards, but Heart Baker stayed with him clutching the bell on his collar.

Wayzz righted his tumble-

-too late-

-her smirk became a toothy grin as she pressed with her hand and-

-something went POP and she bounced back a few steps. "Ow. What was that?"

Wayzz looked at the bit of smoke wafting away from where she had just been touching Cat Noir. "Ah, I understand! The suit protected him. How fortunate!"

Cat Noir sagged in relief.

And Heart Baker, amazingly, giggled. "I can think of, like, thirty-seven different lewd jokes to make right now."

Cat Noir gave a laugh. "I know, right? Protection." His cheeks started growing red.

Heart Baker didn't seem to be able to top giggling. "And performance."

"Stamina." Cat Noir was giggling now, too. "I can't believe I'm making these kinds of jokes with you."

"Silly kitty!" She gasped. "Oh, shooting blanks!"

"Ooh, good one! And-"

Wayzz left them to their off-color humor and flew over to Fu. "Master! Cat Noir says that the Ladybug Miraculous is safe! Also, the children seem to be flirting, despite the situation. I strongly suspect this is not a new thing for them."

The master forced his eyes open again. "And what about the Black Cat Miraculous?"

Wayzz was brought up short. "Isn't Cat Noir wearing it?"

"Yes, Wayzz. And is Cat Noir safe right now?"

Oh. Wayzz turned around to check on the two giggling magical warriors.

Except it seemed that they had finished their giggling exchange of bad sex jokes and were now both on the floor, Cat Noir kicking frantically while Heart Baker pinned him and clumsily unzipped the front of his costume.

Wayzz turned back to Master Fu. "The situation seems it has begun to go poorly, master. I shall try to render assistance. Please wait here and try not to die."

He flew back over to the battle, zooming to Heart Baker's face, right in front of the heart-shaped void out of which her blue eyes were shining. "Young lady! Please stop this!"

Heart Baker glanced at him, and Cat Noir used the opportunity to twist enough to yank his zipper out of her grasp. Heart Baker grabbed for it again as she said, "H~i, Wayzz. How's it- (Ow, don't kick me there!) How's it going? Do you (Stop squirming, kit~ten!) have something to say?"

"I do!" He summoned his most stern glare. "If you take your partner's heart and Miraculous, Tikki will be most disappointed in you, not to mention your parents. Consider that."

"Okay." Heart Baker closed her eyes for a moment, and then flashed the kind of smile that usually took a pack of wolves and a spare saber-tooth tiger. "All done!"

And with a triumphant laugh, she gave one last yank at the zipper and exposed Cat Noir's full, smooth chest. (Wayzz wondered if he waxed.) She grasped towards his heart, but the boy curled his legs and shoved his knees into her stomach.

Heart Baker grunted, but she was she was not thrown off. Her hand was just short of Cat Noir's chest.

Oh, dear. If trying to invoke The Shame Of Tikki had failed, then truly this girl's soul was forever tarnished. Wayzz had once seen Tikki guilt Genghis Kahn into writing a letter to his mother, and that was while he was under the influence of The Feared Fritillary. Poor Marinette. They'd probably have to kill her, stake her heart, and bury her head several kilometers away from her body. So messy.

But for now, she seemed to be winning.

Wayzz slid himself right underneath that reaching evil hand and propped himself like a nude god holding up a globe, except he was of course wearing his shell, so unlike most gods and all the other kwami, he was not at all naked. (Except to other turtles, but of course that didn't count.)

Heart Baker growled. "Hn- can't quite- you know, there are lots more fun things we can all be doing. Would you boys back down if I offered kisses?"

Cat Noir looked up at her. "Marinette, I- I don't suppose I could say something really sweet and compelling that could get you to shrug off the akuma's influence because of your pure heart and boundless love?"

"My name is Heart Baker." She stuck her tongue out at him. "And if it's boundless love you want, how about you give me your heart and your Miraculous?"

Cat Noir sighed. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

Heart Baker relented a little, allowing Wayzz to stand up straighter as he pushed her hand back. She said, "If you give me your heart, Mr Shredded, I'll let you call me whatever you want. After all, you have double the love for me as everyone else, right?"

"Um," Cat Noir said, "what?"

Wayzz looked up at her. "I, too, am confused? Is that more ribald humor? Tikki will be so disappointed."

"What?" Heart Baker snorted. "No! I'm talking about how Mister Cute Kitty Butt here will chase anything with a pair of pigtails!"

Wayzz glanced back at Cat Noir, who shrugged as best he could while holding up a feral magical baker girl. "I have no idea what you're talking about, My Lady. I'd like you even if you went bald."

"Oh, sure, that's why you've been stalking 'Marinette' and peeping at me!"

Wayzz gasped. "You peeped?! That is a true abuse of-"

"No," Cat Noir gasped. "No, no, no no no no no! All my stalking was purely for public observation! I peeped on no one! Well, except for Chloe, but it was an accident, and she should really close her shades when she's cosplaying."

Heart Baker shuddered. "I'll give you that one. But just because you didn't peep doesn't justify love-sick stalking!"

"I didn't!"

Wayzz pushed Heart Baker's hand up a little higher and arched a hairless eyebrow at the boy.

Cat Noir nodded. "Seriously! No love-sick stalking! I was following Marinette because I was trying to protect her and figure her out!"

"Yeah, sure." Heart Baker lunged as she spoke, putting more pressure on Wayzz. "Like there's some big mystery."

Wayzz nodded. "I think the 'peeping' theory is the most likely."

"And going to Adrien," Heat Baker continued, her voice trembling a little, "and getting him to break my heart! Why did you do that, you worthless stray? Did you want me for yourself?! Were you going to show up in your tight, tight leather and try to console me after I said I wanted to stay friends?!"

"No, I-"

"Did you want Adrien for yourself?" Heart Baker made a little choking sound. "That's sooo~ hot!"

Cat Noir snarled. "I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO ABOUT LADYBUG FALLING IN LOVE WITH MARINETTE INSTEAD OF ME!"

Wayzz needed a moment to process that. "But- Marinette is Ladybug."

"Well, yeah, sure, I know that now."

Heart Baker groaned. "Oh my akuma, are you friggin' serious?! You thought- but- I- she- they- WHY?!"

Wayzz had to agree. This was the dumbest thing he had ever heard, and he had been watching TV for five whole years now.

Cat Noir scowled. "You know what? Forget it. I'm not talking about this with you. You're an evil baker who's turning boys into gingerbread minions! (Thanks for leaving a freshly baked scent-trail from Nino's place, by the way.) You want to dive into the complicated dynamics of my relationship with My Lady, you can stop trying to rip my heart out of its chest! So there!"

Wayzz was disappointed, but the boy had a point. Arguing with an akuma was futile.

Heart Baker, surprisingly, seemed to agree. She hummed for a moment, and then nodded. "Yeah. That's fair. And, honestly? I was just chatting you up to get into your suit, anyway."

And then she stopped straining. She pulled her hand away and sat back.

And with nothing holding him down, Wayzz went zooming up like a rocket to smack into the ceiling.

Ow.

Fortunately, he had a good shell.

Unfortunately, his shell was stuck in the plaster.

Disastrously, he had a bird's eye view as Heart Baker reached into Cat Noir's unprotected chest. "You're so warm, kiii~iiitty. You must have a looooot of love in there. Will you give me your heart?"

"Guh," said Cat Noir.

Wayzz strained his flying powers, but all he could do was rock back and forth in his crater.

"Erk," said Cat Noir.

Wayzz looked for his master, but Fu was still curled up with his injuries.

"Ulp," said Cat Noir, "hhhh..."

And then Heart Baker was standing up with a small wedding cake in her hands. It was three tiers and pure white, with little Ladybug and Cat Noir figures standing at the top under an arch made of purple butterflies.

And Heart Baker actually seemed subdued as she gazed at it. "Oh, kitty."

"..." said Cat Noir.

Heart Baker sniffled. "I knew you wanted me, but- but this- oh, kitty."

"..." said Cat Noir.

Wayzz could see the glistening black tears that fell from Heart Baker's glowing, floating eyes. They smoked as they splashed on the floor.

"Yes," she breathed. "Yes. I accept your heart, and everything it means. I do!" She sank to her knees besides the dying hero.

Wayzz called out, "Help!"

"..." said Cat Noir.

Then Heart Baker smashed her face into the cake, and Wayzz could hear the wet sounds of gluttonous consumption.

"..." said Cat Noir.

Then he said nothing.

Heart Baker stood up again, the cake gone, except for the frosting smeared all around her grinning mouth. She moved over to Cat Noir's still body and sat down on him, then touched her chin with a finger, scooping up some of the frosting. Wayzz could only watch as she used it to draw a heart on the boy's slack face.

"I love you, Cat Noir. Come find me, once you're done bak~ing. There's one more heart I want to take personally, and then we'll go find my earrings. And then- and then I'll never be without love again. I will have it all." She reached for Cat Noir's hand-

-the one with the ring on it-

"No," Wayzz moaned.

She slid the Black Cat Miraculous off his finger. "With this ring, I thee wed, my brave black kitty with the cute butt. Kitty, kitty, kitt~eh." She put it on her own hand, giggled, and held it to her chest. "This is the happiest day of my life!"

And then in a flash of pink light and splattered whipped cream, she was gone.

And in a flash of green light and the silence of a tomb, Cat Noir was replaced by Adrien Agreste.

Oh, dear. Wayzz seemed to be the last one standing. Not that being stuck in a ceiling by his shell was standing, really, but he was still conscious, which was more than he could say for the other two humans here. That was not bad, considering it was his first superhero fight and he was technically a pacifist. Too bad the world was doomed, now.

So it was up to him to finish things, then.

Adrien's body began turning brown, and there was a sound like the crunching of overdone cookies.

"I summon Emergency Mode," Wayzz said.

And then, with an unpleasant twisting sensation, his physical form went away.

It was similar to when he empowered his Chosen, becoming a very stylish (if he did say so himself, and he even got a very complimentary write-up in Ye Old Eighteenth-Century Fashion) green armored supersuit and a set of super abilities, except that process merely strolled nonchalantly past the laws of physics while whistling in a very, very innocent manner to proclaim, 'What? Me? Oh, no, I'm just adhering to the conservation of energy here, why do you ask?'

Emergency Mode was more like chloroforming the laws of physics, stealing its clothes, stealing its car, dumping the unconscious body in the river, and going for a joyride to a country with lax gambling laws. Except, at the end, you were the one who woke up with the horrible headache and a weird taste on the tongue.

Wayzz was reduced to a kind of sticky energy that held together in a cluster. He could now easily move out of the hole in the ceiling, and floated his incorporeal self down to the nearly-gingerbread body of Adrien Agreste.

Then he floated into the body of Adrien Agreste.

Specifically, he floated to the heart, where, although the bundle of muscles was still in place, a certain spirit was missing. No doubt it could be found in whatever unholy pocket dimension was serving as Heart Baker's tummy right now. (A little known bonus effect of being akumatized was that it made it very easy to lose weight. And also dress like a vampire.) And, in the absence of that spirit, Wayzz substituted himself.

Wayzz was now, functionally, Adrien's heart.

(Wake up, Adrien,) he said.

The first thing to come back was the beating of Adrien's physical heart. Then the boy started breathing again. Then he sat up suddenly and went, "Waaaah!"

(That was very loud,) Wayzz said. (But you are not a gingerbread zombie, so I think we can call this encounter a tie.)

"Um, sure!" Adrien looked around. "Isn't that the turtle kwami's voice? Where are you?"

(Technically, I am now infinitely present across all of physical space. And space is very, very big, so that's a lot of infinite. More practically, though, I am taking the place of the 'heart' that the akumatized Ladybug devoured as a wedding cake. So now you are alive again! You are welcome, of course.)

"Oh. Thank you. That's very kind of- WHERE IS MY RING?!"

(I regret to inform you,) Wayzz began gently, (that Heart Baker is currently wearing it. On the wrong finger, I might add. She is very uncouth.)

"But- but Plagg-"

(He is safe. Until she finds the Ladybug earrings, anyway, and gains the ability to rewrite reality. But I'm sure you hid them very well. For now, we have to get to your home. Heart Baker's next victim is Adrien Agreste. I am confident that while she searches for a boy who's not home, we can get to the Ladybug Miraculous and get you some new superpowers. Naturally, we can't use Master Fu's Miraculous, because I'm too busy keeping you alive.)

Adrien was quiet for a long moment.

Too quiet.

(Adrien?)

"Um, you probably didn't feel it, what with you acting as my heart right now, but a very chill, ironic breeze just blew through the window I broke. So, about where I hid that Miraculous..."

Wayzz was very glad he was incorporeal. He wasn't sure his regular body was expressive enough to convey the horror he felt. (You left the earrings in your bedroom, didn't you?)

"...maybe?"