A/N: *slowly shuffles into the spotlight* So…hi everyone! I haven't posted in a while and I'd like to apologize for the inconvenience. A lot has happened within these past months, but I wanted to post just to show I was still alive. However, the good news is, I know exactly where this story is going, so sick with me! We will take a lot of twists and turns, so I'm very excited! Anyway, enough with the boring stuff- on with the story!
"Even the darkest night will
end and the sun will rise"
-Les Miserables
Chapter 10: White Lie
Shivers crept slowly and dreadfully through my arms as I stepped up onto a creaky, darkened staircase, unaware of the tension that was building deep within my chest. It had only been five minutes after my argument with that blasted Persian man, and the anger within my words that I had thrown at him now settled deep within my mind. Inside, I raged on with my argument and thought of what I could've said to him to make my case and my purpose more clear. Everything jumbled in my mind and I had no intention of stopping the swirling storm within the walls of my head. It wasn't until I faced an old wooden door did I finally realize where I had been walking this entire time. So many thoughts were conflicting within me that I had barely any control of where my body took me, and I had no intentions of stopping it.
The door in front of me was surly intimidating, for the wood was solid and the door itself was dressed with tasteful colors of oddly shaped locks and chains that I didn't even know if I would be able to go through it even if I had the greatest locksmith by my side. I started in awe at the door for a few moments, trying my best to surface the memory that the door appeared. When was it that I last saw this door? It was certain that I wouldn't forget, for now that the memory had dawned on me, it certainly had a meaningful purpose. It was the door to the roof. My body dragged me up to the roof, knowing my intention was serious and I had no plan to peruse it by myself.
What cruelty my own body was! I came up here without the knowledge of coming up here. The irony of the situation was absolutely breathtaking; I almost had to applaud my other brain, the one that motioned me in this direction, of its attention to detail and suspense. I would die in the exact same place, as I should have died so many weeks before. This time, it was for real, and no one would be able to stop me.
However, it wasn't until the heavy wooden doors swung open after minutes of picking the locks did I realize it wasn't someone out to stop me, but a something. When exactly did I realize? It hit me the same moment an icy breeze, capable of giving frostbite to someone who had been exposed within the time-lapse of two seconds, hit my body, sending a parade of shivers down my entire being.
As if mechanically, I mapped out how on earth it could've been this cold in summer, for it was only the middle of summer when I locked myself up. A moment later, I confirmed that I had been shut out from the world for four months, and winter was on its way, already coming at full force in the month of November. Four months I had been locked up in that room, as if an animal! Four months in my life had been ripped out and replaced with hell on Earth! What horror!
I was smacked from thought as another frost-bitten breeze slapped my face and the rest of my body, as if nothing could stop the foul wind from reaching the inside of the opera, ripping right through me as if I were nothing. The coolness of the weather two steps in front of me attacked my body the moment the door was opened, and I was evidently caught unprepared and not ready for such a fight as it smacked my mind into the present. For the last few months, I didn't even think about the current state of the outside world, and how could I, with all the other thoughts invading my mind and spreading like wildfire.
I will admit, that for one moment, I greatly considered slamming the door shut just as heavy as it opened, turn around, and head back to the dressing room, where I truly belonged, but that thought only held my attention for one moment, as if pulled away from the front of my mind by a greater force- a darker force. And I was completely aware that it was the same force that led my body up the staircase and through the door was responsible for this action. No, I had to get through this, no matter the conditions. A simple, fall storm wasn't going to stop me from escaping hell on Earth. But as I really focused on the weather in front of me, all I could ask myself was "how?"
The scene that lay out in front of me was truly terrifying- a frightening, horrifying, appalling nightmare that only existed in the cruelest of minds. Not even the person I saw in my nightmares could imagine this kind of destruction, for only the devil himself had the ruthlessness to visualize such a scene like the one happening before me. A thunderous hurricane, made out of snow, hail, and ice, towered over the diminutive city I once thought was grand, and was now threatening to crumple before me as the buildings could barely be seen through the white wind that changed its direction every five seconds. Snowflakes tumbled freely and easily from the sky, sticking to everything it touched without a protest, including my thin, translucent shawl that I unconsciously picked up sometime on the way up here to cover my shoulders and protect me from the cold that drifted through the Opera House, though it wasn't nearly doing that now that I realized why it was so cold inside.
However, the coolness inside the building felt hot compared to this kind of cold. It was incredibly cold! I couldn't even explain how miserable it felt to spent only one minute out in the open- it was as if I were trapped in a chamber of ice and the coolness of it radiated off itself and onto me, and I was bound from my hands and neck to stay put in the ice by other layers of heavy snow. To the point where I couldn't even move to try and keep myself warm, for I had been frozen in place. I've never been this freezing in my entire life, and I knew it would be the last time in my life as well. Against my will, I thought of the radiant sun shining down and hugging my body, protecting me from the cold. The thought warmed my insides. However, it soon went away from the sadness of knowing I'd never have that feeling of warmth again, for no matter how happy the thought seemed to be, it was always blown away by the cursed, icy breeze called the truth. It was because of those feelings of warmth made me want to live a bit longer, but I reminded myself I'd never be warm again as long as I lived, thanks to my haunted past. There would never be a day of warmth and happiness in my life again, and knowing that completely, I wondered why I should keep pretending there would be. I have only been pretending this entire time; I've already admitted that to myself some time ago! Why didn't I listen? What made me not listen? Whatever it was, it was easily overruled by reality and there was only moments that I thought of my life getting better. As I said, those thoughts never stayed for long.
Wind howled and blew straight through my nightgown as if it were nothing, leaving my skin concealed in goose-bumps that I couldn't get rid of no matter how much I rubbed the irritated, flaky skin. All I could possibly hear was the breeze whistling in violent, hurricane-force gusts, lapping the skirt of my dress and hitting my shaky legs with such power I almost couldn't stand in the doorway. The snow that was inches from my feet had piled up against the door when it was closed, and now that I had opened it, the snow was about to collapse on my bare feet. 10 inches of snow, I assumed, was about to tumble on my feet, and as soon as I realized it, it was already too late. Another strong gust of wind pushed it over the edge, and my feet instantly felt numb as soon as the powder collapsed. I instantly shivered to the point my entire being was shaking like I was having a seizer.
Did I dare step out into it? Could I step into it even if I wanted? The wind grew more powerful, as if pushing me back inside the doorway. No, I had no motivation to do this anymore. It was all completely lost now that had seen the actual danger in front of me. There was no way to convince my mind to make it go out there on its free will, but sadly, my mind lost all control of myself long ago, and now that my body was in control, all I could ever do is watch the horror taking place in front of me. And my body wanted me dead.
The second I walked out of the doorway, my feet were numb, for the fact that my feet crunched deep into the 10 inch snow, and I failed to wear shoes. I could feel the little bits of ice snaking into the cracks of my toes, sending spiteful nerves to coarse through my body. The storm blew in hail from all directions, to where there wasn't one place I could've gone that the weather would've of hit me. And I stood directly in front of it, trying my best to stand my ground as the wind effortlessly almost tipped me over.
Everything was a horrendous dark and a blinding white color all at the same time, making anyone without the knowledge of where they were hopelessly lost. Luckily, I had an idea of where I currently stood. I stood directly one step out from the doorway, and three steps away from being concealed in white. Perhaps even twenty steps away from falling to my death. How close it all sounded, but it seemed like lifetimes away for I couldn't even see my hand as I held it out in front of my face. Moreover, if even possible, the wind started to heave even more through the standing air until it felt like there was none. The storm was growing worst, as if in sync to the emotions inside me.
There was a pain starting to grow in my insides as I walked further and further from the door, as if it were threatening to freeze my body from the inside out. I realized soon enough that there was absolutely no way to ignore it. I tried to predict what this awful feeling might be. Thinking to myself, I concluded that it wasn't a painful feeling in the sense that I was hurt, but the pained feeling I gotten when I was a victim of guilt or anxiousness. However it hurt so much to the point where it felt like the guilt and anxiousness were backing up my system like stagnant water and turning toxic in my blood. Perhaps it was those feelings after all, for there was so much going on in front of me.
As if I believed it would help the feeling go away, I swallowed hard. There was no reason to this action, though my throat was dry because of the wind, it didn't help. It actually just ticked it more.
This didn't cross my mind though, for all I could think about was this feeling that had no way of leaving your body. At least I wouldn't be occupying my body for much longer, for if I were, id certainly is living in hell. I had already gone through that- I didn't need to live that way ever again.
The feeling felt as if it were getting stronger, just like the wind that surrounded me. How cold the wind felt against my skin, for my dress was doing nothing to protect the flesh from the harsh conditions. The farther and father I got away from the doorway and out in the open, the more painfully cold it was. It was like a thousand metal needles poking at your bare skin, sending your nerves over the edge and shutting down. And that's basically what my body was doing now that id been exposed to these conditions for this long. My lip was turning numb alongside with the rest of my body. It was harder to walk at this point, even if the wind changed directions and pushed me from behind, for the wind wasn't just cold- it was truly painful.
I concluded that if- God forbid! - I did live; there would be no possible way to cure my icy blue lips and my snow-covered eyelashes. I predicted the cold would stay, sitting atop my body forever, not once even melting in the hottest conditions.
There was only one way out of this forever icy spell that was cased down upon me, and the cure was what I was planning to do before I came up here. Death, like in most situations, was the only way out. That was the reason why my body wanted me dead because it was the only way to escape. It was the only way to escape my past and put it behind me. That is what my body tried screaming to me. Sadly, my mind was resisting. It was as if it didn't want to believe that dying was even possible- it was always looking for another way out besides death, but even a school boy would know that some things you cannot change, no matter the time and effort committed. However, it continued to resist against my body's plea for escape. My mind was persuaded that I would be going back inside the opera house and it was now thinking of ways to cure my icy lips and frostbitten body- that's how persuaded it was! Oh how stupid my mind was indeed!
Images of my recovery fled through my mind quickly, as if it was committing a crime and didn't want to be caught. I briefly saw myself sitting by a warm, blazing fire, wrapped with blankets and towels with warm tea and other medicines surrounding me. The sight itself was pleasant, but the moment realization came though my head to where these images were located, I pushed them away scornfully, for beside the large fireplace sat a sinfully beautiful organ.
Oh how horrid and cruel my own mind was! How awful it treated me, and that's partly why I didn't try and stop my body from being in control. I trusted it more than my cruel, twisted mind. There was no way I would let myself ponder about Erik for one moment!
As soon as my mindset pushed the thought away, I was set back in the real world, however, reality wasn't any crueler than my thoughts. My lips now became numb along with the rest of my body to where I could've feel myself moving it felt as if I ware floating on air. But the feeling of being frozen hadn't subsided like I might've thought. I was in excruciating pain like I was before because of the weather conditions. Also, even if I was completely numb, my vision still shook, meaning my body was as well, but I was such a bad shaking that I couldn't tell if I was about to collapse on the snow. I just had to have the faith that it wouldn't fail me for a bit longer. After that, it could do whatever it wants.
However, even with all this going on, my heart fluttered with joy from the visibility of the edge. At this moment, I didn't realize that my heart was beating with anxiousness, and not happiness, but there was no way I would let myself get worried and have second thoughts now, with the edge being at such a close distance. For the fact that I couldn't even see my own hand through the snow if it were extended and that I could (maybe not that clearly) see the edge, spoke for it about how close I was to death. How close I was to escaping!
By instinct and not by choice, I peered over to edge. Dreadful, but not utterly shocking, I saw nothing but the color that surrounded me. It was nothing but white, as if God forgot to fill it in as he made the world. I couldn't see what lay at the bottom either, but decided whether that was a good thing or a bad thing was the real question. I was sure that ground was down there somewhere, but I couldn't possibly tell how far away it was, especially with all the snow that with no doubt covered the floor. Well, whatever was down there, I'd meet it soon enough. I just hoped there wasn't so much snow that it would save my fall. How dreadful that would be! To jump with death clearly imprinted in my mind and have myself be saved by this merciless weather! How dreadful it would be to be saved by anyone…
"Quickly now!" I told myself "if anyone was intending to save you, you must make sure they'd come too late! You don't need to be facing anyone else in your condition."
With this thought in mind, I pushed my body forward encouraging it to make one more step forward. However, at that moment, the strangest thing happened to me- my body seemed to refuse to move an inch closer to the edge! I once again tried to make my foot lift off the ground, but nothing happened. It was, as if my mind was not in anyway connected to my body, like trying to control someone else's movements with just your thoughts. Moments before, there was something in control of my body, moving it more and more toward the edge. Now, it was as if whatever was in control left, leaving me nothing but my thoughts to control.
I whimpered out of frustration of my own body. How could it do this to me? It had been fighting off my worst thoughts and controlling them now, I was the one who had to control them? No way would I be able too for long!
"Make it fast, make it fast!" my mind kept crying, not wanted to deal with the dread that was building up inside of me. Soon, I wouldn't want to jump, and that would be the real death of me!
"It's for the best"I spoke to myself out loud, though my voice was instantly lost in the wind. If anyone was watching me, they could easily tell I was a lunatic, speaking to no one! But I was speaking to someone- I was speaking to the little devil inside me that make me come up here in the first place. "I could finally escape this world and every cruel thing on it! There would be no more pain. I couldn't get back inside anyway no matter how hard I tried. It would be a painless way to escape the cold- I would die before hitting the ground!"
Sadly, even with all my frantic pleas, my body wouldn't move a muscle. I had to make this jump fast, or I would be knocked out from hypothermia first! What awful death hypothermia was! I would have to be unconscious for some time before actually dying, and that defiantly wasn't an option for me. I had to go now!
But I still couldn't move. I looked out in the distance, my eyes searching for something I didn't even know existed- answers. But there were none up here, just white. Walls of white slowly were closing in on me from either side. At this point, the only thing that was moving was the soft thud of my heartbeat, for my body gave up on shivering to keep me warm. Eventually, if I stayed out here for a few minutes longer, even my heartbeat would slowly fade away…
The only possible way that I was ever to move from this place was if someone picked me up, or shoved me, or anything like that. Maybe even then it wouldn't work, for it didn't seem impossible that my feet were stuck in the ground, frozen solid. Well, whatever the case may be, I still didn't want to find out. How horrible it would be for someone to save me out here! The shame I would carry around once my savior knew my intentions of being out here in the first place. No, that would be truly despicable. The only possible way I could be able to move (and that I would be okay with) was if the wind pushed me. And push it tried! It sounded crazy, but from my point of view, the wind was stronger than any person in the world could push me. It was just because my feet refused to move was that the wind didn't have any effects on where I stood.
Slowly, hesitantly, and still not wanting to admit it, I realized that even the wind in its most forceful gust still wouldn't be enough to move me. I felt literary frozen in place, my eyes not even being able to move. That is, not being having enough power to keep them open. My green orbs were dry from the harsh wind and for the fact that I haven't slept for quiet some time added to the effect of my eyelids threatening to close. But something strange was occurring in my eyesight as well it was becoming a bit blurry. I just didn't realize it because the only thing that I could see was a wall of white, and blurriness had no effect on a solid color such as white!
The pain in my stomach had eventually turned into a sickness feeling, to where I could've thrown up in the untouched, white snow. However, nothing ever once threatened to come back up my throat, partly because nothing had gone down it in the past several days, and also because I had been to cold to even tighten my stomach. It felt numb. As I breathed, I could barely feel my stomach expand, for I had been breathing in short, shallow breaths. My stomach was too cold to allow it to go out any further.
There was only one way to describe what I was feeling at that moment, besides "feeling cold". I was way past that. It felt odd indeed, almost like I was fading… I was fading from the world- my very body was being erased like everything was beside me. I would become nothing, very soon. I would just be part of the white, blank space. I could feel my name being erased from everything it was written on, I could feel my very presence from other people's memories being erased as well. It would be as if I was never there to begin with. No one would remember, no one would care, and bit-by-bit, I could feel my body giving in to death, and giving up life. And there was nothing I could do to stop this phenomenon. From the start, I knew there was nothing I could to do stop this horrible lifestyle, of being forgotten from everyone. From being erased from the world. Nothing could've ever changed this fate for me; nothing at all. It was already over from the start.
Not a single thought ran through my head at this time. Now, it felt as if I was really alone, not even my own thoughts comforted me. Not a single sign of life showed itself to me except the beating of my heart- that was slowing, no doubt. The cold was driving me mad, even if I couldn't actually see it. The cold had driven every little voice in my head away until it was just I. Nothing else made me human, for my face was absolutely expressionless and I couldn't move. I looked like a wax doll, like the one Christine had told me about before. Except this time, I wasn't dressed in wedding attire with a smile plastered on my face. There was nothing inside me, nothing at all. Never again would I move or change. I would die in this position with this expression and this amount of thoughts going through my head. That's how I would stay forever, barely making the cut of being "human".
Not that I had any input of its doing, my eyelids fell from its up position and covered my eyes so the only thing I could see was black. I wouldn't have to see myself die. Now, I could just slowly fade away…
My knees startled buckling, finding they couldn't hold my frozen body up for another second, and as images from my past suddenly flashed before me, I knew right then that I was about to die, and confirming my thoughts a moment later as my legs gave away.
Wind rushed through my hair as butterflies instantly flapped their wings in the pit of my stomach- the feeling of falling freely. I never once felt this kind of adrenaline rush through me at such a fast rate in such a short amount of time. One moment, I felt nothing. The second, I was flooded with every emotion I could possibly feel. Anger, for those in the past who hurt me, relief, for the fact that I was finally falling, and terror, for the realization my life was going to end. But that is what I wanted… wasn't it? Of course, it didn't matter anymore about what I thought anymore, for the fact that I couldn't just "stop" falling. My mind had been made.
"This is want you want," the little voice kept reminding me in the shortest amount of time. "This is all you have ever dreamed of. This is wanted you wanted for so long."
I knew all this was true, so why was I second-guessing? There was no way I could think again after all that's been done, from the time William was killed to the moment my legs gave away. However, my mind still swirled this millions of possibilities, even though I couldn't undo a thing. They were making assumptions that I never thought of before, like "suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem" and others where a bit crazier like, "you don't want to end your life, you want to end your pain!" Oh, how fast your mind works in a single moment of rush!
Suddenly, just like it all began, it all stopped with the breath getting knocked out of my stomach- a feeling that I have felt before. Just like that! In a moments notice everything you ever thought of could just stop. My eyes snapped open a fraction of a second later as the feeling of falling stopped. And, just as my senses told me, I wasn't falling! Though my feet were still firmly placed on the ground, my body was fully over the edge, ready to drop at a moments notice. Why wasn't I falling? I was literary looking down at the floor 200 feet down!
All at once, realization of the situation presented rushed forward and hit me as I saw the hand that saved me from the fall was securely wrapped around my waist, not planning to let go anytime soon. It was only when I saw the black glove that covered my savior's hand was when I actually felt sick to my stomach.
My heart pulsed at impossible speeds as adrenaline raged through my blood, making my head spin at just as fast as my heart. I couldn't think, for too many thoughts clouded my mind to make any thought of sense. I truly couldn't think.
The moment my head was cleared just enough for one simple thought was the exact moment I was brought back to safety. "I am saved" was the only thing that ran through my mind and as soon as it clicked in my brain of what that meant, I started to go insane. Literally insane!
"I'm not going to die. I'm not going to die!" Every fiber in my body vibrated at these words that repeated itself over and over again in my mind, and I was useless to try and stop it. Those words were the only thing that I focused on, wrapping around them and twisting the meaning as far as it could go until it snapped. The words never changed meaning; they never showed how on earth they could mean well. What did I feel about these true words, though? Was I happy about this phrase or frightened by it?
The answer was perfectly presented in the actions I took a moment later. Like a beaten, caged animal, I started to thrash in his arms, twisting and arching my back at immensely fast rates just to try and get loose from his grasp, terribly desperate to be freed. I knew then that I couldn't go back and face my darkest fears of seeing everyone again, I just couldn't! There was only one escape and I knew it- I had to get over the edge. With this in mind, I fought in his grip harder, my legs kicked and arms flailed desperately but he somehow managed to keep his grip on me strong, though I could tell his surprise at my sudden actions of rebel was still sticking in his mind. I tried everything in my power to get loose, for I was fighting with blind rage. It was so blind that I wasn't even sure what I was mad at, or why I was so angry, but I decided to take it out on the closest victim.
"Let me go!" I screamed and repeated over and over until I started hyperventilating from the lack of air I was getting, though it was in vain for my voice instantly got lost in the wind. I fought his firm grasp, as he tied his hands at my waist and was trying to muffle my screams with his gloved hand- just like before. I tried and tried to tear through his arms, kicking, biting, screaming, and thrashing my arms to try and escape this horrible world he has locked me in. I needed to get over the edge. Over the edge is freedom- peace! If killing myself was the only route to peace, I'd do it. But, why? Why was he keeping me from peace?!
At this point, my feet had been set on the floor and I was using them to my advantage and pushing myself away from his arms. However, his hands were like handcuffs, they would never let go and let me be free- never! Every time I'd gain advantage and pull away from him, he'd pull me back with the same amount of force, if not, more. It made it impossible to move forward. For the fact that he held me so tightly, I couldn't even find air to breathe, leaving me lightheaded with only anger driving me now.
My wrists were hurting from the constant pulling, but I couldn't even feel it. All I could feel was the heated stares that would soon be on me if I failed to do this simple task. The taunting and horrible names that would be given to me and the past that would haunt me forever, hurting me in ways that weren't humanly possible. There was so much pain that awaited me, and I was terribly frightened by it, seeking the only way to escape.
However, the hope of getting loose from Erik soon faded away from me as I could no longer see the edge and I wasn't sure which way it was. Erik managed to drag me away from the edge and from my death, for that I wasn't so thankful. The edge had been lost in this sea of white. My only escape had vanished from me.
As moments passed I could feel myself being strained of energy and oxygen, for I breathed sharply and painfully, but I could not stop! And he could not stop me! Every time I managed to slip his grip, he caught me again- and again! There was no way I could get over because his strong grip and I couldn't believe it. A second earlier- if I had let go a second earlier I would of been free!
"Over the edge was peace! Over the edge was freedom! You can't let anyone take that away from you!" my mind was screaming at me to get loose, cheering me on as I smacked and bit the man who caused all this. At this moment, I had no feelings of regret when I heard him grunt, though it didn't happen often. My mind continued shrieking desperately for me to get over the edge, completely out of fear of what might happen if I failed to do so. It was such a simple task, yet I couldn't. My mind was, again, becoming fuzzy with frustration and agony that I couldn't control my movements. The only thing I felt was Erik's strong hold on my arms, as if he were to die if he let go. Maybe once or twice I felt the grip loosen, but I wasn't able to quickly comprehend the situation in time, therefore giving him the upper hand no matter what.
"Over the edge, over the edge!" the words danced in my mind. I had to get over that edge! There was no way I could ever face Erik or anyone else again after all that has happened. I needed a release, and I needed it now! Erik was the one who was pulling me away from freedom, he was the one made this hell for me in the first place! Why was he so cruel and pulling me away? I couldn't let him win- not again. I had to get over the edge.
The situation only worsened as the advantage of strength and size came into play. All at once, I felt his entire body wresting me to my knees. I tried to fight back by not letting my limbs touch the snow covered floor and lifting my body up from the ground with my legs, but soon after, I had eventually given up once my first knee hit the ground. Hopeless, and utterly out of breath, I quickly let my other knee fall to the ground, and soon my entire body was threatening to crumple, for Erik was still pushing me to the ground, even though I had already given up. He put so much downward force on me, I could feel bruises being left on my skin, though I suppose it was my fault for struggling against him. Also, my shortness of breath got in the way, making me weak and not able to get back to my feet. Yet I still squirmed in his grasp of my body, screaming and twisting out of his strength.
There was always someone greater in power then me, no matter how much I trained or fought, there was always someone quicker and stronger, and that person for me, was Erik. Every single thing in the world fell in the same pattern. I was sure there was something stronger than Erik that could make him break- there had to be! - But I didn't know what it would be.
Out of nowhere, tears of utter frustration and desperation swelled up in my eyes, threatening to fall down my colorless, cold cheeks. As if on cue, the tears streamed down my cheeks and blurred my vision but I still fought as hard as I could to loosen his grasp, but it wouldn't break! Why wouldn't he let me go? Why wouldn't he let me free? Over the edge- I had to get over the edge!
That was until, the unthinkable happened. Suddenly, the wind died down just a little to become a pleasant, gentle breeze. The air itself became warmer and more appealing to breathe than having it freeze your lungs like it did before. The enormous snowstorm relaxed to only a calm fall of snow as if it was a beautiful summer night. It seemed the whole world stopped its chaos for a few moments of quiet peace. At that point I still couldn't think straight, but I did know something had stopped my desperate plea for death as I found my face buried in the folds of Erik's cloak- cheeks still stained with tears, and covered with new ones. And even if I was still sobbing my eyes out, I felt more at peace than I ever did in these last few months. Peace...it felt strange to be cast on such a broken soul, yet I could feel it deep in my head, soothing my thoughts and actions to a helpless cry. A warm sensation wrapped around my body, rippling throughout my nerves and sending blissful shivers of comfort into my flesh. What was this? Never once in my life had I seen something so broken and violent go to a complete state of peace.
What happened? Why wasn't I trying to get away anymore? What made me this helpless child I just became crying in the chest of the man who caused all this? No doubt- Erik still held a firm grip on me as I sobbed but there was something different he was doing. What was he doing to make me this calm?
The feeling came without any warning, for moments ago, I was ready to rip someone's head off without a sliver of regret. Now, my anger was gone, and the only thing I could feel was heartbreak. Every feeling that I hid from myself for all those months started to invade me, leaving me starting to sob like a child who lost their parents, burying my head within the folds of the warm material.
Searching for answers, I timidly looked up from the frozen material of his cloak and found my eyes meeting the color gold, a shade so brilliant it only existed in his eyes. There was nothing I could do at that moment but stare into those orbs. Though, in fact, nothing had changed- not the wind nor the air- it felt as if his eyes were giving off the heat I so desperately needed at that moment. However, I soon realized that the ends of his cloak were wrapped around my torso and everything else it could cover, explaining the warm feeling that bubbled up inside me. After a moment, I felt him brush some snow off my cheekbones, and he instantly took me into his arms, my cheek pressed against his chest.
As if a spell was casted on me, I instantly didn't feel any hate or prejudice or any foul feelings for him anymore. They were all banished from my head. All I could feel was his heat radiating off his body and wrapping around me just like his cloak was doing.
I couldn't think of anything, for I was too dumbstruck to even attempt. No words were spoken between us for a while, for there was none to explain the bond that had just taken place between us. At that moment, I felt like I could trust him with my life, no matter the past that tortured us both. What the Persian said to me was true- he had been living in the same kind of hell I experienced for the same amount of time, though I didn't know what kind of torture he'd been though. It must have been no different from mine, for when we embraced I could feel him tranquilize to my touch, just like I had done to him. I realized that he had hurt himself just as much as he hurt me.
There was a sudden burst of warmth that exploded in the pit of my stomach. It invaded my stomach and spread like wide fire out to my limbs until my entire being was filled with this unknown sensation. What was this feeling? Puzzling me even more, it didn't feel like an emotion, but a real life feeling that actually affected my body.
This warmth made my eyelids heavy with exhaustion and threatened to close them within a fraction of a second. There wasn't time to try and think what this feeling was, for it instantly consumed my mind and I couldn't do anything but surrender. The last thing I saw was the folds of Erik's dress shirt pressing against my cheek, then everything went black.
Please Review! What did you think of Lizzie's "suicide"? Her thoughts about everything? Erik coming to save her? What do you think will happen next?