I've been wanting to work on this for a while, but I didn't really write much for a few weeks there. Lack of motivation and excessive distractions, I guess. I was planning on updating before Christmas, but I spent the Friday before working on "The Substitutes" all night and laughing about Garth Marenghi's Darkplace. Now I'm taking the week off from that to update this. Granted, the chapter might be sort of sucky. I'm not terribly inspired to work, and I need to go to bed early tonight, so I've got to make this a quick one. Enjoy!
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Chapter Ten: The Church Riot
Leon, being the disgusting, walking-disease-bag sort of person he is, had made a necklace out of the dead crows and was wearing it around his neck with pride.
The two cops avoided him like the plague, afraid that they were going to catch Avian flu, or something. In their case, I'd be more worried about the diseases Leon could already be carrying.
They passed through an exit at the end of the corral-like structure, and found themselves facing two different sets of doors.
"Eenie meenie minie - " Leon started, getting cut off by Dri.
"Logic would dictate that we check the paths out in chronological order."
Leon stared at him blankly. "…Meaning?"
"We take each set of doors in order."
"… … Also meaning?"
"We take the blue doors first, because they're closest to us."
He shrugged, still not getting it. "Whatever you say, Einstein."
They went through the blue doors and ended up in an underground cavern with a dock. Leon immediately ran over to the water happily, and for no apparent reason, except maybe some secret bloodlust, began shooting all the fish swimming in the river. "I bet all these fish got here by being flushed down toilets."
The two cops, deciding it would make more sense to look around without him, walked over to the Merchant's stand, aptly named "Pueblo's Only Artillery Mini-Mart".
They looked at the vast amount of weapons lining the walls of his little stand.
"Where in the hell did you get all this stuff?" Pas asked.
"That's a bit of a personal question, stranger," the Merchant replied with a sly expression.
Dri studied a rocket launcher suspiciously. "You know, a lot of drug runners get stuff like this from the black market. What are you selling, man? Meth, coke?"
"No, I specialize in selling LSD."
The three of them stared at each other for a long time.
"What're ya buying?"
"What do you have that costs $37?" Pas asked, and the Merchant laughed.
"Stranger, you can't be serious."
Dri grabbed a rifle and shot the Merchant in the crotch, who promptly died… Or at least seemed to die.
"Quick, let's loot the place."
"I don't think so, stranger." The Merchant was now standing behind them, aiming a rocket launcher. "You try that again, and you won't like me."
"Okay, okay, fine. We'll buy our weapons like normal people who don't do background checks or give any forms of ID," Dri murmured, pushing past him to go get the idiot and leave.
"I don't like him now," Pas said under his breath.
They found Leon now threading dead fish onto a rope, making another disgusting necklace.
"What is wrong with you? Why do you keep wearing dead things??" Dri asked incredulously.
"It keeps away the radioactive mutant goblins," Leon replied, and they stared.
"I don't want to know what dimension you came from."
"Earth. Oh wait, that's a planet…"
"Yeah, obviously one that you're not from," Pas answered.
"Then what planet am I from?" Leon asked, and a stupid smile spread across his face. "Krypton! That means I'm Superman!"
"We're leaving," the cops said in unison and Mom mooed in agreement, rather amazed by how stupid a human being could possibly be.
"Wait, don't leave me down here!"
A few minutes later (although it felt like hours), the group had gone through the other doors and was wandering down a long incline between two cliffs. It was eerily silent, but given the fact that everything in this particular part of Spain was creepy, the four didn't notice. Incredible.
Up on the cliff…
Three villagers were watching the two cops, the government agent and the bovine defector stroll along casually.
"It's time," said the old man, starting to push the boulder. It didn't budge. "Why isn't it… HEY! Why aren't you pushing?!"
The one, polishing a pitchfork, looked up. "You didn't say to start pushing. You only said 'its time'."
"Well, I figured you would know what that would mean. Come on!"
The two pushed, and it still didn't move.
They both glared in the direction of the third guy, who was watching episodes of Hamtaro on YouTube. "… All of your dreams will come true. Come on and sing this secret spell, it's just for you! Think of all the love we'll bring…"
"Jackass, put down the iPhone and get your ass over here!"
"But – fine." He begrudgingly set it down and began pushing on the boulder with them.
It finally rolled off the cliff, landing with a thud below before rolling down the path and crashing into a rocky wall.
"Damn it! We missed them!"
The guy with the iPhone shrugged innocently. "Don't look at me."
At the end of the path…
There was a loud scream as a villager was thrown off the cliff behind them, which the four ignored. They found themselves in front of a couple long docks intersecting a swamp.
"I'm scared," Leon said, looking around the ominously-devoid-of-life swamp.
"Go to hell," Dri said, and a villager came running at them.
"Run! Esteban put dynamite everywhere and if you don't go you'll get blown apart like cookie in a tornado! I'm gone!" he was screaming, waving his arms wildly.
"Did he say 'Run because Esteban is everywhere and I'm going blow you like a cookie'?" Leon asked, eyebrows raised so high they seemed to have disappeared.
The villager stopped when he got up to them, and grabbed Leon by the arms, shaking him. "You're going to die in an explosion of blood and guts!"
"Let go of me, freak! I'm not 'going to fly in an implosion of floods and nuts'!" Leon shouted, shoving the guy so hard he stumbled backwards into a dynamite line blocking the path and exploded.
"That wasn't even remotely close to what he said," Pas complained, but the government agent wasn't listening. He was already heading for the small shack at the end of the first dock.
When the others joined him (Mom standing safely to the side of the doorway, certain something bad was about to happen), he was peering up at something on a shelf.
"AHH!" Dri screamed like a little girl, "IT'S A SNAKE!"
Pas looked at him funny. "Of all the terrifying things we've seen in this weird place, a snake scares you?"
Leon was playing with it. "Poke. Poke. Poke, poke, poke. Poke, poke, poke. Double poke!"
Dri watched in horror as Leon poked the snake repeatedly in the head. "Leave it alone, moron!"
"Why?" This time when Leon poked the snake, it grabbed his hand in its jaws. "Oh, fuck! Get off, you bastard!"
He began waving his hand around crazily, trying to shake it off, and when that didn't work he decided to punch it. The only problem with that scenario was that, since it was hanging onto him, his fist wasn't about to collide with it… Instead, his fist collided with Dri's face.
Dri hit the dock, while the snake let go of Leon's hand. And landed right on his chest.
Rubbing his nose, Dri picked his head up and spotted the snake on him. "AHH!"
"Hold on, man! I'll get it off!" Leon went to kick the snake off, and kicked the cop in the ribs instead. The snake slithered off into the water, agitated by the whole experience.
Mom shook her head, mooing in exasperation.
"I hate you!" Dri wheezed, trying to catch his breath.
"Seriously? I really like you. And I'm glad I'm not alone in this freaky place," Leon said, trying to make the angry cop feel better.
"I want to go home. Can we just get this over with?" Dri whined.
"Sure. When we complete my mission, can we reenact the end of Star Wars, where that song plays and Han Solo goes around hugging everyone?"
Dri and Pas exchanged looks. "No."
"Well, at least Furby likes the idea." Leon suddenly pulled out a Furby. "Hi, Furby!"
"Party pants!" Furby exclaimed.
"Why does he still call me that??"
Meanwhile, at the church…
Saddler had taken Ashley to the church to show her around the place where people came to worship him... And were presently doing so as he talked. At the moment, though, Ashley seemed to be more interested in taking a load off her feet and stuffing her face with whole habanero peppers, while the churchgoers eyed her uneasily from the other pews.
"Isn't it great? Now picture the entire world with churches like this in every town!"
"Yeah, yeah."
"And you're the one who will make it happen. I love you, my darling," Saddler said, getting all mushy even though his followers were listening.
"Look, I'm trying to eat here," she grumbled.
"Are you okay? You've been acting a little weird."
"Weird? WEIRD?!" Ashley threw the basket of peppers across the room. "I'll show you weird!"
She got up and began running for him, like a football player on crack, pushing followers out of the way and maiming many of them.
"Oh boy." Saddler ran around the room, managing to dodge her by jumping the pews like hurdles and bolting for the ladder, while villagers tried to stop her and got thrown violently into the altar.
He was about halfway up the ladder when a hand grabbed his foot. "Am I acting weird now?!"
He shrieked, kicking his wife-to-be in the face, and scrambling up the ladder as fast as he could. He hid in the second floor store room (which had been meant to become a bathroom, but they ran out of money and so there was only one bathroom in all of Pueblo and it wasn't accessible to women) hoping she wouldn't find him there.
Her footsteps thundered up the ladder and towards the door, which flew open like the Hulk was about to come in, and the pudgy blond stormed in. "YOU!" she said in a demonic voice, pointing at him and he screamed bloody murder, throwing a cinderblock at her.
She dove for him, but he jumped out of the way, sending her face-first into the wall. As she was getting up, he ran out of the room, slamming and locking the door behind him.
Ashley pounded on the door so hard that Saddler thought it was about to fall off the hinges. "Let me out! I'll punch you so hard, your head will detach from your body and fly over New York City!"
As remotely threatening as that sounded, Saddler wasn't about to let her out until she cooled off. For everyone's safety, not just his own. He looked over the edge of the second floor, seeing villagers scattered in painful positions all over the place, moaning.
He sighed. "Is it too late to call off this world domination thing?"
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Heh, that was a very weird chapter. This is what you get when I don't have any ideas and I'm pulling things out of the air. The last part was my favorite, actually – I had a load of fun writing that! And that Furby part, oh God… I still have a couple Furbies. A black one and a Dalmatian one. My friend thinks it's hilarious because the Dalmatian one is narcoleptic – if you wake it up, it says 'Me sleep again' and goes right back to sleep.
Alrighty, well, I should call it a night I suppose. I'll try to update this sooner next time, seeing as it's one of my most popular stories… And the three stories that I co-write are on hold because my co-writers are all busy…
Well, that's it for now. Leave me a review and let me know what you think!