Doesn't Anybody Know We're In Palisades?

By Malkmusian aka That Guy In Everclear

Chapter 10: Your Uncle Is Very Powerful

In the car, Elly was very mad at the gang for spilling hot coffee all over her crotch.

She yelled to the gang, "You did this to me! You meant to! I'm now in pain because of you! I wish I never kept up with you all!"

Ulrich replied, "Hey, Elly, if you're going to be livid, give us back our gift card!"

Elly retorted, "No, Ulrich. You gave it to me as a gift. You know I love you as friends and Lance pushed Hopper, who pushed the cart, but I need to vent about the accident! I need to vent about it! I need to, I need to!"

Aelita said to Elly, "Elly, stop venting towards us. Do you do it at Phil and Joel?"

Elly sighed and said very sarcastically, "Well, Hopper. I do vent at them, but would you settle for hot coffee burning your crotch and ruining your favorite pair of 501s? I don't think so! Now we're almost to his house and stay seated."

Aelita slumped in her seat, but Elly retorted, "That's bad posture for your back!"

Meanwhile, at the Vercetti house, Tommy and Ken are still in their car when, out of nowhere, Tommy realized, "We ran out of gas."

Ken replied, "Tommy, I knew that! I tried telling you for thirty minutes, but you thought the car just wouldn't start. Nice going, Hal Warren."

"Well, if Elly and them are coming here soon, I'm going to go in. See you, Ken."

"Okay, Tommy," and his boss left the car.

Ken got out of the car after a few minutes and pushed it near the garage to little avail. He ran inside and saw Tommy, dressed in a maid's outfit, trying to upkeep the house.

He said to his boss, "Tommy, why are you that crazy to bring a good environment to Hopper?"

Tommy replied, "Well, Ken. If you were the biggest man in Vice City, wouldn't you do this for your niece?"

"Yeah, but-"

"Shut up, Ken."

Ken Rosenberg walked away and let Tommy clean the house while cross-dressing. He knew that a gang was coming over. He didn't know which gang. He had gotten in so much trouble with many gangs, everybody wanted to kill him due to his cocaine habits and not paying back debts.

On Starfish Island, Elly's car pulled up into Tommy's driveway.

Elly said to the gang, "Now, you Lyoko Freaks. You better behave or else you will die! NOT THE PIT! IT BURNS!!" and they all got out.

Most of them were mad at Elly, but Elly was mad at them. She was glaring at them as she left. Finally, when she wasn't in sight, a moan was heard.

Aelita said, "Gang, let's go in," and they followed her inside the mansion, thinking that the moan came from inside there.

Odd listened closer and said, "Aelita, the moan came from outside. I have a good ear for sound and I can tell you it isn't in your uncle's mansion. I don't even feel good here. Can we spend the night at some other person's house?"

Aelita replied, "NO! We are not going to check into a hotel! We can stay here for free! I know my uncle and he knows me well!" and walked further in.

Ulrich, Yumi, and Jeremy followed Aelita while Odd went outside to investigate the sound. He walked further until he saw Elly's car parked on the street…with a crying Elly inside of it.

Odd ran to it, knocked on the window, and said, "What's wrong, Elly?"

Elly dried up her tears and said, "Oh, nothing, Odd. I'm not crying."

Odd shook his head and replied, "I saw you cry, Elly. Tell me what's wrong. I MEAN IT!"

Elly, however, couldn't keep happy for long, so she cried and confessed to Odd, "I'm just remembering the good times I had with my dad. It's such a shame that the asshole known as J.D. Fortune killed my dad with his cruel, cruel ways."

Odd stood there for a minute.

Elly said to him, "Odd?"

Odd, after a few seconds of silence, replied, "J.D. Fortune killed your father. Is that true or is that because you think he's not going to be as good as your dad in INXS?"

Elly then said, "It's 100 true, but I saw something else that really differed him from the J.D. Fortune in the news. I remember when I got a glimpse of him on TV. He didn't have that African-American-like voice, as with the guy who killed my dad. That's what caused Joel and Phil to forget the real me."

"Okay, so what's next? I must go back to the mansion. Aelita and the gang still think that the moaner's inside."

"Don't tell them that I moaned. They might get pissed at me."

"Alrighty," and Odd ran off to the mansion.

Meanwhile, inside the mansion, Aelita and the gang were at the front of the mansion, looking around from a person in pain or sorrow. They were fruitless for about 5 minutes. Finally, Aelita caught a glimpse of a man's shadow.

She said, "This must be the moaner, guys," and the gang walked closer to the shadow.

A voice replied, "Stay where you are! I am not hurt!" and the gang stayed where they were.

The shadow walked closer as the gang stood there. Finally, the shadow got out of the shadow and revealed himself to be Tommy Vercetti.

Aelita said to Tommy, "T-t-t-t-Tommy? Is that you?"

Tommy replied, "Come here, Aelita," and Aelita proceeded to hug him.

The gang looked at him with a surprised look. They had heard about all of his crimes and how he defeated the Mafia from taking over Vice City. They didn't know he was a nice man who wanted to be in the printing business.

At that point, Odd came in and said, "I found the moaner!"

However, a bucket of water situated over the door frame spilt down on Odd's head, washing off his purple dot and ruining the spike.

Odd stood there for a minute and then said, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"

Tommy stopped hugging Aelita and said to Odd, "It was a primitive security system used back in the old days. I was trying to prank Ken, as he keeps thinking that I'm his client."

Odd replied, "What? You ruined my hair, man!" and Tommy suddenly donned a barber man's outfit.

The gang was amazed at Tommy's sudden wardrobe change while Tommy cut Odd's hair to a shorter, but better, length. Alas, Odd didn't have the big spike anymore. His hair had multiple spikes in it.

Odd said to Tommy, "Thanks for cutting my hair, man. I needed a haircut sooner or later, but what about my FUCKING PURPLE SPOT?"

Tommy slapped him and replied, "Don't use that language around me, you whore!"

Odd got out a bottle of purple hair dye and put it where the spot was meant to be. He put it up in his bookbag and walked to the gang, who were shocked at Odd's sudden use of the word "fuck".

Odd said to them, "What? I needed to express my anger!"

Aelita replied, "But you didn't have to go that fucking far," and covered her moth somewhat.

After that, the gang sighed in relief, as Aelita had made it clear that it was okay to say the word "fuck".

A few minutes later, the gang was in the living room, where most of them were sitting on the couch while Tommy, Ken, and Aelita sat on another couch. For a while, there was awkward silence.

That was, until Odd said, "Well, guys, why are we being silent? Can't we all just talk?"

Tommy replied, "Shut up. I wanna hear if he's coming," and looked out the window.

No cars were in sight; not even suspicious, kinda-looks-like-they-have-been-submerged vehicles were driving on Starfish Island.

After he looked out the window, watching for suspicious activities, Tommy said to the gang, "Well, guys. What are we waiting for? Let's have a conversation!"

Yumi raised her hand and said, "Mr. Vercetti, why do you claim to be Aelita's uncle?"

Tommy pulled out a photo of him and Franz as kids and handed it to Yumi.

Yumi looked at it and replied, "Oh."

Meanwhile, Aelita took a breather in the kitchen until she started to have these massive headaches, a sign of flashback times. She continued to have the headache until she suddenly went back in time to 1986, a time of violence and drug abuse.

Aelita and her dad were at the mansion, staying over on a business trip. However, because they happened to be staying at the mansion while Tommy, Sonny, and Lance were having that infamous argument over the Mafia, they hid in the bathroom so they wouldn't get shot.

Franz said to her under the sink, "Look, Aelita, if we get out alive, in which I hope we do, we're never leaving France! Ever!"

Aelita replied, "But America is fun!"

Franz retorted, "America is for overrated British indie rock bands!"

Aelita was silent and then she said in a whisper, "Yes, daddy."

Suddenly, Lance barged into the bathroom, looking for any guests at the Vercetti Mansion, and saw Franz sitting on the toilet.

Lance said to him, "What in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Franz replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? Selling drugs? Making video games? Hiding from your insipid violence? That's what I'm doing! Hiding from your violence! Your useless violence! I don't believe there should be violence, but as the Bible said…"

Lance interrupted, "I'm atheist, Billy Graham Asscrapper! Now, take this with me!" and forced a concoction down Franz' throat.

At the same time, Lance drank a similar concoction and said, "Well, buddy, here's to death."

Suddenly, Aelita opened the sink door to witness the scariest transformation since Bing Crosby turned into John Belushi while tap-dancing with Danny Kaye. She saw that her father's skin turned darker and darker until he was a carbon copy of Lance while Lance stripped off his skin and became a carbon copy of Franz. At that point, she fainted.

Later on in the day, Ken opened the door to see Lance-as-Franz and Aelita in the tub.

Ken said, "It's okay now. Those idiots will never defeat us now!"

Lance-as-Franz replied, "Okay. As for me and Aelita, we're going out."

"So soon?"

"Yes. My wife wants me."

After the flashback was over with, Aelita tried to cry heavily, but didn't have the strength.

Odd saw her on the floor, breathing heavily in a croaky voice.

He said, "What's the matter?" and hugged her.

Aelita replied, "Thanks, Odd. I had a very bad flashback, a very bad one."

"Well, if you're 16, why in the world are you making a big deal over a flashback?"

"It hurt. It was so sad. It was like Lorenzo's Oil without the crippled kid who drank cooking oil…or Nick Nolte, for that matter."

"Well, just to let you know, I love you."

"What?"

"Nevermind!"

Aelita walked off while Odd said to himself, "Man, I was so close! I was so close, but I missed it by a lot!"

Later on in the day, after working on her school paper in the guest bedroom, Aelita felt like she was so dirty, so she grabbed her Michael Stipe-scented shower gel/shampoo and conditioner, a towel, and a change of clothes. She walked to the bathroom and locked the door. From there, she stripped down to her natural self and turned on the shower. When she saw steam forming on the Plexiglas windows, she walked in with her shower gel/shampoo and conditioner and started to cleanse herself of the dirt and filth that had accumulated on her during the past week. As she washed, she felt a tingling sensation come down her back, as if somebody was soothing her with Nick Drake's "Pink Moon" with a mandolin.

After she had cleansed herself and felt no more of the sensation, she turned off the shower, closed her bottle of shower gel/shampoo and conditioner, and dried herself off. After drying herself, she changed into a clean pair of undergarments, and then into a pink t-shirt, khaki shorts, and pink slip-on sneakers. As she put on her shoes, she felt a pain on one of her feet. She took one shoe off and saw a bleeding nail-sized gash on the balls of her foot. As she saw this, she cleaned it, put on a bandage, slipped on a pair of socks for protection, and put her shoes back on. After that, she was finally clean and she was ready to walk out.

Aelita stood on the staircase until she saw the gang, all cleaned up from their showers, but more able for Vice City's hot temperatures. As she saw this, she sighed and walked to them.

She said to Jeremy, "HOW are you?"

Jeremy replied, "How are YOU?"

"Well, I'm confused on where we're going."

"Aelita, if you hadn't worked on your paper for those three hours and had the flashback about your father, then you would know that Tommy told us that we're going to Bareback Jack's Grill over at the former Little Haiti section of this town. If only I knew where Little Haiti was."

Aelita popped in the earbuds for her iPod and turned it on to some random rock song. She and the gang walked out the door and climbed into a van big enough to fit the gang. As they got in, Tommy hopped into the driver's seat.

He said, "Now as to continue some good fun, I beg of you to stop taking nostalgia trips and listen to some of this country music."

All of the gang put up their iPods and placed them in their pockets.

With that, Tommy replied, "Good job," and backed out of the driveway.

He turned toward Downtown Vice City and drove towards there.

While driving towards the restaurant, Tommy turned on the radio, which was set to a country station that replaced V-Chat in the 1990s. The DJ was named Fred Toucher and he had some sort of rasp to his voice. He spoke with an ever-changing inflection.

Toucher said into the microphone, "This is DJ Fred Toucher over here on K-Rose and I got free tickets to a Garth Brooks concert headlined by Chris Gaines! Sorry, guys. These are collectables. The concert has long passed, but anyhoo, here's a request from Mr. Tommy from Vice City. He wants some Chris LeDoux played on the radio. Well, I'll give him some Chris LeDoux!" and suddenly, "Cadillac Ranch" by the aforementioned artist started to play.

As the opening of the song came to the verse, Tommy sang in a very loud, obnoxious voice:

"Well the well went dry and the cow did too
And daddy didn't know what to do
The banker came by the house one day
He said he's gonna take the farm away
Then mama came up with a plan
My brother and me started up a band
My sister put a sign on the roof
And daddy bought a case of 90 proof

There we called it the Cadillac Ranch
They're parking cars in the old bean patch
There's a bar in the barn and the place stays packed
Till the cows come home at Cadillac Ranch

Now the only thing that we raise is cane
You don't need the sun or rain
Just some neon lights saying some ice cold beer
Keeps everything green around here
Mama takes the cash at the door
My brother and me keep them out on the floor
My sister sets them up at the bar
And daddy kicks back with a big cigar

There we called it the Cadillac Ranch
They're parking cars in the old bean patch
There's a bar in the barn and the place stays packed
Till the cows come home at Cadillac Ranch

Well we gave all the cows away
Now the only horns around here today
Are the ones up on the grill
Of a genuine '59 Coupe Deville

There we called it the Cadillac Ranch
They're parking cars in the old bean patch
There's a bar in the barn and the place stays packed
Till the cows come home at Cadillac Ranch

There we called it the Cadillac Ranch
They're parking cars in the old bean patch
There's a bar in the barn and the place stays packed
Till the cows come home at Cadillac Ranch!"

As the song drew to a close, Tommy pulled into the parking lot for Bareback Jack's and said to the gang, "Sorry I freaked you out with my awful singing. We're here."

The gang got out of the van and walked inside the restaurant, where the people started to look at them.

A waitress walked towards them and said, "Hello and welcome to Bareback Jack's Grill. How many is in your party?"

Tommy replied, "6 of us."

The waitress grabbed six menus and the gang followed her to a booth/grill.

Jeremy asked Tommy, "If this was built over Little Haiti, then would they be violating building codes?"

Tommy replied, "To be honest, Little Haiti exploded in 1987 after Mamie Pouliet or whatever her name was cooked a batch of explosive stew. One drop spilled and BOOM! The district went sky high! After that, grass covered it until the current owners of this lot came and built this in 1997."

Jeremy said, "Oh," and the waitress walked to the table with their drinks, all Dr Peppers, and placed a 20-pound slab of pork on the grill.

Tommy said to the gang, "Well, dig in and cook it. This is the life."

Aelita sliced her piece of pork and started to cook it with ingredients similar to that of a Jamaican patty, except without the beef and the pastry.

Suddenly, a voice called to Aelita, "Come here," and she did what that voice called her to do.

As she walked closer to the voice, she saw that it was Elly, who was eating on the gift card they had won earlier in the day.

Elly said to Aelita, "Hey, Aelita! How's it going?"

Aelita said nothing, as she felt insulted.

Aelita then said with an angry inflection, "Why'd you falsely accuse me of spilling hot coffee on your lap?"

Elly replied, "Oh. I was trying to scold Odd, but then I got mad. I guess I had my dad on my mind."

Phil and Joel, who were dining with Elly, suddenly remembered the experiences that had with Elly and the Hutchences.

Phil said to Elly, "I remember the good times now, not just when you became Evil. Let's never forget high school," and proceeded to hug her.

Elly pushed Phil away and hugged Joel, who said to her, "I don't like you! You're too nerdy!"

Elly started to cry and Aelita walked back to her table with tears in her eyes.

Tommy hugged her and said, "You reunited with an old friend, eh? I felt the same way when Ken and I reconciled. That was so much of a life-changing deal for me. No longer did I try to use violence as a tool to be a good businessman. I just read up on business and went to business school while Ken quit drugs."

Aelita replied, "Okay," and saw that her pork was done.

She took it off the grill and started to eat it.

After dinner, the gang went to the van and waited for Tommy to come.

Finally, he came and said, "Sorry I was late. I had to get me a novelty t-shirt. Ever since I retired, I've been obsessed with novelty t-shirts."

He cranked up the car and a voice told him, "Gas is running on empty. You have 15 miles left on your tank. You better fill up at a gas station or you'll be screwed. I mean it."

Tommy said to the gang, "Guys and girls, I'm gonna have to get gas and since this car takes diesel, you better run out and go inside that convenience store."

He took out his cell phone and dialed Elly's number.

He said to her, "Hey, Elly. I'm gonna have to get gas. Do you need to get any? You do? Well, meet me at the BP on Starfish Island in a couple minutes, alright? I love you, too. Bye," and hung up the phone.

The gang looked at him and suddenly put in their earbuds for their iPods. They turned them on so they wouldn't listen to Tommy's obnoxious singing to "Rainbow in the Dark" by Dio.

Tommy drove the van to the BP station on Starfish Island, where a ruins of a fire-burnt mansion stood next to it. You may recognize the mansion as Jonathan Freeloader's vacation home. He pulled into a diesel filling area and the gang ran out while putting up their iPods. Aelita still kept her earbuds in, yet hid the actual technology in her pocket.

She walked inside the store to grab a Dr Pepper, a bag of salt and vinegar chips, and a Screwball. As she was waiting in the line to buy her stuff, she saw Elly standing in front of the bread aisle.

Aelita said to Elly, "What's up? I'm just getting a midnight snack to get rid of that taste of Jamaica in my mouth. Yes, the pork was good, but I put spices similar to a Jamaican patty."

Elly replied, "Well, can you let me have a bite of your Abba Zaba when you get done buying it?"

Aelita nodded her head and realized that it was her turn to check out.

Outside, June was fueling the sedan with 100-octane gasoline until she saw the same car that had pulled her over a few days ago. The car was coming next to her until it stopped.

June said to the driver, "Rya, I know it's you, so get out and show yourself!"

The driver replied, "No way. I'm not Rya. I'm even confused at your stupidity, your water head. You see, you caused all of this. You are the evil one. I'm the person who has the heroic qualities. You don't. Ha," while June got noticeably upset.

The driver continued, "You have no friends. I will hack every one of your social networking accounts so you can cry for me and become my slave. MY SLAVE!" and June pulled the driver out of the car.

Rya was on the ground, breathing, and said to June, "You were right. I'm no hero. I'm a faggot."

TO BE CONTINUED…