Title: It's All My Fault
f0 Author Name: Lying In An Angels Arms
f0 Rating: R/M
f0 Spoilers: Books 1-6. Written After Half-Blood Prince.
f0 Pairing(s): Draco/Harry
f0 Summary: Guilt is a funny thing. It makes the world seem so much...colder. Draco's guilty. Two deaths are on his conscious and the closest thing to a father he has now is hanging between life and death because of him. Guilt is a funny thing, it makes you wish you were dead. Draco's drowning in a sea of coldness and he can't grasp onto something. Can Harry Potter be that something?
f0 Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
BETA: Wrath Of The Digital Hazard
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/Warnings/
Slash! (Harry/Draco. Lucius/Severus)
Depression, Suicidal themes (no suicide depicted), Mild non graphic self harm
strong language, Sexual scenes, mild character deaths
--Mild Potions Abuse--
Chapter Nine: All you wanted
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I am weak.
I admit it.
I know it.
Magically, physically and mentally.
I get it.
I'm pathetic.
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I was premature at birth.
My parents were told I would not survive the first night.
Mother and Father kept me in their bed with them. Mother said that she wanted me with her, should I pass on during the night. Father thought he could save me. He fed some of Severus' potions to Mother and Mother had me suckle her teet, gaining the potion through her milk.
I survived, if only just, by their perserverence and Mother's wish to keep me near.
Mother had birthed four children before me, each one passing on quickly and leaving her alone.
Two had been stillborn, one had miscarried at six months and the last had passed away after one week outside the womb. No one knew what was wrong or what had caused their deaths. Severus made Mother potions but none worked.
It was like the gods did not wish another Malfoy to walk the earth.
And yet, here I stand.
Weak.
But still alive.
Sometimes I wonder why.
Why me?
Why was I allowed to live while they died?
What was so bloody special about me?
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The magic burned his skin, licking his flesh and clothing like the foul tongues of fire as he fought to bite back screams. Severus held no restrait and allowed his vocal chords to express the agony of his mind and body. Draco couldn't stand to hear those screams. Memories flashed before his eyes, like the rolling of muggle films sped up to near insanity. He barely saw the images as they flicked before him. Severus screaming. Severus crying. Severus yelling. Draco fighting against the restraining hands of two Death Eaters, yelling out for someone or something to stop whatever it was doing. Draco falling to his knees. Draco screaming. Severus reaching out a shaking hand, dirtied with blood, grime, dirt and other disgusting things. The hand grabbed Draco's and clung together, even as their bodies spasmed in pain. Together.
Draco shook free of the images, allowing one scream to tear from his throat before he fought back. He squeezed his eyes closed and threw himself at Severus, blocking the magic physically from touching the man who had protected him through worse than untamed magic. Draco fought to find his center, desperately trying to reach his dormant magic. With a scream, he flared his power, focusing to make it as cold as ice to battle the heat that Potter was exuding. Had his eyes been open, he would have seen bright blue light pouring from his skin, battling the red magic of Potter.
Severus was still screaming.
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Arthur Wealsey stood in the doorway to Draco's room, staring in disbelief as he watched the two teens, barely more than children themselves, battle magic-to-magic. It was a horrifying sight. He had seen what magic fights could do. They could burn, scar, disable and kill, all with only token magic. What these two boys possessed was more than token magic, making it more dangerous than anything Arthur had ever witnessed.
"Stop it!" Molly screamed, from beside Arthur in the doorway. All the Weasley children, save the twins, who had returned to their shop, and Charlie, who had traveled to headquarters to invite Remus over for dinner, stood behind their parents.
Harry did not seem to hear Molly's scream, magic continued to pour out of his core as Draco's magic seemed to battle and merge with Harry's at the same time.
"Harry!" Ginny yelled, trying to push past her parents. Her call was drowned out by Severus' screams as they reached an almost inhuman volume. Draco was still crowding over Severus, blocking most of the magic from touching him, however minute amounts still touched him and singed the skin available. Draco's back, which was facing Harry, began to blister with the heat as his power waned, allowing the red to sink through his shield of blue. Draco's shirt began to burn and he could no longer hold back his screams.
Arthur tried to throw himself at Harry, but the red magic was so hot that it burned his hands as he tried to reach into it to grasp the boy. Arthur cursed and stumbled back to the doorway, clutching burnt hands to his chest.
Draco's screams merged with Severus' and it seemed that that combined sound finally sunk through Harry's mind. The red disappeared with a flash of brilliant colors and Harry stumbled back, panting with exertion.
Draco's calls of pain abruptly stopped when the magic disappeared. He began to breathed slowly, heavily, desperately trying to regain his breath.
Severus continued to scream.
"Oh god," Harry gasped, sliding down the wall beside the door to sit down with a thump. The Weasleys rushed to his side. Ginny threw her arms around him and held tight. Ron clasped his shoulder and Molly hugged him. However, all their eyes remained on the two on the bed. Draco knelt over Severus, whispering something under his breath, but the man continued to scream.
"Your wand!" Draco yelled, looking desperately at Mr. Weasley. Arthur did not hesitate and hurried to the boy's side, sliding the nine inch cherry wand into the boy's shaking hand. Draco could have killed them all in their weakened state, but instead he stumbled back from the bed and pointed his wand directly at Severus.
"Expecto Patronum!" he practically bellowed. A slivery wisp spouted from the end of the wand but nothing more. He frowned and squeezed his eyes tightly closed. "EXPECTO PATRONUM!"
A silver serpant exploded from the wand and coiled in midair. Ginny let out a little shriek of fear and cuddled closer to Harry. Harry was hypnotized by the snake as it moved gracefully through the air to coil around Severus. It laid its head on the screaming man's chest and let out a low, soothing hiss.
Slowly, the screams stopped and Severus let out a low sigh, turning his head towards the snake's hiss and relaxing into the bed as if he had just been having a bad dream.
Draco dropped Arthur's wand and stumbled back to the bed. The snake did not disappear. In fact it tightened itself around Severus and let out a warning hiss towards the Weasleys, in case they thought to try and remove it from its charge. Draco sat on the edge of the bed and reached out a trembling hand to brush back Severus' hair from his eyes.
"Is... Is he okay now?" Molly asked, still clutching Harry's hand tightly in both of her own.
"No," Draco said with a bitter laugh. Though he sat facing them, he was looking at the man lying peacefully on the bed. "He's dying slowly. Potter's magic just released his vocal chords from the paralysis spell I'd cast on him."
"You'd paralysed him?" Ron asked, gaping. "Why the bloody hell did you do that?"
Draco sighed slowly and ran a hand through his limp blond hair. "Without being paralysed he would have killed himself, instinctively trying to get away from the mental turmoil. Call me selfish but I didn't want him to die just yet."
"Is there anything we can do?" Arthur questioned, seeing a look on Ron's face which said he was about to call Draco several other names other than 'selfish'.
"No."
"Nothing?" Molly asked, somewhat suspiciously eyeing Draco and Severus.
"No. I don't even know if I can do anything anymore."
"What about the Legilimency?"
Draco shrugged and glanced towards him, looking exhausted. "The Fleara curse has broken through his mind barriers. If anyone goes inside his mind, there is a chance the curse will be transferred to them instead of being destroyed. As soon as the Patronus is removed, he'll start screaming again."
"Vat doez ze patron's do?" Fleur asked, standing beside Bill and looking decidedly confused, horrified, and interested at the same time.
"It chases away the bad memories," Draco said almost in monotone. He was staring at the floor with a frown. They all fell silent, heavy breathing filling the room.
"All of you, get out," Draco said abruptly, startling everyone.
"What?" Arthur gaped.
"Oi, where do you get off telling us what to do?" Ron snapped. Ginny climbed to her feet, eager to leave the company of the two Slytherins. She tugged a still shaken Harry to his feet.
"Get out," Draco repeated, still not looking up.
"What are you going to do?" Arthur asked, somewhat concerned. He had not moved from the bedside where he towered over the two almost protectively.
Draco stood up and smirked at Arthur, though it was forced and looked as if it were drawing blood. "I'm going to try and save him."
"But it could kill you!" Bill pointed out and Draco couldn't look at him, the scars on the young redhead's face too fresh a memory to be looked at just yet.
"So?" Draco shrugged. "Severus will die if I don't. However, he has a chance of living if I do."
"That's almost Gryffindorish," Ron sneered, looking disturbed at the idea of a Malfoy acting like a Gryffindor.
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Draco heart panged at those words. He had thought along those same lines earlier. Not only had he failed his family by being weak, he'd failed Severus by being pathetic, and now he'd failed his house by acting like a Gryffindor. He seemed to be losing everything he thought he cared for.
He snarled, glaring at the Weasley though it lacked it's usual anger. While he was angry, it wasn't directed to anyone other then himself. "Me, a Gryffindork? I'd rather kill myself."
"Don't do us any favors," Weasley promptly responded, growling.
"Enough!" Mrs. Weasley interupted, placing a restraining hand on her son's shoulder. She looked at Draco with a frown. "I hope you know what you're doing, boy." She promptly bustled from the room, pushing her children from the room with her. Potter lingered in the doorway, slipping his hand from Ginny's, unnoticed in her rush to get away. Fleur and Arthur did not move from their positions.
"Vont you 'urt 'im, Mis'er Malfoy?" Fleur Delacour asked, her accent even heavier in her distress. Draco's shoulders were tense and he sat up straight, even though he appeared exhausted.
"No more than the curses already have, Madame Delacour," he said, tongue easily wrapping around her French name.
"Won't it hurt you?" Arthur asked.
"Possibly. I've never done this before, so I wouldn't know." Draco shrugged, wincing instantly and hissing as he drew a deep breath. His back felt like it was on fire.
"What's wrong?" Arthur demanded, sounding panicked at the look of pain on the blond's face.
"Nothing," Draco lied. "Just the Sumestpoenatas hex. Hurts when I move." Draco hadn't felt the hex since Potter had come into the room earlier. Hmph. So apparently Perfect Potty can't kill anyone. Great. Just great.
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Harry paled, feeling dizzy at the mention of the hex he'd cast on the other boy. The one that had made him think he was dying. Oh god, and I'm meant to be the hero, he thought in horror. All he'd done since he'd seen Malfoy was hurt him... a lot.
I did have a good reason though. He did kill the man who was practically family to me. All to save his own skin.
You'd do the same thing, a voice piped up from the back of his mind and he winced. He tried to deny it but he couldn't. He'd never been in a position to warrant such a thought. He didn't know, he just didn't know if he could have done what Draco had.
Was he brave? Or just a coward?
"Okay, you've all outstayed your welcome. Get out!" Malfoy snapped, making a shooing motion that should have been laughable to see done by the young Malfoy heir, but Harry couldn't drum up enough good will to laugh. Fleur peered at Malfoy with a thoughtful look. She reached up and plucked a single gold hair from her head, wincing. She stepped forward and held it out, waiting until Malfoy extended his hand before placing it on his open palm.
"Pour la chance," she said softly in her native tongue, before repeating her words in English. "For luck."
Malfoy looked stunned, while Harry and Arthur were confused.
"Merci beaucoup, Madame Delacour," Malfoy responded in a quiet tone, staring at the hair resting on his palm in disbelief. "But you shouldn't give this to me. Imagine what I might do with it."
Fleur gave a soft tinkling laugh that seemed to be softly mocking Malfoy but in a kind way. "'ou vill save 'our Severous, is vat 'ou vill do, Monsier Malfoy."
"Such faith," Malfoy sneered, closing his fist around the hair.
"Non, Monsier Malfoy. Espoir, not foi," Fleur responded softly with a smile. "Good luck, Monsier Malfoy." She left the room to find her fiancé, leaving the remaining people in silence.
"I didn't know you spoke French," Harry said, to fill the silence.
Malfoy snorted. "What you don't know could fill the Pacific, Potter."
"Oi!"
"Enough, boys," Arthur broke in before a fist fight could start. "Try to remember your ages, please. Harry, Draco is here with us until he and Severus are well enough to leave." Arthur reminded Harry before looking towards Malfoy with an amused look. "Draco, try to remember that Harry here broke through my wards and attacked you, and he could do it again if you annoy him." Malfoy shot Arthur and Harry death-glares before nodding stiffly.
"He leaves me alone. I leave him alone. Deal?" Malfoy said, phrasing the suggestion to Arthur instead of Harry.
"Deal," Arthur agreed for Harry, who huffed and left the room. Harry paused in the doorway and glanced back over his shoulder, hesitating. "Good luck, Malfoy," he said before hurrying from the room.
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I will never understand this boy, Arthur decided as he watched Draco sneer at the doorway where Harry had disappeared from view. When I first found him, he was hell bent on protecting Harry's location from me and now it's like he wants to antagonize the boy until he goes completely bonkers. Teenagers!
"Can I get you anything before you start?" Arthur asked the boy kindly.
"No," Draco said, adding, "Thanks," as an afterthought.
"You're welcome. Now, before you start tramping through Severus' mind, let's have a look at that back of yours," Arthur suggested, smiling at the shocked look Draco gave him. "Draco, I have six sons. I know when someone is lying, especially about being hurt."
"It's nothing," Draco said defensively, moving unconsciously away from Arthur.
Arthur frowned. "Draco, I burnt my hands just trying to touch the magic; you were physically blocking it from touching Severus for almost a minute. Your burns must be, forgive the bad pun, on fire."
Draco glanced over suspiciously. "You burnt your hands?" Arthur nodded. "Then go tend to your own damn wounds, old man!"
"I won't. Not until you let me check yours and put some salve on it," Arthur said stubbornly, ignoring the 'old man' insult. Draco glowered. "If you don't let me check your burns then I won't give you the salve for Severus'."
That worked. "Fine," Draco snapped, stiffening. Arthur beamed and grabbed his wand from where Draco had dropped it on the floor.
"Good. Thank you, Draco. Now, I'm going to vanish your shirt. I'll get you a new one that isn't burnt. Vanishing it means less pain than trying to slide it off without scraping your back," Arthur explained and with a flick, Draco's shirt was gone. He flinched and crossed his arms over his chest, ignoring the fire which seemed to erupt from his back as he moved his muscles.
"I've already seen them, Draco," Arthur said softly, walking over and sitting next to him on the bed. "Accio burn salve."
A bottle zoomed into the room, nearly belting Draco over the head as it flew into Arthur's palm.
"Sorry," Arthur said with a chuckle at the indignant look on the blond's face. "Now, lie down next to Severus on your front and I'll put this on."
Draco hesitated before turning and lying on his stomach, grateful that this also hid the scars which littered his chest. Arthur had already seen and tended to the scars but Draco still wished to hide them. They were disgusting. Still not as disgusting as the Dark Mark, which still deformed his left arm. He was happy to hide that too by lying face down.
Arthur hissed in a deep breath at the blisters and burns which covered Draco's back, disfiguring his skin and turning it a deep burgandy red. "This is going to hurt," he warned the boy, covering one hand in the thick green glop that was the burn salve. Draco nodded; he already knew it was going to hurt.
He didn't realise how badly though.
The cream was applied liberally and very carefully, though it still stung as if a new fire had been lit upon it. He bit his lip hard, drawing blood, as he tried not to scream.
Arthur hurried through applying the cream and it was over in a matter of minutes. He banished the bottle of burn salve and touched the back of Draco's head.
"All done," Arthur said lightly, though he was frowning. Draco nodded but made no move to sit up again. Arthur sighed. "Draco, just rest for now. Severus isn't going anywhere and you'll need your strength to help him."
"He's dying!" Draco snapped, glaring over his shoulder at Arthur, "and you want me to just lie here and sleep."
"Yes," Arthur said quietly. "How would he feel if he was saved at the price of your life? Just rest, Draco. Tomorrow is soon enough." He stood and left the room before Draco could argue.
Draco buried his face in the sheets, biting back a scream of frustration. A soothing hiss sounded from nearby and he raised his head, staring into the hypnotic green eyes of his Patronus snake. The snake uncoiled its tail from around Severus' legs and instead wrapped it around Draco's arm. Draco sighed and moved closer to Severus, enjoying the high feeling of the Patronus touching his skin.
Maybe I'll just rest my eyes for a little while, he reasoned with himself, closing his eyes with a yawn. Just for a little while.
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Harry sat in the Weasleys' lounge room, being fussed over by all. Molly pushed a warm cup of tea into his hands and Ginny had her arms wrapped around his waist tightly. Ron sat on the other side of Harry, resting a hand on his shoulder comfortingly. Bill and Fleur sat opposite to them on another couch, one which was falling apart under them. Molly bustled around the room, cleaning this and that while the children talked.
"Well done mate, you showed that Malfoy a thing or two," Ron congratulated and Harry blanched.
"R-Ron! I nearly killed him!" Harry protested, the hand holding his tea cup shaking violently. Bill reached over and took it from his hand, setting it on the coffee table so he wouldn't spill it all over his lap.
"It'd serve him right," Ginny muttered, tightening her hold on Harry. "He probably started it, right Harry?"
"No! He didn't," Harry said but paused. It was true. Harry had started it by storming into his room. Harry paled further, feeling sick. Oh Merlin, what have I done?
"Stop protecting the prat, Harry. You're too good for your own good sometimes," Ron said with a shake of his head.
"I'm not protecting him!" Harry growled. "I'm telling the truth! I went into the room and I was the one who got him riled up. He was defending himself."
"Prat probably planned it," Ron muttered, not one to let things go easily. At Harry's exasperated look, he held up his hands in surrender. "Alright mate, I believe you. Still think he's a prat though."
Harry gave a half smile. "Yeah, same here."
The two teenagers shared a grin while the rest in the room looked on in bemusement.
Molly heaved a gigantic sigh and shook her head at the two. "I have six sons and still I will never understand you teenage boys."
The room laughed and soon Molly joined in as well.
Harry leaned into the comfort of Ginny and smiled, glad he was home.
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He knelt by the throne, head tilted down. His hair was matted and filled with dirt and streaks of blood. It was disgusting. He craved a bath or a shower... hell, even a hose-down would do. But he would receive nothing until he had proved his worth again.
"Lucius, rise," a hissing voice commanded and Lucius obeyed quickly, head still tilted down out of respect and fear. Lord Voldemort smirked. "You failed me, Lucius. Your own kin failed me. Why should I keep you alive?"
It was a rhetorical question, so Lucius did not answer.
Voldemort laughed loudly, the sound echoing in the room that was filled with Death Eaters. "So obedient, Lucius. Such a good pet you'd make. Perhaps I should make you insane... that way you'd be a proper mindless pet, wouldn't you?" Another rhetorical question. Voldemort's smirk widened. "Ah, now I remember why I keep you around, Lucius. Because you have no feelings. No sentimental ties. Nothing. You are nothing. Bring out the traitor!"
The crowd moved and Lucius could not resist glancing towards them. A figure was shoved out, falling to his knees on the floor, bleeding heavily from a gash in his head.
"Evan Rosier, you went to school with Lucius, correct?" Voldemort asked.
"Yes, my Lord," Evan responded and Lucius winced, hidden amongst his hair.
"I did not say you could speak, worm! Crucio!"
Evan writhed and screamed in pain as Voldemort delighted in every sound. After a minute, he cancelled the curse, but Evan did not move from his spot on the floor.
"Lucius, if I told you to kill this man, you would do it, wouldn't you?" Voldemort asked with a feral smile. Lucius nodded. Voldemort laughed again. Evan jerked his head up to stare at Lucius in disbelief.
"Kill him then Lucius, if you can," Voldemort sneered and the Death Eaters laughed mockingly. Lucius lifted his hand, clenched his wand, and stared directly into Evan's betrayed eyes.
I'm sorry, Ev. I've got to do this. Forgive me, old friend.
"Avada Kedavra!"
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"Hermione!" Harry yelled, spotting the familiar bushy haired girl as she stepped from the Weasleys' fireplace. Hermione jerked her head up and grinned at her best friend.
"Harry!" She squealed and threw herself at him, ignoring the disgruntled look of Ginny, who had been clinging to his arm. Hermione locked her arms around his neck and was practically lifted off the ground as he squeezed her tight around her waist. They laughed as they pulled back.
"It's so good to see you," Hermione said with a warm smile. "Your muggles weren't bad?"
Harry laughed at the nickname Hermione had given the Dursleys. "No, not too bad. What about your muggles?"
"Oh, they barely knew I left," Hermione admitted, her face falling at the mention of her parents, who now did not even know they had once had a daughter.
"I'm sorry, Hermione," Harry whispered and she gave him a watery smile.
"It's okay. Now, what are we doing talking about sad subjects? It's been ages since we talked because those blasted muggles of yours took away Hedwig. Help me take my things up to my room and we can talk. I want to know everything," Hermione said with a grin. Harry nodded and grabbed one side of the trunk, waiting until Hermione had grabbed the other before carrying it towards the stairs.
Ginny glared at their retreating backs.
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"Where's Ron?" Hermione asked as they made it to the room she and Ginny would share. They dropped the trunk by the second bed, the one not covered in Quidditch blankets. Harry dropped down on Hermione's bed.
"Out playing seeker-to-seeker with Bill. Fleur's refereeing and Arthur's refereeing Fleur," Harry said with a grin. Fleur had a tendancy to be biased when it came to her fiancé. Hermione snorted and sat next to Harry on the bed. She tucked her legs up under her, arranging her skirt modestly to cover her and leaning against the wall.
"Alright, since we're alone. Spill, what did those muggles do this year?" Hermione said, motioning for Harry to lean against the wall too. He did, sitting about one inch from Hermione's side.
"Not much. Uncle Vernon was at work most of the time, Dudley's busy with boxing and Aunt Petunia was... strange," Harry admitted with a frown.
"Strange how?" Hermione pressed when he offered no more information.
In response, he reached into his shirt and pulled out the locket. She gasped at the shining silver, which seemed to glow.
"May I?" she asked quietly. At his nod, she reached for it and opened it, not bothering to remove it from his neck. She traced the smiling face of Lily Evans with an amazed look. "Where did you get this?"
"Aunt Petunia gave it to me. Apparently it was Mum's. She said she didn't want it in her house anymore."
Hermione nodded and turned it over, gazing at the inscription in thought. "Are you sure this was your Mum's?"
"Yeah, that's what Aunt Petunia said."
"It's beautiful; you're really lucky," Hermione said, letting the pendant fall back to Harry's chest. He nodded and tucked it under his shirt.
"Thanks," Harry responded with a faint smile.
"Anything else interesting happen?"
"Well," Harry said slowly with a frown, "the Weasleys are now housing two fugitive Death Eaters."
"WHAT?"
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Author's Note:
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Harry lacts tact xD
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I wonder if people know I get a e-mail when you add me to your alerts list...o.O
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Hope this was to your liking!
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"Non, Monsier Malfoy. Espoir, not foi," Fleur responded softly with a smile. - Espoir means Hope and Foi means Faith. So translated she said "No Mr. Malfoy. Hope, not Faith."
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:Giggle-Snorts: xD One of my friends said that this was turning into a Arthur/Draco because Draco's interacting more with Arthur then Harry! Don't worry HPDM fans, this shall be a Draco/Harry!...eventually. There are a few little hints of Drarry (like the snakes eyes :winks:) in this chapter. I hope you spotted them!
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.:Review Responses:.
NamelessLittleGirl: Thankyou! I'm so glad you like it.
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Ali-chan et Vani-chan: Sorry! I couldn't resist. Hope you're happy with the little Drarry smidges throughout this chapter.Sorry it wasn't updated earlier, I had studies I had to do and my beloved BETA was having internet drama xD Hope you like this chapter!
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TearsOfTheForgotten: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked it. I totally channeled my mother with all the "Language Harry!" You could bash your finger in a door, swear and my Mother will still yell at you about your language. My sister who's twenty eight still gets scolded for swearing xD Anyway, Hope you like this chapter!
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Thank you so much to my darling BETA Wrath for BETA'ing this chapter even though her internet was completely shot to pieces. You wrock!
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The next chapter should be out soon, me and Wrath have been chatting and it's got me inspired :winks:
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Review M'dears!
-Liaa