Understanding || Elsa

"Deciding whether or not to trust a person is like deciding whether or not to climb a tree because you might get a wonderful view from the highest branch or you might simply get covered in sap and for this reason many people choose to spend their time alone and indoors where it is harder to get a splinter."
― Lemony Snicket, The Penultimate Peril

Elsa had been awake hours earlier than she should have been. This on its own was no cause for concern. When Anna's memories had been taken, Elsa had started the habit of waking up early anyway as a sort of remembrance. "The sky's awake, so I'm awake" seemed not to be true for Anna anymore, who, as Elsa had heard, now liked to wake up long after the sun had risen.

What did concern Elsa was the ice she had found creeping up the bed's wooden headboard when she had woken up. Her stomach seemed to be trying to learn trapeze, and there was only one thing that could have caused it. Well, two really. Both were connected to Merlin.

The first was the fact that Merlin now knew she had magic. The one thing she had been supposed to hide. He said he knew Emrys, but did he really? Elsa had thought it over, and realized it did make sense. What better spy for Emrys to have? Was there any other position in the castle as close to the Prince as his manservant? Elsa had even debated the idea that Merlin was Emrys, but quickly turned it down. Emrys being a kindhearted young man with such a sense of humor just seemed too different, somehow. She hadn't told Kristoff any of her thoughts, or even that Merlin knew anything yet. She hadn't seen him yet that day, and she felt it would be impolite to wake him up so early just to hear her speculations.

The second thing that was making her anxious was the conversation that she'd had with Arthur the previous evening. Elsa might have stretched her words a little bit. Arendelle had more relaxed social statuses than Camelot, but the heir to the throne would still have been expected to marry someone that would benefit the kingdom, not just themselves as an individual. Arthur need not know that, though, not when she didn't have any other good cover up story for her connection with Merlin. That's the only reason. A story to fit what Arthur saw. A story that would keep him from asking too many questions.

Hours after Elsa had woken, the room was entered by Morgana's maid. Morgana herself had asked Elsa if she wanted arrangements for Elsa to have her own servants, but Elsa had refused. She found that being in solitude was what she was comfortable with. She was capable of getting a bath ready and ordering her belongings. The only things she did agree to let Guinevere and Merlin do was bring food and carry laundry.

That morning, Guinevere seemed to have just stopped by to see if Elsa needed anything, but when the Queen responded that she didn't, the serving girl didn't leave. Elsa had a brief moment of panic when she thought that, maybe, she hadn't quite covered up the patches of ice, and the servant had spotted them, but before Elsa could figure out a discrete way to check, Guinevere spoke.

"I just wanted to say," Guinevere hesitated again. "I just wanted to say that Merlin is one of my closest friends. And - and I hope it works out with the both of you."

Elsa was taken aback. How many people knew about what had happened? Would she be getting messages like this for the rest of her stay in Camelot? What exactly had she gotten herself - and Merlin - into? They weren't really together at all! They'd only met less than a week ago! Why was everyone so eager to rush into relationships?

"Thank you Guinevere," Elsa told her anyway.

"It's Gwen," the girl said.

Elsa smiled. "Thank you, Gwen. If you wouldn't mind giving me a warning… how many other people know about this exactly?"

Gwen looked surprised, and then she blushed. "Oh, no I didn't mean that people knew! Arthur told me. We haven't told anyone, we wouldn't want anything to happen to Merlin."

Arthur had told a serving girl? It took a few seconds for Elsa to process. This was her, the girl Arthur had been thinking of during their conversation yesterday. Elsa relaxed. For a moment there she had visions of all the servants and townspeople spreading this gossip all over town, when it was actually only Arthur and Gwen.

"That's a relief," she told Gwen.

Gwen bent into a miniature curtsy, and smiled before she left Elsa on her own again. Elsa almost felt sorry that the relationship was fake. From this point on, any friendship she would have with Arthur and Gwen would be built partially on lies.

She sighed. It couldn't be helped.

On the bright side, if it was late enough for Gwen to come in to Elsa's rooms, it was certainly not too early for Elsa to go to Kristoff's.

Elsa slipped into a casual, but still overly fancy in her opinion, day dress, and walked down the hall to the room in which Kristoff was staying.

"Elsa!" Kristoff exclaimed when he opened the door. Elsa wanted to laugh. The expression on his face was almost comical. Then she saw what he had seen. A trail of icy footprints were just fading from where she had walked down the hall, and the sleeves and skirts of Elsa's dress were dusted with Ice.

"Get in here, quickly," Kristoff ushered her inside and watched out the door for a few seconds to make sure the spots of ice faded. "What happened? I was just about to go find you, you shouldn't have walked all this way like this."

"Kristoff, calm down," Elsa found herself saying. "No one saw, I didn't even see until I got here. I guess I had so much else on my mind that I forgot to be careful."

Kristoff frowned. "You didn't… notice?" he said slowly.

"No!"

"Explain."

Elsa did so. She explained about Merlin knowing Emrys, their accidental cover story that Arthur and Gwen now believed, and about the ice. Kristoff didn't looked as shocked or irritated as Elsa had suspected he might be. He just looked resigned on the matter. It was what it was, he couldn't go back and change it. Elsa took this to mean that Kristoff had decided to focus on what to do next instead of what had been done.

"We need to get more information on Merlin," Kristoff said. "He knows too much about us now, we need something on him that can make sure he won't talk."

"What if there isn't anything?" Elsa asked.

Kristoff shrugged. "Then we just hope he's the honest type."

0o0o0o0o0

After sword training, Elsa didn't retreat to her room like she had on days previous. She and Kristoff took their horses and traveled down one of the riding trails Arthur had shown her the day before. It was well worn from years of use, and patches were still somewhat muddy from the rain two nights before.

"You told him to come, didn't you?" Kristoff asked. The castle was just disappearing through the curtain of tree branches, meaning no one would see them without coming down this path.

"He said he would be there. I only talked to him for a minute before training though."

Merlin hadn't stayed around to watch them sword fight. Arthur had given him some other thing to do, and the servant hadn't returned afterwards.

In about half an hour, the two arrived in the clearing Merlin had suggested. They had needed to veer off of the path for the last ten minutes, but Elsa supposed that was necessary if they wanted privacy.

"Are you sure we should have come here?" Kristoff asked, when at two minutes of standing in the clearing, no one showed themselves.

"I'm sure you won't regret coming," Merlin said, coming out from the bushes on foot.

Kristoff's hand hovered over the hilt of the sword in his belt, and he walked to stand between his Queen and the servant.

"You're the one who insisted on us meeting as a group somewhere, Kristoff." Merlin didn't stop his approach from halfway across the clearing. "No need to draw a sword on me.". A couple feet from them he stopped and sat down on a large granite boulder laying in the grass. "So what are we here to talk about, Kristoff?"

Kristoff krept forwards to sit on a stone across from Merlin, watching the other man as he slowly sat down, as if he expected Merlin to launch out at him or place a blade on his seat as Kristoff sat. Elsa sat down on the stone between the two, making their group into a triangle.

"I want to know," Kristoff said to Merlin, "How keeping our secret benefits you."

"How would it benefit me to tell anyone?" Merlin responded. "I'm a servant - Uther has no reason to believe a word I say. If, by chance, he took me seriously, all I would have gained is another chance to see someone burned alive."

"You don't seem to see magic as an enemy either," Kristoff reasoned. "You've kept Emrys a secret. How would it be too much for you to take us to him?"

"Emrys does not wish to reveal himself to you, just yet. If you have anything to say to him, you can tell me."

Kristoff and Merlin had some kind of stare-down to which Kristoff relented. Elsa could see all the places where his concern lay, after all, they were her fears as well as his. But at the moment, she didn't think that angering Emry's messenger would do them any good.

"When we left Arendelle, we stopped by a group of druid-like people," Elsa said. The boys turned away from each other to look at her. Elsa couldn't help but notice that both of them, although not quite friendly with each other, seemed to trust her. She continued, trying to keep their attention off of each other. "They told us that there had been a prophecy made, years ago. One that said that the true ruler of Arendelle would rise with the help of Emrys and the Once and Future King." No need to mention the ruler with the frozen heart. That would have her pointed out as a villain almost immediately. "So, we made our way here. We know that Arthur is The Once and Future King, but if we can't find Emrys, we don't know how to get started." There was so much Elsa wanted to ask the famed sorcerer. If anyone could help her with controlling her own magic, it would be him, wouldn't it?

"I'd encourage you not to worry about it too much, if you can get your mind off it," Merlin said. "Destinies are troublesome things, and will act themselves out, whether they are forced to or not. Emrys will take an interest in this, but first I - he has to know why you should rule Arendelle. How were you really driven out?"

Kristoff looked like he was about to protest, but Elsa raised a hand, and he quieted. "Of course." This time, she began with her sister again, but not just random silly stories, but with the morning everything had changed. The morning Anna had almost died, thanks to Elsa. She told of her imprisonment in her room, necessary to protect everyone outside of it from herself. She talked about her gloves, about her parents' deaths, about the coronation party where everything had gone wrong, about her ice castle, and about Hans showing his true colors.

It took a while. Sometimes Kristoff broke in to tell things from his and Anna's side of the story, some of which Elsa hadn't known about. Merlin listened quietly all the while. How would he ever remember all of this to share with Emrys? When Kristoff and Elsa were finished, they waited for Merlin's response.

"Can I see?" he asked.

Elsa and Kristoff exchanged a glance.

"You mean," Elsa wasn't sure she had understood correctly, "You want to see magic?"

Merlin nodded.

"You're not afraid?"

"I've seen Emrys."

That was a good point. If Emrys was as powerful as they said, Elsa's magic would me nothing in comparison. Elsa took a deep breath. She realized that this would be the first time she would be deliberately using her powers since she had freed herself from the prison in Arendelle. It felt good. She could let herself feel the power waiting below without feeling afraid of letting it out a little. She didn't have to think about it, she just let it go, and the ice would follow her instructions with ease.

Elsa forgot to worry about Merlin's response as she created the ice cottage. It wasn't as grand as her castle, and it was made of ice that would melt easily, but she enjoyed making it all the same. She challenged herself, and made a path of ice stones to the cottage gate, and a garden of frozen wildflowers popping out on either side.

Elsa stopped. She was getting carried away. She hastily trapped her magic back inside, and scanned the edges of the clearing for someone, anyone who might have seen her. There was only Merlin and Kristoff, Kristoff following the servant who had all too eagerly stepped through the front door of the small house.

"This is amazing," Merlin said in awe.

"This is nothing compared to my castle. And it's a bit lacking in refreshments, but," Elsa held out a freshly made snow cone. It didn't have flavor of course, but Merlin laughed and took it, his hands brushing hers as he did so. Elsa flinched at their warmth, and expected to see Merlin's hands start to turn to ice, but they didn't.

"I think," he said, taking a bite out of the snowcone, "That your biggest problem is still your emotions."

Elsa pretended not to notice that Kristoff had nodded in agreement. They were probably right, but how could she prevent herself from feeling? She had grown up trying to conceal and not feel, and it never worked. And although it had never worked, she had pressed on with concealing her feelings. It was the only thing that seemed to create a dent in her lack of control. It was the only thing that made her father look at her with anything akin to pride.

Merlin took Elsa's hands and turned them palms up, so that she was looking directly at them.

"What do you see here?" he asked.

"I don't -"

"A weapon? A tool? A curse, perhaps? Something to be afraid of?"

Elsa said nothing. She couldn't see where this was going.

"We need to change that. You see yourself as cursed and something to fear." He dropped Elsa's hands, but she kept them up, still staring at the pale lines across her palms as if something had happened to them.

"Change it how?" Kristoff asked. Elsa had almost forgotten he was there. He still sat in the corner of the cottage on an ice chair by the door.

"Elsa needs to see her powers as a gift," Merlin continued, still taking bites of ice. "Yes, Elsa, you need to be able to control your emotions, but not in the way you've been trying. Your emotions can be a tool to enforce your magic, to have a different kind of control, but the one feeling that we can't have is your fear of yourself. As long as you fear your own powers, you won't get anywhere. So why don't you start with getting rid of this 'conceal don't feel' mantra?"

Elsa stared at him. Get rid of the coping mechanism she'd been using for years? Sure, it didn't always work, but sometimes it did. It was what her parents wanted.

Only love can thaw a frozen heart. Love was a feeling, wasn't it. Wasn't it proof that Elsa didn't have to hide herself from all emotion to be in control. Love. Trust? She could trust these two - Kristoff and Merlin - couldn't she?

:)