A.N.: I apologise for the delay (again), I was stranded in my dorm room for 2 weeks with no Wi-Fi or even laptop... I want to sincerely thank nenapayo, Guest and Lildoggo for leaving reviews on my last chapter. Also, whoa, you are all picking the trails and Chekhov guns I leave for you! We're doing well so far and we're somewhere half-way through the story. Without further ado, on with the show!.

Chapter XI: Awakening

Yumichika and Ikkaku managed to catch her before she hit the ground. The captain rushed to her and fell on his knees, putting his left hand on her back to support her limp body. Her head remained thrown back – her slender neck stood exposed and he could see the blue veins under her pale, almost transparent skin.

"Oi, Retsu, wake up!" His right hand cupped her face and brought her head up, smearing blood all over her chin and side but she was not waking up. He felt pathetic; all he could do was kill, never save. The only times he had checked someone's pulse or breathing was to assure his enemies were dead. They always were. Panic took over him and he refused to check. The memory of her dying in his arms returned. It was the same, the same as it now was, there was blood on her face then as there was now. As if she had fallen asleep except no one fell asleep so easily and so fast. What were worth his power and his strength if he was condemned to live through this time and time again?

"Retsu, wake up, please! I beg you! Please, wake up! Please, please, please, PLEASE! I BEG YOU!" Kenpachi was screaming and everyone was looking at him mortified and heartbroken. He shook her face, gripping it tighter in despair, as if he could shake off whatever had claimed her.

"Retsu, please, I beg you," the captain choked on his plea. He swore he would not be able live though this heartbreak again. He would not be able to truly live without her.

He thought he saw the faintest tremor in her eyelids and soon her eyes fluttered slightly open. Her bloodless chapped lips parted wider, allowing more air into her lungs and she hazily looked at him. No words could express the alleviation and the happiness he felt. The captain pressed his lips to her cold damp forehead. He could breathe again.

"Kenpachi?" Retsu was looking at him as if she was seeing something else in his place. His hand caressed her face and she tried to get up but he picked her up in his arms, ignoring her weak protests. She nestled to his chest as he carried her through the yard and into the barracks.

Inside the air was cool and fresh but it grew stiffer and warmer as he climbed the stairs to the topmost floor. The first floor held his office, the armoury, the large common room where the shinigami supped, a training hall and the bath where they showered. Their small sleeping cells plus the more spacious quarters of the lieutenant occupied the second and the third floor.

The last floor was reserved for the captain's apartments. He opened the door with his foot and carried her in. The room was dimly lit and smelled of dust and time. It had not been used since the first days of his captaincy; every piece of furniture stood forgotten and covered with a large piece of white cloth. The man fumbled with removing the dusty sheet that covered the bed and laid Retsu on it before going to the window and ripping the fabric that stopped the light from getting in. He opened the window and returned to her side. She was sitting up, trying to stand but Kenpachi made her lie down again.

"Oi, what are you doing," he inquired. The woman modestly licked her dry lips, her tongue clearing some of the blood that was on her mouth.

"Your hand needs bandaging."

Kenpachi gave her a stern look. Retsu was still ghastly pale, the usual rosiness of her lips and sides drained away. She had just collapsed and yet she was worried for him. He ripped a long piece of the sheet that used to cover the bed and wrapped it around his hand. Kenpachi could see her disapproval but she remained silent.

"It's done. Now, don't get up." he said, standing up, and went to get her a glass of water.

Retsu watched him exit the room and stared at the door, which he had left open. The draught swirled the dust in the air, making the tiny specs dance in the sunlight. She never wanted to hurt him. Why had he reacted like that? Why did he always seem so troubled? So distant… Even closer to him, he seems so far away. She closed her eyes. The coolness helped the woman fully get back to her senses. The sharp pain in her head had died down to a minor throb but the things she thought she saw, the things she thought she remembered could not be driven away from her mind.

A lassitude in the air. Barren acres. A stray lock of her always-braided hair now brushing against her cheekbone. Words spoken, words unspoken and blood, blood, blood.

The captain almost startled her out of her trance when came back with a cup of water and a wet piece of cloth, taking her out of her thoughts so suddenly. He gave her the cup and watched as she drank thirstily. Retsu thanked him and he proceeded to clean his blood from her face with the cloth. She was looking at his face as he did that, as if she could see something more to him than what met the eye.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," she spoke, her voice full of remorse. Kenpachi remained silent. He hurt had hurt himself. The blade is pointed at me and I still hurt you. I hurt myself and yet I still hurt you.

"Don't apologize. It was my fault entirely. This whole thing." The towel was wiping the crimson off her face until it left her ivory skin bloodless and clean. He left the now reddened cloth on the simple table next to the bed and proceeded to stand but Retsu caught his bandaged hand. The captain looked at her, still shaken from what had happened.

"It's not just your fault," she said and he pressed his lips together in a thin pale line. She wouldn't let him take the blame even when it was his to own. I have worse sins to bear, sins you are yet to remember but this is no less a sin. How much was she going to forgive?

The captain bent forward and pressed his forehead to the back of her hand.

"I got you worried, didn't I?" He straightened a bit and looked at her. Worried was an understatement. He would never tell her but Kenpachi had been mortified. The sudden alleviation had made him dazed and delirious to the point he now felt too calm; as if his heart was beating too slow.

"I thought I—," Kenpachi started, knowing he would not finish his words. I thought I would lose you again.

"Unohana-sama!" Isane entered the room, accompanied by Yumichika who chose to stay in the doorframe. The black-haired woman greeted her and carefully sat further up, her hand still holding Kenpachi's.

"What happened? Ayasegawa-san did not tell me you were injured," the captain of the Fourth squad inquired, eyeing the bloody rag on the bedside table. Yumichika had ran off to fetch a medic and found her in the barracks of her division. He had quickly explained what brought him there and led her to Unohana.

"I'm not. The blood is his." Retsu moved her hand from over his poorly bandaged hand. "I fainted. I'm alright now, I'm feeling a little weak but I'm alright." The captain of the fourth division wrapped a cuff around her arm and pumped it tight with air, while listening to her heartbeat and looking at the barometer in her hands.

"Your blood pressure is low. It must be the sun and… the exercise. Drink lots of water. Something to eat will do you good too. Rest well." Isane spoke more to Kenpachi than to Retsu. The black-haired woman gave a nod and apologized for the trouble, which she dismissed. She bid her farewell and walked to the door, followed by the other captain, before the Unohana called her name and asked her to take a look at his hand.

He half-closed the door and suddenly looked even more desolate.

"Your hand…" Isane started, motioning to the bloodied bandages.

"I'm fine." Kenpachi quickly cut her off. Perhaps his hand was not so badly wounded but fine was the last thing he seemed to be. "It wasn't the sun and the exercise. It was my fault. I agitated her."

Isane frowned in doubt. While it was possible for such thing to happen, it was highly improbable. The low blood pressure spoke for itself. Unless there was more than what met the eye. He looked more troubled than she had ever seen him be.

"What exactly happened?" she asked.

„I was reckless. If I had accepted her invitation to fight, maybe... I did not even think to send for you," he said, as if he had committed a mortal sin. There was something sobering about seeing the Man Who Cannot Fall reduced to such a state. They were all human after all and it was evident that he was struggling, all by himself. Her hatred had simmered down to a quiet dislike and she found herself willing to forgive him. Help him even. It was Unohana's wish to do so – to forgive him and to forgive her for leaving her in such time.

Isane had asked Kyoraku to tell her everything he knew about Unohana and Zaraki, no matter how little it was. What surprised her most was that he had named his adopted daughter after her; after the woman, he had claimed to hate. The very same woman who he was now taking care of with such gentleness. Had he looked so hurt when he had told her he had killed her captain? She had not seen his face then. Isane sighed.

"Captain Zaraki…" It was hard to find the words. If he thought fighting was putting something more than physical strain on Retsu, maybe he was right. It seemed to do so on him too. Isane chose to trust his judgement. "Unohana-sama is well. But I need you to keep her calmer in all cases. She is very much better and more stable as time passes but I still fear for her. Maybe that's going to be all she remembers forever and maybe it won't."

"I understand. I'll take care of her better."

"I know you will. You do." The captain looked up at her, in utter disbelief. Isane gave a weak smile – she too could not believe she was saying this to him, but it had proven to be true. "You can go back to her. I leave her to you."

He nodded and Isane watched him re-enter the room. She saw Retsu smile at him and closed the door behind him before walking away.

Kenpachi knelt behind her with the box of ointment in his hand. It had become some sort of a ritual for them. He enters the room and Retsu sits on her futon, sweeping her hair to the side and over her shoulder. The captain tugs on her nagajuban until he can see her bare skin and the marks he had left. He takes the box and scrapes some of the medicine with his nails, letting it melt on his calloused fingers before gently rubbing it in the scar. His other hand hovers over her naked shoulder and he imagines touching it, his mouth coming closer to her ivory skin in order to press a tender but hungry kiss on the slope of her neck.

Instead, he stared at the scar under his fingers. He smeared the ointment with practiced movements, trying to wish the scar away. One was enough. They had marked each other for life. His he could see it every time he looked in a mirror, he could see it in everyone's eyes, in the way everyone greeted him. Meanwhile, Retsu had chosen to hide her scar behind that damned braid. He could not hide his face and he didn't want to hide it; he felt no shame from her mark on him. His spite towards her used to be fuelled by the fact that she chose to conceal her scar, not because he wanted his gone. The captain could not really blame her now. She had no reason to want his claim on her.

His fingers left her skin and he saw that Retsu was watching him. She pulled up her nagajuban, adjusting the collar as she fully turned around to face him and express her gratitude. One scar was enough, the captain thought again as his gaze met the mark he had left on her chest. She had stopped applying the ointment on it, claiming that it could not fade even by the slightest. The woman noticed he was staring at it and she lightly caressed the gnarly tissue.

"It doesn't hurt. It hasn't pained me since you— Since the storm." Retsu confessed.

Since I kissed it. She was cruel to tell him this, to make him think he could heal for once and not damage. Kenpachi felt the urge to tear away the fabric that stood between him and her skin, to lay her down on the futon and press a kiss on her ankles, then her knees and further up on the inner sides of her thighs and between them, before continuing up her abdomen and chest. After smothering the scar yet again, his lips would travel over her neck and sides and at last, he would feast on her lips. Oh, how he would feast. Kenpachi would cover every centimetre of her with kisses in hope that they would steal all her aches and sorrows.

"I'll watch over you tonight," he stated matter-of-factly, unable to leave her after hearing those words. Wilful, Retsu looked at him.

"Don't tell me you are still worried about me." The captain just stared back at her stubbornly. No matter how stupid it sounded, he was. "Don't be childish, Kenpachi, just go to bed. I've fainted before. There is no more reason to worry. I'm fine. Don't think of me."

How when she was the only thing on his mind?

The woman persisted when she saw her reasoning were not enough.

"You must be tired and you need rest. I'm alright, nothing will happen to me."

He listened to her words, knowing that she had a point. His muscles were pleasantly aching and sleep was slowly seeping into his mind. However, he paid no mind to it. The captain leaned on the wall and stubbornly stared at her again to which she closed her eyes and sighed.

"I can only argue this much. You're hopeless." Retsu muttered woefully and lied down, twisting her upper body to extinguish the kerosene lamp beside her pillow, hoping that the darkness would make him sleepy and he will give up his obstinate vigil, finally going to bed.

Unbeknown to her, her plan succeeded. With no light to irritate his eyes, Kenpachi made the mistake to close them. All was so quiet that he could only hear her soft breathing, lulling him to sleep.

"Kenpachi." She softly called his name and his eyes jolted open, he himself ready to run to her.

"I'm not asleep. You alright?" He was half-aware that she was testing him but his voice sounded less awake than he would have liked.

The female sighed and turned in bed. Sleep was heavy on his body once more. He could take a short nap, if she needed something he would wake up fast enough. His brain registered the rustling of her covers and next thing her body was pressed to his, her arms around him and she was pulling him into her futon. The captain half-heartedly tried to oppose her, unsuccessfully. She was stronger than she looked and definitely more awake than him. When Retsu felt him giving in, her grip loosened and she pulled the covers over them. Her bedding was warm and soft and she was even warmer and softer. Kenpachi wrapped his arms around her by instinct, snuggling even closer to her than she was holding him.

"Stubborn child.," was the last thing he heard before falling asleep without the chance to protest. "Even closer to you, you seem so far away."

He dreamt he was back in the Zaraki district where the air was heavy with dust and the stench of shit and blood. His sword sheathed in yet another man, he put his foot on the corpse and pulled the weapon out. Someone was behind him. He abruptly turned around and swiftly put the tip of his blade to the person's neck. It was a woman, dressed in fine but old clothes, her face shrouded in shadows; he could see only her black hair reaching down her waist. Retsu? No, this woman was taller and her clasped hands looked older, rougher.

"I am not her." She took a step forward into the light and he backed away his sword just as much. "Don't you remember me?"

He never imagined her to be so beautiful. How could one remember someone he never knew? Nozarashi fell to his side.

"They took you away before I could give you a name." Her eyes were green and pure but weathered and full of grief. "But now you know yourself, Kenpachi."

Every word died in his throat. It couldn't be…

"You have your father's face." The sorrow in her voice struck him like a knife.

"Who are you?" The captain demanded the answer he knew. He had to hear it.

"You know who I am. Now that you know yourself, you know." Sadness was imprinted over her sharp features. "You are a man now and you know suffering much too well. It has made you strong, stronger than anyone. You shouldn't be afraid."

"I ain't afraid of anything." He rasped back. He was the Kenpachi and nothing alive or dead could scare him.

"Then why are you afraid of acknowledging that you love her?"

"She could never love me back." He answered before he could think, forgetting to deny the accusation. A tear rolled down the woman's cheek as she smiled sadly. Kenpachi knew she was about to leave so he put the sword back against her neck, trying to stop her. She still stepped back into the darkness and the shadows crept upon her face. Only her sad green eyes remained until the black closed in, engulfing him completely, warm like a mother's embrace.

The captain woke up only to see Retsu's fair face in front of his. She was close, too close, their foreheads touching; so close he cloud see the tiny purple capillary on the brims of her closed eyelids. Her feathery eyelashes were so long and so many he wondered if he could count even half of the curved black hairs until she awaked. Kenpachi had heard that distance lends enchantment to the view but up this close he felt utterly bewitched. He could see everything – every eyelash, every crease of her lips and the way they moved with her breathing; the fair fuzz on her rosy cheeks; every centimetre of porcelain skin.

How could he be permitted to hold such beauty? His palm was on her waist and he could feel her chest rising and falling softly before he slid it to the curve of her back only to find it not covered by the blankets. The futon was too small for them in the pose they were – their foreheads touching but their bodies far away. Kenpachi scowled and tried to pull her to him, but she only stirred in her sleep. He quietly cursed that she was so alike him and awoke so easily. The male moved closer to her until the blankets were properly wrapped around them both. His other palm was covered with hers; somehow, it was too much. He stroked the back of her hand with his thumb, feeling his heart swell.

Perhaps he had to leave. He had no intention, no right to be in her bed, holding her yet again, feeling things he could not understand. Torment. A creeping pain that gnawed and fumbled and caressed him and never hurt quite enough. The words from his dream sounded in his mind. Am I truly afraid? Do I love her? Of course, he did not. At this point he was certain he felt something towards her – attraction, lust, desire, undeniably, but love? One did not kill the person they loved. In return, no one loved their murderer. It had been just a foolish dream.

But Kenpachi did not want to leave. Leaving reminded him of the time before he met her. No matter what he had driven his blade through, it had been all the same, like swinging one's sword in the darkness, submerged in a death-like solitude. There had been none like him and Kenpachi had known at once that he was a monster. And then, she had walked in in his life and he had realised he was not alone. The captain remembered the first time he had lost consciousness, no, the first time he had died, and when he had opened his eyes, the left side of his face bleeding and throbbing with pain, Retsu had been gone. He had had to find her again. And he had, only to lose her yet again.

But she was here now. Kenpachi could not take his gaze off her, his eyes roaming all over her face, swallowing every feature from the straight slope of her nose to the soft pierced part of her ears. He stared until he was certain he could paint her image blindfolded. No one could take away her image from his mind and she could never leave him. This way she would always be close.

"Even closer to you, you seem so far away."

Kenpachi almost jerked upright. He had heard those words last night but not in his dream. Retsu had whispered them, to herself or to him, as he was falling asleep. His eyes focused on her face. She was urging him to speak again. To come closer. To open up. To stop hiding his scars.

The captain felt her take a deeper breath, thus taking him out of his reverie, and she awakened slowly. Her eyelids fluttered and she half-opened her eyes. When she saw him, when she felt his hand on her waist and his gaze on her face, she looked at him and swallowed, then smiled.

"Good morning." Retsu spoke and the captain thought this could be all he had ever wanted.

He released a breath he did not know he was holding in and everything he thought of disappeared, banished by the sound of her voice. There was music in it, rays of light and he was not alone. Her hand was still in his as he watched the world slowly get to her. He was not alone and Kenpachi wanted to be together with her for more than just a couple of nights. He had opened his eyes many times, he had died and he had been reborn, he had been shackled and freed but he was yet to fully awaken.

A.N.: It's my birthday tomorrow, leave me reviews as presents!