Sleeping Arrangements

Chapter 10

"the right decision"

They didn't talk about it in the morning. With matching headaches they set out early alongside the rest of their party and finally reached the Brecilian Forest by the afternoon. Naturally, their arrival at the elven encampment brought forth a flurry of problems that needed to be solved and people to help. Elissa was glad to have a distraction, though. She didn't want to think about what could or could not happen between her and Alistair, or how those thoughts made her feel. Alistair seemed to agree with this as he diligently helped on all of their missions but made a point of keeping his distance from their leader.

They spent a few days like that, wandering the forest in search of Witherfang, and one day, while searching for a magical acorn that belonged to a talking tree Wynne decided to approach Elissa. "I'm glad to see you two have made the right decision."

"What?" the Warden cocked an eyebrow in the mage's direction.

"You and Alistair. I see you've distanced yourselves from each other. That on top of the fact that you no longer share a sleeping space, which I am most happy about, proves that the two of you are no longer… whatever it was you were."

Elissa felt a pang in her chest. Putting up that new tent had been unpleasant, and she hadn't gotten a good night's sleep since. She sighed and glanced back at Alistair who was trudging along a decent space behind. "We weren't anything. We're not anything now. I mean, we're friends. Nothing's changed I just bought a tent. Like I said I would."

Wynne looked at her frustratedly. "I may be old, but I'm not blind. We've all heard the giggles, seen the secret looks between you. And Leliana saw your bedrolls pushed together. You may not know how to describe what the two of you were but it was certainly something." Elissa blushed deeply and Wynne's tone softened. "But I'm glad to see you're not any more. Love is selfish and Wardens must be selfless. Trust me, keeping your distance now will save you heartbreak later."

"So I'm supposed to be unhappy because I don't want to possibly become unhappy?" Elissa spoke lowly and gruffly. It was a child's irritable response to being chastised, but revealed the truth of the situation to both women. Elissa stared down at her feet as she was forced to admit it to herself- she was unhappy without him. She wanted him to come back into her tent and her life and couldn't foresee herself smiling again until that happened.

Wynne huffed and worried that the young woman wasn't taking in the point she was trying to make. "Alistair is naive when it comes to certain things…"

Leliana's scream from where she was scouting up ahead distracted them, and Elissa was happy to have to fight a werewolf or some other beast rather than continue this conversation.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The Archdemon was large. It loomed over the massive army of Darkspawn marching before it and screeched so loudly and horridly it could make your ears bleed. Elissa actually felt her own lobes as she sat up in bed to make sure they weren't. She huffed and heaved as she tried to regain her composure.

Suddenly, moonlight shined into the tent as Alistair appeared at the entrance flap. "I'm fine," she quickly explained. "It was just a nightmare." She wasn't sure why she felt the need to disclose that, surely he had had the same one. They were all connected to the same hive mind.

He crawled to enter the tent completely. "I heard you screaming."

Elissa pulled her feet up to her chest and tried not to shake. "It was just…"

He sat next to her and put his arms around her, repeating in a soothing tone, "I know."

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

She tried to count her breaths, recite the Chant of Light, anything to stop herself from breaking… but then she did. Sobs erupted from her violently and spastically. Her nose ran freely and her mouth made such guttural noises that she could hardly recognize them as her own. It wasn't just the dream, it was everything. She had never let her family's death settle in and there was so much else. Connor's murder, the horror that was the Brood Mother, everything. It all fell out of her and into Alistair's chest. Alistair. The one comfort in her mess of a life that had been keeping her sane and she had sent him away to sleep a few feet apart from some murderous Qunari when she needed him with her.

Her sorrow started to subside and replaced itself with embarrassment. "You shouldn't be here," she said in between snorts and whimpers.

"I'm not going anywhere," he replied, emotion laced in his voice.

"We can't. Wynne told me… she said we shouldn't be something. And I know. We're Wardens. Something is something so we can't be anything."

Alistair examined her with concerned but confused eyes. "I didn't follow any of that."

Elissa, surprisingly, began to laugh, though a few tears still streamed through her bloodshot eyes. She shook her head. "We're Wardens first. We have to be selfless."

Alistair's heart panged; he had thought the same thing. But it was so hard… "Have we really not been?" he almost pleaded, begging for a reason as to how their feelings could hurt anyone else.

She stared at his chest hair, refusing to make eye contact. "I don't know. But ever since we…"

He exhaled heavily and turned her around so that her back lay against him. She enjoyed not having to continue to avert her eyesight and he didn't want her to see his face when he said what he was thinking. "In town… we went too far. I was… It was inappropriate. I'm sorry."

With her small fingers Elissa traced the knuckles that grasped her waist. Resigning herself to reveal her feelings she answered, "I'm not."

He breathed onto her neck and she shivered. "That's not the point. I've never… I was taught to take these things seriously. But I care about you and I don't know how to handle it. Every time I'm with you I feel like my head's about to explode!"

Elissa rested against him. "Me too." She felt Alistair still tense behind her. "I need you, Alistair." She shut her eyes and pushed back more tears. "I want to do the right thing. Protect Thedas, kill the Archdemon, but I need you with me in order to do that. I see that now."

He heard the desolation in her plea and squeezed her tightly. He knew what the Chantry would say, he knew what the Grey Wardens would say, and he knew what Eamon, who constantly pushed him toward the throne since Cailan's death, would say… and he disregarded all of them. He turned Elissa back around to face him and planted a heavy kiss on her. She grabbed the back of his head and he wrapped his hands around her waist tightly. But they both had learned their lesson from that wine-induced night and pulled away before either of them really wanted to. Their eyes met in the rush of emotions. "I have to go," he said, but quickly added at the sight of her grief-stricken expression, "I'll be back tomorrow. Somehow."